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Original poster

Should dh suffer or should my kids share a room again?

170 replies

Helpourhome · 21/02/2021 15:38

This is very outing so I’ve changed name, really hoping someone can help, although I’m fully prepared to be flamed.

Last year our eldest dd moved out and into her own rented flat. Things didn’t work out, she was depressed her job was on the line so we said she could move back in with us once her 6 month lease was up. Before she moved out she shared with dd2 which was a struggle and cramped for space. When she moved back in with us we gave her our room, and we moved our bed into the living room, essentially giving up having a living room at all.

This has had a real detrimental affect on dhs mental health. He is severely depressed and feels trapped in his bedroom, nowhere to go, and he has got to the point where he’s said if nothing changes then he can’t go on like this and it’s going to break us, he’ll have to end up moving out.

Now our house has a really weird set up. Large living room (now our bedroom) on the bottom floor. Middle floor has our old bedroom (now dd1s) shower room and kitchen. Top floor has dd1s bedroom, dd2s bedroom and bathroom.

I’m reluctant to make them share again, the bedrooms on the top floor have slanted roofs and due to this can be rather cramped. For the first time dd2 has her own room and her own space. Dd3 is autistic so can’t share. I’m worried that to help dhs mental health I’ll be making my dds mental health worse. I feel so torn as to what to do. Dh wants a sit down with everyone tonight to discuss options, does anyone have any bright ideas?

The atmosphere in the house is really awful atm.
So as not to drip feed:
Dd1 18, dd2 14, dd3 12
Housing association house.
I’m disabled so hobbling the stairs just to go to the toilet is killing me. Dd1 is barely staying here 2-3 days a week (probably because of the atmosphere!) She has a boyfriend of a year so stays at his mostly, but they are painting her new room so may stay here more once that’s done. She works too.
Obviously lockdown has everyone feeling down and trapped and pretty shit tbh.
Dh is taking a lot of his feelings out on me (I know he doesn’t mean it) and accused me of not caring how he feels, that’s not true, I just really wish I could come up with something that could keep everyone happy. It really is tearing a rift between us.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 21/02/2021 20:17

I am mystified why DD1 and DD2 just aren't sharing. Why is this even a dilemma?

thevassal · 21/02/2021 20:19

@Calmdown14

I think people are being a little hard on dd1, she is only 18. It's lovely you've tried this but if it's not working, you need to try something else. Your suggestion of splitting the living room seems the most sensible. Yes it will require the most faff moving stuff but a weekend of work could be well worth it. You can get clever room dividers like this ]] which require little installation and could be strengthened a bit with clever placement of furniture.
All of this. I agree that DD1 should probably be the one in the living room but posters are being very harsh with the way they are talking about her - she was 17 when she moved out! That's so young today to be working full time and paying your own way. Her parents offered for her to come home so she did, she didn't demand anything... OP hasn't said she refused to go back into sharing with DD2 - it was more the fact there literally wasn't any space or a bed for her because it had gone from two singles to one double. She's out of the house because she has a job (good for her!) and a boyfriend - not exactly the crimes of the century.

Feel sorry for DD2 too, with all the posters blithely saying to chuck DD1 back in with her - poor girl having to buy a bed out of her birthday money, share a room with a sibling when the youngest has their own room, and now expected to sell that bed (for which she won't get a third of the money back) and give up her only private space, as well as covid meaning she won't have seen her friends for months, schooling will have suffered, etc.

Is anyone renting out rooms in houseshares M-F near you? That could be cheaper for DD1 to afford and then she could stay with you/her bf on the weekends which would be fine to sleep in the living room? You could even subsidise her a few quid a month if she can't quite afford it - could be cheaper than buying new beds/furniture etc.

OP it's a hard situation and you definitely sound like you've done your best for everyone so hope it works out.... Flowers Hopefully if lockdown eases DD1 &2 (and DH) will be able to get out a lot more in the next few months so won't need to spend as much time in the house which will make things easier for everyone.

TheMatryoshka · 21/02/2021 20:29

Your situation is so sad OP. I totally understand the bedroom/sharing issue but the thing that really stands out is that you are all used to having no communal space at all because of your husband's music room taking over the living room. It's so so wrong and it makes me feel claustrophobic just thinking about it! No wonder he is feeling down, he has been used to having a room of his own as well as the bedroom while the rest of you squash in. Do you all just sit in your bedrooms then? Awful!

It sounds like your financial situation isn't great and you're in a house that is far too small for your family. That's bad enough and I really feel for you. But your husband shouldn't get to monopolise a whole room in a tiny family house for his music. A dedicated music room is an absolute luxury even in a large home and it's so inappropriate for your family.

I really hope this thread gives you the strength to start putting yourself first, you sound like such a lovely person!

