Refusing home learning = school welfare

[Myworldyourworld]

My son is coming up 14 all through lock down he has refused to do any home learning. I contacted the school and told them it was hard for him to follow the time table. As I have a child with special needs who does not sleep well. So it means we sometimes sleep later in the mornings. They said it could be more flexible as long as its done. Son still did not do it.

They did say its possible he could go into school under being vulnerable due to his sibling having special needs and it being difficult... but nothing became of this.

My son was also questioned how it would be better for him and he said if he had all his work on paper.. so they did that for him still nothing from him.

I contacted the school on a few occasions for help. As I did not know what to do. They have tried to support. But I guess there's only so much they can do.

He also got emails from the school. Some were positive encouragement. Others were more firm and spoke about how let down they felt and how hard they have tried. He also had a phone call from head of year.

Head of year called Me several days back and told me school welfare are going to pay us a visit. She said it was not a reflection on me. But to try and push my son into doing something. I told him what was happening and he still did nothing.

So tonight welfare officer knocks on the door. They have said I could get fined because hes not been doing work. And have given him till Friday to get a decent amount of work done. They are coming back on Friday. If there's no improvement they may refere to social services.

He is excellent in school his attendance is good. He's top set for everything.

At the moment he's not allowed his playstation. I can't turn of Internet as his older brother is doing A levels so he needs it.

@RedToothBrush

What happens on the 1st day back of school when the other child still isn't sleeping and the OP doesn't go to bed until 6am?

Does she and the 14 year old still sleep in?

This is the relevant question which everything else hinges on.

This happens also. A small number of children regularly turn up at break or after P1 (secondary) because they ‘slept in’. It’s not unheard of at all!

I can’t speak for the OP though.

Op I'm glad you have got him doing something. Fingers crossed the schools don't close again but you are right to ask if he'd be considered vulnerable.

Teaching a class full of 30 plus children is fucking easy compared to getting one autistic child to learn at home. (Yes I taught for over a decade until I had disabled children to care for)

I had to use all my ingenuity from back in the day when we wrote our own stuff to sneak learning into the child. Thankfully no more as school are responsible for getting them to engage due to a sen place. They are a non sleeper too so parenting two disabled kids on two or three hours sleep less than needed every bloody night is bloody exhausting. That is with them in school. By the end of a school closure/ isolation we were awake until 4.30 am despite going to bed at the same time every night, implementing a relaxation routine etc.

This happens also. A small number of children regularly turn up at break or after P1 (secondary) because they ‘slept in’. It’s not unheard of at all!

And what action is taken by the school if this happens regularly?

Its not ignored.

@RedToothBrush

What happens on the 1st day back of school when the other child still isn't sleeping and the OP doesn't go to bed until 6am?

Does she and the 14 year old still sleep in?

This is the relevant question which everything else hinges on.

6am is a bad night. It could be 2/3/4 am but yes either way he would still go to school. It will be very hard that first day but we will get there.

It strikes me though that you are avoiding that and maintaining a normal routine though. Which makes a rod for everything else...

@RedToothBrush - you're quite the expert, aren't you Red? Do you have much experience of parenting 2 teens - one with SN - during a pandemic and whilst you're sleep deprived?

@RedToothBrush

It strikes me though that you are avoiding that and maintaining a normal routine though. Which makes a rod for everything else...

Not at all. I have a child with special needs. This means that things are not straight forward. Simlar happens in the school holidays. But once back at school we have that bad day then it gets better compared to now. Ds also has good school attendance .

@RedToothBrush

It strikes me though that you are avoiding that and maintaining a normal routine though. Which makes a rod for everything else...

Well said @FredSoftly

@RedToothBrush It strikes me that your goady posts on this thread are really unhelpful. Please stop being such a smug know it all when you clearly know nothing about the OP's specific circumstances

She posted here for support. Telling her that her parenting is rubbish doesn't help.

@RedToothBrush

This happens also. A small number of children regularly turn up at break or after P1 (secondary) because they ‘slept in’. It’s not unheard of at all!

