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Original poster

So hurt for my daughter - do I say something?

288 replies

SquarePeggyLeggy · 27/02/2021 06:27

I am really upset and want to check it’s reasonable to say anything and if so what and when.
I don’t think my sister in law likes us all that much, but it’s always civil and not unpleasant, she just doesn’t pursue any relationship with me or closeness for the cousins really, but does always take me up on invitations. I feel kept at arms length by my brother too, but again, always comes anywhere they’re invited and stays in touch at least once a week. I tried to push a closer relationship, but it’s clear they don’t want that, so for the last several years, I just backed right off and am here if they need, rather than trying to be friends per se. The exception to this has always been my daughter and niece, they are 6 months apart. They are close and get on well, and we have my niece for sleepovers etc sometimes, they’ve got their own relationship going. We are always invited to their parties etc.
They are 8.
This year my brother told me his daughter didn’t want a party. She was going to catch up with “a couple of friends” one day, us the next, and then the grandparents the following weekend. I said: “we can drop daughter off to one of those other things, we don’t all have to come”. He insisted that she’d asked to spend the day just with us, and “didn’t want a party”. It all felt weird, and like we were being ring fenced, I don’t know but convinced myself I was paranoid.
Cue today: SIL posts a bunch of pictures on Instagram, they’ve had a full on, pony ride party with a bunch of kids, has to be 30. Its a mix of their friends kids and school friends so it’s not just a school party, and anyway, they said there was no party?
It’s allowed here, btw.
We are supposed to have our catch up tomorrow and I just feel sick to my stomach. I felt they were leaving us out and this was our consolation to make us feel better, and I was right! For some reason they need to segregate us away from their friends and family. I have no idea what’s happened, and my daughter is 8! The girls haven’t had words, nothing like that, I’m so confused!
Do I say something? I just feel crushed for my daughter who thinks they’re besties. I don’t know how to act tomorrow! I want to cancel, but it’s not my niece’s fault! What do I do?

OP posts:
CaptSkippy · 27/02/2021 08:49

I say just go LC with them. Don't initiate any contact with them and keep them at arms length as well. I don't think you're paranoid. Your instincts were spot on in this situation.

However, you can't force a bond when they don't want one. I'd say stop investing in this and focus on other people in your life. Don't tell your daughter either. Like you said, she is 8 and will make her own friends. If she ever asks you can tell her, but otherwise I wouldn't mention it.

ilovebagpuss · 27/02/2021 08:50

I don’t think you are being pushy or clingy I think it’s odd they had a big family and friends party and didn’t invite one group (your family).
Of course things change as cousins get older I would definitely say if your niece had wanted your daughter at the big party I’m sure she would have said.
We have also mixed school friends and family friends and cousins it was never a problem until they got into the older years so I hardly think that’s an excuse. Big swimming party or disco party everyone comes/ teen takes 3 close friends to cinema then that’s different.
I honestly would text my brother and just say that you feel hurt for your daughter that the big pony party will obviously get mentioned and could he have told you why she wasn’t invited.
Like you said and people are ignoring it’s not necessarily your DD not going to the party it’s the lying. Also is your brother such a wet blanket he would see this big family party and none of his family!
Often this happens I suppose it’s like with some DIL-MIL relationships the brothers family get angled out as it’s the SIL who controls social events.
I would step back and focus on creating your DD her own lovely friend group and just not get too involved. Invite one of her school friends for a sleepover soon.
I don’t know what I would say about the party if she feels close to your niece it’s quite a hard one maybe just say she wanted to see her school friends separately.

recluse · 27/02/2021 08:51

Why did they post photos on Instagram after they had lied? Are they a bit hard of thinking?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
PlanDeRaccordement · 27/02/2021 08:52

I think it is strange that you are blurring the lines between family and friends. The amount of contact- once per week is very high contact so I dont understand why you are calling that “arms length” and complaining you want a “closer relationship”.

Most people draw distinct lines between family and friends. When they said their DD didn’t want a party with her cousin, they probably meant they did not want a family party. They wanted a birthday party with friends. That’s not unusual and not an insult to you or your niece.

Your daughter also would not be invitited to a birthday party with friends because your niece and her friends would all know each other and have their own dynamic and inside jokes. Your DD would have felt like a third wheel and left out, marginalised if she had been invited and gone.

You need to stop pushing this idea that family should be best friends. The types of relationships are completely different.

recluse · 27/02/2021 08:52

That’s what would annoy me - the lie, followed by the display of photos for all to see.

Sally872 · 27/02/2021 08:53

They have finally invited you all to something and instead of being glad of the opportunity to become closer your bothered it wasn't the right invite.

Your brother played down the party to avoid hurting your feelings, or because he is a poor communicator. He told you there was a friend celebration just not the scale of it.

Enjoy your catch up and let the rest go.

KingAlex · 27/02/2021 08:53

My 8yo DD also has a cousin the same age.

She would happily invite her to everything, but it can get a bit awkward sometimes because we can't just invite her. We would also have to invite older/ younger cousins, aunties/ uncles, 2nd cousins of a similar age...the list becomes endless.

Kids' parties can be a nightmare of family politics.

NerrSnerr · 27/02/2021 08:56

They lied because they knew you'd insist she came if invited. You'd already offered to drop your daughter off when she wasn't invited.

Original poster
SquarePeggyLeggy · 27/02/2021 08:56

@Stovetopespresso

The DB/SIL behaviour is insensitive, the lying is wrong. You are hurt.

