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Original poster

Should dh suffer or should my kids share a room again?

170 replies

Helpourhome · 21/02/2021 15:38

This is very outing so I’ve changed name, really hoping someone can help, although I’m fully prepared to be flamed.

Last year our eldest dd moved out and into her own rented flat. Things didn’t work out, she was depressed her job was on the line so we said she could move back in with us once her 6 month lease was up. Before she moved out she shared with dd2 which was a struggle and cramped for space. When she moved back in with us we gave her our room, and we moved our bed into the living room, essentially giving up having a living room at all.

This has had a real detrimental affect on dhs mental health. He is severely depressed and feels trapped in his bedroom, nowhere to go, and he has got to the point where he’s said if nothing changes then he can’t go on like this and it’s going to break us, he’ll have to end up moving out.

Now our house has a really weird set up. Large living room (now our bedroom) on the bottom floor. Middle floor has our old bedroom (now dd1s) shower room and kitchen. Top floor has dd1s bedroom, dd2s bedroom and bathroom.

I’m reluctant to make them share again, the bedrooms on the top floor have slanted roofs and due to this can be rather cramped. For the first time dd2 has her own room and her own space. Dd3 is autistic so can’t share. I’m worried that to help dhs mental health I’ll be making my dds mental health worse. I feel so torn as to what to do. Dh wants a sit down with everyone tonight to discuss options, does anyone have any bright ideas?

The atmosphere in the house is really awful atm.
So as not to drip feed:
Dd1 18, dd2 14, dd3 12
Housing association house.
I’m disabled so hobbling the stairs just to go to the toilet is killing me. Dd1 is barely staying here 2-3 days a week (probably because of the atmosphere!) She has a boyfriend of a year so stays at his mostly, but they are painting her new room so may stay here more once that’s done. She works too.
Obviously lockdown has everyone feeling down and trapped and pretty shit tbh.
Dh is taking a lot of his feelings out on me (I know he doesn’t mean it) and accused me of not caring how he feels, that’s not true, I just really wish I could come up with something that could keep everyone happy. It really is tearing a rift between us.

OP posts:
StartingGrid · 21/02/2021 16:50

May have read far too much into this, but why did your DD move out on her own at age 17? That's incredibly young for nowadays. Is there more to the atmosphere than just the lack of space?

Why should your husband get to take over the family living space with an ensemble of instruments, is he a one man band? And why does your main concern appear to be his mental health, when you have physical disabilities to try to contend with - does he give your pain any consideration?

BlueThistles · 21/02/2021 16:50

hang on... so DH monopolised the living room for himself as a 'Music' room 😳

WTAF ....

Im changing my mind... let Him move out 🤔

Suzi888 · 21/02/2021 16:50

That’s a shame, you seem overcrowded! Could the council help 18 year old with housing? Hmm could be tricky! Has she looked at renting privately? I know that may be too expensive depending where you live.
Do you have a garden OP... big enough to erect a summer house or similar? I realise that may not be financially viable or practical at all by the way. Just trying to think of a quick fix man cave/second living area.

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Families
Br1ll1ant · 21/02/2021 16:51

DD1 sleeps in the living room on a sofa bed and keeps her stuff in her sisters room - maybe using it a bit as a space for herself during the day?

JosephineBaker · 21/02/2021 16:54

Bulk if DD1's stuff goes in storage, some she can keep in DD2's room. DD1 gets a pull out bed in the living room.

You get your bedroom back, for your own mobility issues as much as anything else. DD2 and DD3 give up a bit of storage space to accommodate DD1's essentials.

Not fair on poor DD2 to have spent her own money on a double bed once her sister left home and havr to give it up. And DD1's working or with boyfriend regularly, so she'll manage in the short term.

katmarie · 21/02/2021 16:55

Rather than looking for 4 bed houses to move to, look for houses with a living toom and dining room, or even just a bigger garden where you could put a storage shed.

Also oldest dd can store some stuff at her boyfriends, or pay for a storage unit.

Original poster
Helpourhome · 21/02/2021 16:55

I didn’t consider a sofa bed in the living room for dd1, I’ll put that forward to dh. I’ve asked him if we can talk over a few options together before we sit as a family so we have a united front so to speak. So either dd1 in living room, dd1 share with dd2 or splitting living room with a stud wall for dd2 & 3 (most work, cost and upheaval with that last one). Dd3 couldn’t share a room as besides her autism she also has a lot of medical supplies and needs through the night care, she’d be a nightmare sharing with dd2.

