Can somebody hold my hand whilst I take a pregnancy test, I'm terrified

[Plzholdmyhandforamin]

My period is 6 days late, I have a certain type of discharge, period like cramps but different to actual period pains (I had this with DS before I tested positive) my boobs are so sore and I'm ridiculously thirsty.

I didn't connect the dots until I checked the calender and realised how late I am.

I can't have another baby for so many reasons.

Lack of space
My mental health is shit
My eldest is disabled and wouldn't cope with another baby
I almost died giving birth to my youngest and have PTSD from that.

I would have to abort but doing so would just about finish me off, I've always been against abortions where my body is concerned (but fully support other women's rights to make decisions about their own)

I was taking precautions but clearly not enough.

OH has gone to the small Tesco extra down the road to buy a test.

Please hold my hand I'm terrified

Whatever else your mum may or may not contribute to your life it sounds like she's got the understanding and compassion to be able to step up in the best way now. I'm so pleased she's said the right thing. You sound a bit calmer and clearer OP.

Very very best of luck negotiating this in whatever way's right for you.

OH just got a call back from his GP following the email he sent about a vasectomy. They're going to send him some info and I think make an appointment to discuss.

I think that's the best thing he could be doing in this situation as he explicitly doesn't want any more children. I'm also relieved and it feels like it's not just me facing a difficult decision and medical procedure now, if that makes any sense.

It's a mighty shame it took this happening for him to make that decision.

I do feel a bit calmer today, I owe that largely to you ladies here who have been voices of reason and support when I was a mess last night. Thank you.

OP I'm so heartbroken to read this and feel for you hugely. It sounds like deep down you know what the right thing for you and your family is. You will dig deep and find the strength to get through it.

I'll also share my story in the hopes it will give you some comfort to know that you are not alone. I had a surgical termination when I was 22. My boyfriend at the time was very abusive to me and so I knew that bringing a child into that environment would be unfair and cruel to the child. We were so young, no income or career or home to support the child and so I knew that I was doing the best thing for that unborn child. It took me a few appts with the clinic to actually book the termination as I was in turmoil (much like you are, I had a real head vs heart battle) but the procedure was painless and quick

Once it was done, I expected to feel a sense of guilt and sadness but truth be told I just didn't. I felt a relief and a calmness that I wasn't arguing with myself anymore over the decision and I absolutely knew that I had done the right thing. It wasn't easy at all, but it was the right thing. Not every termination leaves the woman feeling regretful.

From your situation, it sounds like this baby would have a pretty tough upbringing what with a sometimes violent ASD sibling, potentially divorced parents and potentially a mother with severe MH troubles after all your struggles. If you already know what's best I would let your head guide you through and try not to be discouraged by your emotions from making your decision. I feel really touched by this post and would give you the biggest squeeze if I knew you IRL. Feel free to send me a message if you need to chat to someone

Op, I don't have any personal experience to share re termination but I am a parent, and my view is that existing children and your own MH must come first.

You are so early on that if you can view this as a simple bundle of unviable cells, that might help. I don't think that in your situation I would feel any guilt at terminating for the greater good of all concerned. Take care of your self.

Im sorry OP it must be so very difficult for you ATM.You have so much on your plate already.Please do not feel guilty in any way . Please try to talk through with someone maybe Samaritans ? They are there 24/7 I think .Also your GP may have some sort of Counselling service .

Dear OP, I'm squeezing your hand virtually as I write this. I feel for you so much. You said you didn't want people to think you were heartless - reading your posts, no one in their right mind would think that, and if they did, their opinion wouldn't be worth your time. This is your decision and no one has the right to judge you for it.

I had a medical termination about 10 years ago. Having an abortion was definitely the right choice, but the process itself was traumatic and I wonder if a surgical procedure might be less so. I wanted to be at home with my mum and partner, but a medical termination is a very physical experience. I guess what I'm saying is, if you decide to have a termination then do your research before you decide which one is right for you.

Sending you much, much love. You will get through this.

