Can somebody hold my hand whilst I take a pregnancy test, I'm terrified

[Plzholdmyhandforamin]

My period is 6 days late, I have a certain type of discharge, period like cramps but different to actual period pains (I had this with DS before I tested positive) my boobs are so sore and I'm ridiculously thirsty.

I didn't connect the dots until I checked the calender and realised how late I am.

I can't have another baby for so many reasons.

Lack of space
My mental health is shit
My eldest is disabled and wouldn't cope with another baby
I almost died giving birth to my youngest and have PTSD from that.

I would have to abort but doing so would just about finish me off, I've always been against abortions where my body is concerned (but fully support other women's rights to make decisions about their own)

I was taking precautions but clearly not enough.

OH has gone to the small Tesco extra down the road to buy a test.

Please hold my hand I'm terrified

Another hand hold here. Make sure you’re making the right choice for YOU and the kids because as you said, your relationship may not last.

I’m glad you’re able to access counselling. Be careful what sites you click on etc as demonstrated by that unhelpful anti choice link given above. Anti choicers are very fucking sneaky.

You WILL get through this. I know this because I got through it and so did millions of other women

OP it sounds like he is trying hard to be supportive. I wouldn’t worry about trying to second guess his motivations about wanting you to be happy vs wanting or not wanting the baby. He has said he will support you whatever you decide. Unless you have reason to think he’s deliberately trying to manipulate you or something I’d take that at face value. It’s not like he doesn’t understand what having another baby entails. Base your decision on your own feelings, needs and responsibilities.

If you were on your own OP what would you do? It just might help you visualise your decision if you see it as yours alone. Then your OH can come into it.

Hope you are ok.

I'm not too sure whether my thought process would be any different if I was alone, it's hard to visualise. I know i'd be scared of my MH suffering because of having PND / anxiety post birth with the two I have now, but I'm scared of that anyway and he's here.

My main issue is my housing and the fact my existing children don't even have their own bedrooms, that would be a big problem regardless of whether he's here or not.

I've been spending some time on the Shelter website this evening and doing some general information gathering, I don't think I'd be doing that if there wasn't a part of me that wanted to go ahead - but that could just be intrinsic blind hope.

Having him standing by me does go some way to lessen my anxieties about PND/Postnatal anxiety, because he'd be able to prop me up and take the weight off my shoulders with nightfeeds, rest ect.

I've painted him in a poor light really but he was brilliant with the children when they were babies, if I needed to rest then he let me rest and took over with everything even if he'd just finished a night shift and had no sleep himself. I'm not sure I could have done it without him, well perhaps I could as in the children would have had their needs met but it would've been much much harder and it was bloody hard already

On the subject of anxiety mine is through the roof

@PyongyangKipperbang

I have been where you are. I didnt have any support either and the termination nearly did for me. But it didnt. And it wont for you either.

As Nancy Reagan once said "Women are like tea bags. Its only when we are in hot water that you realise how strong we are". You will get through this.

Dont focus on what you are losing with a termination, but what you are giving to your other children. A mother who can give them what they need. A mother who can focus on them. Your son will not have the stress of the upheaval of change. I and thousands of other women have had to make this impossible decision and we have made it. You can do this. You really can.

Terry Pratchett called it the dreadful algebra of necessity, which is basically doing the least worst thing in order to survive right now, having faith that things will improve in the future. And they will xx

This. Right. Here.

Hugs OP. You can do this.

Just popping on to say Im thinking of you, I hope the counselling helps and you make the decision thats right for you.

I shared my story earlier on the thread but it made me think back to the day I had the terrmination, there were a few of us on this ward in a special clinic and among the other ladies was a young girl of14 who was there for the same reason, she came over to me after the procedure, sat on my bed and said "How are you feeling?, you really wanted they baby didnt you?" I was taken aback by this young girl who had just been through the same as I had, but she was comforting me. Another lady was in her 40s and said she had a son of 4 who wanted her to have the baby (so she had told him) but as a single parent she just couldt go through with it, she was worrying about telling him. What I am trying to say is, however alone you feel, your not alone, lots of women of all ages and circumstances are going through this, and if you need advice, reassurance or just to talk there are loads of peope who will be there for you (myself included)

Its a hard decision and one only you can make, sending you hugs and strength x

Thank you for the lovely words and support ❤

OH has gone into expectant dad mode, telling me to take folic acid and put my feet up. Its surreal and is making me feel a bit uncomfortable as I haven't made my mind up yet.

I'm going to call the number i was given yesterday and make arrangements to have that counselling.

Wow, that's a change in attitude from your husband

What I think you should do is get counselling to make sure you (a) want to stay in the relationship and (b) what is right for you about the baby.

As I mentioned before, I lost my man because I chose my baby. He has never acknowledged the baby as his even though he looks like him- they have no relationship. But this child is a blessing to me and I have never ever regretted my decision to choose my baby.

Take your time OP

@SugarfreeBlitz

Wow, that's a change in attitude from your husband

What I think you should do is get counselling to make sure you (a) want to stay in the relationship and (b) what is right for you about the baby.

As I mentioned before, I lost my man because I chose my baby. He has never acknowledged the baby as his even though he looks like him- they have no relationship. But this child is a blessing to me and I have never ever regretted my decision to choose my baby.

