Can somebody hold my hand whilst I take a pregnancy test, I'm terrified

[Plzholdmyhandforamin]

My period is 6 days late, I have a certain type of discharge, period like cramps but different to actual period pains (I had this with DS before I tested positive) my boobs are so sore and I'm ridiculously thirsty.

I didn't connect the dots until I checked the calender and realised how late I am.

I can't have another baby for so many reasons.

Lack of space
My mental health is shit
My eldest is disabled and wouldn't cope with another baby
I almost died giving birth to my youngest and have PTSD from that.

I would have to abort but doing so would just about finish me off, I've always been against abortions where my body is concerned (but fully support other women's rights to make decisions about their own)

I was taking precautions but clearly not enough.

OH has gone to the small Tesco extra down the road to buy a test.

Please hold my hand I'm terrified

I don’t have personal experience to share with you, but I have every belief in you being able to make the decision that is best for you and your children, so please be kind to yourself and allow yourself to forgive yourself, take advantage of all the support they can offer you and remember that the decision you make is the right decision as you are the person that knows your situation the best. Sending warm thoughts

He will want me to have a termination 100%.
And what about you. Hand on heart what do you want. Do you not get a say in this. You're carrying this baby. He doesn't or shouldn't get to dictate.

@Jenasaurus

Sending strength and hugs to you OP, I had to make a similar decsion many years ago, I was 21 and fell pregnant while on the pill and when I told my DP I was pregnant, his response was I dont think I love you anymore. I went back to my DP, my DF told me I couldnt have the baby there, I went to the council and they told me as I had a mortgage/home with my BF even though he wanted me out, I wasnt elgible for a house.

I bought clothes for the baby but after a visit to the hospital I was advised to terminate for health reasons, I was 14 weeks (thought I was 10) It was the hardest thing I have done and I did need counselling afterwards, but at the age of 56 I have come to terms with it, and to be honest I think of it like this, life is hard and then we die, in sometimes painful circumstances, at least my baby didnt know anything about it, that may sound negative, but sometimes their is no easy solution and you will get through this I promise.

That's a lovely way to think about it, and the way I think about it too. The wee baby, for all it knows and understands, will never know anything but love. And making the difficult choice to do what's best for baby and your family is an act of love, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. OP.

I am pretty sure I have read some of your posts before as I remember you saying about your family life and lovely DM with learning difficulties. I have no words of advise as I needed a few rounds of Ivf to get pregnant myself. I can imagine your heart is breaking. But I think deep down you sense you cannot go through with this pregnancy, which I can imagine is very painful.

Why do you stay with him if he doesn't give you any support? I would look at getting extra help with your disabled child & go it alone. Get through your termination however you can & then make plans for you both to go your separate ways & also look at some long term contraception or sterilisation so you will never be in this situation again. You can get an assessment by an occupational therapist to see if you can have someone to give you a break. You are stronger than you think, this time will pass, you are doing what is best for you & your dc.

It’s a terribly lonely feeling being pregnant and not wanting to be.

I felt confused and overwhelmed then the next day I knew with clarity that having a termination the right thing to do for me

I have been in the position twice once unwanted second not practical (in the verge of breaking up) neither partner was supportive (one to be fair his father had died the day before as he was grieving)

I know I absolutely made the right decision for me and I have no feelings of guilt. I feel regret that I was in the position but not guilt there is no reason to

I hope you feel as I did that you know the decision is the right one and it’s doesn’t upset you too much x

Hi OP, pretty sure I’ve read some of your other threads. It sounds like your life is unbelievably difficult right now even without adding another baby to the mix.
Did you know the majority of women having abortions are already mothers? I believe this is because a woman’s natural instinct is to protect her existing children. Your two kids need you to be well for them.
For what it’s worth I’ve had a surgical. It was hard afterwards because I ruminated on what could have been and the hormones/PMS were bad for a while. But once it was all over I am so glad I ended the pregnancy. I feel absolutely 0% guilt for it. I think abortion is one of the last taboos. Very few people talk about it in real life but amongst the women I know well enough to share this with, I know terminations are very common.

