Refusing home learning = school welfare

[Myworldyourworld]

My son is coming up 14 all through lock down he has refused to do any home learning. I contacted the school and told them it was hard for him to follow the time table. As I have a child with special needs who does not sleep well. So it means we sometimes sleep later in the mornings. They said it could be more flexible as long as its done. Son still did not do it.

They did say its possible he could go into school under being vulnerable due to his sibling having special needs and it being difficult... but nothing became of this.

My son was also questioned how it would be better for him and he said if he had all his work on paper.. so they did that for him still nothing from him.

I contacted the school on a few occasions for help. As I did not know what to do. They have tried to support. But I guess there's only so much they can do.

He also got emails from the school. Some were positive encouragement. Others were more firm and spoke about how let down they felt and how hard they have tried. He also had a phone call from head of year.

Head of year called Me several days back and told me school welfare are going to pay us a visit. She said it was not a reflection on me. But to try and push my son into doing something. I told him what was happening and he still did nothing.

So tonight welfare officer knocks on the door. They have said I could get fined because hes not been doing work. And have given him till Friday to get a decent amount of work done. They are coming back on Friday. If there's no improvement they may refere to social services.

He is excellent in school his attendance is good. He's top set for everything.

At the moment he's not allowed his playstation. I can't turn of Internet as his older brother is doing A levels so he needs it.

Every sympathy for you OP, education is important but the relationship you have with your son is more so. It's been a bloody difficult year for everyone. The teachers are on their knees and so are families
Children should be returning to school soon, talk to him about the future, what is he looking forward to returning to school?
Don't focus on was has been, it's done
Education is about the whole child not just exams
It will right itself

OP unfortunately some 14 year olds (and older) are lazy and immature

I agree! I myself was a lazy and immature 14 year old and did the bare minimum.
I was basically bone idle and if I could get away with doing nothing, I did nothing!

I think he meets the definition for a school place as he is unable to work at home. Secondary schools have a small percentage of students in, they should be able to find him a space. Many people find it difficult to be motivated at home, he’s just a kid, you’ve exhausted other options, I’d request he goes to school

OP what have you tried? That might help us advise more. Are you working as well or can you sit with him and make him do it? What actually happens when he sits down at the table to do lessons or work?

Actually Op just thinking, if you can't get him into school next week but hes back the week after, it might be better to take the pressure off and not give both of you stress for that week.

My first thought was mental health. Is he depressed? My 10 year old is so low this time. No motivation

@14down

Step up and parent him. It's not difficult..

i disagree, it's extrememly difficult sometimes imo! he will be going back soon, what's the issue here.

Op you poor thing some of those first responses are horrible. I would push very hard for the school to have him back in. It sounds like he is missing the structure and is too distracted at home. Is your SN child there during the day too?

14 tends to be peak awkward in boys, I have 3 adult sons 2 teenage grandsons so I know how awkward they can be and I know some aren't. People who think it is easy just don't have the awkward variety.

I know with one of mine I'd have had the same problem as you, he was smart but totally awkward at 14. Amazingly ten years on he had transformed into the most helpful, kind non awkward young man you could wish to meet.

Hopefully he will make an effort but many teenagers have found this a hard year.

Tell you what worked in our house Op..bribery,Shameful bribery!Nothing else would motivate and i was tired of battling. I had to win this battle somehow so it was settled on 50p a worksheet! My friends have resorted to similar too so for one it is a new pair of trainers when all work is done and as they return to school another friend has an agreement for a new playstation game..none of these items will appear until all work is handed in and completed and school returns.Ridiculous situation really but we do whatever we need to get us and the kids through...if it takes a reward at the end then so be it....would this be worth a try for you? Is there something he desperately wants that could result in a trade off ..he catches up and knuckles down and you get him something in return? The kids think they are winning but they arent cos we have the work done!!!

Maybe he's depressed? Have you seen the GP? Can the school direct you to any organisations? It's not natural for us to be living this way. It's going to take its toll on teenagers especially. I hope things improve once he's back at school.

just to add, i have a 12 yo refusing to do a certain lesson she hates, a 10yo struggling. I have tried, as we all have, unsuccessfully. its just the wrong way of learning for some kids.

if he's bright he will catch up i'm sure. they won't fine you.

@Myworldyourworld

It's not easy to make a 14 year old do home learning. It's not like I can stop him going out seeing friends etc because we are in lock down anyway. The school did say he could possibly go under vulnerable child. But nothing came of it.

No, it’s not easy, so that means you work harder/smarter at it. Pivot, change approach, anything! You seem to have just given up.

Likewise ‘nothing came of’ the school place suggestion? Why weren’t you chasing them until something did ‘come of it’.

You needed to be a lot more pro active here OP.

Oh, and you can change the password for the internet and make being given it conditional on doing as he’s told.

@Reinventinganna

Do the people being idiots towards the op have teenagers?

Probably not

Yes fairly obvious the smug on here don’t have the first clue about parenting a teenager.

And this ^^
@Myworldyourworld please ignore the unhelpful answers on here from people who clearly have never had to parent an obstinate 14 year old and a child with special needs.