Take your time OP

I'm sorry he has treat your DD that way, it's definitely his loss and not hers ❤

Yes a big and unexpected change from OH and has only complicated my feelings further.

I now have some counselling lined up so hopefully that lets me reach the right decision. I know they can't sway me either way but I'm somebody who gets alot from talking things through so I'm sure it'll help.

I'm changing my mind by the day now, yesterday I was sure I was going to terminate and today I'm swaying back in the other direction.

@Plzholdmyhandforamin
Sending thoughts and prayers for you as you make a huge decision.

@SugarfreeBlitz
Well said ! Thankyou for sharing.

Wishing you well Plzholdmyhandforamin.
And we're all still here as you process this.

Thank you ladies

I'm doing ok, I had a 20 minute counselling session over the phone this afternoon. It felt a bit awkward opening up to somebody I couldn't see but she was very kind and gave me alot to think about.

She reminded me that until 9 weeks there's nothing much there so I wouldn't be aborting a baby as such, at this stage.

She said I need to be kind to myself and if I go through with it then to remember all of the reasons I chose that option, when the guilt kicks in.

I'll have a scan on the 9th during my consultation/appointment so we'll know exactly how far I am, it won't be very.

The only thing is I have to go alone because of covid.

If I decide to proceed I'll be having the tablets there and then and will have to go through it all alone

Can someone take you and wait outside and drive you home? What about your mum? She sounded supportive, does she drive OP?

As you’re so conflicted I wouldn’t take the pills there and then. I’d see if you could take them home or return for them. That way you aren’t pressured and can think the appointment through in your head too

Yes, surely they'll let you take the pills home? But then will your DH try and argue you out of taking them?

When I was being booked in over the phone the woman said I'd have the consultation/scan then the treatment - if I decide to go ahead.

She said to bring a book / ipad / something to keep me occupied as there's alot of waiting around and said to bring sanitary towels.

She didn't say anything about me being able to take the pills home.

I'll be asking about that because that would be my preference. I couldn't bare to be in there for hours on my own going through that.

OH isn't able to come with me as he'll have the children but my DM has offered to come even though that means waiting outside.

I keep replaying this imagery in my head - I go there, take the tablets in a hurry to get it out of the way because the suspense is sickening, then regret it immediately.

Suffice to say I won't rush it. I'll make sure I'm totally sure before I do.

You've got five days, you can do a lot of processing in that time. Let your feelings unfold naturally, if you see what I mean.

Absolutely

I need to have a conversation with OH later and tell him I need him to back off a bit. He means well and i believe he is well intended, but all the OTT fuss about taking folic acid, putting my feet up, telling me to be careful when I'm rolling around on the floor with the children is just too much.

He's behaving as though there's a fully formed baby in there.

I'll make the decision that's right for me and the children, he won't sway me either way, but it does make me feel weird.

I've been to Sainsbury's today to get my food shop and get the children new clothes. I anticipated feeling really sad when I passed the newborn section, but I didn't.

That's a good sign right?

Brilliant sign! You sound like you're doing great and feeling strong now - I hope it lasts and I'm so pleased for you.

You're sounding a lot stronger and more sure of yourself.

I went to BPAS alone simply because DH was home with the baby and everyone else was busy. But I found it strangely therapeutic and peaceful to be alone with only my thoughts to deal with. The smiles across the waiting room with other women there were also empowering. I took a book, text my husband and wandered off to get myself a coffee. I was in and out of there with different stages to go through.

I took an oral pill at the clinic but had to wait 24 hours to insert the other pills at home, so I'm not familiar with the process they're describing. Perhaps ask them about it and state you'd like to be home as much as possible. Maybe they've said to take sanitary towels in case you opt for a surgical abortion? Mine was medical. They'll talk through all your options.

They haven't gone into the procedure much with me yet it'll all be explained at the consultation on the 9th, I could have had one over the phone but chose a f2f instead hence needing to change from BPAS to Marie Stopes.

They did say that if I choose to go ahead after the consultation i can have the treatment there and then, based on what I've read above that probably means the first pill.

I hope I can go home as the thought of being there all day is daunting.

Fingers crossed.

I'll definitely want a medical and not surgical, being sedated would be a huge trigger for my PTSD.

I remember your other thread (s?)

I think you need to separate the two issues out.

Your DP is a selfish man & manipulative with it. You had started to see the relationship was MOT working (for many good reasons). This pregnancy doesn't change that. Clinging into the relationship isn't going to do you any good.

The unplanned pregnancy. Given your DP & your relationship I really think you need to view this as if you were separated from him. Think about what YOU want & can cope with. I wouldn't want to influence you either way. At this stage (IMHO) it is just a 'cluster of cells' that have the potential to be a baby, not what you picture SS a baby.

DS might cope better than
You think & there are ways to keep the baby out of harms way.

Who knows re housing. You might get a bigger place soon & the baby would be in with you for a good while anyway.

Which option do YOU (not DP) think you could cope with best?

If I were you, I would phone them & tell them that no matter what, & no matter what I say on the day, I do NOT want to start the termination on that day, I NEED to go home to think about what has been said.

Less pressure that way and also less chance of regretting a hasty decision.