I hate myself for even speaking like this on a post because there are so many women, like you, who would give anything to be a mum.

Don't you dare feel guilty. It was extremely unfair for someone to come onto your thread and tell you they'd really want the baby if they were you. They're not you. Ditto stories about how an unwanted baby became the apple of your eye also not helpful. This is an embryo, a bundle of cells. It's not a baby. I'm sorry you're going through this op. I developed ptsd after a traumatic birth and i will never have another baby. Your mental health and existing children have to come first and it's absolutely ok to prioritize that. I'm sorry your oh is a dick. Don't worry about that for now - do whatever you need to do re the pregnancy and then perhaps post on relationships to get help to leave him?

and I hope all goes well at the dentist. Be kind to yourself and try to take some time out (leave your husband looking after the kids)

Thank you for the solidarity and support. I've been a regular on MN for years and spoke on various boards about various issues over the past few years, my most recent post before this one was how I'm struggling with the lack of space at home and how it's negatively impacting DS.

I don't want a termination but it's the only practical outcome. If I were to keep the baby there would be 5 of us crammed into a small flat, making that 8 on days his eldest 3 come. It's unbearable.

Take OH and his other children out of the equation because the relationship is as good as over now, there still wouldn't be space and given how unpredictable and violent DS can be i would be worried about being able to ensure the babies safety as a single parent.

I've been trying to rally support to improve the housing situation but it has been fruitless so far. The council can't/won't help and when I approached SS they said that wasn't their remit and they can't help either.

I said last night that if I was in a supportive relationship with somebody I could trust and who I could lean on for support with my MH, and I had a proper home, I would keep this baby - and I meant it.

Oh OP, what a tricky decision for you.

Two difficult choices - however, you have to do what is right for you, your existing children and your husband.

That may be the devastating option, but the lesser of two terrible decisions.

I’m hand holding too, cos this is difficult for you.

I've spent the past hour reading through threads on here about termination and when I read a post along the lines of "I couldn't go through with it, I ran out of the clinic crying and told my baby I wasn't going to let them hurt him/her" I just lost it

I'm desperately trying to think of ways I can go ahead with the pregnancy without it impacting my current children / my mental health.

Adoption?

Would an open adoption be a possibility?

Am I just being ridiculous now?

@Plzholdmyhandforamin

This isn't about you terminating a pregnancy. This is about ensuring you are alive to care for the children you already have

Thank you for this comment. I'm going to log it and remind myself of that whenever I feel wobbly.

This has said what I was trying to say much more articulately thank I could.

I supported a friend through something similar recently. No judgement at all. If this is the right thing for you and your family then it is the right thing 100 per cent.

Hope you get an appointment soon.

Because OH has ASD and has (at least) 2 DC with it there's a high chance this baby could be on the spectrum too.

Would I cope with another autistic child? Would DS cope? I would struggle I know that much. Could we adjust? Maybe.

There's nothing I could do about the housing situation though. I've been trying for a year to move.

I'm going to see if I can access some of the counselling. Can anybody direct me as to where I need to call? Is it BPAS or Marie stopes?

@Plzholdmyhandforamin I haven't read the full thread but I'm sorry you're in this position.

I just wanted to warn you - depending on what your dentist app is for, there is a chance they may ask you if you're pregnant x

Just so you know, there are various options for pain relief for a surgical termination. You can have only local anaesthetic, or conscious sedation. I had conscious sedation and was fully awake at all times, I just didn't really remember the procedure much afterwards. It was very quick - literally over in five minutes - and painless, and I rested for a day afterwards but was genuinely fine. Or a medical termination is an option. BPAS or Marie Stopes can and will advise you on the best option for you.

I really wish you the best. You are in a hard, awful situation. Please don't read threads about people who decided not to have terminations if it's not helping you. I never thought I would have one, but i put myself, my mental health and my existing DC first and I did. And it really wasn't that bad, and looking back I know it was the right decision and have no regrets. If you want to PM me at all, I'm here.

I'll let my dentist know about the pregnancy when I go, I'm only there for a filling anyway.

