Refusing home learning = school welfare

[Myworldyourworld]

My son is coming up 14 all through lock down he has refused to do any home learning. I contacted the school and told them it was hard for him to follow the time table. As I have a child with special needs who does not sleep well. So it means we sometimes sleep later in the mornings. They said it could be more flexible as long as its done. Son still did not do it.

They did say its possible he could go into school under being vulnerable due to his sibling having special needs and it being difficult... but nothing became of this.

My son was also questioned how it would be better for him and he said if he had all his work on paper.. so they did that for him still nothing from him.

I contacted the school on a few occasions for help. As I did not know what to do. They have tried to support. But I guess there's only so much they can do.

He also got emails from the school. Some were positive encouragement. Others were more firm and spoke about how let down they felt and how hard they have tried. He also had a phone call from head of year.

Head of year called Me several days back and told me school welfare are going to pay us a visit. She said it was not a reflection on me. But to try and push my son into doing something. I told him what was happening and he still did nothing.

So tonight welfare officer knocks on the door. They have said I could get fined because hes not been doing work. And have given him till Friday to get a decent amount of work done. They are coming back on Friday. If there's no improvement they may refere to social services.

He is excellent in school his attendance is good. He's top set for everything.

At the moment he's not allowed his playstation. I can't turn of Internet as his older brother is doing A levels so he needs it.

It’s bloody hard work but children do respond if you put the effort in.

Just tell the school they are failing in their duty to your son. They need to have him in school now, from tomorrow. He comes under the vulnerable category and needs to be attending school in person. That is the SCHOOL's responsibility to have him in school working fully supervised.

If he was eligible he would have a place already.

Teachers spend most of their working day persuading, encouraging, supporting (bribing & cajoling 😅) students to work when they’d much rather be out playing football or chatting with their friends.

Being a teacher is different from being the parent. Even when DD was little she would respond to a teacher's authority with regard to school work far more then me. A teacher can't be emotionally manipulated by a child that isn't there own in the same way a parent can.

It’s bloody hard work but children do respond if you put the effort in.

Not all children do. Are you suggesting that the OP isn't doing enough? Do you also have a special needs child to care for?

Well, I mean that there are probably plenty of parents and kids doing fuck all but because they are renowned arseholes and lazy bastards they just aren’t bothering with them, whereas people like OP trying her best are getting it in the neck.

I can’t disagree with you there sadly.
That’s a whole other thread!

Not all children do. Are you suggesting that the OP isn't doing enough? Do you also have a special needs child to care for?

Umm...Read my post again.

I said Refusers (those who will not do anything at all either in or out of school, despite every effort from pretty much everyone) are few and far between and are more often than not suffering from MH, behaviour or other issues.

@14down

Step up and parent him. It's not difficult..

What a nasty little comment.

OP hasn't said weather she is working but she has another child with SN which obviously would make it hard to sit with him and actively go through work with them, it just doesn't work, it doesn't for me anyway and I have two in secondary. Some really sanctimonious replies here!

How is he getting on with his older brother? Would he be able to help in anyway?

He's not done anything at all?

There's just no excuse for that and I'm sorry op but you don't sound engaged enough or issuing any consequences at all.

How do you 'make' a child work? You log onto their Google Classrooms or whatever, pick an assignment then give it to them and tell them to bloody well do it now and bring it to you when done. Then repeat.

And until they do there is NO PlayStation, no phone, no treats and lights off at 8pm. And do that every day until he realises you will not put up with his shit and school work is compulsory, not something he can decide not to do.

@BettysButtons

You cannot, unless you are prepared to terrorise or heavily punish a child, make a 14 year old do anything.

Not entirely true.
Teachers spend most of their working day persuading, encouraging, supporting (bribing & cajoling 😅) students to work when they’d much rather be out playing football or chatting with their friends. The majority of teenagers are surprisingly compliant and willing to try their best!
Refusers (those who will not do anything at all either in or out of school, despite every effort from pretty much everyone) are few and far between and are more often than not suffering from MH, behaviour or other issues.

I don’t think you are a parent. Children do not act the same with their parents as they do with a teacher, it’s a completely different dynamic. It’s a bit like saying you’d react the same to your boss as to your husband.

So many perfect parents and perfect children here 🙄

@Myworldyourworld

I'm wondering what condition your other child has, and whether those special needs is something that could be affecting your DS too. I've got a similar situation here. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to.

@BettysButtons

Refusers (those who will not do anything at all either in or out of school, despite every effort from pretty much everyone) are few and far between and are more often than not suffering from MH, behaviour or other issues.

So let's say the OPs son is a 'genuine' refused, and is suffering from MH, behaviour or other issues.... now what?

It sounds like.you've done all you can OP. I know how very difficult this must be for you, some of the replies on here are so ignorant, totally unhelpful.
I don't think he is being lazy or defiant. It could be something more deep rooted, like anxiety or depression.l.know first hand there is an enormous lack of empathy, understanding and knowledge from others who have never been in this boat. You get judged very unfairly if your the parent of a teen suffering from anxiety and, or depression, and l wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Using force, threats or shame tactics only makes the situation a lot worse.
I would try and talk to your son, not about school work but now he honestly feels in himself. It's so sad many of our young men feel unable to express themselves. Even if he can't say it out loud, could he write it down.
I really hope things start to look up for you both once schools reopen again.

They did say its possible he could go into school under being vulnerable due to his sibling having special needs and it being difficult... but nothing became of this.

