So hurt for my daughter - do I say something?

[SquarePeggyLeggy]

I am really upset and want to check it’s reasonable to say anything and if so what and when.
I don’t think my sister in law likes us all that much, but it’s always civil and not unpleasant, she just doesn’t pursue any relationship with me or closeness for the cousins really, but does always take me up on invitations. I feel kept at arms length by my brother too, but again, always comes anywhere they’re invited and stays in touch at least once a week. I tried to push a closer relationship, but it’s clear they don’t want that, so for the last several years, I just backed right off and am here if they need, rather than trying to be friends per se. The exception to this has always been my daughter and niece, they are 6 months apart. They are close and get on well, and we have my niece for sleepovers etc sometimes, they’ve got their own relationship going. We are always invited to their parties etc.
They are 8.
This year my brother told me his daughter didn’t want a party. She was going to catch up with “a couple of friends” one day, us the next, and then the grandparents the following weekend. I said: “we can drop daughter off to one of those other things, we don’t all have to come”. He insisted that she’d asked to spend the day just with us, and “didn’t want a party”. It all felt weird, and like we were being ring fenced, I don’t know but convinced myself I was paranoid.
Cue today: SIL posts a bunch of pictures on Instagram, they’ve had a full on, pony ride party with a bunch of kids, has to be 30. Its a mix of their friends kids and school friends so it’s not just a school party, and anyway, they said there was no party?
It’s allowed here, btw.
We are supposed to have our catch up tomorrow and I just feel sick to my stomach. I felt they were leaving us out and this was our consolation to make us feel better, and I was right! For some reason they need to segregate us away from their friends and family. I have no idea what’s happened, and my daughter is 8! The girls haven’t had words, nothing like that, I’m so confused!
Do I say something? I just feel crushed for my daughter who thinks they’re besties. I don’t know how to act tomorrow! I want to cancel, but it’s not my niece’s fault! What do I do?

[Inthevirtualwaitingroom]

they lied
that is mean
but it is their choice or rather their daughters

[WithMyOldCockLinnet]

I would have the day with the two girls, and let them enjoy it, but separately say to your bother “that was nice, the girls had a good time, glad they could spend birthday time together. But why did you tell us there was no party when clearly there was? Why didn’t you just say? Has something happened that I don’t know about?”

[Quartz2208]

So it was school friends plus SIL family - did that include any 8 year olds at all? Were any of the children involved anything other than school friends and did your daughter know any other than your niece

And what is the plan for today?

Also this I think is your brother not your SIL as she clearly hasn’t hidden it on Insta. There is a clear reason that your daughter and niece interacting together at the party was felt to be detrimental either to your daughter who would be ignored or the school friends. I have noticed 8 seems to be the age at parties where having guests who aren’t in the school clique can cause problems and stress

What is the plan for today as well a nice day just the two families are you going out and doing things where they can be together and celebrate?

8 is getting towards trickier friend dynamics your niece may well have felt more comfortable segregating out her school friends and your DD rather than choosing or trying to integrate. It’s the age they find that far more difficult

[Janaih]

I suspect your brother has been tasked with telling you you're not invited and has gone for the easy option of saying she doesn't want a party.
It must have been upsetting to see the photos, that's never nice so I feel for you there. But you need to take a huge step back. They might even want to socialise more if you chill out a bit.

[HikingInTheHills]

If your brother stays in touch once a week that’s a close relationship in my opinion. Why would you want to “push” for more, it seems heaps already. I think you need to back of with the SIL thing, she may view your family as her DP’s responsibility to deal with which is exactly what everyone says you should do with the in laws instead of doing all the wife work.

The two girls are 8. Maybe they’d said they weren’t having a party because clearly they knew you’d get hurt and worked up about it. Which you have done. The are heaps of reasons your daughter may not have been invited as other posters have said, and I agree that it’s likely to be more about the dynamics of the kids that are there and how they all mix. I remember when mine was that age we had to stop inviting any of the neighbors kids (that they played with heaps) because one little girl would get too possessive and it wouldn’t work with school friends and other friends.