I've submitted an appointment request form to BPAS. I'd like / need to speak to somebody in depth before I commited to the termination. I'm hoping I can access the counselling because I won't feel secure in a decision if not.

The website says I'll be emailed an appointment slot within 24 hours. I'm not sure if that'll be over the telephone or in person. No idea where BPAS even is. I'm in London and I'm assuming there are multiple clinics. I had to give my address and postcode, set a memorable word etc.

I agree reading certain threads where the posters have decided against abortion isn't helpful atm.

I did a total 180 after reading that. OH came in and I told him I can't do it. He said he understands and will support me in whatever I choose to do.

I got my wobble out of my system then thought actually, I don't know. I can't keep it.

Thank you for the contact details for Life, I will give them a call today.

Hi OP, just read your thread and thought I'd contribute my experience in case it helps, as abortion was a very positive experience for me. I found out I was pregnant when my DS was about 8 months old and due to my mental health and struggle with birth, my decision to abort was instant.

BPAS were wonderful, very kind and considerate. It turned out I was only 6 weeks along and I went for the medical abortion with pills to take at home. It was absolutely fine for me, no cramps, no pain, no nothing. Although I know that's not true for everyone. At around 6 weeks it's literally a ball of cells, there's nothing to it. A friend questioned how I felt, having already had one child, but that put me off pregnancy even more! I felt nothing but relief after it was over and I carried on with my life. I'm a few years on now and it's still one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I hope you get all the support you need.

@maymay8691

You can also call Life (0808 802 5433), who will be able to talk through all of your options with you (including adoption and practical support if you choose to keep the baby). lifecharity.org.uk/ I really do hope for the best for you. This is such a difficult situation, but there are people out there to help - please do reach out and get the support you need.

Oh come ON. Prolife propaganda and manipulation thinly veiled as "help". Nope. Why not just come out and say you don't approve?

@Brokenrecord3006

Hi OP, just read your thread and thought I'd contribute my experience in case it helps, as abortion was a very positive experience for me. I found out I was pregnant when my DS was about 8 months old and due to my mental health and struggle with birth, my decision to abort was instant.

BPAS were wonderful, very kind and considerate. It turned out I was only 6 weeks along and I went for the medical abortion with pills to take at home. It was absolutely fine for me, no cramps, no pain, no nothing. Although I know that's not true for everyone. At around 6 weeks it's literally a ball of cells, there's nothing to it. A friend questioned how I felt, having already had one child, but that put me off pregnancy even more! I felt nothing but relief after it was over and I carried on with my life. I'm a few years on now and it's still one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I hope you get all the support you need.

Thank you that was very helpful. I'm really glad you made the right decision for you and had no regrets.

I didn't know that the Life org was pro-life. It's probably best I don't contact them then, as any advice would be biased.

I've spoken to my mum this morning, she's coming round later on. I probably don't give her enough credit because of her LD's but she was very supportive "whatever you do, I'm here and I love you" bless her.

Abortion exists because sometimes it's necessary.

Women have fought for the right to make this choice because sometimes it's the only viable option.

Choosing a termination means that you are prioritising your DC and your mental health. Good.

It's hard not to be swayed by the very emotive ' I just couldn't go through with it' type posts, but EVERY situation is individual amd has a million different factors tipping the scales.

If you could take ''guilt' out of the equation, I don't think you'd be so conflicted. So try to factor it out, because it's a useless emotion and if you did go through with the pregnancy there would, no doubt, be times that you felt guilty towards your existing DC. So it's cancelled itself out.

Please give yourself permission to make the choice that's right for you and your family without feeling guilt. People have to make that choice every day and it's okay ❤️

I think the trouble is that for those of us who don't see it as a baby at this point, heartbeat or not, it's easy to say get a termination. I've never had to have one, but since v young, I was jn no doubt that I would do it. Both before and after having kids. I think adoption must be much, much harder.

Basically, my terror at an unwanted pregnancy far outweighed any qualms at ending a bunch of cells. But I accept, I am probably at the more extreme end. Dh got the snip a few years ago, so for the first time in 25 years, j don't need to worry.

OP your mum sounds lovely - I am glad you have her x