Should dh suffer or should my kids share a room again?

[Helpourhome]

This is very outing so I’ve changed name, really hoping someone can help, although I’m fully prepared to be flamed.

Last year our eldest dd moved out and into her own rented flat. Things didn’t work out, she was depressed her job was on the line so we said she could move back in with us once her 6 month lease was up. Before she moved out she shared with dd2 which was a struggle and cramped for space. When she moved back in with us we gave her our room, and we moved our bed into the living room, essentially giving up having a living room at all.

This has had a real detrimental affect on dhs mental health. He is severely depressed and feels trapped in his bedroom, nowhere to go, and he has got to the point where he’s said if nothing changes then he can’t go on like this and it’s going to break us, he’ll have to end up moving out.

Now our house has a really weird set up. Large living room (now our bedroom) on the bottom floor. Middle floor has our old bedroom (now dd1s) shower room and kitchen. Top floor has dd1s bedroom, dd2s bedroom and bathroom.

I’m reluctant to make them share again, the bedrooms on the top floor have slanted roofs and due to this can be rather cramped. For the first time dd2 has her own room and her own space. Dd3 is autistic so can’t share. I’m worried that to help dhs mental health I’ll be making my dds mental health worse. I feel so torn as to what to do. Dh wants a sit down with everyone tonight to discuss options, does anyone have any bright ideas?

The atmosphere in the house is really awful atm.
So as not to drip feed:
Dd1 18, dd2 14, dd3 12
Housing association house.
I’m disabled so hobbling the stairs just to go to the toilet is killing me. Dd1 is barely staying here 2-3 days a week (probably because of the atmosphere!) She has a boyfriend of a year so stays at his mostly, but they are painting her new room so may stay here more once that’s done. She works too.
Obviously lockdown has everyone feeling down and trapped and pretty shit tbh.
Dh is taking a lot of his feelings out on me (I know he doesn’t mean it) and accused me of not caring how he feels, that’s not true, I just really wish I could come up with something that could keep everyone happy. It really is tearing a rift between us.

I think people are being a little hard on dd1, she is only 18. It's lovely you've tried this but if it's not working, you need to try something else.
Your suggestion of splitting the living room seems the most sensible. Yes it will require the most faff moving stuff but a weekend of work could be well worth it. You can get clever room dividers like this www.amazon.co.uk/Kernorv-Hanging-Partiton-Seperator-Decorative/dp/B078X8S2XT/ref=asc_df_B078X8S2XT/?hvlocphy=9046874&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=309827245646&hvpone&hvlocint&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-439055740450&hvrand=17456499130686019864 which require little installation and could be strengthened a bit with clever placement of furniture.

Absolutely crazy that DD1 has your bedroom and has painted it!!!

Get it back and get a sofa bed for the living room.

If DD1 has too much stuff she needs to rent a storage unit.

Once all that's done, DH mustn't take over the living room again, it must be a shared space.

It sounds really difficult. I can see your husband's point. I have 3 sons and a husband and if they were all at home I'd hate not having somewhere to escape the testosterone. Your husband probably feels something similar.

I mean this inoffensively. You're waaaay overthinking the situation.
The arrangement prior to your elder daughter moving out clearly worked. Your husband wasn't feeling so low and you were able to cope physically.

There's no discussion to be had. Your 18 year old goes back to sharing with her sister and you get your bedroom, privacy, space, and sanity back.

Could you divide the livingroom, half for DD1 half living room. The rest of you keep your rooms. No one has to walk through anyone's bedroom, if DD1 leaves easy to change everything back.

Surely DD1 would be eligible for UC including housing element for a room in a shared house?

@hansgrueber

The one who moved out is being allowed to dictate how the house is run, is she going to be allowed back forever? Let her sleep in the living room, she may make a greater effort to make her moving out work next time if there isn't a cosy safety net.

That's such an awful way to treat DD1. Pushing her out like that when she's only eighteen. I agree the OP needs to put down firm boundaries, but it's DD1s family home too and she shouldn't be treated like a second class citizen like some are suggesting. Is the OP going to do the same with the other two DDs once they turn eighteen? No, I doubt it. Why shouldn't an eighteen year old have a cosy safety net of their family home when they are just starting out in the world? There was a thread on here the other day about a converting a eighteen year olds room when they went to uni and the OP got absolutely flamed. I find the differing responses on here strange. OP, take your room back and let the children share.

Do you have a garden? If so get a shed and any excess stuff for everyone can go in there

I agree you take back your bedroom, Dd1 then either goes back to sharing with dd2, especially if she is not there a lot, or goes into a sofa bed in the lounge, fir sleeping only, the rest of the time it’s a lounge, perhaps sharing a wardrobe in either your room or dd2 room for her clothes

If dd1 shares with dd2 then obviously the boyfriend can’t stay, and they simply meet in either the lounge or kitchen

An intelligent multi purpose wallbed is the way to go. One idea here.

