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Original poster

Refusing home learning = school welfare

317 replies

Myworldyourworld · 25/02/2021 00:09

My son is coming up 14 all through lock down he has refused to do any home learning. I contacted the school and told them it was hard for him to follow the time table. As I have a child with special needs who does not sleep well. So it means we sometimes sleep later in the mornings. They said it could be more flexible as long as its done. Son still did not do it.

They did say its possible he could go into school under being vulnerable due to his sibling having special needs and it being difficult... but nothing became of this.

My son was also questioned how it would be better for him and he said if he had all his work on paper.. so they did that for him still nothing from him.

I contacted the school on a few occasions for help. As I did not know what to do. They have tried to support. But I guess there's only so much they can do.

He also got emails from the school. Some were positive encouragement. Others were more firm and spoke about how let down they felt and how hard they have tried. He also had a phone call from head of year.

Head of year called Me several days back and told me school welfare are going to pay us a visit. She said it was not a reflection on me. But to try and push my son into doing something. I told him what was happening and he still did nothing.

So tonight welfare officer knocks on the door. They have said I could get fined because hes not been doing work. And have given him till Friday to get a decent amount of work done. They are coming back on Friday. If there's no improvement they may refere to social services.

He is excellent in school his attendance is good. He's top set for everything.

At the moment he's not allowed his playstation. I can't turn of Internet as his older brother is doing A levels so he needs it.

OP posts:
AmberItsACertainty · 25/02/2021 03:32

Can you tell him you'd have to sell the PlayStation to pay the fine if he doesn't do his work?

MixedUpFiles · 25/02/2021 03:48

What happens if you sit at the table with him? Will he still refuse if his only other option is staring at the wall?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 25/02/2021 04:16

Push for him to get a school place now..

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Crikeycroc · 25/02/2021 04:24

That’s tough OP. I think I would feel quite comfortable in your position to point out to your son that he hasn’t done any school work yet anyway. I know it’s a punitive approach but it might give him some time to reflect on his choices or open up to you about any issues preventing him from doing the work.
Hopefully SS will push for a school place for him. My DB was like this, he needed constant supervision of work didn’t get done!

ExhaustedFlamingo · 25/02/2021 04:45

You say your other child has additional needs OP - is there any chance your DS also has undiagnosed additional needs? If he was such an excellent pupil at school - and presumably did homework etc? - that's quite a change in his demeanour now, which is odd.

Some children with additional needs find the change to working at home too overwhelming to deal with. Not all, obviously. But a considerable number really struggle. I wonder if there's something like this going on with him.

For such a marked change in his attitude, there's something going on. Only you and he will know what this is, but I'd be very keen to get to the bottom of this if I were you, rather than just punish him further. Any chance you can have a quiet chat, no judgement, just a talk, away from everyone else? Maybe a walk? I find my DC often open up when we're chatting in the car because there's not such intense focus on their responses.

Suzi888 · 25/02/2021 04:55

Remove the play station and mobile phone if he has one. Remove treats, pocket money, whatever he has that he enjoys.
He isn’t facing any consequences for his actions and to be honest there’s not that long left now anyway before he goes back to school - if he actually bothers going back.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/02/2021 05:03

Very difficult OP, fortunately he’s going back soon, I doubt anything will come of the SS given they must see lots of this at the moment.
My only question is why is him getting up in the morning hard given that he presumably got up and went to school on time when he physically went to school?

SillyOldMummy · 25/02/2021 05:11

He does sound incredibly spoiled.

What devices does he use OP? You can easily put security passwords on an iPad or iPhone to stop him being able to access any apps other than ones you give permission for. Tell him, for every hour of work done you will grant 1 hour of time on an app of his choice.

Don't let him use the TV . No pocket money.

If he chooses not to work give him chores. Wash and vacuum the car. Clean and polish the outside and inside windows. Scrub the toilets. Do the laundry.

Tell him if he has "quit" his job which is school then he needs to step up elsewhere . No way does he get a free pass in life.

Reinventinganna · 25/02/2021 05:12

Do the people being idiots towards the op have teenagers?

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 25/02/2021 05:28

He's got paper work so you can take his devices and get him to do that.

Lockdownbear · 25/02/2021 06:01

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Very difficult OP, fortunately he’s going back soon, I doubt anything will come of the SS given they must see lots of this at the moment. My only question is why is him getting up in the morning hard given that he presumably got up and went to school on time when he physically went to school?
I'd assume that the special needs child is out of sorts not being in school either. And waking during the night etc.

It sounds to me like Op has a heck of a lot on her plate.

Welfare officer just sounds like a useless bully. Who thought piling on the pressure was a good idea, with out actually offering any help. If SS do get involved hopefully they'll be more helpful.

Op the poster who suggested that your 14yo might have also have special needs could be onto something. Some ASD have really struggled to cope with home-schooling.

