Refusing home learning = school welfare

[Myworldyourworld]

My son is coming up 14 all through lock down he has refused to do any home learning. I contacted the school and told them it was hard for him to follow the time table. As I have a child with special needs who does not sleep well. So it means we sometimes sleep later in the mornings. They said it could be more flexible as long as its done. Son still did not do it.

They did say its possible he could go into school under being vulnerable due to his sibling having special needs and it being difficult... but nothing became of this.

My son was also questioned how it would be better for him and he said if he had all his work on paper.. so they did that for him still nothing from him.

I contacted the school on a few occasions for help. As I did not know what to do. They have tried to support. But I guess there's only so much they can do.

He also got emails from the school. Some were positive encouragement. Others were more firm and spoke about how let down they felt and how hard they have tried. He also had a phone call from head of year.

Head of year called Me several days back and told me school welfare are going to pay us a visit. She said it was not a reflection on me. But to try and push my son into doing something. I told him what was happening and he still did nothing.

So tonight welfare officer knocks on the door. They have said I could get fined because hes not been doing work. And have given him till Friday to get a decent amount of work done. They are coming back on Friday. If there's no improvement they may refere to social services.

He is excellent in school his attendance is good. He's top set for everything.

At the moment he's not allowed his playstation. I can't turn of Internet as his older brother is doing A levels so he needs it.

And still the perfect parents are posting on here. Perhaps they should go into the teaching profession instead of making the OP feel even worse about her current situation.

It is so easy to parent someone else's child online. I think that unless you have walked in the OP's shoes you have no right to criticise.

Sounds like he has been supported and has just opted out.

The question is why has he opted out despite being given support?

@LaLaLandIsNoFun

OP - people are being insufferable smug twits as usual.

All you can do is keep on at him, keep trying

I agree, who the hell are these perfect people/parents. Shame on you posters - OP is reaching out for advice and help. What do you suggest she do? Physically manhandle him to the desk? Have some common sense. You can’t force anyone to do anything. He should be sent into school ASAP. I agree maybe social services will help, but I would be terrified in her position. The threatening is awful. And you never know outcomes with SS.

the "just make them" lot, really don't understand that it does not always work with some kids. which is why one of mine is in school. They just can not work at home for what ever reason, becaue of their disability.

I remember your other thread OP and the general consensus was that you needed to stop asking him to do things and start telling him, and ultimately he needed to be back in school. You said school said he can go in but nothing was done about it, what was it you were waiting for? If they said he can go in, why isn't he in? You should have said "great he'll be in on the next day".

@BettysButtons

Bungle: I don’t think you are a parent. Children do not act the same with their parents as they do with a teacher, it’s a completely different dynamic. It’s a bit like saying you’d react the same to your boss as to your husband.

You couldn’t be more wrong!
I am a parent and a (4 day a week) teacher!
Persuading, cajoling etc. doesn’t need to be aggressive. You direct your children in countless ways daily! They are given boundaries and rules at home. It’s the same thing!

Completely different dynamic with husbands/wives/other adults. Not comparable.

Do you have a teenager? I’m surprised as a parent that you don’t feel the teacher-student relationship is incredibly different to parent- child. The people comparing younger children to teenagers are going to get a shock, it is far more difficult. I am truly blessed with mine but I can absolutely understand and have compassion for those having difficulty. A stubborn 3 year old has nothing on a stubborn 14 year old, they’ve had 11 more years to perfect their art! As a parent I think you should push for a school place as home obviously just isn’t working

Some disgusting comments on this thread, no doubt posted by parents of compliant angel children. You have my sympathies in your circumstances the school should have taken him in as a vulnerable pupil. My high achieving son in his gcse year has suffered terribly in lockdown and at times simply wasn’t producing any work, his grades are now looking like they may be a lot lower as a result. His mental state is terrible, he’s in counselling. I have punished, encouraged, delivered sanctions, motivated, all with little effect. His school stepped up last term and he’s been going in a few days a week to provide structure and routine and a healthier working environment. I’m sorry your school hasn’t done the same. To all the posters making comments such as “parent your child” you haven’t walked in their shoes and frankly comments such as those are unhelpful and uncalled for.

@BlackeyedSusan

the "just make them" lot, really don't understand that it does not always work with some kids. which is why one of mine is in school. They just can not work at home for what ever reason, becaue of their disability.

The OP’s DS has no SEN or disability. She has said herself, he has no excuse and he is in top sets at school is just not working. As others have said, he is not eligible for a place.

It’s great that your child can go in due to fact that they fit into the criteria. OP is in a different situation.

I struggled to get my 13 yor motivated to do her schoolwork. She struggles to maintain the balance at home and she needs a proper school environment.

But she does it with some nudging and nagging from me. We've had to ignore some subjects, like Art, Music to give her extra time for her important subjects and she's finally getting balance with it.

School are ok with her only focusing on the core subjects and she's produced some good work doing it that way.

There are clearly a lot of people on here that don't have teens.

My 14yo is engaging with online learning and he tells me that on a class of 30, 6 to 8 kids don't turn up.

I would call the school and say they either have him back tomorrow or accept no work until 8th March. You can't make him do the work. Even if his teachers came round to bollock him in person, it's him who has to work. Social Services coming round is no deterrent to him. Invite them in and demonstrate that he has a desk and Internet connection.

Set his phone up so only school apps work. If he does some work then unlock social media or whatever for the day. Sell the PS and if you're fined.

