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Original poster

Should dh suffer or should my kids share a room again?

170 replies

Helpourhome · 21/02/2021 15:38

This is very outing so I’ve changed name, really hoping someone can help, although I’m fully prepared to be flamed.

Last year our eldest dd moved out and into her own rented flat. Things didn’t work out, she was depressed her job was on the line so we said she could move back in with us once her 6 month lease was up. Before she moved out she shared with dd2 which was a struggle and cramped for space. When she moved back in with us we gave her our room, and we moved our bed into the living room, essentially giving up having a living room at all.

This has had a real detrimental affect on dhs mental health. He is severely depressed and feels trapped in his bedroom, nowhere to go, and he has got to the point where he’s said if nothing changes then he can’t go on like this and it’s going to break us, he’ll have to end up moving out.

Now our house has a really weird set up. Large living room (now our bedroom) on the bottom floor. Middle floor has our old bedroom (now dd1s) shower room and kitchen. Top floor has dd1s bedroom, dd2s bedroom and bathroom.

I’m reluctant to make them share again, the bedrooms on the top floor have slanted roofs and due to this can be rather cramped. For the first time dd2 has her own room and her own space. Dd3 is autistic so can’t share. I’m worried that to help dhs mental health I’ll be making my dds mental health worse. I feel so torn as to what to do. Dh wants a sit down with everyone tonight to discuss options, does anyone have any bright ideas?

The atmosphere in the house is really awful atm.
So as not to drip feed:
Dd1 18, dd2 14, dd3 12
Housing association house.
I’m disabled so hobbling the stairs just to go to the toilet is killing me. Dd1 is barely staying here 2-3 days a week (probably because of the atmosphere!) She has a boyfriend of a year so stays at his mostly, but they are painting her new room so may stay here more once that’s done. She works too.
Obviously lockdown has everyone feeling down and trapped and pretty shit tbh.
Dh is taking a lot of his feelings out on me (I know he doesn’t mean it) and accused me of not caring how he feels, that’s not true, I just really wish I could come up with something that could keep everyone happy. It really is tearing a rift between us.

OP posts:
MrsSpenserGregson · 21/02/2021 15:43

You and your DH should have the bedroom next to the shower room, so that you're not having to hobble about any more than necessary.

DD1 can sleep in the lounge. She's staying with her boyfriend some nights anyway, so she doesn't need a full-time bedroom at your house.

DD2 and DD3 keep their bedrooms.

Meredithgrey1 · 21/02/2021 15:46

Is your old room the biggest? Could DD1 and 2 share this room and you take DD2’s room? If DD1 isnt there very much I personally think it’s not ideal to lose living space over it, especially if that’s the only family space you have.

Another option would be to split the room somehow, to create a living area, but that depends on the size of the room of course.

caramac04 · 21/02/2021 15:47

As @MrsSpenserGregson said, DD1 can sleep in the living room. It’s all a compromise but that’s seems the best and DD1 is old enough to understand.

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Families
HovercraftFullOfEels · 21/02/2021 15:48

Would a sofa bed be an option?

We slept in the lounge when DC were small as we lived in a 2 bed flat. It helped to be able to put the bed away during the day so the room was usable as a family room and set it up at night as part of our bedtime routine.

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 21/02/2021 15:50

Get your living room back.
I couldn't live like that either, it's nice your dd feels she can move home but that needs to be to home as it exists - which means sharing a room.
I'm assuming the kitchen doesn't feel like a big enough space to use as a living room too. It was a kind thing to try but enough is enough and as you say her room lies empty some of the time anyway!

KettleWentBang · 21/02/2021 15:50

Dd1 old enough to understand. I would make them share cramped or not.

Notcontent · 21/02/2021 15:50

I agree with the above - dd can have a futon or day bed in the living room.

But to me it sounds like changing the room set up is not going to solve your DH’s issues.

katy1213 · 21/02/2021 15:50

Crazy to give up your room to an adult daughter. Let the girls share as they did before. No meeting or discussion required - it's your house.

SquishySquirmy · 21/02/2021 15:52

If your old room (now dd's) is the biggest, could dd1 and dd2 share that? Then you and dh have one of the attic rooms.

Or dd1 sleeps in the living room. Put a nice daybed etc in there, see if anything can be done with the layout to make it work better. But if she isn't there most nights anyway then she needs the space less.

CodenameVillanelle · 21/02/2021 15:52

You and your DH need your room back. DD can sleep in the living room.

user18467425798532 · 21/02/2021 15:54

Is the issue for your husband that his only living space during the day is his bedroom or the kitchen? And then at night he's in the bedroom again obviously so has spent 24 hours in the same room? Sitting on his bed?

Would a Murphy bed help matters? So that during the day it doesn't feel like a bedroom and is a proper living space?

