So hurt for my daughter - do I say something?

[SquarePeggyLeggy]

I am really upset and want to check it’s reasonable to say anything and if so what and when.
I don’t think my sister in law likes us all that much, but it’s always civil and not unpleasant, she just doesn’t pursue any relationship with me or closeness for the cousins really, but does always take me up on invitations. I feel kept at arms length by my brother too, but again, always comes anywhere they’re invited and stays in touch at least once a week. I tried to push a closer relationship, but it’s clear they don’t want that, so for the last several years, I just backed right off and am here if they need, rather than trying to be friends per se. The exception to this has always been my daughter and niece, they are 6 months apart. They are close and get on well, and we have my niece for sleepovers etc sometimes, they’ve got their own relationship going. We are always invited to their parties etc.
They are 8.
This year my brother told me his daughter didn’t want a party. She was going to catch up with “a couple of friends” one day, us the next, and then the grandparents the following weekend. I said: “we can drop daughter off to one of those other things, we don’t all have to come”. He insisted that she’d asked to spend the day just with us, and “didn’t want a party”. It all felt weird, and like we were being ring fenced, I don’t know but convinced myself I was paranoid.
Cue today: SIL posts a bunch of pictures on Instagram, they’ve had a full on, pony ride party with a bunch of kids, has to be 30. Its a mix of their friends kids and school friends so it’s not just a school party, and anyway, they said there was no party?
It’s allowed here, btw.
We are supposed to have our catch up tomorrow and I just feel sick to my stomach. I felt they were leaving us out and this was our consolation to make us feel better, and I was right! For some reason they need to segregate us away from their friends and family. I have no idea what’s happened, and my daughter is 8! The girls haven’t had words, nothing like that, I’m so confused!
Do I say something? I just feel crushed for my daughter who thinks they’re besties. I don’t know how to act tomorrow! I want to cancel, but it’s not my niece’s fault! What do I do?

People saying you sound intense and too involved, I don’t agree. This is your brothers family, not a school mum.. I’d feel hurt too, mainly because they’ve lied to you.

I think if I were you, I’d continue with the meet up tomorrow and ask them if their dd enjoyed her party. Be nice, kind, etc. Then I’d step away. The girls can still be friends, FaceTime and the odd meet up/sleepover etc, but don’t chase people who are like this. Don’t waste your headspace on it. Sometimes people are just like this..

@FatCatThinCat

People can excuse it many ways but I still think it's mean and I wouldn't be playing along with it. I'd cancel your second tier invite, 'We won't be coming today as I expect you need time to clear up from the party DD wasn't invited to' and then don't bother with them anymore.

This will make her look like a nut job.

Hi. Op

I think you are getting way too emotionally overworked up/involved .

Your sister in Law still sees her daughter your niece as her good friends but as her daughter cause of lockdowns has not been able to mix,socialise with her school friends,
Your sister in Law is forcusing on this developing school friendship in a balanced organic way.

As you are her family i assume they are as a family part of your social support lockdown bubble who they can see whenever its ok with you.
Its different for niece being sociabe with friends.

Friendships wax and wane at times its part of growing up that's what happening here op with your niece and daughter and sister in Law arrangement with her birthday party.

I think lockdowns stress and isolation is getting you down somewhat and you are getting personal stuff out of perspective op.

I don’t agree with the poster who said if you invite one cousin you invite them all dd from around 8 onwards has a genuine friendship with her same age same sex cousin and is so proud to have her at her parties. We don’t feel the need to invite the legions of little boy cousins who wouldn’t be the slightest bit interested in coming anyway!

The niece has a different friendship group, that is fine; it would be awkward if OP's daughter didn't know anyone else.
Plus they had already facilitated birthday time with OP's family. She gave OP options, it wasn't for the OP to try and push into things not suggested.
And she has plenty of contact they accept all invites and speak once a week, how is that not close?
Maybe OP's overbearing behaviour has a big part to play.

It might not be anything to do with you or your daughter. Some people develope a bit of public facade/image and a family member at a gathering could be a threat to that.

