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Does anyone NOT have an inner critic?

215 replies

HorseGallopingOnATomato · 14/02/2021 20:48

Is it possible?

OP posts:
Hoping211 · 15/02/2021 21:40

My inner critic used to be incredibly cruel. Sometimes it would chant short negative phrases repetitively. It would regularly insult and belittle me. I used to physically self harm, but this was like a constant drip drip of emotional self harm, if that makes sense.

But now, the vast majority of time, my internal voice is kind, caring and loving. It took a lot of conscious work to make this change. For example, whenever I thought a negative thing about myself, I forced myself to think of three positive things. These positive things could be really tiny things and I tried to focus on facts so that my inner critic couldn't argue too much with the kind voice I was trying to cultivate e.g. I messaged my friend when she was feeling upset, I got out of bed this morning even though I wasn't feeling great. I was suffering from severe depression at the time so this was something I did multiple times a day, they were very regular negative thoughts. (But the negative thoughts predated the depression by years, so it wasn't as simple as the negative thoughts went away when the depression did). I also focused on trying to talk to myself the way I would do to a child or an animal. I realise this sounds ridiculous, but it worked. We tell children and our pets how wonderful they are and how much we love them. I decided to start telling myself how wonderful I was and using soothing kind tones. Yes, I'm an adult woman, but my relationship with myself became a nurturing one and it's made my life a lot happier.

For most people I'd imagine that a sustained conscious effort could turn a harsh inner critic into a softer caring voice.

KarmaExpress · 16/02/2021 07:00

Nope, I seem to have an inner Uber-confident nutter who eggs me on to do bloody anything- as according to said nutter, I definitely can.🤔
I also have another nutter residing in my noggin', a hyper-critical one that never shuts up and quips about all and sundry in awful manner. I'm fuchsia up.😢

KarmaExpress · 16/02/2021 07:02

Fucked up, can't stand fuchsia s.
My inner monologue criticises everyone else. I need to import a self-critical nutter, pronto, to balance things out but it's probably too late🙄.

BigGreen · 16/02/2021 07:53

I used to but I largely shut her up with therapy.

Treebranch · 16/02/2021 07:56

The dreams I have at night are all about how crap I am, and I wake up in despair. I have no idea how to stop it.

RealisRare · 16/02/2021 07:59

Following. I think it's called God.

TryingNotToPanicOverCovid · 16/02/2021 09:57

I dont think so. Unless god is evil enought that those of us with abusive childhoods hear "god" telling us that we're stupid/ got it wrong again/am failing...

MistleTOEboughski · 16/02/2021 10:10

I've worked on making my inner critic less harsh it sometimes works, sometimes I find I am beating myself up about my failings. I like to study philosophy and read self help books to help me find better ways of dealing with things.

YoComoManzanas · 16/02/2021 10:16

Nope. No inner critic. I have more of a 'can do attitude. There is nothing I cant do, or attempt in life. But its whether I would want to do it or not.
I do sometimes dwell on past events or things I said which were foot in mouth, but I usually then visualise a door and lock those thoughts in there.

LeslieYep · 16/02/2021 10:18

Not any more. I refuse to feel guilty or bad for where I am in my life based on choices I made to the best of my ability at the time.

If there's ever any hint of negative talk I tell it to fuck off.
Loads of practice from when I suffered from depression as a teen to push negative thoughts away and I don't really get them now.
The odd intrusive thought about my kids running in the road, but they go pretty quickly too.
My friend used to literally say 'not helpful' with negative thoughts and then flip it around.
If your brain is making up negative shit that isn't true, consciously say amazing stuff to balance out, even if you don't believe it.

MilesJuppIsMyBitch · 16/02/2021 10:53

Such an interesting thread.

I'm another one who was emotionally neglected and criticised as a child, and have had a lot of therapy to change my inner narrative/ voice.

Also, reading a book is better than watching a film to me, as it's a completely immersive experience.

I do love that, but am also a bit jealous of people who don't have all that mess in their heads. It's very tiring.

TryingNotToPanicOverCovid · 16/02/2021 11:24

Im both jealous of those who didnt have an inner critic... but also in real life get a bit fed up with those who think everything they do is wonderful!

BlueTimes · 16/02/2021 11:38

Having thought about this some more, I’m not sure mine is a critic as much as an exasperated reminder service. She’s always asking me why I feel I can’t do something and pointing out what I’ve achieved in the past. I imagine she rolls her eyes at me a lot and is found of saying “see, it was all fine wasn’t it” after I’ve finally done whatever it was.