And what action is taken by the school if this happens regularly?

Its not ignored.

No! It’s not ignored! It’s seen as totally unacceptable!

early on in the thread someone recommended NotFineInSchool a charity which has a website and a large supportive facebook group. Children not engaging in school was an epidemic before COVID19 and many more children cannot cope with online learning or learning alone. If that comes as a surprise to any parent on this thread then they need to do grown up stuff like read the news so that their opinions can be actually informed or have a look at NotFineInSchool themselves so they are well armed when dishing out the contempt advice: notfineinschool.co.uk/home

The OP told me everything I needed to know about the school when she said some emails spoke about how let down they felt and how hard they have tried WTAF? How have they tried hard?!

My DD has diagnosed MH issues and sees a psychiatric team at hospital but initially she was just reluctant to go to school when she was 14. I am not suggesting for a minute that will be your son's future OP but you might want to know where you can turn to. I've had limited help from Early Help, some good support from our local SENDIASS but it all varies area to area. Websites like NotFineinSchool and IPSEA have the information you need. I'm thinking though the number of times this sort of thing comes up maybe MN could have a "pin" somewhere to list these charities and services so that any parent struggling with a child's education can see the range of help on offer. Or you know maybe the "welfare officer" (now there's an oxymoron) could have told you?

[quote FredSoftly]@RedToothBrush - you're quite the expert, aren't you Red? Do you have much experience of parenting 2 teens - one with SN - during a pandemic and whilst you're sleep deprived?[/quote]
I know what its like to be sleep deprieved believe me.

I also know that the only way you can deal with issues with sleep patterns is to stick religiously to a routine. Especially during school term otherwise you end up in a vicious cycle you can't break.

The message you send by staying in bed, is that this is holiday not normal school term from the word go. You then get into bad habits leading on from that message.

If the OP wants to get out of this situation she needs to understand the messages she is inadvertantly sending here.

If everyone gets up at school time for school in term time then that immediately sets a certain tone.

Its not being nasty, or smug or superior to point this out.

Kids with special needs need the routine more than anyone. So if the school aren't setting it, and its up to the parent to do that, then they actually have to do that. Regardless of how they are tired.

Otherwise they just end up making a bad situation worse.

If the OPs son does get a space at school, then the OP presumably would have to get up at normal time which kind of defeats the argument about sleep....

Its all about the attitude that if you are at home this is different and not school. Which isn't necessarily coming from the poor kid.

I know what its like to be sleep deprieved believe me

Me too. But I asked you if you had experience of parenting two teens - one with SN - during a pandemic whilst sleep deprived?

You see, it's really easy to pontificate when it's not your lived experience. I suspect you haven't a clue.

You are right Red

Op - really nice to read that he has engaged today. if he can chip away at work he will be in a much better place for going back to school. I'd still contact his form tutor to see if he/she can do a check in call - i think every bit of external encouragement and connection helps. If he can go for a walk with a friend later all the better. Peer group support is what teenagers thrive on - and what they are lacking. It doesn't sound as if he struggles outside of lockdown.

I suspect many who have posted dont have experience of living with or caring for a child or adult with SN - let alone have had to do it during circumstances which whipped away their support structures for the third time in a year - all the time trying to keep a handle on how other family members are holding up and doing it on little sleep.

Sleep deprivation in the baby years is not the same as dealing with a SN preteen/teen who is too over stimulated/too anxious to rest. You can't rock them/feed them/change their nappy and watch a bit of Netflix. They can be loud, disruptive and if you are not on alert they can put themselves in danger. They can be bigger than you. They might be adapting to hormonal changes.

The support that the SN child receives benefits everyone in the household - it has a ripple effect, it helps keep that child afloat and feeling safe but it also gives the parent headspace and energy to do more than just keep everyone clean and fed. It really isn't as simple as everyone up at 7 (in this case an hour after she'd gone to bed) and all will be well.