So many people seem to have overlooked the fact that the OP has a child with SN too. It sounds like that is very hard work in itself. People who only have NT cooperative children just can't get their heads round the intensity of SN parenting, it can be relentless. Years of sleep deprivation and worry build up. And it affects siblings too, there is a support group locally for children with a brother or sister with SN. You can't pour from an empty vessel as they say so advice to frame up, deal with things, spend all day threatening/supervising/cajoling the teenager etc are not helpful. There should be a case for him to have a school place and the relevant authorities should be dealing with this with compassion and empathy. Hopefully this lockdown is ending soon and things will get better. Meanwhile OP have a virtual self care hamper

"They haven’t been told that at all. It’s all been about MH and safeguarding this year.
The OP’s DS is in the minority. Most children have been given support AND tried to make it work."

Oh, yes, if you say so.

Going in to school at secondary level means sitting in the classroom doing the same online work with a TA watching. Support means being rung or emailed by the school and asked kindly if there is anything they can do, which they can't, or in the case of my DS getting a tirade of negative commentary from one subject teacher, whose frustrations I understand but who is clearly more concerned with her outcomes than her pupils wellbeing.

And oh but "most have tried to make it work", have they? not sure that bears out except on here. And if "most" have, the ones that have struggled are failures are they?

Your own individual efforts might have been "all about MH and safeguarding" this year but I can tell you as a parent with children at 3 separate schools that is not consistently the case, and government's policy has been get on with it, its FINE, when it is absolutely not!

Also, I think that the magic answer for some is ‘send him to school’... I am with KW and vulnerable children part of the week in school and if anyone thinks that they all sit nicely and work independently there, you are mistaken. Even with guidance some ‘can’t be bothered’ and stare at the ceiling JUST like when schools is running normally.
As I said, you can lead a horse to water...

Schools ARE not is!

@14down wtf is the matter with you? All must be perfect in your perfect wee world. Not all kids are engaging with online learning - for a whole host of reasons. Get a grip of yourself and show some empathy.

And oh but "most have tried to make it work", have they? not sure that bears out except on here. And if "most" have, the ones that have struggled are failures are they?

Don’t put words in my mouth. Those who have struggled to make it work and still struggle are NOT failures. You are saying that. Not me. Yes, the majority have tried to make it work. Children are great and most try really hard even when they are really up against it.

@Lockdownbear

Let them get SS involved. They might actually be able to get him classed as vulnerable and get a school place.

I don't actually know how you make a 14yo do something they don't want to do. I struggle enough getting my 10 yo to do school work.

Agreed.

@Myworldyourworld - Lots of poor advice here. You’ve removed his PlayStation, which would be my response. Can you also speak to him, “Tom, I know things are a lot harder now that you’re working from home but you are in the most important part of your school years, your teachers have said you are doing so well at school and we both want that to continue, if you need any help and support I can help you!” My son is 14, doing well at school and has had the odd blip of wanting days off, starting his work late, after our chat he’s back on track again, I know this may not work, or maybe you’ve tried it already but you’re doing all you can do by removing his PlayStation (so he’s not gaming all day,) considering his age and the current climate. You don’t want to turn it into a battle of punishments.

Your own individual efforts might have been "all about MH and safeguarding" this year but I can tell you as a parent with children at 3 separate schools that is not consistently the case, and government's policy has been get on with it, its FINE, when it is absolutely not!

Then take it up with your DC’s schools and don’t project onto me.

"The question is why has he opted out despite being given support?"

Because the support is inadequate
Because some people just can't learn like this
Because teaching yourself GCSEs is quite hard
Because its a global pandemic, and we've had a year of lockdowns
Because for the longest time there is nothing to look forward to and it seems pointless
Because at this level the govt has not even told young people how and if they will get their grades or (until yesterday whether some algorhythm would calculate them and someone 3 years ago would have failed their exams for them)
And, because he doesn't want to

Also, what "support?"

Wait, the school is threatening to fine the OP, for what? Her DS not doing homework?

Presumably the school is a bit confused as far as what constitutes, 'attendance,' as am fairly sure the usual rules do not apply.

How do your force a 14 year old to do school work?

Answers on a postcard please.

@123sunshine

Some disgusting comments on this thread, no doubt posted by parents of compliant angel children. You have my sympathies in your circumstances the school should have taken him in as a vulnerable pupil. My high achieving son in his gcse year has suffered terribly in lockdown and at times simply wasn’t producing any work, his grades are now looking like they may be a lot lower as a result. His mental state is terrible, he’s in counselling. I have punished, encouraged, delivered sanctions, motivated, all with little effect. His school stepped up last term and he’s been going in a few days a week to provide structure and routine and a healthier working environment. I’m sorry your school hasn’t done the same. To all the posters making comments such as “parent your child” you haven’t walked in their shoes and frankly comments such as those are unhelpful and uncalled for.

Massively agree and a sympathetic cup of tea for you

We're living through a global pandemic. How can some people be so blinded and think that our children should just pick up their bootstraps and crack on when all the systems they've had in place - structure, supportive friendships have been removed?

Fucksake this website is a cesspit at times.

@Myworldyourworld don't be afraid of getting Soc Srvs involved. Your son needs help and so do you. He should be in school. Ignore all the ignoramuses on here who have no idea what it's like to parent an SEN child as well as other children. The stress on your own mental health is incredible. I know that you are doing everything in your power to engage your son. But you should be getting help so tell Soc Services you want him in school. But most of all - try not to worry. He's only 14. He'll catch up. There's a huge amount of hysteria flying around at the moment re school. It's only school. Our kids have their whole lives to catch up. It's more important that we focus on their mental health. I'd give your son a big hug and try hard to get him into school. Look after each other.

@BettysButtons - your words, your implications.

I have no beef with my kid's schools, I'm merely countering your example with others of my own. You are using your specific experiences and belief in your own good work to assume about the general experience.