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Original poster

Should dh suffer or should my kids share a room again?

170 replies

Helpourhome · 21/02/2021 15:38

This is very outing so I’ve changed name, really hoping someone can help, although I’m fully prepared to be flamed.

Last year our eldest dd moved out and into her own rented flat. Things didn’t work out, she was depressed her job was on the line so we said she could move back in with us once her 6 month lease was up. Before she moved out she shared with dd2 which was a struggle and cramped for space. When she moved back in with us we gave her our room, and we moved our bed into the living room, essentially giving up having a living room at all.

This has had a real detrimental affect on dhs mental health. He is severely depressed and feels trapped in his bedroom, nowhere to go, and he has got to the point where he’s said if nothing changes then he can’t go on like this and it’s going to break us, he’ll have to end up moving out.

Now our house has a really weird set up. Large living room (now our bedroom) on the bottom floor. Middle floor has our old bedroom (now dd1s) shower room and kitchen. Top floor has dd1s bedroom, dd2s bedroom and bathroom.

I’m reluctant to make them share again, the bedrooms on the top floor have slanted roofs and due to this can be rather cramped. For the first time dd2 has her own room and her own space. Dd3 is autistic so can’t share. I’m worried that to help dhs mental health I’ll be making my dds mental health worse. I feel so torn as to what to do. Dh wants a sit down with everyone tonight to discuss options, does anyone have any bright ideas?

The atmosphere in the house is really awful atm.
So as not to drip feed:
Dd1 18, dd2 14, dd3 12
Housing association house.
I’m disabled so hobbling the stairs just to go to the toilet is killing me. Dd1 is barely staying here 2-3 days a week (probably because of the atmosphere!) She has a boyfriend of a year so stays at his mostly, but they are painting her new room so may stay here more once that’s done. She works too.
Obviously lockdown has everyone feeling down and trapped and pretty shit tbh.
Dh is taking a lot of his feelings out on me (I know he doesn’t mean it) and accused me of not caring how he feels, that’s not true, I just really wish I could come up with something that could keep everyone happy. It really is tearing a rift between us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpourhome · 21/02/2021 16:02

@TierFourTears

I think this might not work due to the stairs, but could the living room be divided into 2 rooms for the girls to share, and the bedroom on the middle floor become the living room?
This seems like the only option so far.

Garden is a postage stamp!! Although I was looking at a caravan for the parking space but don’t think this would be allowed.

OP posts:
Hammonds · 21/02/2021 16:05

That would really depress me. Your dd has got to go back in with her sister.

user18467425798532 · 21/02/2021 16:05

No they're not lodgers as lodgers pay rent!

Hmm The point is this is their home too. You choose to have children you are choosing to make your home theirs. You don't spend their lives treating them like homeless vagrants who should just be grateful you haven't kicked them onto the streets.

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Families
Nellythemouse · 21/02/2021 16:10

Why didn’t it work out dd1 having her own flat? Was it because she didn’t like living alone and could it be resolved by moving into a shared house or sharing a flat with a mate?

What is your husband doing about his mental health? Lockdown has been hard for everyone but if it’s reaching the point of severe depression, threatening to leave your family etc then I assume he’s seeing a GP, taking any prescribed medication, going for daily exercise etc? The bedroom situation won’t help, but what else can he be doing about it in the meantime?

Moondust001 · 21/02/2021 16:10

I think I am tending towards, she wanted to come home and so everyone goes back to the original arrangement - she shares a room with her sister. It would be nice for everyone to have their own room and family / spare space. But you don't have enough rooms, so that isn't possible. DD1 isn't there a lot anyway, and honesty, if the arrangement isn't suitable and she wants her onw space again, then she needs to move out again! It seems to me that you are going out of your way to make everyone happy, and ending up making yourselves unhappy. There has to be some "perk" to being parents - getting to choose the living arrangements that suit you best won't kill any of the kids!

Hammonds · 21/02/2021 16:10

OP the fact your dd has a boyfriend shouldn’t even be a factor. She came back home so will have to bunk up with her sister. Why should she have the luxury of a room to herself especially if it’s making her dad want to leave! Does she know how he feels? Do you want your dh to leave?

