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Original poster

So hurt for my daughter - do I say something?

288 replies

SquarePeggyLeggy · 27/02/2021 06:27

I am really upset and want to check it’s reasonable to say anything and if so what and when.
I don’t think my sister in law likes us all that much, but it’s always civil and not unpleasant, she just doesn’t pursue any relationship with me or closeness for the cousins really, but does always take me up on invitations. I feel kept at arms length by my brother too, but again, always comes anywhere they’re invited and stays in touch at least once a week. I tried to push a closer relationship, but it’s clear they don’t want that, so for the last several years, I just backed right off and am here if they need, rather than trying to be friends per se. The exception to this has always been my daughter and niece, they are 6 months apart. They are close and get on well, and we have my niece for sleepovers etc sometimes, they’ve got their own relationship going. We are always invited to their parties etc.
They are 8.
This year my brother told me his daughter didn’t want a party. She was going to catch up with “a couple of friends” one day, us the next, and then the grandparents the following weekend. I said: “we can drop daughter off to one of those other things, we don’t all have to come”. He insisted that she’d asked to spend the day just with us, and “didn’t want a party”. It all felt weird, and like we were being ring fenced, I don’t know but convinced myself I was paranoid.
Cue today: SIL posts a bunch of pictures on Instagram, they’ve had a full on, pony ride party with a bunch of kids, has to be 30. Its a mix of their friends kids and school friends so it’s not just a school party, and anyway, they said there was no party?
It’s allowed here, btw.
We are supposed to have our catch up tomorrow and I just feel sick to my stomach. I felt they were leaving us out and this was our consolation to make us feel better, and I was right! For some reason they need to segregate us away from their friends and family. I have no idea what’s happened, and my daughter is 8! The girls haven’t had words, nothing like that, I’m so confused!
Do I say something? I just feel crushed for my daughter who thinks they’re besties. I don’t know how to act tomorrow! I want to cancel, but it’s not my niece’s fault! What do I do?

OP posts:
Newlacesleeves · 27/02/2021 08:12

OP I’d be upset about that too. It’s the fact that your brother specifically told you that there wasn’t going to be a party when there clearly was. There may be a good reason for this but I think you have to speak to your brother. He must surely realise (or your SIL will) that you will have seen the photos on social media by now anyway?

SnuggyBuggy · 27/02/2021 08:13

I suppose there is an element of semantics as to what is considered a party and a get together.

purplecorkheart · 27/02/2021 08:19

Op the girls actually get on as well as you seem to think? Are the sleepovers at your house or theirs? The reason I ask is because I have a cousin a similar age and I was always being invited and sent to sleepovers although to be honest I did not particularly enjoy them.

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isitsafetocomeoutyet · 27/02/2021 08:21

Honestly just back off. You speak to your brother at least once a week and that's you taking it easy? That's quite intense for most people.

My ds and his cousin are six months apart. For a few years we invited him/they invited us to birthday parties. It never really went well as the poor kid wouldnt know anyone else there. (We always had brothers/sisters with them so they weren't entirely alone) but it felt like a nice but pointless gesture. So now we do a party for friends and then a family catch up.

The only thing that sticks in my craw is the lying. But perhaps he was only doing it to save your feelings?

Lalliella · 27/02/2021 08:23

I think you’re being a bit pushy wanting to see them more than once a week and saying you’ll drop your daughter off to things she isn’t invited to (once a week is already an incredibly close relationship imo)

I can also see that they might want a party without your DD to widen their DD’s friendship circle and if they thought the cousins would play together the whole time and not with anyone else.

However they shouldn’t have lied to you. And it’s really mean to post photos where they’d know you’d see them, that smacks of being deliberately hurtful I think. I think you should ask your brother why they lied. It may be that they find you a bit over-bearing and are scared of telling you, but they need to grow a pair really and have an honest talk.

Original poster
SquarePeggyLeggy · 27/02/2021 08:25

I don't think I expressed myself very well, I was trying to give some background.