Do you want to know if your and your db's relationship is ok? what would you like to happen after any discussion?

again, you can't control how other people behave, only your reaction to it.

I would like to make it better... I dont want to be lied to. I feel managed like a crazy person, when in reality, I keep my feelings to myself and just try to offer support. I've never expressed anger or upset to them, I just backed away. I dont know why it's like this, and the lying is just so upsetting. When else have they lied to protect my feelings? They dont need to do that because I dont ever say anything when im hurt anyway!
OP posts:
tara66 · 27/02/2021 08:57

I fully understand why you are upset.
Children often go to parties where they do not know anyone else.
Your daughter would probably have enjoyed the pony rides even if no one was friendly towards he (but why wouldn't they be?).
Tell your DB you saw the pictures of the party on social media so why did he say there was no party and why was DD not invited?
I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask.

Howshouldibehave · 27/02/2021 08:57

@NerrSnerr

They lied because they knew you'd insist she came if invited. You'd already offered to drop your daughter off when she wasn't invited.
This.
NerrSnerr · 27/02/2021 09:05

Not everyone has to invite everyone they know and are friendly with to every party. Maybe your niece didn't want to invite her. Maybe they didn't want family this time.

That is ok. It is their party. It's obvious they lied because they knew you'd insist if you knew about it.

Teentitansonloop · 27/02/2021 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeatherShimmerIsMyShade · 27/02/2021 09:06

We stopped inviting a cousin to DD's birthday parties at that age, because they didn't know anyone other than DD and my DD would then feel obligated to stay with them and not be able to relax and enjoy herself. Could it be that? If your DD had gone, would she have known anyone else? As a PP has said, they've actually invited your family round separately, dedicating a whole day to seeing your family - not the actions of people who don't like you.

headhurtstoomuch · 27/02/2021 09:08

I can understand why you are upset OP about being lied to etc.

Were all you SIL family there? Nieces and nephews of a similar age?

GetOffYourHighHorse · 27/02/2021 09:08

Fgs all they had to say was 'We're taking a few friends out but places are limited so we'll see you on another day'.

Whatever the ins and outs you don't say you aren't having a party then have one and post about it on sm 🙄.

I would make them squirm and just ask innocently how the party/nonparty went at your alloted birthday slot.

Teentitansonloop · 27/02/2021 09:10

Also, if you raise it they might gaslight you, diminish your feelings etc. It doesn't sound like they are good communicators or interested in you, they probably live in their own little narcissistic bubble. Which again is my experience.

aSofaNearYou · 27/02/2021 09:10

Well I never understand why people try to get away with pretending they aren't doing something, and then post loads of pictures of it online. It seems very obviously more likely to lead to a fall out than just telling the truth, or nor mentioning the thing.

That said, I do think YABU, overall. You sound incredibly invested and quite likely overbearing about your relationship. I would take this as in indication that that is how they feel and that this is something that has been discussed between them, potentially for a while. I would talk to your brother, ask him if you have been too full on. Don't accuse them of excluding you etc, that sort of thing is probably exactly why they wanted to keep you at arms length.

FatCatThinCat · 27/02/2021 09:10

People can excuse it many ways but I still think it's mean and I wouldn't be playing along with it. I'd cancel your second tier invite, 'We won't be coming today as I expect you need time to clear up from the party DD wasn't invited to' and then don't bother with them anymore.

NerrSnerr · 27/02/2021 09:11

@GetOffYourHighHorse They'd tried that and said they're just having a few friends round and the OP asked if she could drop her daughter off.

JingsMahBucket · 27/02/2021 09:13

@headhurtstoomuch

I can understand why you are upset OP about being lied to etc.

Were all you SIL family there? Nieces and nephews of a similar age?

This thread is weird. Why are people ignoring the fact that the SIL’s family was there but OP’s wasn’t included at all? They were deliberately lied to in order to keep them away and exclude one child. @SquarePeggyLeggy I would definitely confront them.
InterfectoremVulpes · 27/02/2021 09:15

@recluse

Why did they post photos on Instagram after they had lied? Are they a bit hard of thinking?
The SiL posted the photos. Perhaps she was unaware the her husband had "lied".
ScoobyBlues · 27/02/2021 09:16

When my dd went into year three that was when she started making friends with dc whose parents I wasn’t friends with and becoming much more independent.

My two dds are very close to their cousins who are my sisters dc. We see each other often. But since eight or nine they don’t go to each other’s school friends parties. We have a separate family dinner for every birthday.

Chunkymenrock · 27/02/2021 09:17

Really OP, I would just go with the flow. It's absolutely not worth any of this scrutiny. Your daughter and their daughter have their own friends which is normal and fine. It's also nice that they enjoy cousin time together. I would stop thinking and worrying, it's pointless.

Ragwort · 27/02/2021 09:18

I think your DB was probably very embarrassed and lied to avoid hurting your feelings, it sounds like it is your SIL who doesn't want to pursue an over familiar relationship with your family, although remains polite and civil, and your DB is stuck in the middle. The fact is that they accept invitations when you invite them to your celebrations but don't initiate invitations themselves. He is clearly making an effort by texting you once a week.

What's the point of asking him? It will embarrass him ... is he really going to say 'my wife doesn't much like any of you and didn't want to invite your DD'.

We've had a similar situation in our family, I find it a little baffling but I am not going to beg for any 'reasons', I just keep my dignity and focus on family and friends that seem to enjoy my company.