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Original poster

Should dh suffer or should my kids share a room again?

170 replies

Helpourhome · 21/02/2021 15:38

This is very outing so I’ve changed name, really hoping someone can help, although I’m fully prepared to be flamed.

Last year our eldest dd moved out and into her own rented flat. Things didn’t work out, she was depressed her job was on the line so we said she could move back in with us once her 6 month lease was up. Before she moved out she shared with dd2 which was a struggle and cramped for space. When she moved back in with us we gave her our room, and we moved our bed into the living room, essentially giving up having a living room at all.

This has had a real detrimental affect on dhs mental health. He is severely depressed and feels trapped in his bedroom, nowhere to go, and he has got to the point where he’s said if nothing changes then he can’t go on like this and it’s going to break us, he’ll have to end up moving out.

Now our house has a really weird set up. Large living room (now our bedroom) on the bottom floor. Middle floor has our old bedroom (now dd1s) shower room and kitchen. Top floor has dd1s bedroom, dd2s bedroom and bathroom.

I’m reluctant to make them share again, the bedrooms on the top floor have slanted roofs and due to this can be rather cramped. For the first time dd2 has her own room and her own space. Dd3 is autistic so can’t share. I’m worried that to help dhs mental health I’ll be making my dds mental health worse. I feel so torn as to what to do. Dh wants a sit down with everyone tonight to discuss options, does anyone have any bright ideas?

The atmosphere in the house is really awful atm.
So as not to drip feed:
Dd1 18, dd2 14, dd3 12
Housing association house.
I’m disabled so hobbling the stairs just to go to the toilet is killing me. Dd1 is barely staying here 2-3 days a week (probably because of the atmosphere!) She has a boyfriend of a year so stays at his mostly, but they are painting her new room so may stay here more once that’s done. She works too.
Obviously lockdown has everyone feeling down and trapped and pretty shit tbh.
Dh is taking a lot of his feelings out on me (I know he doesn’t mean it) and accused me of not caring how he feels, that’s not true, I just really wish I could come up with something that could keep everyone happy. It really is tearing a rift between us.

OP posts:
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 21/02/2021 17:55

Your DH sounds worse than your DD1! At least she has got the excuse of being 18. What kind of man deprives his wife and 3 kids of any living space so that he can have a music room? Sorry, OP, but what an utter wanker!

The living room needs to be a shared family space. Your DH either does his music in the bedroom when you're not in it (which will presumably be most of the time, if you get your living room back) or in the living room at times when the family aren't using it.

eeyore228 · 21/02/2021 17:56

So the 18 yr old moved out, has now moved in, had your room, left you and DH to take the living room whilst she's actually redecorated YOUR room? I'm with your DH, I mean I would have my DD home in a heartbeat if she needed it, but redecorating your parent's room just seems so cheeky! It makes it seem so permanent. In ordinary circumstances it might not seem so bad but with lockdown I think most people would get hacked off. I agree that she should take the living room. Your DH and you need privacy and it shouldn't be made last priority when you're helping your DD out.

WaterBottle123 · 21/02/2021 17:58

@BlueThistles

hang on... so DH monopolised the living room for himself as a 'Music' room 😳

WTAF ....

Im changing my mind... let Him move out 🤔

@BlueThistles

You're right. This thread is really sad, OP isn't allowed to consider her own needs at all. And the husband sounds incredibly selfish occupying the only living space for his hobby,

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
PixiKitKat · 21/02/2021 17:59

DD1 needs to sort through her stuff and see what she actually needs for those 2-3 days she's at your house and put the rest in boxes in the attic. Then she can sleep in the living room on a sofa bed.

SandlakeRd · 21/02/2021 18:00

You say the living room is large and could be partitioned but that one room would have to be accessed via another?

Could a small single room be created for DD1 and then the rest of the space remain the living room? You get your room back and DD2 and 3 stay as is.

DH will have minimise his music “needs” and DD1 put some stuff in storage if needed. The living room is for everyone!

When DD1 moved out for good the living room can be put back to one room if the the smaller living room works it could even be a music room for DH?

Pranct · 21/02/2021 18:05

18 yo should have really seen the unfairness of the current set up in the first place. You shouldn’t have to hobble. Your bedroom should be part time haven for anyone. Not part time - the space is such a valuable area for the well being of you all so you and husband should be back in their no question

Pranct · 21/02/2021 18:06

Shouldn’t be

Pranct · 21/02/2021 18:07

There even!

Tickledtrout · 21/02/2021 18:08

How about some sort of shed/ music room/ office for your husband to use during the day?
You seem to be the one who's supposed to square the circle here. He's a parent too and unless there's more ( dd3's ASD? Is there a family link to his side?) he's as responsible as you are for fixing it.
I agree that your eldest daughter needs to feel she has a home with you. She's young to be throwing her lot in with her boyfriend's family; she needs an easy way out if and when that relationship cools.

Winter2020 · 21/02/2021 18:09

I think you should go back to the original set up for now. Your eldest daughter is only at home for two or three nights a week after all. Perhaps you could get a highsleeper with a double bed space at the bottom and single on top which your middle daughter could use the double when elder daughter isn't there. Eldest's boyfriend can't stay over of course as sharing but she can stay at his so that's no big deal.

In the longer term could you ask your housing association if they would consider adapting your house due to your needs and DD3. Could the ground floor be split into 2 bedrooms and a shower room? If you had one of those rooms and child 3 you could help them if needed in the night and have a loo on hand in the night. The middle floor could have a living room on the same level as the kitchen and the other 2 kids have the attic rooms.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 21/02/2021 18:14

People need to remember Ha house so op can't go putting up
Partitions etc without permission

Spudlet · 21/02/2021 18:17

I moved back home after university and didn’t want to share with my sister anymore - so I slept on the sofabed. During the day I took all bedding back to our nominally shared room which is also where my stuff lived, and left everywhere tidy. It wasn’t ideal but it was the only solution that came near to working. So I know what it’s like to be in a smaller than ideal house!