I think the relationship is pretty good, generally speaking. I initially (years ago) hoped that we could be closer - and we were for a while, but I got the back off vibe and I have done so. I'm very hurt about that but I've never said anything. My brother will text "how are you?" approx once a week or two, which I agree is a good effort, and shows he thinks of it. I have genuinely accepted that they dont want to be closer, when I said they come to any invitations I extend - I keep it to birthday celebrations or Christmas for example. I always host, and its always at our house. And they come. I dont inundate them with requests to come over, and I dont initiate ANYTHING other than these gatherings which we would do as an immediate family anyway (want to come over for cake that we're already having etc). If niece comes over, they drop her off, or I even drive her home and my brother comes up to the car to collect her - I dont get out, and they dont ask me in. The not having people in to their house isn't entirely personal, it's often a huge mess and my brother is very embarrassed about this - this is definitely coming from him, he will say: I'll come and meet you, the house is chaos, and thew few times I've been in, it genuinely is. This is just to explain that I don't impose or invite myself over, and they never invite us, but also don't invite others inside their house either.

When I offered to drop daughter off, it was so they didn't have to organise 3 separate events. And also, to be honest, because if they do have a problem with one of us, it's least likely to be my daughter, so if they were doing it to not see one of us, that would remove that awkwardness. In case their problem is with me! Or my husband, or my son (who is older and Fortnite obsessed as previous poster has said is an issue for the cousins).
Anyway, it's true, for whatever reason they have decided lying is the best way to handle it. That's what's hurt - the lying. I understand the friend dynamic thing, they could have just said that. School friend only party, no problem. We haven't invited them to my older son's parties for two years - the age gap is too big, so that's a perfectly reasonable thing to say!
It's also very weird that SIL put pics on Instagram if she was in on it, I think they've decided to not invite, and brother was supposed to tell us and he has lied. But also, what does he expect? The his daughter won't talk about her fun party?
I will just back off even further and what, not invite them to anything? That's so sad.
oh well.

OP posts:
Cafcesque · 27/02/2021 08:26

"I say “us” because they’ve asked our family to the lunch tomorrow. Just us. At the party were a mix of school friends, dancing friends, and SIL family... so it was just “us” excluded."

Cant you see the flip side of this? They have dedicated a day/lunch to just your family to spend time with just you. Your daughter can have 1 on 1 time with her cousin rather than be one of 30.

They could have bundled you in with everyone else and legitimately ignored you with the excuse of having to spend time with everyone?

justamummydoingherbest · 27/02/2021 08:26

Maybe the birthday girl just doesn't want to see her cousin? It all sounds a bit intense. Maybe they are not as close as you think they are? She might just want to branch out and make friends who are not your dd?

I would just let it go. Maybe try to make other family friends you can visit instead of family.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 27/02/2021 08:27

I can see why you are a bit upset but you need to try and take a step back. I agree that asking.your DB is all you can really.do but you should.do it in a calm and factual manner.

To lie about there being a party and then post photos on social media that you have her as a friend is very insensitive.

Fleapit · 27/02/2021 08:28

@Cafcesque

"I say “us” because they’ve asked our family to the lunch tomorrow. Just us. At the party were a mix of school friends, dancing friends, and SIL family... so it was just “us” excluded."

Cant you see the flip side of this? They have dedicated a day/lunch to just your family to spend time with just you. Your daughter can have 1 on 1 time with her cousin rather than be one of 30.

They could have bundled you in with everyone else and legitimately ignored you with the excuse of having to spend time with everyone?

Yes, this strikes me too. But the OP seems to be determined to feel excluded.
Newcastleteacake · 27/02/2021 08:29

"I don’t think my sister in law likes us all that much, but it’s always civil and not unpleasant, she just doesn’t pursue any relationship with me or closeness for the cousins really, but does always take me up on invitations. I feel kept at arms length by my brother too, but again, always comes anywhere they’re invited and stays in touch at least once a week. I tried to push a closer relationship, but it’s clear they don’t want that, so for the last several years, I just backed right off and am here if they need, rather than trying to be friends per se. The exception to this has always been my daughter and niece, they are 6 months apart. They are close and get on well, and we have my niece for sleepovers etc sometimes, they’ve got their own relationship going."

I don't believe the cousins have the relationship that you think they do. And I think you need to back off from your DB and DSIL because you are causing more issues behind the scene than you realise.

Original poster
SquarePeggyLeggy · 27/02/2021 08:30

We don't catch up once a week in person - my brother texts. I haven't seen SIL or the whole family together since Christmas, and this is usual, we can go months without physically catching up. Just to explain. I agree that wanting more than a once a week catch up would be intense, I didn't express it well - that's not what we do.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 27/02/2021 08:31

Wow. They accept all invitations, stay in touch at least once a week yet you've still tried to push a closer relationship?! Do you not see how pushy you're being, offering to drop your daughter off to parties she's not invited to? I'd be keeping you at arms length too as you sound a bit much tbh. It's healthy for the family to have other friends. I'd be worried that you'll destroy the great relationship your daughter has with her cousin if you don't back off now.