I do feel for dh, I really do and the last thing I want to happen is him to leave, but a lot of changes need to be made and we all need to be willing to do it.

Thank you all for the advice, honestly, I need to have a hard look at myself too, stop being a walkover and trying to make everyone happy because all I’m doing is making dh and I miserable!

I thought the loft could make a good music room/getaway for dh as there’s just enough space there but it would cost too much to get floored and electric up there.

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 21/02/2021 16:56

Meet the needs of those with disabilities. Dd3 gets a room. You get a room on the same floor as the loo to meet your needs. This also meets dh's mental health needs.

Then discuss solutions with the other two. Boyfriend doesn't get to stay over. She can meet at his.

Partitioning the living room might work. Possibly with furniture down the middle? You could add extra height to a book case/wardrobe/cupboard, say, by adding a bit of plywood to the back to reach the ceiling

BlackeyedSusan · 21/02/2021 16:59

If dh can get some beam hangers, beams and chip wood flooring it could be used as storage for dd's stuff. Can't put it straight on the joists.

NewYearNewTwatName · 21/02/2021 17:00

I do agree with your DH, why is DD1 painting the bedroom? it sounds like she moved out then moved back in and now runs the roost.

Sofa bed in the living room, put away for the day so everyone gets somewhere to go, DH needs to loosen his grip on the "music room" and make it more welcoming to the rest of the family.

You and DH should and need to have your old bedroom back. DD1 needs taking down a peg or two. She's out of the house working and away part of the week, she can't upset the living arrangements of the rest of the family who are stuck there 24/7.

DD1s moving back in has effected you especially since you struggle with stairs getting to and from the bathroom. It's insane that you are not even thinking of yourself in all this aswell as your DH mental health.

So look at priorities.

for 4 people
Physical difficulties.
Mental health issues.
family stuck in their designated rooms 24/7

Vs

1 person
Physically able
mental health fine.
lots of time not using room as
getting out the house to work
staying out and overnight with boyfriend plenty times a week.

looks pretty heavily weighted one way doesn't it really?

Original poster
Helpourhome · 21/02/2021 17:01

@StartingGrid

May have read far too much into this, but why did your DD move out on her own at age 17? That's incredibly young for nowadays. Is there more to the atmosphere than just the lack of space?

Why should your husband get to take over the family living space with an ensemble of instruments, is he a one man band? And why does your main concern appear to be his mental health, when you have physical disabilities to try to contend with - does he give your pain any consideration?

Yeah it’s not been a happy home for a while if I’m honest. My disabilities have had a huge impact on everyone (I was in hospital 5 years ago for months and then bed bound for the better part of a year after that, only for the past year have I been able to just manage stairs - before I was stuck on the one floor) also issues with youngest dd,atmosphere, sharing with dd2 and lack of space! Feel a right failure of a mum saying this but no point lying about it now, it’s been a complete shit show.
OP posts:
Whythesadface · 21/02/2021 17:03

Your DD1 isn't paying the rent, yet you have effectively given over the house to her, Everyone else is held hostage to someone who isn't living there full time, just you wait next step will be BF moving in, as it's cheaper don't you know.
Let's be honest your DH is resentful as before he held the Living room as his and was the Alpha.
It's time to rearrange everything, for your whole Family.
Get a shed, let your DH have that, to store his things, and use as a man cave.
Reclaim your Bedroom and your Lounge.
DD1 gets a Sofa bed, for when she is home,
Maybe have a screen so she can not be seem when in bed, so you can be down stairs when she is in bed, use the rooms you have to create places for everyone to have alone time.

Original poster
Helpourhome · 21/02/2021 17:03

@NewYearNewTwatName

I do agree with your DH, why is DD1 painting the bedroom? it sounds like she moved out then moved back in and now runs the roost.

Sofa bed in the living room, put away for the day so everyone gets somewhere to go, DH needs to loosen his grip on the "music room" and make it more welcoming to the rest of the family.

You and DH should and need to have your old bedroom back. DD1 needs taking down a peg or two. She's out of the house working and away part of the week, she can't upset the living arrangements of the rest of the family who are stuck there 24/7.