I haven't walked in your shoes, but I know just how demotivating this situation is even for young people who are more engaged with learning. My 20 year old academically able student DD and her friends are all struggling to be motivated right now.

I hope the return to school will help. I know you are doing your best.

For those posters who think it is OK to tell someone that she is a shit parent when she has come on here to ask for help - you should be ashamed of yourselves

You cannot, unless you are prepared to terrorise or heavily punish a child, make a 14 year old do anything. That's why teens get anorexia, they don't eat, their parents can't make them. School refusal- if you have a child who is school refusing, then no amount of punishment, taking things away, being firm etc will get them past the school gates. They would rather lie in bed doing nothing without their Playstation than comply with your demands.

Some of the replies on here sound like they are parenting a 6 year old. Some teens respond to escalating consequences, many do not and some will actively rebel against them, leaving the home, doing illegal things or even hurting themselves.

You can't just insist a teen eats, goes to school, picks up a pencil by shouting at them, otherwise all teens would be obedient and compliant!

You are so far in now, I would try to get a school place or wait til we are out of lockdown and then go for trying to get him to engage again himself, you will soon find out if this is a temporary state of laziness or he is depressed or there's something more going on. I would also, despite being angry at his response, still keep positive parenting him, showing interest in him, and that you believe he's going to come right again, because if you alienate him now, you won't stand a chance if he refuses to go to school altogether. I'd state your dilemma, how cross you feel and ask him how he thinks this is going to resolve.

He may well be suffering from the demotivation and depression that many adults have had this year, but he does need ways out of this and you don't want him to get stuck like this, hopefully with everything opening up more, this will change quickly.

This is ridiculous, if you are caring for a younger SN child and it isn't working for your 14 year old at home then he needs to be classed as vulnerable and start going to school.

It's very tough to get teens to work when they don't want to. The school is being entirely unreasonable - taking your son into school should happen before social services are involved.

Anyway, I wouldn't worry about SS being involved because you can make that point to them. FB group above sounds good, and if I were you I would email the school today, very firmly, note all the times you'll asked your child to be taken into school, say you cannot homeschool a resistant child and look after your SN child - and say the solution to this problem is for them to take him into school.

OP I think the school are being ridiculous by referring to social services, and if your DS has done no work why the hell have they waited for so long to escalate it?
He’s going back in soon.

I sympathise with you and your ds. Homeschooling is not for everyone, especially when it’s forced on them.

You are his Mum not a school or a teacher.

They should have had him in school a long time ago. The failing is there’s, do not let them blame you when you have been asking for help.

Huge symathy to OP and to the other posters who are having difficulties getting their DC to accept home learning. I'm in the same boat with 14yo with ASD who spends every day lying in bed in the dark, doing absolutely nothing except 'watching' 2 or 3 live lessons a day (has them playing on the laptop while she lies there). Then gets up about 4pm and we try to engage her for the evening. She has low mood, anxiety, self harmed etc. School are good about it, but it's awful and so bad for her. They have offered her a place in school but she refuses to go. I'm just trying to hang on till 8 March. The two occasions she has done some actual work, we have been told it was very good. I'm just praying she can catch up when she starts back at school.

@BettysButtons

As usual the engaged and caring parents are easy targets. I bet the arsehole families haven’t had all this crap to deal with.

Genuinely don’t know what this means.

I agree that on-line learning is absolutely no substitute for school though.

Well, I mean that there are probably plenty of parents and kids doing fuck all but because they are renowned arseholes and lazy bastards they just aren’t bothering with them, whereas people like OP trying her best are getting it in the neck.

Exactly - he's back on the 8th and he should have been given a space ages ago.

Just tell the school they are failing in their duty to your son. They need to have him in school now, from tomorrow. He comes under the vulnerable category and needs to be attending school in person. That is the SCHOOL's responsibility to have him in school working fully supervised.

Don't get bogged down in how to make him work at home any more , he has shown you he can't /won't but he has worked in school in the past . The school and welfare officer are trying to blame you but they are supposed to offer children like yours a place in school before giving up on them and threatening their parents with fines!!

here is no point asking him what will help, he doesn't know. He has just lost any motivation to do any work.

I would make sure he is officially down as vulnerable in case this happens again next winter. From that perspective, the involvement of services is good. It sounds like a mental block to me, like writer’s block, he has disengaged. Hopefully once he is back at school in just over a week, he will settle back into doing some work. Insist they keep a close eye on him etc, get all the help you can get for your DS.

Fines have been legally suspended so the EWO is either lying or not the brightest.

You cannot, unless you are prepared to terrorise or heavily punish a child, make a 14 year old do anything.

Not entirely true.
Teachers spend most of their working day persuading, encouraging, supporting (bribing & cajoling 😅) students to work when they’d much rather be out playing football or chatting with their friends. The majority of teenagers are surprisingly compliant and willing to try their best!
Refusers (those who will not do anything at all either in or out of school, despite every effort from pretty much everyone) are few and far between and are more often than not suffering from MH, behaviour or other issues.