I’ve been sent a message meant for someone else, slagging off my appearance

[CheckYourWhatsAppBeforeYouSend]

NC'd for this as it's very outing. But if anyone recognises the situation then meh.

I changed my FB profile picture today for the first time in about 3 years. It was a normal selfie of just me (I don't like having my kids in my profile pictures). I only did it because I'd coloured and styled my hair and tried my new make up, as something to do more than anything! and thought it looked quite nice (as opposed to rocking my usual Worzel Gummidge look) so thought it's time for an update on social media. I didn't use any filters or photoshopping (don't know how anyway). I got a few compliments on my comments which was nice!

Anyway, I'm part of a WhatsApp group for mums in my 8yo DD's class. There's a few mums who are best friends. One of these mums - obviously meant for maybe their own little WhatsApp group, or one of the other mothers - sent a screenshot of my profile picture with the caption "Funny how she doesn't look like this on the school run. The things that Face tune can do for a person 😹😹'.

It was deleted almost straight away but I saw it and got a screenshot of what she sent.

I'm pretty upset and pissed off - which is unlike me but aside from the fact that I DIDN'T use photo editing, this seems to me like they maybe slag me off on a regular basis? I'm not friends with any of the other mums, I say hello etc and make small talk at parties but didn't ever think I'd done anything to warrant being made fun of.

Anyway to not drip feed - the one who sent it is a teacher in the DC's school. I don't know who exactly she was meant to send it to but assuming she just got the wrong mum's group?

Anyway I'm posting to ask for help. Should I

1. Ignore it, pretend I never saw it - I will be totally honest I have in the past sent screen shots to a friend of ridiculous things people we dislike have said. Never other school mums though, I'm far too indifferent to them.
2. Come back with a witty and cutting reply.
3. Confront the mum (and teacher) who said it - to clarify she's taught both my DD and DS in the past, and is a good teacher.
4. Something else
5. Get over it, these things happen it's just it happened to me this time.

Feeling pretty shit

Think you’ve thought it all through and sent a good response. Seems like you balanced sticking up for yourself and making sure this doesn’t happen again with not just taking it on the chin. This was never going to be an easy situation to deal with but that’s not your fault! You didn’t cause the situation! So keep that in mind.

"You're probably wondering if I saw the screenshot you sent to the Y4 mums group yesterday before you deleted it? I did, and I've been thinking about what to do about it"

I think the second sentence in the opening paragraph of your message is masterly. It hints that you could have been considering reporting her and she's not to know that you have now decided that this is off the table. So hopefully she will continue to sweat a bit

Way overboard OP, but if it's made you feel better then it's worth it I guess. She will no doubt be defensive now instead of mortified.
I'd have just let her carry on being mortified by replying on the group chat with a crying laughing face and maybe a thumbs up. I'd have found that hilarious as it was such a silly thing to say and she'll have felt sick when she realised her fuck up 😂

@CheckYourWhatsAppBeforeYouSend

Thanks again for all your replies, some really good insight here, I can't believe this has reached nearly 800 comments!!

So I've (roughly) decided what to do. And what not to do.

I WON'T be:

1. Ignoring it.

1. Telling the Head. A lot of you have made really good points about why I should and you're not wrong, and I'd support someone else if this is what they decided to do. It's probably the right thing to do, but weighing up the reality of the consequences and the impact of them on everyone (including mine and her children) I honestly don't think it's worth it. It's me who is the subject of nastiness and I reserve the right to decide how I want to handle it. So unless I get a really shitty reply when I message her, I won't be doing this. This does not mean I'm letting this woman loose to bully children, she is renowned for being a good teacher and I can't see this changing that.

1. As tempting as it is to reply on the mum's group a witty snarky reply to make her shit herself, I won't do this either. Aside from the fact that it's a bit too late, getting into some sort of petty public war of words isn't my style. Things like that get shared around, posted on social media etc and please remember I'm a teacher too. I can't teach teenagers to respect each other and at the same time call another woman nasty names in front of her friends. This is a small town - it will unfold at a rapid rate! I think it's easy to people on MN to make amusing suggestions, but this is my life and my community, and I live with any inevitable fall out. Especially as, with her deleted message, there'd be no context other people can see.

I will however send her a PM this morning. How does this sound:

Hi (name)
You're probably wondering if I saw the screenshot you sent to the Y4 mums group yesterday before you deleted it? I did, and I've been thinking about what to do about it. I was very hurt and disappointed to say the least.