@maymay8691

You can also call Life (0808 802 5433), who will be able to talk through all of your options with you (including adoption and practical support if you choose to keep the baby). lifecharity.org.uk/ I really do hope for the best for you. This is such a difficult situation, but there are people out there to help - please do reach out and get the support you need.

Life will not 'talk you through your options'. They will try to persuade you and guilt trip you into keeping the 'baby' (which, as others have pointed out, this is not - it's a bunch of cells). Massively not what the OP needs right now.

Thank you all so much for giving me the feedback I needed, unbiased.

OH has dropped a clanger now and has said he thinks I should keep it. I asked him why and he said because he thinks, knowing me as he does, I will regret my decision and struggle to forgive myself. He went on to say that our living situation can change, he doesn't regret any of his children and we can get support for my MH in advance of any dips, but we can't undo a termination.

He pointed out that the primary trigger for my MH at the minute is PMS (it's potentially PMD but I haven't been diagnosed)

I'm fine, normal, for 2.5 weeks out of the month but then as soon as I'm premenstrual I struggle.

He still wants to go ahead with a vasectomy and thinks I should still go ahead with the BPAS counselling as I'm so conflicted, but as far as he's concerned he's on board if i change my mind and decide to keep it.

I don't think I can, but I feel alot more supported than I did last night which makes me feel less alone.

I’m glad you’ve got support.

There most likely will be a heartbeat but you can elect not to see it on the scan.

Adoption is definitely an option to be considered. It’s right for some people.

Just sending love.

Ouch that is a clanger OP. You need to make the right decision for you; you bear the brunt of this. I hope he's saying he'll support you emotionally either way.

@Titsinknicks

Op a termination is only as harrowing/painful as you let it be. It can be quick and easy and will be painless. You don't want another baby and you can have an easy safe medical procedure to not be. Many women do it every day, and later that day or the next day get on with their lives exactly as before feeling perfectly fine. You have a chemical reaction happening in your body - that's it. There is no need to torture yourself. Call Marie Stopes and get it booked. They're brilliant. I have never once for a second regretted my termination.

Exactly this. For me at least, obviously it's completely OK to have different emotions but for me it was just like this, never doubted it and back at work the next day. We're so bloody lucky in this country, to have access to safe and free terminations.

You need to do what’s best for you, op, not what your dh is saying now. What if he changes his mind later on? What if you split up? You need to look after yourself and your children and having another baby is not going to help you do that. Don’t contact Life. They do not have women’s best interests at heart. BPAS will be helpful and will not try to influence you. They are not a pressure group (unlike Life).
Good luck, op. Do what’s best for you. Having an abortion is every woman’s right. Hugs to you.

Just want to add - the replies to this have been so lovely and warm and caring. Truly was expecting a bit more of a toxic tone but feel really uplifted that we have all supported OP and there's been some lovey words and advice

I'm so glad you've found comfort in this thread OP

I didn't contact life (thank you those of you who pointed out that they have an agenda, I wasn't familiar with them)

I'm just waiting for an appointment to come through from BPAS now, I've had an email confirming I'll get an appointment through within 24 hours.

It's all well and good OH backtracking and saying we can do it, it'll all be fine, but the reality is it wouldn't be that easy. There are a lot of factors at play that mean having a baby now would be quite unfair on it/he/she and my existing children.

I don't have access to any MH support no. I'm on beta blockers for panic attacks but that's all. I had bad experiences with SSRI's so I'm reluctant to go back on them.

@Plzholdmyhandforamin These are not the only meds, there are dozens of things they can try. Get on to your GP/consultant at any time ASAP if you feel you might be beginnninng to struggle. If something doesn't work, keep going back so they can try something else.

Hiya OP, . If it helps any "heartbeat" at this stage is essentially the pulsation of charged ions moving across a membrane, not actual heart muscle beating like we have, its a semi permeable osmotic sac. I had a termination and thinking of it like this (I work in biology) helped massively. If you cant get support IRL, there's plenty of us on here to talk to.