All the best with it Flowers

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TheMatryoshka · 21/02/2021 20:31

@SeasonFinale

I am mystified why DD1 and DD2 just aren't sharing. Why is this even a dilemma?
DD2 spent her birthday money on a double bed when her sister moved out, I totally get why OP doesn't want to make her get rid of it now. It's an impossibly difficult situation, she obviously loves all of her daughters very much and doesn't want anyone to feel pushed out
AlisonParker1 · 21/02/2021 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Weirdfan · 21/02/2021 20:34

The one thing that stands out to me in all this OP is that you, the one person who has mobility problems and physical needs in order to make your home liveable, is not being considered (let alone prioritised) by anyone in your household. The bloody lot of them need a kick up the arse and to stop being so bloody selfish frankly, sorry OP but I'm angry on your behalf Flowers

lalafafa · 21/02/2021 20:34

Your Dd is a cheeky mare not offering your room back

Keepitnerdy · 21/02/2021 20:39

Set up stud wall in living room with a bit of sound proofing, the much smaller side can be dd1 room anything that doesn't fit can be sold or stored. The other side would be the living room get husband to build some extra storage in the living room for any or his musical instruments he doesn't want to sell that won't fit in what will be his new music room when dd1 moves out.

Dd1 can buy herself a bed or sleep on a mattress on the floor. Sorted

Windchangeface · 21/02/2021 20:41

The people who provide the roof over the family's heads should NOT be the ones having to sleep in the living room, FFS

This really doesn’t apply when it’s parents paying the bills to house children they chose to have!
I’m fed up of seeing this attitude touted around MN that children should just consider themselves lucky not to be on the streets and become 100% self sufficient the moment they turn 18.

That’s not how it works. You have them you know what you’re getting into. They’re you’re children not your housemates or lodgers. Very different when you have 21 yo + ‘kids’ living at home. They are adults.

18 isn’t really an adult anymore. There’s very few non minimum wage opportunities and we are no longer built as a society to expect kids to be self sufficient at 18, which makes it horribly difficult for those who are forced into it. Most rentals will demand a guarantor even for a FT working 18yo which it doesn’t sound like the OP would qualify to do.

Also (not specific to these circumstances) but I find it hilarious that the ‘if you pay the rent you should make the rules’ argument is almost always made in cases where the OP is reliant on benefits and living in council/housing association (Likely because they have kids) so who really is paying the rent? Hmm

Lay the hell off DD1, having grown up myself in a difficult and poor home I know how much it sucks as a teen when you’re trying to climb out! Doesn’t sound like DD1 moved out for fun. It sounds awful.

MichelleScarn · 21/02/2021 20:42

I did read the post sara its the dd1 being treated like a 2nd class citizen l didn't get from your post. Why is she being treated like a 2nd class citizen to be either asked to share like she did previously, or sleep in the living room like her parents have been doing?

Keepitnerdy · 21/02/2021 20:43

When it's late DD1 can chill out in the living room and when she's away your DH can do some music. Pick one day a week for complete family time where there's no music and everyone can just watch TV etc

supernova21 · 21/02/2021 20:57

DD2 spent her birthday money on a double bed when her sister moved out, I totally get why OP doesn't want to make her get rid of it now.

I think this was a big mistake on OP's part. I would honestly be expecting a seventeen year old to move back in a some point, even if they said they wouldn't, especially given the current climate.

I would be reimbursing DD2 for the cost of the double bed to make it less unfair.

KILNAMATRA · 21/02/2021 21:02

Am I totally daft in asking can you move? If your disabilities are preventing you from a decent quality of life related to the layout of the house?

MichelleScarn · 21/02/2021 21:10

Oops sorry I meant super in my post!

MixedUpFiles · 21/02/2021 21:13

If dd1 isn’t in education then she needs to understand that living at home means making compromises. That means not imposing her boyfriend on the shared spaces and not complaining about having to share space.

BlueThistles · 21/02/2021 21:35

@Windchangeface

The people who provide the roof over the family's heads should NOT be the ones having to sleep in the living room, FFS

This really doesn’t apply when it’s parents paying the bills to house children they chose to have!
I’m fed up of seeing this attitude touted around MN that children should just consider themselves lucky not to be on the streets and become 100% self sufficient the moment they turn 18.

That’s not how it works. You have them you know what you’re getting into. They’re you’re children not your housemates or lodgers. Very different when you have 21 yo + ‘kids’ living at home. They are adults.

18 isn’t really an adult anymore. There’s very few non minimum wage opportunities and we are no longer built as a society to expect kids to be self sufficient at 18, which makes it horribly difficult for those who are forced into it. Most rentals will demand a guarantor even for a FT working 18yo which it doesn’t sound like the OP would qualify to do.

Also (not specific to these circumstances) but I find it hilarious that the ‘if you pay the rent you should make the rules’ argument is almost always made in cases where the OP is reliant on benefits and living in council/housing association (Likely because they have kids) so who really is paying the rent? Hmm

Lay the hell off DD1, having grown up myself in a difficult and poor home I know how much it sucks as a teen when you’re trying to climb out! Doesn’t sound like DD1 moved out for fun. It sounds awful.

Blimey oh limey ..... 😳

NettleTea · 22/02/2021 08:49

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Embroideredstars · 22/02/2021 10:51

You and dh back in your own room asap.

Dd1 has sofa bed in living room, that becomes a living room in the day. No way should she have the main ensuite room if most of the week she is at bf house.

I feel for you all as it sounds like existing not living. But at 18 your dd shouldcrealise she makes the compromises as she is the one most likely to move on first. Younger dc and you and dh need to feel like you're living in your home.

RandomMess · 22/02/2021 13:16

@NettleTea I have since looked it up, it's shocking.

Although had she not already moved in she may have been able to argue that she couldn't go back!

BlueThistles · 24/02/2021 13:05

what did you decide to do OP 🌺

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