Your post hit a nerve with me because I am that SIL. I “don’t like my in-laws v much” and I don’t really want to hang out with my SIL but she pushes the relationship with us even though I don’t know why as she always off with me. I am polite to her, no animosity but that’s just to rub along nicely. My SIL is pushy, she wants us to go away for the weekend together and that is my idea of hell.

I Know that when I’ve had parties in the past I haven’t enjoyed it if my in laws are there as it becomes about them and my DC rather than my DC enjoying themselves. Maybe this is it?

I do find it odd,(strange) your sister in law did not say the truth about niece birthday party.

Maybe sister in law was trying to be sensitive about your feelings, in a cack handed way,but its obviously back fired !?

In the past has your sister in Law said/done odd /strange insensitive hurtful things towards you or your family op?

or is this a one off out of character type of thing/situation op?

@Gcnq

Just ask your brother

Yeah, why is the SIL the one getting all the stick?

@thosetalesofunexpected

Hi. Op

I think you are getting way too emotionally overworked up/involved .

Your sister in Law still sees her daughter your niece as her good friends but as her daughter cause of lockdowns has not been able to mix,socialise with her school friends,
Your sister in Law is forcusing on this developing school friendship in a balanced organic way.

As you are her family i assume they are as a family part of your social support lockdown bubble who they can see whenever its ok with you.
Its different for niece being sociabe with friends.

Friendships wax and wane at times its part of growing up that's what happening here op with your niece and daughter and sister in Law arrangement with her birthday party.

I think lockdowns stress and isolation is getting you down somewhat and you are getting personal stuff out of perspective op.

I agree with your comments about friendships waxing and waning, but don’t really think the ones about lockdown and support bubbles are applicable. If there are parties for 30 going on, I don’t think the OP lives in a country with a lockdown or support bubbles!

@KingAlex

My 8yo DD also has a cousin the same age.

She would happily invite her to everything, but it can get a bit awkward sometimes because we can't just invite her. We would also have to invite older/ younger cousins, aunties/ uncles, 2nd cousins of a similar age...the list becomes endless.

Kids' parties can be a nightmare of family politics.

This is why I though OP said they could just drop daughter off to something if needed. To make it clear she didn’t expect the whole family to be invited. Pretty normal and even kind thing to do in my family/world.

I think the comment from DB about the house being chaos all the time and his obvious embarrassment means there are other issues at play and he’s got his hands full.

I would be hurt by this and also prepared to discuss things to DD in case she figures out that her close cousin had a big pony party and she wasn’t invited. It’s a good lesson that everyone is not invited to everything there can be a multitude of reasons. That yes it hurts but to just remain gracious, don’t bring it up and carry on.

If its part of a pattern of sister in law being insensitive doing hurtful intentially or not things?

If it was me,

I would distance myself from sister in law to protect myself emotionally but still keep in contact with niece in some way.

Just ask your brother straight up 'Why did you lie about your daughter not wanting a party when the pictures are all over instagram?' Maybe then you'll get to the bottom of what the issue actually is.

They are 8, friendships come and go at that age. If you feel hurt by this simply cancel and remove yourself from the situation. Don't invite them to anything anymore and be civil at family gatherings. It was mean to do this, but they don't have to invite you or your dd.

That sounds really hurtful. It’s because it’s linked to, the already sneaking suspicion of being rejected. Social rejection does hurt.

Is your daughter aware they had a party and is she upset about it? Or have you kept it from her.

I’d be distant with them from now on, the least they could do is explain like adults beforehand.

It seems like you do the initiating when they accept invitations. Why not focus your daughters attention on other friendships for now.

Oh and i would avoid asking them, you’ll seem childish (even though you’re not) and is they bring it up or apologise just tell them that you respect their choices.

This is why I though OP said they could just drop daughter off to something if needed. To make it clear she didn’t expect the whole family to be invited. Pretty normal and even kind thing to do in my family/world.

It might be normal to suggest a close family member just drops a child off at your house rather than the whole family coming.

It isn’t normal to just tell the family member (who the OP has already admitted she doesn’t have a terribly close relationship with) that you’ll drop your daughter round to a party, when she hasn’t been invited!

I wonder what your SIL would say about her side of the situation if she were to stumble on this thread?