I also think you have to stop the infatuation with your SIL and what she thinks or doesn’t think of you. It’s a little weird.

[Sally872]

Once a week contact is close I don't know why that made you step back. They always accepted your invitations and are pleasant I don't understand why you felt this relationship wasn't a good one?

It can be hard to invite everyone and if your dd doesn't know anyone else maybe they worried she would feel left out as cousin wouldn't be fully available. Maybe cousin relationship is so nice they wanted a celebration where cousins could see each other properly. Maybe your neice wants an aunt and uncle too and they are trying to repair relationship. It was rude of you to suggest dropping off dd at one of the other things rather than wanting to see neice yourself.

[sonnysunshine]

I would be upset but do agree with the difficulties of mixing non school and school friends. Also being in touch once a week is loads. My sister and l speak every couple of months and get in really well!

[ElijahsMoon]

I think it was wrong and rude of your brother to lie to you. Very hurtful. However your behaviour may have made him (wrongly) feel he had no choice. you say

She was going to catch up with “a couple of friends” one day, us the next, and then the grandparents the following weekend. I said: “we can drop daughter off to one of those other things, we don’t all have to come”. He insisted that she’d asked to spend the day just with us, and “didn’t want a party”.

he told you the plan and you tried to push your daughter into this. he didnt invite her, its rude of you. he gave you a whole day and you pushed for more. Keeping in touch once a week is a decent amount of contact to be fair. My siblings, who i feel i have great relationships with, i can go a month without speaking to them if we are all busy with work and life etc. then we pick up where we left off. Always there for events etc.

[Marchitectmummy]

Isn't it nicer to spend time with them on their own rather than as part of a party of 30? Thr two girls can actually speak to each other, rather than merge into a number at a party.

Sorry but I find your sensitivity weird.

[pictish]

“If your brother stays in touch once a week that’s a close relationship in my opinion. Why would you want to “push” for more, it seems heaps already. I think you need to back of with the SIL thing, she may view your family as her DP’s responsibility to deal with which is exactly what everyone says you should do with the in laws instead of doing all the wife work.”

I do agree with this. It sounds as if contact is regular and frequent. The relationship between you all is your brother’s remit really...sil is perfectly ok to leave it to him and pursue her own social interests and those of her dd. I think it’s probable that sil said she wanted to keep it school and mum pals...and your brother just lied instead of saying so.

[2pinkginsplease]

We’ve never invited cousins to any of our children s parties. Their parties are for their friends.

You so seem quite pushy though.

[Rupertbeartrousers]

Just go for your intimate family lunch, don’t show your 8 year old pictures of the party or make her feel bad about it. They might have a better time just the two of them than a big noisy party with 28 unfamiliar children and a lot of parents that your DB and SIL are having to make small talk with anyway.

If you get chance to speak to your brother on his own... perhaps something like “today has been lovely, thank you for inviting us, I just wish you could have felt that you could be honest with us about the party rather than say you weren’t having one” especially if cousin tells dd all about it and she is hurt.

Or let it go, and stop giving this so much head space for your own good.

[thetell]

In the nicest possible way I am going to suggest that this is about you, not your daughter, at its heart. I think you feel hurt by your brother not wanting to be as close to you (either because of his wife or his own choice). I get that, my brother has done similar and it does really hurt, but once a brother gets married the relationship changes. Pouring what you miss about your relationship in to the children isn’t going to mend it though as they are their own people and it sounds like your niece has just made some decisions about her friendships and family and with all the will in the world you aren’t going to change that. Be grateful for their relationship whatever it is and put your energy elsewhere - your own friends. X

[Springsnake]

We have the same ,never invited to meals together ect
Not a lot you can do ,if you don’t want a huge fall out

[pictish]

Am I reading it right? Did your brother tell you your niece was having a catch up with some friends one day and seeing grandparents another....and your response was to say that you could drop your daughter off at either of those arrangements?
She hadn’t been invited to them. Why would you offer to take her?

Maybe you’re a bit full on and place more onus on the cousins’ relationship than your dh and sil. I don’t know.