MissingLinker · 16/02/2021 11:40

I don't think I have what you describe. I talk to myself a lot or I'm pretending that I'm talking to other people (say colleagues or old classmates). And then I catch myself doing it and explain to said colleagues or classmates (in my head) that sometimes I end up talking to them before I realise that I'm doing exactly the same thing again. I can have many, many layers of this before I distract myself with something.

I've got a more normal internal monologue, but that's not constantly criticising. The closest I have to an internal critic is something I imagined more when I was younger, though it occasionally still happens now. I'd think of myself as being watched by a lot of hidden cameras, with people at the other end (usually people I wanted to like me, people at school or older kids I knew) clustered around a screen commenting on what I was doing and laughing.

Chickenkatsu · 16/02/2021 12:01

I went to university with a lot of wealthy, happy, intelligent girls and I sometimes wonder what their inner dialogue is like, probably something like:

"I'm so happy that everything is going well for me"

"I wonder what amazing and interesting thing I'll get up to do today"

"I wonder how well I will do on my next exam"

"God, I'm just so pretty"

Try and it on for a day and see how it feels.

Livinglavidalockdown · 16/02/2021 12:02

I believe the trick is to reframe your thinking. We all mistakes, that is life and hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Next time your critical inner voice is admonishing you for past misdemeanours, reflect, don't blame but forgive yourself, express that you made the choices you did because you didn't have the knowledge and understanding you have now.
Rather then focus on the negative aspects, look at what the experience taught you and how you can use these lessons to enhance your future.
It is not uncommon for people who have experienced early trauma to have a critical inner voice, which impacts on their choices and decisions. This can lead to trauma repetition, causing the inner voice to become more critical and the cycle going on.
For anyone with a negative inner voice, self compassion is the best way forward.
Some great exercises on this website.
self-compassion.org/category/exercises/

Littlegirlplustwo · 16/02/2021 13:00

Yes absolutely! Haven’t read the whole thread, but a couple of books helped me with mine (and put a name to it).

Mind over mother by Anna Mathur, and the insecure girls club by Olivia Purvis.

Basically you need to turn it into more of a cheerleader, and remember that you are not your thoughts. Smile

TryingNotToPanicOverCovid · 16/02/2021 13:16

I think there can be negatives in the other directuon though, some people are so full of themselves they become entitled or just unaware of others feelings or sensitive to their suffering.

lljkk · 16/02/2021 13:37

There was a biography of Jeff Bezos on this morning radio... how he has a real 'can do' attitude to problems.

I may mostly do that. I decide "do I want to change that and how much effort would it take to change, is the effort worthwhile'

I think I'm quite introverted but I simply am not interested enough in me to spend a lot of time criticising me. Seems like a colossal waste of time to habitually criticise? Make peace with yourself or try some small changes. What a waste of time is self-criticism.

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 16/02/2021 18:26

@TryingNotToPanicOverCovid

Im both jealous of those who didnt have an inner critic... but also in real life get a bit fed up with those who think everything they do is wonderful!
This reminds me of a conversation I had many years ago, with my sister.

I said I'd found that having counselling had helped me to stop caring what other people thought of me.

She said that since counselling she'd found me a bit harder to deal with generally, and that she wasn't sure she liked the 'new' me so much.

I replied that I didn't really care what she thought of the 'new' me Grin

ThenCatoJumpedOut · 16/02/2021 18:29

I have an inner critic, but after an atrocious few years warring with her as a teenager (I got tired of her telling me I was ugly and disgusting), I have befriended her and coaxed her into only saying nice things. Sometimes she tries to go back to her old ways, but quickly get her back in check.

We’re on very good terms now Wink

ThenCatoJumpedOut · 16/02/2021 18:30

@ZZTopGuitarSolo love that Grin

peaceanddove · 16/02/2021 18:30

Nope, never had one. I'm quite chilled and actually quite like myself Smile

KatySun · 16/02/2021 18:30

ZZ your post both shows why you needed counselling and that you benefitted!

Timely thread - I had one of these personality assessment things today at work and the coach said I had a big inner critic and needed to kick it out. Quite how I am not yet sure. I constantly question myself and over think things and it is exhausting.

Whichjab · 16/02/2021 18:31

@WillowSummerSloth

Do you think it's the voice you were spoken to when you were a child? I had very lovely parents so I tend to think very positive things about myself and I think it's their voices I'm replicating. I always internally praise myself for doing my best (even if I'm feeling a bit anxious, I'm still mostly quite kind to myself) And randomly, I always think 'what a lovely face' when I look on the mirror. I'm cringing writing that because it's not by any stretch of the imagination that I'm beautiful but I think it's my mum's voice in my head and it's lovely because it's mine.
I love this explanation. I feel the same, I like what I see and who I am even though objectively I can see my flaws and weakness.
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