I agree with the above from Nearlytheholidays2.

I think they lied because they didn't want to hurt your feelings and cause upset. If the party was made up of two separate groups (school friends and dance mates) then everyone knew at least someone else but your dd would have been on her own. You can ask your dbro about it if you like but be prepared for that to make the whole thing into a big hoo-ha which it really doesn't need to be.

Grognonne · 27/02/2021 08:36

I don’t know why you think he lied? He quite clearly said his daughter wanted a gathering with some friends which is exactly what it sounded like. You were told what was going to happen, a gathering with friends, then a family visit with you. Don’t get bogged down with semantics as to what constitutes a party and what is a gathering!! Although your children are friends, they are also family and it’s common to have a friends party and a family one separately. Your daughter is celebrating the cousin’s birthday with her and they get more alone time together - seems like the perfect scenario. Personally I wouldn’t make a problem where their isn’t one, it would be very awkward to bring up, especially as your brother probably won’t be able to see what he has done wrong to upset you.

Lorw · 27/02/2021 08:42

I don’t know what the big deal would be with just asking him? He’s your brother? Honesty is important.

femfemlicious · 27/02/2021 08:42

I would ask your brother why he lied in a non confrontational way. I dont see anything wrong with you asking. It doesnt have to be an argument. After this i would back off more. Dont invite them to things. Let them invite you if they want to see you.

Sleepingdogs12 · 27/02/2021 08:42

Just read your update which gives a better feel of what is going on. With my in laws I decided to just do the 'duty' things in the end as there was .never anything coming back the other way in terms of effort but it was fine if we saw them . In the end they got divorced, I think lots of tricky things were going on and they probably thought we were a bit snobby or did things too differently to them, had a view about their parenting etc families are complicated! The best thing is to be good role models to your children. Don't create drama, let things wash over you, do your duty if you can, help them understand we are all different and that is OK.

Rainallnight · 27/02/2021 08:42

I’d feel really upset too, OP.

Original poster
SquarePeggyLeggy · 27/02/2021 08:43

I did NOT explain myself well in my initial post and now I look like a crazy stalker not happy with a once a week in person catch up (which we dont have at all, and even I would think excessive). Blush

OP posts:
pictish · 27/02/2021 08:46

Yes it could simply be that school mates and dance mates are familiar together (it’s usually the case) while your dd has no connection other than your niece. Your niece would want to be mixing with the guests. They may have thought it easier all round to keep the events separate.

It’s such a stupid man thing to do, just make up a lie. Loads of men don’t do much social media for example...it might not have occurred to him that the event would be posted or that you would see it. It’s a theory anyway.

I hate being lied to. It makes me feel made a fool of and I resent that. As I said in the beginning I’d have to ask him...but I’d be canny about it. It’s the lie that’s the issue...not the lack of invite.

Howshouldibehave · 27/02/2021 08:46

School friend only party, no problem. We haven't invited them to my older son's parties for two years-the age gap is too big, so that's a perfectly reasonable thing to say!

Hmmm-I’m not getting the feeling from your posts though that had your brother said they were having a big party for school/dancing friends, you would have been happy!

Saying you can drop your daughter to things she hasn’t been invited to, is not a normal response as well. I suspect there is more to this than meets the eye.

Disressingtimes · 27/02/2021 08:46

“we can drop daughter off to one of those other things, we don’t all have to come”.

If they had wanted her to come they would have invited her. I’m sure they must have dreaded saying that their DD just wanted her day with them and her friends if you feel the need for your DD to be included in everything. It was their daughters day, no need to be upset or bring it up with them.

Stovetopespresso · 27/02/2021 08:47

The DB/SIL behaviour is insensitive, the lying is wrong. You are hurt.

Do you want to know if your and your db's relationship is ok? what would you like to happen after any discussion?

again, you can't control how other people behave, only your reaction to it.

RussellCroweslefteyebrow · 27/02/2021 08:48

I remember having 'friendships' pushed upon me when I was younger.

I was so eager for these friendships to work to make my mother happy that it stunted and affected my ability to make real friendships as I got older.

Sakesman · 27/02/2021 08:49

I bet it’s about awkward dynamics of your dd not knowing the friends. They still want to see your dd. We had that as the children grew. In relation to the adult relationships. Keep taking a wee step back and letting them make the effort more. It’ll find a balance.