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Original poster

So hurt for my daughter - do I say something?

288 replies

SquarePeggyLeggy · 27/02/2021 06:27

I am really upset and want to check it’s reasonable to say anything and if so what and when.
I don’t think my sister in law likes us all that much, but it’s always civil and not unpleasant, she just doesn’t pursue any relationship with me or closeness for the cousins really, but does always take me up on invitations. I feel kept at arms length by my brother too, but again, always comes anywhere they’re invited and stays in touch at least once a week. I tried to push a closer relationship, but it’s clear they don’t want that, so for the last several years, I just backed right off and am here if they need, rather than trying to be friends per se. The exception to this has always been my daughter and niece, they are 6 months apart. They are close and get on well, and we have my niece for sleepovers etc sometimes, they’ve got their own relationship going. We are always invited to their parties etc.
They are 8.
This year my brother told me his daughter didn’t want a party. She was going to catch up with “a couple of friends” one day, us the next, and then the grandparents the following weekend. I said: “we can drop daughter off to one of those other things, we don’t all have to come”. He insisted that she’d asked to spend the day just with us, and “didn’t want a party”. It all felt weird, and like we were being ring fenced, I don’t know but convinced myself I was paranoid.
Cue today: SIL posts a bunch of pictures on Instagram, they’ve had a full on, pony ride party with a bunch of kids, has to be 30. Its a mix of their friends kids and school friends so it’s not just a school party, and anyway, they said there was no party?
It’s allowed here, btw.
We are supposed to have our catch up tomorrow and I just feel sick to my stomach. I felt they were leaving us out and this was our consolation to make us feel better, and I was right! For some reason they need to segregate us away from their friends and family. I have no idea what’s happened, and my daughter is 8! The girls haven’t had words, nothing like that, I’m so confused!
Do I say something? I just feel crushed for my daughter who thinks they’re besties. I don’t know how to act tomorrow! I want to cancel, but it’s not my niece’s fault! What do I do?

OP posts:
LadyLouOf2 · 28/02/2021 19:32

I have a similar relationship with my SIL and brother. And funnily enough my DD and their DS are also 6 months apart and they're super close. I would 100% say something. Also why did she post photos on FB if they didn't want you to see it. I think it's bang out of order and I'd absolutely be asking, and also making clear that your DD will be hurt. It was really shady behaviour.

BorderlineHappy · 28/02/2021 19:37

@SquarePeggyLeggy i think the db had to lie,otherwise the op would have dropped the child around uninvited.

I was that cousin and it was around this age i made my break.
I just didnt enjoy being with my cousins anymore.I wanted to have my own friends,independently.
Maybe DN is going through a similar stage.

LolaBre · 28/02/2021 19:55

Covid regs anyone?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
NotSorry · 28/02/2021 20:01

@LolaBre

Covid regs anyone?
They’re not in England - it’s in the OP’s posts
BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 28/02/2021 20:03

I think the thing that would bother me the most is the lying about it and then plastering it on social media. Why not just say, DD wants a special separate party with niece and family’?

We always include cousins in birthday parties. Why not? Seems a bit ott to be suggesting that a child won’t talk or play with any other child because their cousin is there, when there are 30 other children attending. Never been to a single party where that’s the case, as a child or adult.

Haven’t read the whole thread OP, but I hope you got a satisfactory explanation from your brother.

lalafafa · 28/02/2021 20:12

@HeatherShimmerIsMyShade

We stopped inviting a cousin to DD's birthday parties at that age, because they didn't know anyone other than DD and my DD would then feel obligated to stay with them and not be able to relax and enjoy herself. Could it be that? If your DD had gone, would she have known anyone else? As a PP has said, they've actually invited your family round separately, dedicating a whole day to seeing your family - not the actions of people who don't like you.
I've stopped asking a family friends daughter to DD2 parties, DD2 said she couldn't relax or enjoy herself as FFD didn't know anyone and clung to DD2. DD2 didn't directly ask me to not invite though, I just didn't suggest it.
Perky1 · 01/03/2021 08:07

We have had similar treatment from SIL. I would invite nieces and nephews to parties but we never got an invite to theirs even when they chose a venue local to us when they live 18 miles away. I didn’t question it but it was hurtful.

aSofaNearYou · 01/03/2021 08:52

We always include cousins in birthday parties. Why not? Seems a bit ott to be suggesting that a child won’t talk or play with any other child because their cousin is there, when there are 30 other children attending. Never been to a single party where that’s the case, as a child or adult.