Sorry - your job was to push on that issue.

Bungle: I don’t think you are a parent. Children do not act the same with their parents as they do with a teacher, it’s a completely different dynamic. It’s a bit like saying you’d react the same to your boss as to your husband.

You couldn’t be more wrong!
I am a parent and a (4 day a week) teacher!
Persuading, cajoling etc. doesn’t need to be aggressive. You direct your children in countless ways daily! They are given boundaries and rules at home. It’s the same thing!

Completely different dynamic with husbands/wives/other adults. Not comparable.

So what does he do all day if he doesn't do school work? Just sit and stare at a blank wall? Obviously you wouldn't allow him to go on the playstation, phone etc or watch TV if he's not doing his school work.

I don't understand all the posts along the lines of 'oh babes you've done everything you can' at all

I've just re-read ops posts and other than contact the school and list what the school have done...and recently banning the PlayStation... I can't see that she's said she's done anything at all.

Dumpling: So let's say the OPs son is a 'genuine' refused, and is suffering from MH, behaviour or other issues.... now what?

If the OP’s son is a school refuser, his school refers his case to outside agencies who work with the family - which is exactly what has happened here.
Everything of this nature is outsourced thanks to Government policy.

OP I’m a Social Worker, if this came through to me for investigation, I would roll my eyes and think what on earth am I meant to do that school aren’t already doing? As long as you’re doing your bit and are honest about the problems you have with him then I’m not sure what else can be done. Try not to worry xx

Does he get pocket money you could withhold?

Fines were suspended OP, so the Welfare Officer shouldn't be threatening you with those. SS are not going to be interested in a cared for child, usually in top sets, with an engaged parent, who in the midst of a global health crisis cannot be motivated. They are too busy with people in genuine severe need.

You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink.

I don't have compliant children either, I have tired, bored, sad, demotivated children. Ones who thrive in the classroom, and who detest learning in this remote fashion.

OP, if he's bright and he gets back to school he will be ok. It isn't the end of the world if he doesn't pass his GCSEs (this is enough to get me cast out of mumsnet for heresy). If he's bright the chances are he'll do well enough to progress to something. Or he can resit. Not the end of the world.

My god some of the comments are ridiculous! Spoiled? Nothing the op has said suggests this boy is spoiled. Make him? What, by standing over him with a cane, and whacking his hands when he doesn't move the pen?
And yes, I suspect most have not got teenagers or children with additional needs.

@Couchbettato made a very wise post that I agree with.

It is quite common for people that are depressed to hide it well, particularly if there are other people in the household that need a great deal of input.

Home learning has been incredibly overwhelming for many, and once one falls behind, it can be impossible to see how to catch up, and that just demotivates children even more. DD has a friend who similarly is very very able, but has just given up home learning, thrown her phone in a drawer, and is utterly miserable and disengaged at the moment.

I think draw a line under the position now. Forget what he's missed or hasn't done. Could your elder son look after the younger one for some time so you can sit with this one (who is still only 13 if I've read correctly) and just chat, talk about school opening back up (school will likely send details of that this week), about the need to get back into a routine so he's well-rested, up and ready and out to school each morning, help him organise his books and folders and papers which are no doubt dumped around his room and another barrier to him getting on with things. He needs some uninterrupted one-to-one time with you so you can see how he is- it's likely he's going to need to visit a gp (well, virtually) for depression treatment, and some form of external agency for talking therapy, though the waiting lists will be hellish at the moment. Schools have been sending out signposting information for MH support from local agencies, so if you look at the school's newsletters hopefully there'll be info in those.

The SS visit can be a good catalyst- they can probably access support for MH more quickly than someone self referring (obviously this depends on your area I'm afraid).

Focusing on baby steps at the moment, could he get out for a short walk each day in the middle of the day, because that has been shown to help melatonin production and benefit sleep at night? Just round the block is fine. It gives him a little structure to his day too.

In order to love and value ourselves we need to know we're loved and valued by others, so keep showing him how you love and value him. It's ok to tell him you're worried about him.

sounds like you make a lot of excuses for him.

like what has 'we sleep late' got to do with anything?

We would all like to sleep late, many of us have babies that are up all night and toddlers going through sleep regression etc... plus many of us are carers too, we still get our asses up while tired and home school our older children just as we would have to get up and take them to school in normal times its called parenting.

This is the equivilent of you not taking your child to school, its not the schools fault your making excuses for him not showing up during school time and not doing any work, theres nothing they can do except fine you for not doing your part.

If he sees you setting the example of lying in, being lazy and making excuses for everything why should he feel that he needs to do anything different.

@Myworldyourworld

It's not easy to make a 14 year old do home learning. It's not like I can stop him going out seeing friends etc because we are in lock down anyway. The school did say he could possibly go under vulnerable child. But nothing came of it.

When you say "nothing came of it" what do you mean? You just didn't hear anything further?

If that's the case, then you need to be initiating contact again and pushing this issue, as he should be classed as vulnerable and given a school place.

If they're not taking the initiative then you don't just drop it. You need to keep contacting them and telling them over and over again. It's a shame but sometimes that's what it takes.

@FredaFlintstone you are mixing up 4 year olds with 14 year olds. If you haven't been in that situation, you are chirping obliviously.

Most 14 year old boys are bigger than their mothers, perfectly capable of getting up and leaving the house, simply won't comply with your little sanctions, get angry etc.

And OP has a child with complex care needs and her own mental health to look after.