To be clear, I'm not blaming my SIL. It was my brother who told me there was no party, in so many words. No contact with SIL about niece's birthday at all, all with my brother. SIL posted on Instagram, brother doesn't use it.
Yes, she has been insensitive in the past (asked me to babysit so she could throw my brother a birthday party...meaning I wasn't invited). BUT to put pictures up knowing I would see, she wouldn't do that, she's not mean at all. I think it's more likely she doesn't know brother lied to me, and thought I would be ok, or not even thought of me, but didn't think any problem with it.

If its part of a pattern of sister in law being insensitive doing hurtful intentially or not things?

There's absolutely no evidence of that, all she's done is not be extremely close to OP. The expectation that she should have to be and accusations of being hurtful if she doesn't sounds an awful lot like wife work.

I think it is hurtful but I just wouldn't say anything as I'm not sure its worth any fallout.

My DD is close in age with one of her cousins, my niece. They have always got on well but my DB and his wife split up about 3 years ago and since then my DD is never invited to DNs parties. We still invite DN to DDs and she comes and seems to have a great time. I wonder if its because DBs ex finds it awkward that we're his family but we literally live 5 minutes down the road and could just drop off DD and go. I find it hurtful and DD always asks what her cousin is doing for her birthday and I end up lying. But I wouldn't want to say anything and make the situation more awkward.

The lying is bad for your relationship, but the separate party not so much. We usually do a party for school and something else for family. It’s just too much otherwise. DC have a different interaction with school friends vs their cousins and I don’t think it’s that helpful to mix them up. Not that it’s been an issue for the last year anyway!

YANBU for being upset. But I think if you mention it, it could cause a whole load of drama. It sounds like the relationship between your families is hanging by a thread, and to mention it might be the beginning of the end. They will have an excuse right there to cut off from you completely if they feel you are being confrontational. Its probably time to step back and stop investing time and effort. My dd developed a strong relationship with her cousin, when we were in a similar situation to yours, when they were teens, and now they are older they have a very close relationship with each other independent to my still not very close relationship with my SIL. I really don’t think that by you confronting the situation with them is going to suddenly make them form closer ties. They obviously don’t want that, so it’s just going to create extra drama.

A further element to this - there is no other extended family on my side. At all. So... to never invite them again would mean no relatives at anything. We dont have grandparents or other cousins. My husband's siblings are all over the world. This is a huge factor in why I invite when I do. I think I would have stopped otherwise.

OP, I really feel for you. I dont think you have been pushy and all these posters who call you "intense" I guarantee would have felt awful for themselves and their children, had they been in your shoes. This is your family, not just some random school parents or neighbours doing this. It is so ugly and hurtful.

To make a few points here:

• If DB and SIL felt that you are pushy (as PP have suggested), then why are they in touch every week and accepting ALL your invitations?
• I dont buy this whole "different groups" or "your DD wouldn't know anyone there". We are talking 30 kids and a pony party - too many people and big activity to focus on, it wouldn't have "strenghtened" or "lessened" any relationships at all. And the girls are only 8 afterall, dont see how mixing groups is such a problem at that age.
• You've always invited each other's DDs at birthday parties and suddenly they are excluding your DD for no reason, no less from something that any child would have really enjoyed.

Still, if they had given an excuse would have been different, but they did not. The the lying is too hurtful to ignore.

I would just text your DB to say I'm canceling our "catch-up". I'd also say that you and your DD have both seen the photos and that has really hurt DD.

Let him feel the guilt and embarrassment as he struggles to make up explanations, he certainly deserves it.

You can of course try to brush it off and never bring it up, but as it has affected you deeply it is better to tell him so at least you know there's no pretence. What he did was not okay.

And definitely encourage your DD in fostering other friendships which would be better for her.

@thosetalesofunexpected

If its part of a pattern of sister in law being insensitive doing hurtful intentially or not things?

If it was me,

I would distance myself from sister in law to protect myself emotionally but still keep in contact with niece in some way.

No, nothing intentional at all. Thoughtless on occasion, but my brother more so, and neither of them maliciously, ever. I didn't mean to give that impression.