And it really is nothing like parents leaving their 6 year old up until 11pm and then moaning about registration.

Your posts are not goady. They touch a nerve for some but what you say is common sense. Routine is everything and even more important when you care for children with SEN.
We don’t know the OP’s situation but generally speaking, without routine, everything goes to pot. For anyone. Myself included.

@RedToothBrush

If the OPs son does get a space at school, then the OP presumably would have to get up at normal time which kind of defeats the argument about sleep....

Its all about the attitude that if you are at home this is different and not school. Which isn't necessarily coming from the poor kid.

Presumably the SN child would also be in school and be more settled in school. If they sleep the rest of the family sleep.

People are being very critical and giving very little support. Just the same as the bully who rocked up at the door issueing threats.

She has a SN child who sounds pretty full on 24/7.
A teen who possibly has MH issues and won't engage
And a teen who is doing A levels - who is probably also quite stressed.

I imagine that she must be on her knees trying to do what she is doing.

Give the woman a break.

Op is it worth trying to get your SN child into school?

Just a thought that it might help.

@Notonthestairs

Op - really nice to read that he has engaged today. if he can chip away at work he will be in a much better place for going back to school. I'd still contact his form tutor to see if he/she can do a check in call - i think every bit of external encouragement and connection helps. If he can go for a walk with a friend later all the better. Peer group support is what teenagers thrive on - and what they are lacking. It doesn't sound as if he struggles outside of lockdown.

I suspect many who have posted dont have experience of living with or caring for a child or adult with SN - let alone have had to do it during circumstances which whipped away their support structures for the third time in a year - all the time trying to keep a handle on how other family members are holding up and doing it on little sleep.

Sleep deprivation in the baby years is not the same as dealing with a SN preteen/teen who is too over stimulated/too anxious to rest. You can't rock them/feed them/change their nappy and watch a bit of Netflix. They can be loud, disruptive and if you are not on alert they can put themselves in danger. They can be bigger than you. They might be adapting to hormonal changes.

The support that the SN child receives benefits everyone in the household - it has a ripple effect, it helps keep that child afloat and feeling safe but it also gives the parent headspace and energy to do more than just keep everyone clean and fed. It really isn't as simple as everyone up at 7 (in this case an hour after she'd gone to bed) and all will be well.

And it really is nothing like parents leaving their 6 year old up until 11pm and then moaning about registration.

thank you so much for this post. I have been finding it hard to explain . But this is it in a nut shell. I'm hoping in the next couple of weeks things will fall into place.

I have been speaking to parents going through the same thing as you today.
I suggested small steps like logging on to registration and one lesson a day and build it up. Ignore what work has already been missed. He can't catch up so draw a line under it.
I am trying to organise some children to come into school a couple of times a week for me to help them with their work.
Please ring the school and explain the change etc. No point in trying to cajole him into working. Hopefully they will listen to you.

@Lockdownbear

Op is it worth trying to get your SN child into school?

Just a thought that it might help.

Hes only just been diagnosed. His teacher was calling me quite a bit and she really tried to help. She asked me if I would like him in school. I said yes. She asked the head and he said no.

@BettysButtons

Your posts are not goady. They touch a nerve for some but what you say is common sense. Routine is everything and even more important when you care for children with SEN. We don’t know the OP’s situation but generally speaking, without routine, everything goes to pot. For anyone. Myself included.

Routines don't make a blind bit of difference to my sen child. We have them to keep us sane.

This appears to come from the 'they're autistic give them a visual timetable school of thought'.

Until you have walked a mile in another person's shoes you haven't a clue.

Unless you have experienced school or in this case 'lockdown learning' refusal you haven't a clue.

This is a mother who is struggling and doing her best, quit the judgement.

If i had a pound for every time I heard that routines and common sense would work for my child who was school refusing from so called professionals, I'd be a very rich woman.

Op, the only decent thing I can say is they'll be back in school soon.

I'm assuming that if just diagnosed its ASD, it might be worth considering getting the 14 yo assessed too.