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Original poster

AIBU Mother in Law gave baby phone

275 replies

Rooandrose · 25/02/2021 22:00

Hey everyone,
Background - Our 11 month old baby visits my mother and father in law at their house twice a week so that my husband and I can have time off from childcare to work.
since he’s been born I’ve told all the family that a goal of mine is to keep him away from screens for as long as possible, so I never watch YouTube or any apps with him. We use the phone to listen to music on Spotify. But It’s 2021 , and I know he will eventually be using screens, but as he’s still a baby this is a really important for me to maintain this time before he starts to get interested in screens.
I also think it’s a slippery slope once you do introduce phones and tablets, they are designed to get babies hooked.

Today I casually asked how he was doing during his visit to their house and my mother in law replied saying me he was having his lunch and ‘watching his Shows’
I asked what she meant by shows, and she explained he watches a few cartoons. I explained that I was really surprised because we had told them I didn’t want him to watch screens, to which she said it was ‘only 20 mins of cartoons each visit.’
I feel really hurt and actually quite angry about this. I feel as the parents we should be the ones to introduce screens , or at least asked first if we are ok with them showing him screens.
My husband acts like everything is no big deal so has tried to stay out of it, which is also quite annoying.
I know times are different now, it’s the digital age, but I’m trying to keep my son protected from screens for as long as possible.
Also for context - after I asked my mother in law not to use her phone during my wedding .a she FaceTimed her sisters, during mine and my husbands wedding ceremony... so she has been known to ignore requests this before. AIBU ?

OP posts:
katy1213 · 25/02/2021 22:52

You need to pay for better childcare.
But Face-timing during a wedding? How rude can you get?

MrBullinaChinaShop · 25/02/2021 22:52

My poor just turned 2 year old is sat in front of screens far too often because I’m trying to work full time as well as homeschooling two primary aged children.
Be thankful you’ve got people to look after him and care for him, even if they do let him watch a tv programme for 20 mins a day.

Quillark · 25/02/2021 22:52

Can I ask what you plan on doing if you have a baby no.2 ? Because that kid will have screens from day one, even inadvertently over your shoulder.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
freddiethegreat · 25/02/2021 22:54

@Rooandrose obviously not a popular view here. But I am with you. PFB (or PFA - adopted - in my case, but my son barely went on a screen for five years. We didn’t even have a tv until the summer of the London Olympics where even I admitted it would be cruel not to give a sports mad 9 year old access to screens. And I made my family enforce it too. So you seem reasonable to me. 😉

However - my son is now on the cusp of 18 & is barely off a screen. Certainly no less on screens than any of his peers & it’s clearly his choice now & has been for years. I think I may have been a little bit batsh*t crazy over it. But in your case - 1) your ILs don’t get to say so unless your husband/partner has told his parents something else , you get the say - & then you & DH/DP need to reach agreement not just go over your head & 2) for under 2s the research entirely says you are right.

RileyG73 · 25/02/2021 22:54

My toddler is a fuckin genius child, no joke! He watches shed loads of tv/YouTube. Working, tired parents. Not even sorry 😂

Its about balance. Plenty of playtime, outdoor time etc.

If your line has been crossed then don't send him if you're adamant that's how you want to raise him

Xmasbaby11 · 25/02/2021 22:55

I would be annoyed too as 11 months is v young for screens and it's completely reasonable to avoid them and expect your in laws to.

I think unfortunately, this comes with allowing family to do childcare. It sounds like they will not respect all your rules. It's up to you if this is a big enough deal to change the situation. You need to agree with your DH as much as possible otherwise it's going to be really hard to talk to your in laws about it.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 25/02/2021 22:55

Hilarious that you didn't get the response you wanted so will delete the thread 🤣🤣🤣

When my dd was being cared for by grandparents there was definitely the odd thing they did that I didn't really approve of ie too much telly/sweets. But I would never have said anything as at the end of the day my dd was happy being cared for by people that loved her and I was grateful for that.

Original poster
Rooandrose · 25/02/2021 22:56

True but why didn’t my MIL say, I know you don’t like screens but we would like to use them so we can have a short break . How could I say no to that?! It’s the fact they just did it anyway when I’m always really careful not to have screens around him and they know that’s my only ‘rule’

OP posts:
Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 25/02/2021 22:56

You are being so ridiculously over the top, of course your partner is a bit Hmm. Hardly crime of the century and has literally zero impact on the child. The child is fine, no big deal

MrBullinaChinaShop · 25/02/2021 22:57

But I am with you. PFB (or PFA - adopted - in my case, but my son barely went on a screen for five years

Bit harder when you’re parenting in a pandemic, while working full time from home, homeschooling 2 children and nursery is shut. Mine didn’t have screens until then either.