Agree with PP about changing terminology as well, you're not "having a baby", there's a small mass of fertilised cells implanted in your uterine lining.

I definitely could've done more for myself in respect to getting help from my MH. After I had EMDR therapy / counselling after my birth trauma I decided not to continue experimenting with SSRI's after a bad reaction, choosing to focus on more holistic methods like good diet and exercise. I wasn't keen on being on meds long term and preferred to do what I could myself.

I feel fine alot of the time but as soon as I enter into my premenstrual window I come crashing down, hormones definitely play a huge part in respect to my episodes of poor MH but then some of it is situational too. The need for a bigger home etc.

If it helps any "heartbeat" at this stage is essentially the pulsation of charged ions moving across a membrane, not actual heart muscle beating like we have, its a semi permeable osmotic sac

That does help. Thank you. As soon as my test came back positive I associated that to a baby, which it just isn't at this stage.

I recently went for a 5 week scan OP and there was just a sac to be seen, nothing inside and definitely no visible heartbeat (or pulsation, as a PP correctly commented).

I had a termination many, many years ago (medical, not surgical) and was asked by BPAS if I wanted to see the screen. There is absolutely no obligation for you to look and you can ask that the screen is pointed away from you so you do not have to see anything at all.

I am so sorry you are going through this and I wish you and your family all the very best.

Just a thought here - if your eldest has challenging behaviour, you may be eligible for a larger home to enable him to have his own space - and for your younger one to sleep away from any disruption
Ask for support from your local disabled children’s team to put in an application 😊

@cafenoirbiscuit

Just a thought here - if your eldest has challenging behaviour, you may be eligible for a larger home to enable him to have his own space - and for your younger one to sleep away from any disruption Ask for support from your local disabled children’s team to put in an application 😊

Hi thank you

I actually did that a couple of weeks ago before this pregnancy came to light, the disabled team within SS couldn't help but I've been signposted to a universal service called Early Help and I'm waiting for them to get in touch with me.

I remember your thread about the impossible housing situation OP. It sounds like your husband is finally acknowledging that the intolerable housing situation needs to change now. If I remember correctly the problem was that anything larger and in your price range would have to be a bit further away from his older children? Maybe he’d be willing to seriously look into that option now. As in start ringing estate agents and looking at places serious. Whether or not you have this baby, moving needs to happen and maybe seeing how upset you are having to make this decision to terminate a surprise pregnancy will finally be enough to get your DH to act.

Op just another hand hold here. I am glad you are seeking counselling.

Thanks ladies, yes that's me waves sheepishly

OH's reluctance to move far enough so we could upsize considerably within our budget has been a huge barrier. The main (but not only) reason is because at the moment we're very close to his oldest children and he was worried that moving further away would damage his relationship with them / they might think they were being pushed out when we're no longer a 10ish minute walk up the road.

It got to the stage where I was prepared to go it alone so I could focus on my 2 rather than having to consider everybody else. Selfish perhaps.

He suddenly decided he was prepared to look at moving further afield. I didn't believe it would stick so was bracing myself for us to separate.

Then I discovered this pregnancy.

I've spoken with a lady from BPAS she called about 30 mins ago. I was asked if I wanted a f2f consultation or one over the phone, i said f2f so she had to refer me on to Marie Stopes as they are offering f2f consultations rather than just over the phone.

I've been booked in with them to be seen on 9th March and can have the treatment there and then, after the consultation, if I want it.

I asked about counselling and was told yes I can definitely have that, she gave me their number to call directly and told me to give them a ring and let them know I'm booked in for the 9th but need some counselling beforehand.

I came off the phone and OH asked how it went, I explained, he then said "you're not going to have the termination are you??" as though he wanted reassurance that I'm not %100 sure.

I said I just need to have the counselling and know my options.

I have a niggling feeling that his suddenly wanting to have the baby is because he's worried about how I'll cope with terminating/he thinks I'm going to regret it - rather than him actually wanting a baby.