Combined with pp suggestion of making the living room your daughter's bedroom?

Does he go out the house for work / will be be again once lockdown is eased?

Plonque · 21/02/2021 15:54

First reply is right, your DD1 should have the lounge as she's not even there full time.

Toocold · 21/02/2021 15:54

DD1 has the living room or I know you said it is housing association but are you allowed to put up a stud wall in your old bedroom? Or DD1 and DD2 share but with a divider of kallax units in one of the bigger rooms?

Original poster
Helpourhome · 21/02/2021 15:55

Thank you all for replies so far.

Our old bedroom isn’t big at all so wouldn’t be able to split.
Dhs biggest issue is that we don’t have a separate living room anymore, a place to sit as a family (or escape each other!) He is a musician too so he wants a place to be able to do that without me lying in my bed in the same space. I wouldn’t be able to sleep on a sofa bed due to my disabilities.
Dd has too much stuff for her just to sleep in the living room, we wouldn’t be able to store it all.

I was wondering if I could split the living room into 2 somehow for the youngest dds, have our old room as the new living room and dd2&3s old rooms as ours and dd1s. But it seems like it would be the biggest upheaval, and I can imagine the screaming matches now with dd2&3, one would have to walk through the others side to get to theirs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpourhome · 21/02/2021 15:56

I think it was suggested that dd1 have the living room when she first moved back but dhs music stuff wouldn’t fit in our bedroom either. Argh I’m honestly pulling my hair out here.
Not meaning to dismiss any suggestions, they’re all helpful.

OP posts:
user18467425798532 · 21/02/2021 15:56

@katy1213

Crazy to give up your room to an adult daughter. Let the girls share as they did before. No meeting or discussion required - it's your house.
Sure, if op wants relationships to break down further she could take the "my house, I decide, your views don't matter" approach.

However this is the home of everyone in the household, her children aren't lodgers. The fact that her eldest dd is an adult is even more of a reason to have a discussion together to agree a solution.

TierFourTears · 21/02/2021 15:58

I think this might not work due to the stairs, but could the living room be divided into 2 rooms for the girls to share, and the bedroom on the middle floor become the living room?

Chunkymenrock · 21/02/2021 15:58

Any space in the garden for a caravan or mobile home?
Know anyone who would consider daughter as a lodger?

minipie · 21/02/2021 15:58

@MrsSpenserGregson

You and your DH should have the bedroom next to the shower room, so that you're not having to hobble about any more than necessary.

DD1 can sleep in the lounge. She's staying with her boyfriend some nights anyway, so she doesn't need a full-time bedroom at your house.

DD2 and DD3 keep their bedrooms.

This
minipie · 21/02/2021 16:00

Do you have a garden? Any chance you could get a shed for DH music stuff/DD1 stuff?

PracticingPerson · 21/02/2021 16:00

@MrsSpenserGregson

You and your DH should have the bedroom next to the shower room, so that you're not having to hobble about any more than necessary.

DD1 can sleep in the lounge. She's staying with her boyfriend some nights anyway, so she doesn't need a full-time bedroom at your house.

DD2 and DD3 keep their bedrooms.

Yes agree. And your DD1 should be making some contribution (just token) to make this all feel more adult imo.
user18467425798532 · 21/02/2021 16:00

Ok, so maybe part of it needs to be more flexibility with where stuff is stored. Does everything of each person need to be stored in their bedroom? Or can some things be stored in other places?

Daybed? Still a proper mattress but the frame means you can use it as seating during the day.

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 21/02/2021 16:00

No they're not lodgers as lodgers pay rent! Possibly the dd1 does too but I didn't see that. It is reasonable to expect to have a communal room in your house. It is reasonable for two sisters to share a room, and both have the option of going to a separate sitting room for the change and one can go to work/to a separate house to sleep. I assume this option is not open to the dh. I still think moving back to sharing a room is the only option. It's not as if you are kicking her out.

Original poster
Helpourhome · 21/02/2021 16:00

@user18467425798532

Is the issue for your husband that his only living space during the day is his bedroom or the kitchen? And then at night he's in the bedroom again obviously so has spent 24 hours in the same room? Sitting on his bed?

Would a Murphy bed help matters? So that during the day it doesn't feel like a bedroom and is a proper living space?

Combined with pp suggestion of making the living room your daughter's bedroom?

Does he go out the house for work / will be be again once lockdown is eased?

That’s exactly dhs issue.

I think 18yo (with a boyfriend joined at the hip) sharing with 14yo in a cramped room would be a recipe for disaster, I don’t think it would be fair on dd2 at all.

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 21/02/2021 16:01

Dividing the living room is the obvious solution IF your oldest dd is going to be there for a while. If she’s likely to move out again soon she can share.