You can get others that become a sofa during the day or a bookcase. Some very elegant solutions out there. Have a google OP, if you spend a little money wisely it will be cheaper than splitting up or moving and solve your problem at a stroke. Later you will have the advantage of a decent guest bed.

You need to sleep on the middle floor near the shower room. Could you split the living room into two in some way to make an extra bedroom? Even if the bedroom has to open off the living room and use a temporary partition it would be better than nothing.

I think DD1 may have learnt her sense of 'OP approved entitlement' from her Father.... 🤔

He had .. up until DD1's return.. commandeered the living room as his 'Music room' ...

OP for your own sanity... and mental well being .. you need to restore the balance in your home...

and take back control of the room for their designed purpose 🌺

I can't quite believe you let her paint your room. WTAF. Why are you referring to it as 'her new room'? Surely this was only ever a temporary measure?

You need to sort this out now so you have step-free access to your bathroom - you're barely coping with the stairs now, what if your symptoms get worse again? This is bang out of order.

I sympathise with your dd2 who has saved up her own money for a double bed. DD1 is the one who is there the least and so should be in the living room. It's irrelevant whether all her stuff is in the same place or easily accessible - ditto DH.

I also do sympathise with your DH wanting his own space. There is just no way to accommodate that in the house at the moment. So I would be working out a rota where you both get some alone time in your room. Is it worth reviving the idea of the caravan on the drive as a place to use during the day?

Another link.

www.wallbeds.co.uk/product-category/complete-systems-furniture-mechanisms/

There are also some great American suppliers if you feel adventurous.

could you store her stuff in daughters room but let her sleep in living room on pull out sofa when need be? and take back your own room for sure

You were a bit quick off the mark letting DD buy a double bed...however I sympathise. But they have to share...you can't be splitting your living room in two! Things aren't always as we want them to be when we're teens....it's a case of tough luck.

You could partition the living room so that DD1 could have part of it as her bedroom/storage space and have the other half of the room as the living room. Then you at DH move back in to your old bedroom. That way DD2 and DD3 don't have to move rooms and so it reduces the upheaval.

You have 3 bedrooms and 3 DD. 2 of them need to share. I agree with your DH you need a living room.

@Fckingfuming

Bed example...

That looks awful. Very uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to sleep on that.

but it's DD1s family home too and she shouldn't be treated like a second class citizen

Who pays the rent and the bills for this house?
The people who provide the roof over the family's heads should NOT be the ones having to sleep in the living room, FFS.

DD chose to leave home, then changed her mind. She only spends 3 or 3 nights a week in OP's home. She is not #1 priority in this situation.

I would sit down as a family, set out the issues and say a solution has to be achieved. You might be surprised at what the children may be willing to compromise on for the good of the whole or they might come up with a solution you haven’t thought of.

but it's DD1s family home too and she shouldn't be treated like a second class citizen

But everyone else is ok to compromise?

I’ve read all your comments and it seems like you feel for everyone but yourself. Is anyone in your family putting you, and your disability, first? You even put your DH’s instruments before yourself.

@saraclara

but it's DD1s family home too and she shouldn't be treated like a second class citizen

Who pays the rent and the bills for this house?
The people who provide the roof over the family's heads should NOT be the ones having to sleep in the living room, FFS.

DD chose to leave home, then changed her mind. She only spends 3 or 3 nights a week in OP's home. She is not #1 priority in this situation.

She's eighteen. You cannot expect them to be fully independent at that age. Not in this current climate.

I already said OP and her DH should take their room back. I don't think they should have given their room up in the first place! I just don't like how people are suggesting DD1 doesn't have a right to be there; that she should sleep on some flimsy sofa bed with no privacy or choice as to when she goes to bed, store all her belongings in a shed, ask her younger ds if they'd be so kind to take some of her stuff in their room then maybe next time she moves out she'll be gone for good....

As for only staying there afew nights a week, the OP admitted there is an atmosphere so can't really blame her. Maybe if they find a solution that works for everyone there will be less of an atmosphere and she might stay more nights.

Anyway I wish OP the best in this rubbish situation and hope she considers her own needs as a priority in the future. Like I said.. definitely get your old room back. 😊

@MichelleScarn

but it's DD1s family home too and she shouldn't be treated like a second class citizen But everyone else is ok to compromise?

Not what I said at all. You're quoting a tiny bit of my previous post to make it sound like I think dd1 should take priority. Go back and read my previous post. I said OP needs to make herself the priority and claim her room back, and that she needs to set firm boundaries for DD1 who can go back to sharing with her sister.

Could the living room be split into 2. Larger side for dd2 with her double bed and other side for dd1 when she's there.

Then second floor as your bedroom and kitchen as per before.

Then have the top floor as dd3 room and then the other room for dh music and space for you both?

Is the kitchen big enough for a butterfly table that's pulled out for you all to eat at?

Also if downstairs is the whole floor space is it not big enough to become 2 bedrooms and another space as a small lounge?