PurpleDaisies · 25/02/2021 22:57

What’s your partner’s opinion on the screen ban?

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 25/02/2021 22:57

@Rooandrose

True but why didn’t my MIL say, I know you don’t like screens but we would like to use them so we can have a short break . How could I say no to that?! It’s the fact they just did it anyway when I’m always really careful not to have screens around him and they know that’s my only ‘rule’
to be honest I think when people see someone being very precious about something, they end up rolling their eyes and just getting on with things
ToddlerIs2 · 25/02/2021 23:00

@Rooandrose

True but why didn’t my MIL say, I know you don’t like screens but we would like to use them so we can have a short break . How could I say no to that?! It’s the fact they just did it anyway when I’m always really careful not to have screens around him and they know that’s my only ‘rule’
You had a rule, they broke it. Hire a Nanny and tell them they can't see him unsupervised again. Sorted.
Wondermule · 25/02/2021 23:01

She probably assumed by ‘no screens’ you meant ‘don’t sit him on the iPad for 3 hours’.

Not ‘don’t let him see a screen ever, I want the lot gone and out of sight, even digital thermometers’.

Honestly 20 minutes of cartoons won’t make him a daytime tv addict! Smile

Original poster
Rooandrose · 25/02/2021 23:01

That to me is just not being honest and straightforward so that’s not my people!
Not wanting a baby on a phone isn’t exactly being precious, it’s a personal choice I’ve made ba

OP posts:
lborgia · 25/02/2021 23:02

I think you can't see the woods for the trees.

This isn't about 40 minutes of TV.

This is about boundaries around who is the parent. And it's you and your husband.

If your husband is used to having his parents take over his life, and keeping quiet for an easy life, then you've a long road ahead.

Even worse if he honestly can't see that they rail road and act as if they should be an integral part of decision making in your family.

You need to have your wits about you, don't just agree to everything until one thing freaks you out.

Sounds to me as if this has been going on a while.

No reason to stop "letting" them do childcare, but if they have your baby 2 days a week, then be aware that this is only the first of many areas where you will have to decide where you draw the line.

Original poster
Rooandrose · 25/02/2021 23:02

I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or not ;)

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 25/02/2021 23:02

My dd was small when the only problem was tv and she was 8 before we got one of our own, but I never told anyone else that she couldn't watch it at their house, that is unrealistic.

Original poster
Rooandrose · 25/02/2021 23:05

Yes I think you’re right - this is about a larger issue of boundaries and their overall involvement in his And our life. I’m grateful for their help and support though and I realise how few parents get this much support during this time. But it does come at a ‘cost’ ... it’s not easy having another set of parents so involved and opinionated

OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 25/02/2021 23:05

What I learned over the years, from having my pfb to four of them now, oldest aged 11, is to pick your battles. I actually trained myself not to be concerned with what the in laws did when they had my kids (within reason! They are doting grandparents so anything they did would have been out of love for them) I just let them have that special time together. Would give absolutely anything for them to be able to do that at the moment! Hopefully not too much longer.

VinylDetective · 25/02/2021 23:06

@Rooandrose

True but why didn’t my MIL say, I know you don’t like screens but we would like to use them so we can have a short break . How could I say no to that?! It’s the fact they just did it anyway when I’m always really careful not to have screens around him and they know that’s my only ‘rule’
Yes, why didn’t she? Read your posts, you’ve already answered that question for yourself.
Tubs11 · 25/02/2021 23:08

Do you facetime your side of the family with your 11 month old? If so, maybe your MIL knew that and thought screen time was a goer? Our kids don't have a lot of screen time but it's been a part of their life since they were born due to family living internationally and it's not a major issue in this household anyway. They engage and move onto books, toys etc when it's turned off.

Original poster
Rooandrose · 25/02/2021 23:10

She FaceTimed her sisters during our wedding because she wanted them to see the ceremony and they couldn’t attend. I was 7 months pregnant at the time and I had asked her that the only rule for the ceremony was no phones (not just my rule, the churches rule!)
Next thing I know she’s there FaceTiming during our vows and I only found out bc it’s caught on the wedding photographers album. 😂

OP posts:
Pinotwoman82 · 25/02/2021 23:10

Dear lord Grin I was the same thinking it would lead to bad habits. 3 children later and we have to bribe them out of their rooms, they are 13,10 &8 though

Nanny0gg · 25/02/2021 23:12

@Rooandrose

That’s a very good point. It’s hard for me that my parents haven’t seen my son in 6 Months and the only ‘rule’ I’ve put in place with my MIL and FIL relates to screens, which has been ignored. I can tell from this thread a lot of people think I’m being ridiculous so I’m going to delete it !
What is your actual objection to screens?

Do you have a TV at home?