[faerveren]

What @Rupertbeartrousersit’s said.

@SquarePeggyLeggy, It’s not nice and while your DD doesn’t have to be invited they lied about the party. No one likes to see their young child excluded. Ask your DB why they lied rather than why DD wasn’t invited, don’t overanalyse it.

[Inthevirtualwaitingroom]

i would not mention it personally.
it is their decision, and it was theirs to make.
not yours.

[Stovetopespresso]

He lied, that makes you feel uneasy. the increased pressure of feeling hurt about the party emotionalises it (our dc are out most vulnerable selves embodied imo). So sorry for you having to go through this, it does sound shitty family etiquette.

Try to not be hurt about the party. it probably was because they thought the girls would spend too much time together, or the SIL or db have a problem with the family/ the girls friendship/you thw you dont know about.

More important is the lying, there must be a reason why he felt he had to lie to you, to protect you, to protect themselves from your emotions etc
If you can talk to him about the lying not the party for the sake of your retionship, maybe do so. After all, this must be caused by something, and if you want to fix it you can try. Use it as an opportunity to grow for yourself if there is criticism involved eg he says 'we didn't tell you because we knew you'd be hurt"= you saying "how can I become someone who won't get hurt by db family?"

Be prepared for some home truths, let him open up, its probably something as basic as SIL with low self esteem feeling inferior to you and a cowardly DB.

you cant control what others do unfortunately, only your reaction to it.
your relationship might end up stronger as a family, or more honest at least.

or you can do nothing, up to you!

[TillyTopper]

I appreciate you are upset OP, but you seem to want quite an intense relationship with them. Perhaps they decided to have a friends party and a school party for their DDs birthday. Just because they are friends it doesn't mean they have to do everything together. You say your bro is in touch weekly - that seems a lot to me as well. My DH has siblings (now 40s) but they only speak every few weeks as they have their own families etc. I am only try to help when I say perhaps they find your expectations too intense.

Maybe you should back off them, encourage your daughter to have a wider range of friends and different social circles.

[Firkinhavinalaugh]

SIL family - was this involving other cousins of the same age and grandparents or was it just aunts/uncles children of a widely different age and SIL parents?
cousins of a different age - older perhaps - might be helpful at a party, younger might be babes in arms, grandparents might be there as your parents are having a weekend of celebrations

We’re your parents there?
if they were and all other relatives of DB and SIL then yes you probably DO have an issue

It doesn’t sound like they are getting special one to one treatment if this is the case?
your family is getting more one to one time

Are you and your DH socialable? Are you happy to mix and mingle with people you don’t know?
if you aren’t happy being socially independent with people you don’t know this can be hugely draining when entertaining. Was it 30 children or was it 30 in total? If your DD and DN paired off together would there have been much of a party and therefore relationship building? Has your dn been to other kids parties and do the parents think it would be nice to repay them? So many unanswered questions!

All of these things make a huge difference!

[Brown76]

I think you should ask your brother privately why he wanted to have a party without your DD there and invite you on a different day, you’re confused - you thought there wasn’t going to be a party. Perhaps he wanted to focus on getting to know other families better without his own family there? You’d just like to know what the thinking was. Take the anger out if it.

[B33Fr33]

I think you are being significantly pushier than you realise! So of course they've drawn a line.
You see them weekly and are trying to suggest you're OK with being excluded? Weekly! I'm not close with my brother, I haven't seen him for almost 3 years. I'm close to a cousin, we see each other maybe 3 times a year. You're suffocating relationships rather than letting them grow.

[B33Fr33]

And tbh asking about it will sound very grabby. If you want your child to do those things maybe organise them yourself.

[NOTANUM]

Regarding the party, do you want to meet the day afterwards given the niece will be full of chat about it? I wouldn't personally. A child knows that they can't go to every party but it's her cousin and I wouldn't put her in that position.

[diddl]

It does sound as if you are trying to push yourself/your daughter forward.

The seeing all of you-is that just a weekly catch up?

If it was another bday thing wouldn't your daughter be going to/out with them?