Really?

I find that to be very frequently the case; child who is used to seeing the other child 1 on 1 and doesn't know anybody else clings to them like glue, following them around all day.

In fact I've very rarely seen a child in this position NOT do that. I can remember SO many fall outs from school around this subject.

At the same time, I've seen many 9 year olds start to develop a whole different persona to fit in with their friendship group, with very specific (and embarrassing in hindsight) in-jokes, slang, and tastes. This would be very hard to keep up around someone around whom you normally act completely differently (perhaps even, horror of horrors to a 9 year old, in a less mature manner), and who might "out" you by saying "why are you talking like that?"

I don't think it's at all hard to understand how this may have come from the birthday child herself, with any memory of what it was like to be that age.

jillybeanclevertips · 01/03/2021 10:40

WHATEVER THE REASONING BEHIND ALL THIS HO-HAHA, IT'S THEIR CHOICE AND IF THEY WANT TO EXLUDE YOU AND YOURS THAT'S THEIR CHOICE. SOMETIMES FAMILIES BECOME ESTRANGED YOU MAY NOT GET A REASON. THERE MAY NOT BE A PIVOTAL POINT AT WHICH THEY DECIDED THEY DIDN'T WANT TO BE AS CLOSE TO YOU AS YOU WOULD LIKE. ACCEPT IT AND MOVE ON. IF YOU FORCE THE ISSUE IT MAY SPILL OVER TO BECOME AN ALL OUT FAMILY FUED, WHICH WILL UPSET TOO MANY PEOPLE.

Teentitansonloop · 01/03/2021 10:58

@jillybeanclevertips

May I suggest you may be a tad over invested in this thread?

Also, read the OP's comments, it's all been resolved.

Tiredwiththeshits · 01/03/2021 11:20

This is really sad, I can only think they would have been such good friends the others wouldn’t have a look in.

tootiredtospeak · 01/03/2021 11:34

It's the lie that's the problem. Speak to your brother say it isn't an issue to do something separate but your disappointed he felt the need to lie about it. Get it out in the open ask him if maybe he feels you are pushing their relationship too much or if there is any other issue. If no other family were invited I would be okay with that but if they were then I would not.

Emm27 · 01/03/2021 11:58

Why put pictures up on social media knowing you will see them you’re brother told you there would be no big party if it was me a would be asking if there is a problem if the kids are so Close why not just invite her am sure her cousin would have loved her to be there with her friends when you do ask you’re brother make sure his wife is there because you never know it could be her that’s not wanting yous there

SlothMumma · 01/03/2021 19:34

I’d also be hurt. He lied about it , SIL’s family were all invited too. I would personally have to say to my brother but make it clear from now on you will take a step back and won’t be put in this position again. It’s hurtful and your daughter god forbid she finds out would be heart broken.

If I were you I would act Cool at the get together , if asked what’s wrong say nothing , that your fine. If you feel you want to say something I would say it to your brother , he’s the one that lied.

Similar thing happend to me , I’d just had my baby and a really close friend told me she wasn’t having a party for her child. I dropped gifts in and made a fuss , the cake was delivered whilst I was there... she insisted no party . Two days later photos were posted of a bouncy castle , the cake and all of our friends and their children. Supposedly I was a really good friend of hers and she valued our friendship . At the time I was so hurt and baffled at why I wasn’t invited , my baby was very young so wouldn’t have eaten or taken up much room but it would have done me the world of good to be around other mums and to have been included. When I told her that I was upset she told me she had forgotten to invite me ? She lied to my face and told me she wasn’t having a party . I get you , it’s awful but unlike you I chose not to let that person be in my life so she can’t hurt me like that again . Good luck . Protect yourself and your daughters feelings .