I think dd1 needs to do something similar - her essential stuff will need to live in one of her sister’s rooms with the understanding that she must be allowed to access it, and use that bedroom to get changed and so on. Anything else goes into the attic if you have one or into storage.

It is insane that you op, with a disability, is left hobbling around without easy and pain free access to a bathroom. You can’t carry on like this.

SandlakeRd · 21/02/2021 18:21

She can’t make permanent adjustments but could use some temporary room divider type things so the house can be put back to its original condition very easily.

BlueThistles · 21/02/2021 18:23

OP you must be demented

Tambourinetunes · 21/02/2021 18:23

If you end up splitting the living room I have seen Pax wardrobes used as a room divider effectively, that would provide storage and draw a line between areas to give some privacy

PullTheBricksDown · 21/02/2021 18:24

Definitely try to make more use of the loft, either for husband's music stuff or storing eldest daughter's stuff. And you need a better deal in all this! Everyone else has had choices. You didn't ask to be disabled!

babba2014 · 21/02/2021 18:24

I thought home swaps were open? The groups for home swap are very active. Although I know it's hard to find a swap because of the way everything is set up.

I think both DD1 and your husband have to compromise. She's hardly home so she should sleep on a sofa bed. Whether the music stuff fits in there or not is a separate issue. If it doesn't fit he needs to work a way and so does DD1 with all her stuff.
We live in a small home with just one living room and it means we can't have a lot of what others have. It's a compromise we have to make. I'm the one who likes stuff but I can't get upset over it as it is what it is.

Make sure that living room is for everyone though otherwise it's selfish he wants an entire room just for his equipment.

Loveitorlistitlover · 21/02/2021 18:26

So on the nights that your dd isn’t there her bedroom is lying empty while you are stuck in the living room?
There’s no way I would put up with this.
It sounds awful for you op, I think the best solution for your dd is a sofa bed in the living room

CKBJ · 21/02/2021 18:26

DP seems unfair to be using lounge as a music room! He needs to find himself an office type space away from the home. This may have a positive effect on his mental health. I feel more sorry for DD1. She needs to contact the council and be put on emergency housing list. In meantime she’ll have to sleep in lounge.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 21/02/2021 18:27

@donewithitalltodayandxmas

People need to remember Ha house so op can't go putting up Partitions etc without permission
Partitions don't need to be permanent. You can put up 6-7 foot screens, or use furniture to divide rooms quite easily.
Saladd0dger · 21/02/2021 18:27

I gave my bedroom to my children 5 years ago. Worst mistake of my life. Finally moved to a 3 bed 3 months ago and my mental state has improved dramatically. I’d get the girls sharing again

hansgrueber · 21/02/2021 18:30

The one who moved out is being allowed to dictate how the house is run, is she going to be allowed back forever? Let her sleep in the living room, she may make a greater effort to make her moving out work next time if there isn't a cosy safety net.

IloveFebruary · 21/02/2021 18:30

Dd1 is barely staying here 2-3 days a week
I aLao don’t understand why the whole household is compromising for someone who is there less then half the week.

I agree with those saying put a temp bed in the lounge for her that can be pushed against a wall or similar so everyone else can use the living room on the 4/5 days she isn’t there.

CattyCactus · 21/02/2021 18:33

@minipie

It sounds like you are putting yourself at the bottom of the pile to try to keep everyone happy... while they don’t consider you.

TBH I think it’s outrageous that DD1 has taken your bedroom knowing you struggle with the stairs. And I’m not sure why you let her repaint it either! So I do have some sympathy with your DH.

On the other hand your DH shouldn’t have annexed the living room as his music room. And yes he shouldn’t have agreed to this set up if he was going to complain about it, but perhaps you twisted his arm a little as you wanted to keep your DDs happy?

I would suggest

  • DD1 on sofa bed in living room. It is not her private space in the daytime, it’s the shared living room. If she wants time apart she goes to boyfriend or for a walk. Maybe one of her sisters will let her keep some of her stuff in their room.
  • You and DH go back to your bedroom
  • music stuff and DD1 excess stuff goes away (storage box in garden?) until lockdown is over - unless you’re willing for the music stuff to be in your bedroom
  • Schedule in time for yourself to get some time apart - perhaps in the garden or in your bedroom

Why are you so scared DD1 will leave again, when it’s clear her being home isn’t working?

Best of luck - you sound lovely but please start standing up for your own needs!!

I think this sounds like best / most practical solution for everyone
Pinkdelight3 · 21/02/2021 18:35

I didn’t consider a sofa bed in the living room for dd1

This speaks volumes to me. I thought it was bizarre that when people were suggesting sofa-bed in lounge, you came on to explain that you couldn't use a sofa bed because of your disability - as if it had crossed ANYONE's mind that it would be you using the sofa bed. And yet that's what you assumed - that you'd get the shitty deal and DD1 would get your bedroom. Quite apart from this issue, you need to get out of this mindset somehow. There's no planet on which you give up your room for a healthy 18yo who has partially moved out. She absolutely gets the sofa-bed and packs it away so the family can use the room in the day (not just your DH for his music). You get your room back (and some self-respect more importantly!) and the other two stay in their rooms. Music stuff and DD's stuff is the smallest issue to deal with and can be sorted with nifty storage solutions.

Re. the PP's comment, I don't think DD moving in with her partner is a solution that the OP should propose. They're very young and it's not a great solution. Better that she takes this time staying over here and there and getting her head together so she can house share again before too long.

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