But I think I'd contact school and ask for a place on the basis of being vulnerable, you can't get him to engage and you have a SN child at home too.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/02/2021 06:31

@Reinventinganna

Do the people being idiots towards the op have teenagers?
Of course they don’t. I also think people don’t realise teenagers aren’t how they were just over a yr ago. If you take away their phones today you are taking away, for many, their only external contact. The depression many of these children must be feeling we cannot fathom at that age.
Porridgeoat · 25/02/2021 06:39

Get him back in school. Ring them and tell them he will need to start Monday. Then send him in.

Porridgeoat · 25/02/2021 06:42

Tell the welfare officer you are sending him into school Monday.

The school should have offered him a place due to disengagement and SN sibling.

Strictly1 · 25/02/2021 06:43

He needs real consequences. What if he decides he's not going back to school? Will it be up school to get him there? When he's older, he's not going to work? He needs consequences. Not saying it's easy but teachers cannot be responsible for every child at home fully engaging - it's not possible.
Sorry he's being challenging.

Ijustreallywantacat · 25/02/2021 06:49

He doesn't need the Internet for all of it if he's got paper copies.

Change the password for the Internet, take away his devices, hide the remote for the games console, and tell him he's not getting them back until he's done X amount of work each day.

TableFlowerss · 25/02/2021 06:57

I told mine that if they didn’t do the work they would be in different sets to their friends who did complete work.

I also said the children who fall behind would have to go in to school in the summer, holidays so they could catch up.

Never seen DC move so fast!

I know it’s a bit late now as he’ll be going back in two weeks but if he’s too for everything, I’m sure he’ll be absolutely fine in reality. They’ll have to go slower so the others catch up anyway so if he ‘gets it’ anyway without trying, I’m sure it’ll be fine.

Would be different if he struggled at school in general

GalesThisMorning · 25/02/2021 07:01

People are being unkind. Your child doesn't sound spoiled to me. He sounds like he is not okay and needs to be in school.

I would ring the pastoral lead at your school and have a very frank conversation about the fact that he is not working for you at home and you don't have the capacity to make him. Don't offer or accept suggestions other than an in person place for a vulnerable learner.

Do not, as another poster has suggested, get arsey with them and tell them to get all kids back now. Clearly that is not possible or their job. Stay calm and honest. You've tried. They've tried. No one has yet tried in person. That needs to be the next step before SS involvement.

It doesn't sound like your son will engage just because you've taken away devices, he needs to need something more than punishment and threats. It's ok. Its not your fault

starbrightstarlight8888 · 25/02/2021 07:10

Does he do the work if you're sitting with him helping him? Do you have a partner or husband that could take some time to sit with him?

3rdNamechange · 25/02/2021 07:15

@14down

Step up and parent him. It's not difficult..
Genuine question , how do you make a 14 year old boy do something he doesn't want to?
Cloudbeeb · 25/02/2021 07:17

It sounds like both you and the school have been proactive, in honesty I would just let SS come Friday, they should be able to get a school place for him. I don't want this to sound bad, so I am genuinely really sorry if this is upsetting as I don't mean it to be toward you or your other son, but do you think there is any emotional or actual support that might help him? You say sleep etc is very disturbed, is it possible he is struggling without having some time away from the household?
As an aside, I was thinking the other day that my brother as a teen would have been an absolute nightmare with home schooling, no additional needs just the class joker and it would have been absolute hell.

Cocopogo · 25/02/2021 07:23

You mention the WiFi, so how is he accessing it? Have you removed his phone as well as the PlayStation and grounded him?
You don’t sound very firm. Have you kicked his arse out of bed at 8am every morning until he’s willing to do his work? Have you withheld all treats? My DS 15 went through a spell of not doing it but I was at work so didn’t know. He had a tough week of sanctions and hopefully won’t behave like that again in a hurry

hellywelly3 · 25/02/2021 07:25

When school said he could possibly get a place I think you should of pushed for that rather than say nothing came of it. You say his sibling disturbed his sleep, when happens when he’s at school is his sleep disturbed then? Because surly he would be used it that. It’s too late now I think but keeping to the normal structure regarding bed times and getting up has worked in our house.

ApplePenPineapplePen · 25/02/2021 07:27

What on earth is he doing with his time instead? Playstation and youtube all day every day? Sounds pretty depressing. Agree try and talk and listen. Ask him what he wants for his life, his hopes and aspirations. Surprised having an older sibling doing Alevels isn't helping to have a role model. You can't force him to study, so persuasion it has to be, supported by reducing his dependence/addiction to gaming (if that is all he does). Does he read books? Play chess? Help with chores? Exercise? Play an instrument? Or do amything creative? Talk to his friends on the phone not just text? And what do you do together? I really feel for these kids that have had their lives turned upside down and I think it requires all of us as parents to consciously invest so much more emotional energy in helping them through. Easy to say, tough to do, when many have so much to deal with without all the usual support structures operating. I think a bright kid will likely catch up once back in school if motivated, but sounds like he has lost all motivation.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 25/02/2021 07:42

My god there are some nasty people on here, obviously their kids are perfectHmm
Op could he be suffering with a bit of depression maybe? I know there have been days when l have felt so flat with no motivationn- anything he likes that you can use to --bribe/encourage him? I feel so awful for teenagers, life is tricky enough at that age.