I’ve been sent a message meant for someone else, slagging off my appearance

[CheckYourWhatsAppBeforeYouSend]

NC'd for this as it's very outing. But if anyone recognises the situation then meh.

I changed my FB profile picture today for the first time in about 3 years. It was a normal selfie of just me (I don't like having my kids in my profile pictures). I only did it because I'd coloured and styled my hair and tried my new make up, as something to do more than anything! and thought it looked quite nice (as opposed to rocking my usual Worzel Gummidge look) so thought it's time for an update on social media. I didn't use any filters or photoshopping (don't know how anyway). I got a few compliments on my comments which was nice!

Anyway, I'm part of a WhatsApp group for mums in my 8yo DD's class. There's a few mums who are best friends. One of these mums - obviously meant for maybe their own little WhatsApp group, or one of the other mothers - sent a screenshot of my profile picture with the caption "Funny how she doesn't look like this on the school run. The things that Face tune can do for a person 😹😹'.

It was deleted almost straight away but I saw it and got a screenshot of what she sent.

I'm pretty upset and pissed off - which is unlike me but aside from the fact that I DIDN'T use photo editing, this seems to me like they maybe slag me off on a regular basis? I'm not friends with any of the other mums, I say hello etc and make small talk at parties but didn't ever think I'd done anything to warrant being made fun of.

Anyway to not drip feed - the one who sent it is a teacher in the DC's school. I don't know who exactly she was meant to send it to but assuming she just got the wrong mum's group?

Anyway I'm posting to ask for help. Should I

1. Ignore it, pretend I never saw it - I will be totally honest I have in the past sent screen shots to a friend of ridiculous things people we dislike have said. Never other school mums though, I'm far too indifferent to them.
2. Come back with a witty and cutting reply.
3. Confront the mum (and teacher) who said it - to clarify she's taught both my DD and DS in the past, and is a good teacher.
4. Something else
5. Get over it, these things happen it's just it happened to me this time.

Feeling pretty shit

You say you’ve done the same, just not been caught out

How would you feel to have received the message you sent?

Well done Op! Hope she is sorry but sadly, I think it's likely she'll not give a shit and will only be worrying about consequences for herself rather than regretting her actions.

I think you nailed the reply.

Yes. I thought the message was a bit wordy and pompous. But it's done and I'm glad OP that you chose to address it directly to her and privately

Well done OP 👏

Well done OP. You are leading by example.

Very good OP!

She will be squirming. Rightly so.

I don’t think ops message is preachy . I have been accused (by my DP ) of sending long winded preachy messages though
I think you’ve just put your point across really nicely.

Well done OP! I’m really curious to see if and how she responds that that. I’d be shitting myself if I was on her end. Especially as you left it some time so she’ll think she got away with it.

Well done OP! You have handled this with such dignity.

I actually think a slightly sanctimonious preachy and pompous message is perfect under the circumstances!

Will she dare to deny it I wonder?
If so, just forward her the screen shot - no further explanation.

Be prepared for a 'me, me, me' response. People like to deflect when they are challenged.
'I'm really sorry BUT... I've just found lockdown SO hard, the cat has flees, my feet hurt, my dishwasher broke...'

Well done you!

I'm not sure what your message hoped to achieve. You know what happened. She sent a snarky message to the wrong group. There's no big explanation or justification needed.
Equally letting her know that you seen it but are taking some kind of magnanimous non-reporting position on it, won't win you any brownie points with her. If you're not going to escalate something, then you don't need to tell someone that you could escalate it if you wanted.
Hopefully there was substantial editing before you pressed send. She's a good teacher. She's a parent at the school. Maybe she's always a bitch behind people's backs. Maybe she made one misjudgement. If she's a bitch then your message won't change anything. If it was a lapse in judgement, your message will make her feel defensive. I wouldn't have added to the drama.

I think you've handled it in just the right way OP.

I also think that giving yourself time to think things through is always the best option. Knee-jerk reactions are rarely helpful.

Are you the teacher @SabrinaMorningstar ?!! 😆

She called me! Just a few minutes after I sent the message.

I wrote it all down, just in case I need it at a later date, here's the gist:

She hasn't slept a wink worrying I'd seen it but assumed I hadn't when I didn't call her on it. She deleted it before she checked on the blue ticks.

She apologised profusely and said I'm right it's not acceptable and she has no excuse but she had a crap day and felt a bit jealous as she's put a lot of weight on since Christmas. She said it was out of character for her.

The message wasn't meant for any school mums, it was meant for her husband. She sent it straight from her photo app, and pressed on the mums group icon rather than her husbands icon. She says there's no separate group that she's part on that has mums on it and that she never would say anything negative about parents to other parents. I do believe that it was for her husband. It was an assumption on my part that it was for other school mums.

She said she would understand and be completely honest and compliant if I were to take It to the Head, and she would be honest and take any punishment (she'd discussed this with her husband last night and they decided to face it if it came to it). I told her that I wouldn't go to the head, and gave the reasons I've already stated on here.

She doesn't think any other mums saw the message. No one messaged her and no one messaged me either.

We ended on a good note considering, with her saying how lovely I always look kiss arse and she's mortified because she adores my children who were both a pleasure to teach and she hopes we can repair this. I just said I'm over it and not especially looking to make friends but happy for this to be the end of it as long as nothing like this happens again to me or another mum.

She did sound sorry and was clearly completely mortified. I do think it was meant for her husband and I'm happy to move on. I also said I appreciated her making the call, which can't have been easy.

Thank you for all your advice - I am pleased with my decision to deal with it this way. I honestly couldn't bear a long drawn out complaint process that would end dissatisfactory for everyone involved.

Are you the teacher @SabrinaMorningstar ?!! 😆

Why do people try to trot this line out? I think Sabrina was just being objective.

@SabrinaMorningstar

I'm not sure what your message hoped to achieve. You know what happened. She sent a snarky message to the wrong group. There's no big explanation or justification needed. Equally letting her know that you seen it but are taking some kind of magnanimous non-reporting position on it, won't win you any brownie points with her. If you're not going to escalate something, then you don't need to tell someone that you could escalate it if you wanted. Hopefully there was substantial editing before you pressed send. She's a good teacher. She's a parent at the school. Maybe she's always a bitch behind people's backs. Maybe she made one misjudgement. If she's a bitch then your message won't change anything. If it was a lapse in judgement, your message will make her feel defensive. I wouldn't have added to the drama.

Is this woman a friend of yours?

Oh and I said for the record I didn't Face tune the picture. She was all "Oh you're so lucky such lovely skin and lovely looking" but I guess it's better for her than saying "alright if you say so" or something similar

Good outcome, OP. Well done.

I think you have handled this really well, your response is calm and well thought out, well done OP.

Some of the responses on this thread are so reactive, I think the internet and social media have turned many of us into unkind, reactive keyboard warriors, when in reality we would not act in this way in the real world.

Bloody hell! An issue like this resolved with calm maturity on both sides. Is this actually mumsnet??

In all seriousness, well done OP you’ve dealt with this in a great way.

Also next time there is a chance apply to be a parent governor, not to do anything just to met give her the ARGH.

I'd be tempted to contact the school. Completely inappropriate for a member of staff to be speaking to other parents about your appearance