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 02/03/2021 18:21

Having read your updates I wonder does he currently still owe you money?
Could it be he was embarrassed to be seen to be spending money on an obviously expensive party while still owing you money?

Porridgeoat · 02/03/2021 18:44

Once a week is good contact wise

Fine for the child to have one day with your family and a separate party for school friends

SlothMumma · 02/03/2021 20:30

Well done op, I think we all over think at times but I’m so glad you walked away from the meeting feeling more confident and settled on the issue Smile

RootyT00t · 02/03/2021 20:33

@BeeGeeTee

OP, you’re waaay over-involved here in whether or not a child is invited to a party, and it sounds as if your apparent desire to be friends with your less interested SIL is getting mixed up in the situation — notice you keep saying “leaving US out’, ‘segregating US away’. Children’s friendships fluctuate, too, but obviously don’t upset your DD if you think she’d be sad to have missed a party.
It's not about whether ' a child is invited to a party '.

It's the fact her brother has deliberately excluded his own niece!

aSofaNearYou · 03/03/2021 09:29

It's not about whether ' a child is invited to a party '. It's the fact her brother has deliberately excluded his own niece!

Erm no it isn't. Most agree it's reasonable for her to be "excluded". If anything, it's the fact her brother lied to her.

VegetarianDeathCult · 03/03/2021 09:49

@aSofaNearYou

It's not about whether ' a child is invited to a party '. It's the fact her brother has deliberately excluded his own niece!

Erm no it isn't. Most agree it's reasonable for her to be "excluded". If anything, it's the fact her brother lied to her.

Well, from the OP's last update it seems like even that was possibly a misunderstanding or miscommunication, as the non-party snowballed may not have been planned in the way it turned out, so it does all sound like the original storm in a teacup, especially as the children's relationship seems to have remained one of mutual liking, which is surely the most important thing.

And honestly, if my sister responded this melodramatically to photographs on Instagram of a party to which she felt her child should have been invited, or had constructed some entire psychological warfare situation out of what sounds like a perfectly civil brother-sister relationship with weekly contact, I'd probably be 'managing' her too, for the sake of my own peace of mind. Maintaining a relationship between two little girl cousins who get on very well doesn't have to be this intense and dramatic.

SnuggyBuggy · 03/03/2021 09:51

Sounds more like one of those men who isn't capable of communicating with his family rather than a lie.

aSofaNearYou · 03/03/2021 09:56

Oh I absolutely agree! I just meant that if anything was a cause for upset in the situation, it was the lie, not the idea of the DD not being invited. But personally I don't think either need to be a big drama.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 03/03/2021 15:47

Going against the grain but I don't think it was right of them not to invite the OP's DD. The girls are obviously close and unless there was a problem between the kids it's an obvious snub to not invite your niece. The lying just makes it worse. I don't think the OP has done anything wrong or been too pushy. To me it's normal to assume your child would be invited to their cousins party when they had always been the case and the girls are genuinely friends.

RootyT00t · 03/03/2021 18:03

@aSofaNearYou

It's not about whether ' a child is invited to a party '. It's the fact her brother has deliberately excluded his own niece!

Erm no it isn't. Most agree it's reasonable for her to be "excluded". If anything, it's the fact her brother lied to her.

No, it isn't reasonable for her to be excluded. I have no idea how anyone thinks that was.

But that wasn't my point. It was the post about 'a child'. She's hardly any child.

RootyT00t · 03/03/2021 18:03

@VegetarianDeathCult

It isn't OP in the wrong here.

The brother and SIL are bang out of order on all counts. I don't know how anyone is making out she is unreasonable.