Refusing home learning = school welfare

[Myworldyourworld]

My son is coming up 14 all through lock down he has refused to do any home learning. I contacted the school and told them it was hard for him to follow the time table. As I have a child with special needs who does not sleep well. So it means we sometimes sleep later in the mornings. They said it could be more flexible as long as its done. Son still did not do it.

They did say its possible he could go into school under being vulnerable due to his sibling having special needs and it being difficult... but nothing became of this.

My son was also questioned how it would be better for him and he said if he had all his work on paper.. so they did that for him still nothing from him.

I contacted the school on a few occasions for help. As I did not know what to do. They have tried to support. But I guess there's only so much they can do.

He also got emails from the school. Some were positive encouragement. Others were more firm and spoke about how let down they felt and how hard they have tried. He also had a phone call from head of year.

Head of year called Me several days back and told me school welfare are going to pay us a visit. She said it was not a reflection on me. But to try and push my son into doing something. I told him what was happening and he still did nothing.

So tonight welfare officer knocks on the door. They have said I could get fined because hes not been doing work. And have given him till Friday to get a decent amount of work done. They are coming back on Friday. If there's no improvement they may refere to social services.

He is excellent in school his attendance is good. He's top set for everything.

At the moment he's not allowed his playstation. I can't turn of Internet as his older brother is doing A levels so he needs it.

I honestly wonder what is going on in other schools. I work p/t and the days I am working I am phoning students, doing 1:1 tutorials, live lessons, responding to e-mails, responding and giving feedback to work... other than physically going to their house and sitting with them I don’t know what else I can do!
Actually, I HaVE been to some houses. Dropping off resources.
I call that SUPPORT.

@BettysButtons - that all sounds brilliant. Not happening for lots of kids

Some real idiots on here. If the pandemic had happened when my brother and I were teens I know exactly what would have happened: I would've done my school work without fuss. My brother would have started with the bare minimum and then refused altogether, and how on earth could our mother have forced him? Both parented the same, but different personalities.

OP this is not your fault.

@BettysButtons

Sounds like he has been supported and has just opted out.

Which anyone with half a brain would realise means the support on offer so far has not been appropriate and the school, family and welfare services need to work together to understand why and find support that does work.

I've been on both sides of this, as a social worker and as a parent of a child who will not/ can not engage with the system for various reasons. There is little I find as irritating as smug, trite, ill informed soundbites of this kind. Far too many education professionals take the view that if their offer hasn't worked, the child and family must be at fault and have an inability to recognise that the offer isn't the right one. The schools and agencies I have found most helpful are those that recognise that some children (and indeed some adults) do not find measures designed to be supportive to be so, and do not assume that when these measures do not result in a positive outcome it can only be due to lack of effort on the part of the child and their families. Those taking the "failure is all down to excuses, the support is there, it cannot be our fault as we have tried so it must be that you are not trying" line are so exhausting to deal with, not least because so much of their energy goes into apportioning blame rather than actually trying to work out what the issues are and what would work.

[quote Ihatemyseleffordoingthis]@BettysButtons - that all sounds brilliant. Not happening for lots of kids[/quote]
Obviously.

Take it up with the school because what I describe should be happening.

OP has not said that this is the issue here though. She says that despite support, her DS is not engaging.

OP just to post that you are not alone...My 15 year old son is also struggling to engage...his school have rung up, offered him a place etc but he refuses to go in. He is very unmotivated and doesn't see the point...and I cannot physically force him. I also teach 16-19 year olds remotely and about half are really struggling with mental health and motivation at the moment....they all need the routine of school/college. not long now till 8th March!

Get him back into school as they have offered and then the onus is on them to ensure he is engaging.

I am not sure why he needs to sleep in though when home learning but doesn't need to when he goes to school. Surely he gets up then.

Anyway, that is by the by, they have previously offered a place so I suggest you call and accept it.