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 21/02/2021 16:12

@user18467425798532

No they're not lodgers as lodgers pay rent!

Hmm The point is this is their home too. You choose to have children you are choosing to make your home theirs. You don't spend their lives treating them like homeless vagrants who should just be grateful you haven't kicked them onto the streets.

This is ridiculous. Asking someone to share a room with their sibling, when this is what they were doing before! Is hardly the same as kicking her out into the streets. It's good for the whole family to have a room to socialise in.
SplendidSuns1000 · 21/02/2021 16:13

DD1 in the living room- as she's working she could save up £80 to get a nice day bed which can be used as a sofa or single bed. At least then you get to use the living room as normal during the day and then you only have to go to bed when you want/if DD is going to sleep. Prioritise you and your DH's health as you're suffering right now. DD1 can use the living room for now until she is stable enough to move out again.

Hammonds · 21/02/2021 16:17

@user18467425798532

No they're not lodgers as lodgers pay rent!

Hmm The point is this is their home too. You choose to have children you are choosing to make your home theirs. You don't spend their lives treating them like homeless vagrants who should just be grateful you haven't kicked them onto the streets.

Sharing a bed room with a sibling is as old as time it’s self. There is no real hardship their.
supernova21 · 21/02/2021 16:21

DD1 to go back in with her sister. Presumably they managed with this set up before? It's not fair to demote her to the living room unless that's her preference.

BlueThistles · 21/02/2021 16:25

omg so DD1 had the entire first floor ... her own bedroom the kitchen and her own bathroom.. 🤔

whilst there is now no living room as that is now your bedroom Confused

and the girls are in their own bedrooms on the second floor 😳

okay...

Take back the living room space ...

DD1 moves upstairs to share with one of the siblings... or they younger ones share and DD1 has the other room on the second floor..

You and DH move back into your bedroom...

how you have allowed this ridiculous situation to happen is astounding... no wonder your husband is close to leaving...

Fix it TODAY 🌺

Grimbelina · 21/02/2021 16:33

Could DD1 start looking for a place near to you? Maybe rent a room in a houseshare nearby so she doesn't feel isolated and can come back as and when? Could you subsidise this if necessary? It isn't fair on your husband or DD2... or you if you are struggling to get up to the bathroom. It isn't sustainable and DD1 will need to find a new place in any case as you just don't have room.

Original poster
Helpourhome · 21/02/2021 16:35

Thank you everyone. You’re right, it’s ridiculous and I agree something has to give.

I just feel so bad and guilty with any solution. Dd2 used her birthday money to buy a double bed when dd1 moved out so if dd1 was to move back into that bedroom, dd2 would have to go back to a single and give up her space.
I feel horrible saying this but I am resenting dh, as I’m sure he is me. We made this decision together but he’s holding it against me. We never really had a proper living room to start with, it was his music room that we’d rarely be in as a family. He’s mad I let dd paint our old bedroom too.
I do honestly feel for him though, he is going through a lot and his mental health started a rapid decline at the start of lockdown. He has spoken to the gp many times and is on medication. He’s also awaiting a psychology appointment. He goes out for walks daily. Thing is I really am feeling it too, I can’t even go out for a walk to escape.

I feel so passive with all this, but I’m scared that making a decision will either make dh leave, or make dd1 leave again. They’re not getting on and the whole house is just on tenterhooks, it’s horrible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpourhome · 21/02/2021 16:36

Dd1 has only just turned 18, she was 17 when she moved out for those 6 months and she is only working part time just now - I don’t think she could afford a place on her own.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 21/02/2021 16:37

Could you move?

DeciduousPerennial · 21/02/2021 16:39

She’s there 2/3 nights a week max and out working. Turn the living room back into a living room, put a sofa bed in it FOR HER, and go back into your own bedroom!

yomellamoHelly · 21/02/2021 16:39

Put your dd's stuff in storage. Then she shares. (Or you put a shed in the garden - no matter how small it is - and store her stuff there.)
It's ridiculous that you're living like this. Then you move back into your room. It sounds like your dd has options. You don't.

