So hurt for my daughter - do I say something?

[SquarePeggyLeggy]

I am really upset and want to check it’s reasonable to say anything and if so what and when.
I don’t think my sister in law likes us all that much, but it’s always civil and not unpleasant, she just doesn’t pursue any relationship with me or closeness for the cousins really, but does always take me up on invitations. I feel kept at arms length by my brother too, but again, always comes anywhere they’re invited and stays in touch at least once a week. I tried to push a closer relationship, but it’s clear they don’t want that, so for the last several years, I just backed right off and am here if they need, rather than trying to be friends per se. The exception to this has always been my daughter and niece, they are 6 months apart. They are close and get on well, and we have my niece for sleepovers etc sometimes, they’ve got their own relationship going. We are always invited to their parties etc.
They are 8.
This year my brother told me his daughter didn’t want a party. She was going to catch up with “a couple of friends” one day, us the next, and then the grandparents the following weekend. I said: “we can drop daughter off to one of those other things, we don’t all have to come”. He insisted that she’d asked to spend the day just with us, and “didn’t want a party”. It all felt weird, and like we were being ring fenced, I don’t know but convinced myself I was paranoid.
Cue today: SIL posts a bunch of pictures on Instagram, they’ve had a full on, pony ride party with a bunch of kids, has to be 30. Its a mix of their friends kids and school friends so it’s not just a school party, and anyway, they said there was no party?
It’s allowed here, btw.
We are supposed to have our catch up tomorrow and I just feel sick to my stomach. I felt they were leaving us out and this was our consolation to make us feel better, and I was right! For some reason they need to segregate us away from their friends and family. I have no idea what’s happened, and my daughter is 8! The girls haven’t had words, nothing like that, I’m so confused!
Do I say something? I just feel crushed for my daughter who thinks they’re besties. I don’t know how to act tomorrow! I want to cancel, but it’s not my niece’s fault! What do I do?

So you think it isn't reasonable for the niece to choose whether she wants to integrate her with her friends, ever?

"Having read your updates I wonder does he currently still owe you money?
Could it be he was embarrassed to be seen to be spending money on an obviously expensive party while still owing you money?"

I think Music... has a good point here.

@aSofaNearYou

So you think it isn't reasonable for the niece to choose whether she wants to integrate her with her friends, ever?

I think it's pretty appalling to tell your niece you're not having a party then have a party with loads of her friends. I think without good reason it's pretty awful to not invite her full stop.

I didn't say ever, though , did I? Neither did OP. But a yearly birthday party, yep , pretty awful.

Agree Rooty

Well each to their own, but I think it's pretty stifling expectation to have of someone, to the point of being appalled that they don't include you in a totally different friendship group. It's perfectly reasonable for her to decide for herself how she manages the different areas of her life. I've never met any of my cousin's friends.

@aSofaNearYou

Well each to their own, but I think it's pretty stifling expectation to have of someone, to the point of being appalled that they don't include you in a totally different friendship group. It's perfectly reasonable for her to decide for herself how she manages the different areas of her life. I've never met any of my cousin's friends.

Right.

But I presume that you weren't excluded from every birthday party of theirs as a child?

I didn't go to their parties, no, we met up separately as family.

I can see that point of view.

But OP and her daughter obviously want to be involved and I really don't see what the problem with that is.

@WithMyOldCockLinnet

I would have the day with the two girls, and let them enjoy it, but separately say to your bother “that was nice, the girls had a good time, glad they could spend birthday time together. But why did you tell us there was no party when clearly there was? Why didn’t you just say? Has something happened that I don’t know about?”

Yes, this!

@RootyT00t

I can see that point of view.

But OP and her daughter obviously want to be involved and I really don't see what the problem with that is.

Obviously the problem is the other side don't want that. They need to take the hint, otherwise they are just being pushy.

I would ask - didn’t realise you were having a party? Out of curiosity, why wasn’t DD invited, she would have loved it? Is there a problem as I’m feeling some distance or tensio?

He’s your Brother. Your Niece. Use your voice. Find out what’s going on.

No one on MN knows the ins & outs of it all, but if that happened to my DD & her cousin I would want to know why she wasn’t invited & why the lies.

Just communicate!

Sofa, it may be factually true but it's pretty unkind

@RootyT00t

Sofa, it may be factually true but it's pretty unkind

You keep saying that but I really don't think it is. It's just the same as not wanting to bring your sibling along when you do things with friends. Sure, it can be disappointing for kids because they LIKE doing fun stuff, but it's not actually unkind and it's a natural part of growing up.

They may have wanted to start separating friends and family from the point the DD started properly making friends, but OP was always so keen to send her DD that they didn't know how to make the break and ended up lying. If people stopped thinking it's dreadfully unkind for their children to not be invited to things, regardless of the circumstances, then that sort of thing wouldn't end up happening.