Should dh suffer or should my kids share a room again?

[Helpourhome]

This is very outing so I’ve changed name, really hoping someone can help, although I’m fully prepared to be flamed.

Last year our eldest dd moved out and into her own rented flat. Things didn’t work out, she was depressed her job was on the line so we said she could move back in with us once her 6 month lease was up. Before she moved out she shared with dd2 which was a struggle and cramped for space. When she moved back in with us we gave her our room, and we moved our bed into the living room, essentially giving up having a living room at all.

This has had a real detrimental affect on dhs mental health. He is severely depressed and feels trapped in his bedroom, nowhere to go, and he has got to the point where he’s said if nothing changes then he can’t go on like this and it’s going to break us, he’ll have to end up moving out.

Now our house has a really weird set up. Large living room (now our bedroom) on the bottom floor. Middle floor has our old bedroom (now dd1s) shower room and kitchen. Top floor has dd1s bedroom, dd2s bedroom and bathroom.

I’m reluctant to make them share again, the bedrooms on the top floor have slanted roofs and due to this can be rather cramped. For the first time dd2 has her own room and her own space. Dd3 is autistic so can’t share. I’m worried that to help dhs mental health I’ll be making my dds mental health worse. I feel so torn as to what to do. Dh wants a sit down with everyone tonight to discuss options, does anyone have any bright ideas?

The atmosphere in the house is really awful atm.
So as not to drip feed:
Dd1 18, dd2 14, dd3 12
Housing association house.
I’m disabled so hobbling the stairs just to go to the toilet is killing me. Dd1 is barely staying here 2-3 days a week (probably because of the atmosphere!) She has a boyfriend of a year so stays at his mostly, but they are painting her new room so may stay here more once that’s done. She works too.
Obviously lockdown has everyone feeling down and trapped and pretty shit tbh.
Dh is taking a lot of his feelings out on me (I know he doesn’t mean it) and accused me of not caring how he feels, that’s not true, I just really wish I could come up with something that could keep everyone happy. It really is tearing a rift between us.

Another vote for expecting boyfriend to move in. I'm going to assume, although you haven't said as much, that if you have struggled yourself with health and disability, and DD3 has needed so much support, that DH must have been doing much of this? If so, I could understand why the music space had been so important to him. I know several people have said they think he's selfish, but I suspect from your description that his mental health may indeed be very bad if he's been coping with all this.

I thought the loft could make a good music room/getaway for dh as there’s just enough space there but it would cost too much to get floored and electric up there.

great idea.. and way more rational than my 'let him leave' suggestion 🤣

Your DD1 isn't paying the rent, yet you have effectively given over the house to her, Everyone else is held hostage to someone who isn't living there full time, just you wait next step will be BF moving in, as it's cheaper don't you know.

Agreed 😳

OP you sound absolutely lovely... but it's time to find your Voice ... you call the a family meeting.. and have a united front with DH... and tell DD1 this is not working for any of us.. it's simply not fair to us all as a family.. so here's what we are going to do... TODAY 🌺

Absolutely crazy you should be in the lounge. In your position I would put it back to the way it was before. Tough luck on anybody that it doesn't suit.

You need your bedroom back. It's absolutely bonkers to me that you gave up your private space to give in to your adult daughter.

Is the living room big enough to divide in two, even if you just divide it with furniture down the middle? If so, what I'd do is put the children in the living room with a makeshift divider down the middle - then, you and DH go back in your room, DD3 keeps her smaller room, and DD2's old room becomes the living room.

That way, you can stay in your bedroom if necessary with access to food and a bathroom, and DH can go upstairs to play his music. DD3 keeps her space, and the older two will just have to cope with the shared living room.

2 of our kids have autism and can’t share ,house to small ,2 floors of bedrooms ,garage kitchen on bottom floor .can’t afford to move ,I’ve had to be SAHM because of kids with autism not being in school

DD1 sleeps in the living room but is allowed to store some of her stuff either in your bedroom or DD2's room. It makes much more sense for the teenager to sleep in the living room, because she probably goes to bed late.

During the day, the living room is for everyone's use but, if possible, give DD1 a screened-off part of it, so she has a bit of private space.

Just have a think about what it would have looked like if she hadn't moved out originally and then revert to that. Ie they have to share again, she's not even there the whole week.

If its a ha house they prob won't allow you to start putting up partitions
I would do 2 x dd in largest room , you and dh in middle room if it fits double bed and dd3 in smallest room . Lots of people cope like this
My ndn have 4 older teenagers in a 3 bed semi , 2 kids share small box room and they are teenagers

I suspect the less comfy it is at home, the more she will spend at the boyf.

When I had 2 teen/Adult dds I had an absolute rule about no boys overnight and out by 10.30.
Made life much easier.

I feel for you, OP. It sounds like you’ve been managing a really tight juggling act for years and despite prioritising everyone above yourself, those around you still aren’t happy.