See my list above for reasons why a young person might be demotivated living through a global scale health and economic crisis of the like none of us has seen before under incompetent capitalist leadership. Or just lazy and doesn't see the point.

OP there is very little you can do at 14. Lol at those saying step up and parent.

Being blunt, it may be that you've parented thoughtlessly, been lax, let him get away with muder, excused him from pulling his weight when he was younger and now you're reaping what you sowed with a lazy, entitled teen who doesn't value school and knows that there is really no actual way you can force him to learn.

However it may also be that you've been a diligent, caring, involved parent who's given their child every guidance and been there for them, set a good example and tolerated no shit and yet here you are, because your child is just that kind of person. Personality comes into it big time, as do developmental stages. I have a friend in this position - she is currently coping with an absolutely foul son of 15 and there is not one single part of it you can put at her door: she's loving, disciplined with them, funny, always had a brilliant relationship with her kids, supportive, you name it and yet from 12 onwards he just started turning into the kind of boy/man you'd run a mile from. I hope to god he grows out of it.

But the point is that now at 14 you have limited options. You can't physically force him.

Would a fine be manageable for you? If so - I would pay it and tell him that's his driving lessons at 17 gone down the pan. Or similar. Or I'd tell him today that if the fine comes though, the first thing to be sold to pay for it is the Playstation. And do it.

You can be this tough - and when you get the blow back from that you shrug and say, well what are you going to do? I can't force you to do schoolwork. You can't force me to not sell your playstation, or anything else you'd like me to do/.not do. It's called mutual respect, if you've taken that off the table then I guess we're in for a miserable time until you leave. Be tough.

But also get onto the school. Tell them they can fine away, you've done all you can - you NEED them to step up and get him back physically in the classroom or he is going to be lost to the system.

I’d let school do whatever they need to do to give him a wake up call OP - if that involves social services - so be it . No judgement from me - one of mine is back in school due to similar issues.

Admit defeat and tell the school you want a place. You're not his teacher, you're his parent.

@FredaFlintstone, do you actually realise your situation and OP's might be totally different? You could spend every second of your spare time you had on your ds, but maybe not possible for OP with other child with complex needs.
I have a 13 years old too. They are difficult. But every child is difficult in different way, in different circumstances.

@mam0918

I can read, yes- it's easier when the person reading can spell and punctuate, but even your contributions are decodable with a little effort, so please don't worry about that :)

You assert that OP is not parenting, you refer to someone sleeping later due to sleep disruption caused by parenting a child with additional needs 'fancying a lie in', you think that a parent contacting school to request support with a non engaging child is expecting them to do her job, you feel that OP giving the context of a child with additional needs meaning the family has extra demands on them is using said child as an excuse... I'm sorry, I cannot take this seriously.

I've not read all of the replies OP so sorry if I'm repeating anything.
I've had the same issues with my 13 year old, he just refuses to complete anything, I've spoken to school, removed devices, tried reward systems but he doesn't want to do anything, as if the online work doesn't apply to him, it's almost to the Point of complete demand avoidance which is completely out of character for him, he's usually quite conscientious.
We tried to get him a space at school to no avail, school have now allowed him to complete core subjects only just to try and increase his motivation to actually do the work.
This has really helped and it turned out that he just felt completely overwhelmed with the amount he had to do so didn't know where to start. Try and chat with school again and maybe put him on the phone to them to take ownership of the problem too.
Good luck, and may all those who responded in such an awful manner with no advice or support to offer continue to have such a blessed life!

OP to me it sounds as though his mental health is suffering. Have you asked him why he is struggling to do the work? What has he said the reason is for it?

Is he getting out of the house and engaging with any interests?

His mental health is more important than school work, if this is a change for him then you need to work out what is going out.

Punishment doesn't normally work and if his mental health is fragile it may make him worse.

I say this with some knowledge as my eldest is also 14 , he is bright but has ASD and anxiety and depression, there are times he struggles to do anything. It's frustrating but it's not deliberate.