Original poster
Helpourhome · 21/02/2021 16:40

@Suzi888

Could you move?
We’ve looked into this for the longest time, there doesn’t seem to be any 4 bedrooms available, and all home swaps have been suspended too. We can’t afford private rent.
OP posts:
Sally872 · 21/02/2021 16:41

Dd1 sofa bed in the living room as only there a few nights a week. Family have living room until bedtime. Full access on the nights she is away.

Stuff stored in Dd2s room, better than sharing altogether.

Not perfect but dd1 still benefiting from home support but not quite as convenient as it has been currently.

Sally872 · 21/02/2021 16:42

Or dd1 and dd2 share and at least dd2 would have room to herself a few nights per week. Dh isn't coping and that has to be a consideration too.

TheyIsMyFamily · 21/02/2021 16:43

Honestly? I'd wonder if DH would be better off moving out for a while.

Alternatively, DD1 should be in the living room with a sofa bed/murphy bed that is put away during the day. You're doing her a favour to the best of your ability. And I wouldn't allow DD1's boyfriend to stay over. DD1 is there because she had not place to go, and you vacated your own room for her and now there's no living space in the house for everyone. If she wants to sleep with him, she should go to his. Put her nonessential stuff in a shed and let her sleep in the living room for the nights she's at home. Ask for some clothing cupboard space in DD2's room for clothing for DD1, but otw, DD2 gets to keep her long longed-for space.

minipie · 21/02/2021 16:45

It sounds like you are putting yourself at the bottom of the pile to try to keep everyone happy... while they don’t consider you.

TBH I think it’s outrageous that DD1 has taken your bedroom knowing you struggle with the stairs. And I’m not sure why you let her repaint it either! So I do have some sympathy with your DH.

On the other hand your DH shouldn’t have annexed the living room as his music room. And yes he shouldn’t have agreed to this set up if he was going to complain about it, but perhaps you twisted his arm a little as you wanted to keep your DDs happy?

I would suggest

  • DD1 on sofa bed in living room. It is not her private space in the daytime, it’s the shared living room. If she wants time apart she goes to boyfriend or for a walk. Maybe one of her sisters will let her keep some of her stuff in their room.
  • You and DH go back to your bedroom
  • music stuff and DD1 excess stuff goes away (storage box in garden?) until lockdown is over - unless you’re willing for the music stuff to be in your bedroom
  • Schedule in time for yourself to get some time apart - perhaps in the garden or in your bedroom

Why are you so scared DD1 will leave again, when it’s clear her being home isn’t working?

Best of luck - you sound lovely but please start standing up for your own needs!!

Shaiva · 21/02/2021 16:46

I think the break down of your marriage will have longer lasting effects on the entire family that the annoyance off dd1 moving back in with dd2. If he did leave it would be quiet clear why he did and how are the dc supposed to get passed that - ‘you made dad leave’ will probably used in spite.

She’s 18 if she chooses to leave again - let her. But she shouldn’t be put before your marriage. ( unless you do want to split up)

She’s actually in a really fortunate position that she has a home to come back to where there is warmth food and a place to sleep. She doesn’t have to have a room to herself at the detriment of her parents marriage. And you also have to consider she’s probably going to want to move out again some time soon leaving you behind picking up the shards of your marriage.

It’s shit that they will have to share again. They will be pissed off. But your husband is not well with the current set up and I don’t blame him tbh

AngelDelightUK · 21/02/2021 16:46

Do you have a loft you could potentially convert?

I know you said DC3 won’t share, but if it’s only a couple of times a week could DD1 bribe her at all to?

Chanandlerbong01 · 21/02/2021 16:49

Your old room can be yours, the room dd used to share could be where her stuff is and she is allowed to share it during the day.... but she has a sofa bed in the living room?

Then everyone has somewhere to escape to during the day, she has the downstairs room of her boyfriend comes round - you could maybe have a deal that you will retreat to your rooms by 9 if she has company so they can have space.

I’m guessing there’s no garage or anything you could put some boards up in and let her paint that as her own day room?