I think I would start with a blank sheet. Prioritise those with additional needs first (yourself included), then fit in the others around that. You might need a collective clearout and for some storage to be in areas where the person doesn’t sleep.

I feel for your 18 year old. It’s young and I wouldn’t be expecting mine to be independent at that age, but the fact is she is in less need than the others in the household.

Hopefully we’re just a few weeks away from spring and the end of lockdown!

Could she move in with or rent a place with the boyfriend?

Seriously, tell her you are having your room back and give her a couple of options. She isn't even there most of the bloody time!

Why is your adult daughter not sleeping in the lounge especially since she is not there a few nights a week?

Not a hope in hell would i give up my bedroom for any of my kids! Your bedroom is the only sanctuary you have away from your children....im with your dh on this one...either dd shares or sleeps on sofa and no way would i even consider allowing her boyfriend to stay..that will only add to an already fragile situation...

Op don't feel guilty plenty of siblings share its perfectly normal in many houses , even into adulthood as we can't magic rooms.
To all those saying loft extensions etc is a ha house you can't do things like that and it would not be considered overcrowding
5 people in a 3 bed is not considered overcrowding by a ha except in certain circumstances
Although OP have you approached the council for a different layout house as lots of stairs isn't suitable for you , maybe they could move you to a more practicable house with your disabilities ?

Hi op, without seeing the layout of your living room, just a suggestion (it may work or won't due to layout/finances.)

IKEA floor to ceiling shallow depth wardrobes along one wall for DH and DD1 'stuff'. This will free up room and keep clutter hidden, and you can install as many as you wish space permitting. You could use an entire wall, or split the space by making it into a TV/ media bench with storage either side, so it doesn't look out of place in the living room.

Single folding guest bed stored in the bottom half of one of the wardrobes to be brought out and made up/put away by DD1 when she's there. You could also keep the blankets/sheets on the shelf above so she's no excuse.

You and DH reclaim your bedroom.

BTW the floor to ceiling wardrobes can be 'boxed in' by you or DH then painted the same colour as the wall, and should fit in with the living room scheme. We have them in our hallway, and because DH boxed them in, they looked like they were part of the original house plans, iyswim.

Re: music space for dh - maybe a large summer house/ shed in garden?

@MrsSpenserGregson

You and your DH should have the bedroom next to the shower room, so that you're not having to hobble about any more than necessary.

DD1 can sleep in the lounge. She's staying with her boyfriend some nights anyway, so she doesn't need a full-time bedroom at your house.

DD2 and DD3 keep their bedrooms.

This.

It’s the only way, if DH is being made this unhappy it is going to have a v negative effect on the younger two (and anyone in his shoes would be unhappy).

Your elder daughter is half out anyway, and while it might not be ideal she is young and will cope.

Random pic from the web, this is the type of thing I mean OP.

I think you should say to eldest DD that you're having your bedroom back, living room is becoming a living room again but she's either welcome to share with her sister again or bunk on the sofa. Especially as she isn't even there that often anymore.

Can part of the large lounge be partitioned off even by a screen so that all her stuff isn't on display then dd1 can have part of the lounge to sleep in. Obviously not ideal but if she's not there much anyway ?

think I am tending towards, she wanted to come home and so everyone goes back to the original arrangement - she shares a room with her sister. It would be nice for everyone to have their own room and family / spare space. But you don't have enough rooms, so that isn't possible. DD1 isn't there a lot anyway, and honesty, if the arrangement isn't suitable and she wants her onw space again, then she needs to move out again! It seems to me that you are going out of your way to make everyone happy, and ending up making yourselves unhappy. There has to be some "perk" to being parents - getting to choose the living arrangements that suit you best won't kill any of the kids!

Absolutely! Revert to your original setup. (DD1 either gets rid of a lot of her surplus stuff or pays for storage of it)
Except DH no longer has the privilege of having the lounge solely as his music room. The lounge is for everyone to share, this is normal in a family home. If you don't have enough room for a designated music room then DH needs to comprimise, because taking over the lounge as his sole space is just not an option, and is supremely selfish of him!
If DD1 doesn't like the proposals, she's free to move out again, but you just can't organise everything around her individual needs- why would you even consider this in anyevent, but especially when she's only there part time anyway? Why isn't she working full time anyway and then she could rent a bedsit nearby and spend time with you all? In the communal lounge!

DD1 can have a sofa bed in the sitting room if she's only there occasionally

Don't be put off sorting the lift out for your partner's music stuff. My friend had hers done for her son and his drum kit. Not a proper conversion obviously but they boarded it themselves then got a loft ladder fitted and a light put in. It doesn't have plugs but he runs an extension from the landing socket.

It works fine. He has space and everyone isn't tripping over his stuff. It came in at well under a grand.

Bed example...

And get your bedroom back for the love of God. The current set up is unworkable and isn't fair.