OP have you spoken to head this morning? I’d push for him to get a school place now just in case there is another lockdown.

@RedToothBrush

So your son keeps making excuses for why he can't do something...

And you are making excuses here for why you can't do something...

... Hmm. I wonder if there might be a connection? Hmm.

@FredaFlintstone your methods sound great if you have a compliant child who will do what he is told, and if your sanctions mean anything to him personally. It's not like that for all of us. As I said in my earlier post, DD will lie in bed all day, in the dark, doing absolutley nothing. No books, no devices. Just nothing. So what can I take away as a 'punishment' for not doing her school work? What can I 'threaten' her with? What 'treats' can I bribe her with when the only things she wants to do are prevented by lockdown? And when she decides to actually do something that isn't 'nothing', like draw a picture, how can I then ask her to stop and do work instead? If I do she will then go back to absolutely nothing. If I ask her to do something like log on for a lesson, she says, 'yes I will' and then ignores. If I ask again, she will get angry that I am harassing her, shouting at me to 'go away' (like she just did, in fact). She is bigger than me, and stronger. She has hit me before. It hurt. She has thrown a knife at me. She has destroyed her room in meltdowns, hammering large objects into the wall (eg a ladder), shattering about 2m squared area of plasterboard. But at the end of the day, she is a child with ASD, depression, anxiety and self esteem that is so low it is 'off the scale'. She has gone through stages of self harming. There is little help. She has been under CAMHS on and off but what they offered didn't help her at all. She is getting support from school, but generally rejects this because she 'doesn't need it'. She is a master at telling the professionals what they want to hear, then leaving the meeting and refusing to comply with any of it. So parents like me come here for advice and support because there is precious little anywhere else that actually works. And we hang around threads like this in the hope that some other parent whose DC have similar difficulties can suggest something that works for them, and which I can then try myself. And we try not to get too upset by all the comments from those who simply don't understand what it's like trying to parent a teenager for who standard parenting techniques simply don't work.

I would particularly love to hear - and this is genuine - how do you 'enforce' a bedtime to try ensure that a child gets enough sleep? After I have gone to bed, I have no idea what my children (all teens), are doing because I am asleep. So if they are shattered next morning, how do I know if they were really trying to sleep, or if they decided to get up again/stay up all night doing something or other? Particularly if they don't leave their rooms.

For me, I am just hanging on till 8 March, hoping I can get her back into school, which she attends about 45% of the time, and where she is impecably behaved. My sympathies to OP and all the other parents who have posted here who are struggling with lockdown education.

Don’t know if it’s possible but can you restrict internet access on his computer only to the school website? Ie block Facebook, Instagram, google etc?

you can stop his internet access just block his devices or change the password and only provide to older child

I really feel for you
My son 16 has lost all motivation to do any work these past few weeks... I just cried this morning as I know just how much this is going to effect him later on.

It's such a tough situation.
I think it's dreadful that the school contacted ss and are threatening you with that! I'd just ask to send him back ASAP...

@SakuraEdenSwan1

Well he would be at school if the teachers did their job properly. Tell them you are sending him back to school and they can do the job they get paid for, and as for the education officer tell them to get every kid back at the same time. I have lost any respect I have for teachers, my sons school have done no marking or online lessons in a year.

What crap! Maybe if parents did their job properly, the one they signed up for when they decided to have children, things would be better It may have escaped your tiny mind but there is a global pandemic which will provide an excuse for the rest of time for lazy parents and children.

"you can stop his internet access just block his devices or change the password and only provide to older child"

Great idea! Cut off lonely bored possibly depressed miserable child's only connection with others. This is what I mean about compassionless.

He’s playing you. He’s pushing the boundaries. If you don’t do anything about it now it’ll get so much worse.
You say he was offered a place in school but nothing came if this. You should be contacting the school. Your son needs help. Help him by being his parent. It won’t be easy but the benefits will be amazing. Be strong, be confident, don’t take his moaning or bad behaviour as a reason not to be his parent