Can I suggest, from one teacher to another, to be careful when making allegiances with other parents. It's one thing making friends, it's very unprofessional to then make nasty remarks about other parents to them. I really hope you don't make a habit of this. Another parent might have have reacted in a far angrier way than I have.

as teachers we have a responsibility to set an example of good behaviour. Being publicly unkind in that way about a peer isn't acceptable. And it is obviously very worrying given that you teach young children and you clearly think this is acceptable. However I want to give you the opportunity of explaining yourself as to why you felt the need to do this and how this happened.

Perfection!

She’s probably read the whole thing on here!

That is a cracking reply, OP - well done.

Well done too for not getting whipped up by the AIBU mob. It's no wonder trolls do so well here.

Good for you OP ! I hope you get a giod response, please share it 😋

@EarringsandLipstick

Morning OP!

I know you've sent your message now - your explanation of what you decided was rational & clear & to be applauded, especially on MN 😀

I personally thought it was too much, especially the 'teacher to teacher' bit & the patronising (sorry!) advice.

I would have kept it shorter & more direct.

BUT

It's a good response, one that sits well with your own value system & also your assessment of the pragmatism of the situation / outcome / actions taken.

Fair play to you for your reasonableness. I think you sound great 👏

Yeah, I agree with this. I think the trouble with mumsnet is that it can whip the drama up a bit and encourage OPs to go a bit further than is probably necessary.

The OP seems to have her head fairly firmly screwed on, but in general I would never take advice from MN over what to do in these kinds of situation - I made the mistake of doing so once a few years ago and nearly lost a very good friend over it. Obviously the person in question here isn't a friend to the OP, but often things don't pan out as people on anonymous forums, with no knowledge of the individuals in question, think that they will.

I think it was sensible taking it off the group chat.

I’d have sent the entire message, as altho the message may come across ‘preachy’ the nasty woman clearly hasn’t got a clue about how to behave online. And is behaving like a bitchy schoolkid herself.

I’d block her on your social media, she clearly can’t help stalking you. The effort it takes to screenshot and message bitchy comments to other people is a lot compared to scrolling on.

Dying to know what she replies tbh!

The thing is though, the message was oddly business like, structured and will be perceived as sanctimonious. So the reply will be similarly formal but really the woman will now feel justified in her bitchy comment as she feels lectured and threatened.
It was a missed opportunity. Should've just been left to feel like a dick while the OP rose above it.

@EarringsandLipstick

Morning OP!

I know you've sent your message now - your explanation of what you decided was rational & clear & to be applauded, especially on MN 😀

I personally thought it was too much, especially the 'teacher to teacher' bit & the patronising (sorry!) advice.

I would have kept it shorter & more direct.

BUT

It's a good response, one that sits well with your own value system & also your assessment of the pragmatism of the situation / outcome / actions taken.

Fair play to you for your reasonableness. I think you sound great 👏

Given the circumstances, I think the OP has every right to be slightly patronising.

A well thought out, considered response IMO.

Perfect reply OP. Rational and measured. Well done.

Honestly the only bit I would have left out was the bit about I won't report it. I'd have let her sweat, wondering if she still had a job. But as for the last bit, patronise away! She deserves it.

Given the circumstances, I think the OP has every right to be slightly patronising.

I mean, of course she does Scones. I just don't think it serves any great purpose & it always riles people. (Reason I know this is that I have had the unfortunate habit of being patronising myself, and have had to learn not to be!)

But I think OP has handled it excellently.

I do not think you should ignore this.

I will send a snarky reply.

I'll take that as a compliment, thanks. #nofilter

Love it!!!

@MedusasBadHairDay

I'd ask whether the school has an anti- bullying week planned

Nice one!

Well done, very classy way of dealing with it. And you absolutely had to say something.

OP, just read your update. I think your reply was perfect.

I'm shocked that people are surprised that a teacher did this as I work in a school and the staff and non teaching staff are the most bitchy horrible people ever , so it doesn't surprise me !
Sorry this happened though op and it does hurt to think that people can be so horrible , although people generally are to be fair.
Some good advice on here , the ' are you doing an anti bullying day anytime soon' is a good one to use! Might make them think of the double standards most folk live by whatever their profession.

Sorry, I didn't see your update before posting.
..

Blocking her on Facebook is a good idea, then she won't be able to see your profile at all, so she won't be able to comment on any profile photo changes.

I think it's fine for the OP to be a little sanctimonious/preachy

Depends on the objective. Mine would be to embarrass the teacher and encourage them to reflect. Not to provide her with additional fodder for gossip.

What a cow. Hope she feels horrendous and is shitting herself. Great reply OP