DD1s moving back in has effected you especially since you struggle with stairs getting to and from the bathroom. It's insane that you are not even thinking of yourself in all this aswell as your DH mental health.

So look at priorities.

for 4 people
Physical difficulties.
Mental health issues.
family stuck in their designated rooms 24/7

Vs

1 person
Physically able
mental health fine.
lots of time not using room as
getting out the house to work
staying out and overnight with boyfriend plenty times a week.

looks pretty heavily weighted one way doesn't it really?

You’re 100% right. Don’t know why I’m so scared of speaking up and putting my foot down.
OP posts:
StartingGrid · 21/02/2021 17:04

Im sorry you've had such a crap time of it Sad it sounds like a lot to contend with.

Has your DH been supportive thoughout this time? How were things when your DD was living away?

Chimoia · 21/02/2021 17:05

You don't need to solve this, do what dh said and talk about it all together. I vote for Dd1 in the living room with a fold up sofa bed and a box for her things, and a music shed/man cave for dh when you can afford one.

Chanandlerbong01 · 21/02/2021 17:08

Let us know how it all goes when you discuss it.

saraclara · 21/02/2021 17:12

If DD hadn't moved ut for those few months, she'd still be sharing with her sister. So why is that suddenly untenable?

It's absolutely ridiculous that you've put her first since she came back. She either looks for somewhere else, or she shares with her DSis. If she's gained a lot of stuff, it can go into storage. Maybe you know someone with room in their garage for a few boxes? I'm storing stuff for a friend in exactly the same situation. It's no biggie.

For goodness' sake, put your DH first. I couldn't live like you are. Maybe you can cope with it but he can't. Your DD1 is being really selfish. No way would my daughter (who returned home after a breakup) expect or allow me to have done what you're doing.

NewYearNewTwatName · 21/02/2021 17:13

Just read your update Flowers
I'm sorry for what you have been through, and it makes me more annoyed that your DD1 is happy to have her mum struggle so much, and your DH thought it fine to take over the living room for his personal use.

Everyone else is held hostage to someone who isn't living there full time, just you wait next step will be BF moving in, as it's cheaper don't you know

Definitely bear this in mind ^ I can also see this coming up soon.

saraclara · 21/02/2021 17:16

Oh, and if you get your living room back, it's to be a family room. Not just for your DH's music. No wonder there's an atmosphere if there's nowhere where you can be relaxed as a family.

Whythesadface · 21/02/2021 17:16

To have your Bedroom back, with the Toilet and the Kitchen will improve your own life Please think of this as well, you deserve a bit of luxury.

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/02/2021 17:19

I really feel for you but it seems to me your priorities have always been a bit odd.

Priority 1 - person with physical disabilities meaning stairs are difficult. They need to be in a bedroom near a loo.

Priority 2 - child with autism(?)

Priority 3 - reducing mental health issues for everyone. Probably with each person having to cope with something they don't like

Priority 74 - hobbies than mean other people have to suffer. By this I mainly mean taking over all the shared space for music.

It's not ideal sharing with a little sister is much less of a compromise than you having no proper bedroom and problems using the stairs.

Completelyunassertive · 21/02/2021 17:20

Can DD1 move in with her boyfriend? Is that something that's on the cards in the near future at all?

Tal45 · 21/02/2021 17:21

It feels like they are all expecting you to do some magic and sort this out wonderfully otherwise you'll get the blame when someone/everyone still isn't happy. No one seems to be worrying about you at all, you are the one worrying about all of them, they all seem to be pretty selfish IMO.

ElizaLaLa · 21/02/2021 17:22

@Helpourhome

I think it was suggested that dd1 have the living room when she first moved back but dhs music stuff wouldn’t fit in our bedroom either. Argh I’m honestly pulling my hair out here. Not meaning to dismiss any suggestions, they’re all helpful.
You can't all have a dedicated bedroom for all your stuff.

Dd1 sleeps in the living room with it being used as a living room during the day and keeps her stuff in dd2 and dd3's rooms, or moves out full time 🤷‍♀️

Or 2 share.

Springsnake · 21/02/2021 17:23

Well op
Your not the only family in this situation
We are the same ,we have no lounge ,dd has it as a bedroom,we have nowhere to sit ,it’s like MHO

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