Why are women so unkind about other women with male children

[istheresomethingwrongwithme]

I have two boys, aged 2 and 4. They are about as typical as children of this age can be - they argue, whinge, are boisterous, funny, inquisitive, kind and sweet and to me, they are wonderful, just as I imagine most parents think of their own children as.

Ever since I was pregnant with DS2, I was barraged with comments assuming I was hoping this one was a girl and that I would be disappointed if it were a boy. Then, when he was born, comments about surviving two boys, you'll have to have another to try for a pink one etc. It drove me mad and in the mixture of newborn hormones and sleep deprivation, made me a little sad I guess.

I'm quite open about not wanting any more children, so most people know that I won't be having a daughter. Fine by me, but the amount of unwanted sympathy and pity I'm offered for being 'stuck with all boys and no girls' is quite unbelievable. I thought perhaps that as the boys grew older and it was clear i was quite happy with my lot, people would just stop mentioning this kind of crap.

Last night I had a zoom call with a group of uni mates. One friend passed on some news on behalf of another friend (who didn't make the call) that she is pregnant with her second. Lovely, very happy for her. She has a girl already and says she 'will not cope' if this one is a boy. She will of course, but what a thing to say! Then comes along all the comments of 'boys are such hard work, girls are so much easier to parent, good luck istheresomethingwrongwithme'. What? Why?! I love my boys, no need to offer your sympathy because my children are so awful because of what's between their legs.

It probably sounds like I'm reading too much into small, off hand comments, but it's all the time. I can't say anything back because then it looks like I'm bitter. The best thing I could come up with was to say that it's lucky they have me as a mum then because I think they're great.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I love them and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I know this has been done to death on Mumsnet but I'm just feeling a bit cheesed off. Why do women say this crap all the time? Are my children really less lovely because they are little boys?

I get strange comments from others too , I have three girls , my first were identical twins & when I was pregnant recently,lots of women said Oh I bet your poor husband is praying for a boy! And other remarks along the same line Not one person thought we would be pleased with another daughter! Still people saying are you going to risk it for a fourth time to get your boy? No , we are extremely happy with our daughters thank you .

@smallonesaremorejuicy I had a boy then identical boys. I'll trade you one. Not cos he's a boy. Cos he likes to climb and chew things. He's like a baby goat. 😁

I have two boys and have only ever heard of this stuff on mumsnet. Everyone I know is of the “so long as the baby is healthy, who cares” variety.

I have two sons and never got this when they were small. However I get it loads now they are older. One of my colleagues has 2 daughters the same age as my sobs and she is forever saying crap like "well of course, having girls we are a very close family" or. "Poor you, it must be awful having boys because they're never close to their mums". I normally just ignore those comments but they piss me off.

I only have one DS but I got lots of comments like this when pregnant with him. "How sad - boys leave their mums you know" or "hopefully you'll get a nice DIL" etc. It made me feel horrible as I had wanted a DD, and it got worse after he was born! This is all from totally strangers in the supermarket or pharmacy! It was like adding fuel to the fire of my declining postpartum mental health.

To be fair, most of my close friends with sons have confessed they wanted girls. One even didn't find out the sex until the baby was born as she wouldn't cope with the disappointment of it was a boy, funnily enough she's one of my few friends with a girl.

Maybe the real reason so many prefer one of each is that they don't get all these ridiculous assumptions and silly comments 🤦🏻‍♀️.

@KarensChoppyBob

Maybe the real reason so many prefer one of each is that they don't get all these ridiculous assumptions and silly comments 🤦🏻‍♀️.

But you get 'it's a shame XX doesn't have a sister' and 'it's a shame XY doesn't have a brother' comments instead.

Oh yes.

I have 2 boys and I have had loads of comments along these lines!

There are no girls on my husbands side of the family, the male gene runs strong but his grandma keeps reminding me "oooh we'd love a little girl!".

When I found out DS2 was another boy my mother replied "never mind we'll still love him".

I have a friend who has one of each and constantly says "I'm so lucky to have one of each".

I always wanted a little girl but very much doubt we'll have anymore. Plus I suspect it would be another boy so if I did have a third I just wouldn't find out until birth to avoid the pity looks. (So rude of people!). Also I have a great relationship with my mother in law and so does my husband so the shit about sons not bothering with the mothers as adults grates on me too.

Maybe your friends are a bit dim? I have 3 boys and no one had said anything like that ever. I have had one or two comments from distant relatives though so I get that this viewpoint is a thing.

Thanks for all of your responses. It's nice to know I'm not alone in finding these silly comments completely irritating. I think if you looked at one comment in isolation you'd assume I was being really over sensitive (and maybe I am), it's more to do with the continuous assumption that I must be disappointed in my lot, when nothing could be further from the truth.

What I think we are all in agreement with is that I need some quick witted responses to shut these comments down. Any suggestions?

People make all sorts of comments to everyone. Usually to validate their own feelings. I have one friend who often says "I believe everyone wants one of each deep down", she has one of each. I didnt want one of each, quite the opposite, when pg first time I didnt mind what I had but I wanted to eventually have two the same as my brother and i arent close at all.

I think a lot of the time these sort of comments are just meaningless space fillers. Small talk, the person isn’t even thinking , just saying the first cliche that comes to mind. If you had girls they’d be saying ‘ooo you’ll have fun in their teens’ (that’s what I get). If they do actually mean it then, yes, how weird of them.
I often say ridiculous things to people and then think wtf but they tend to be weather related and very boring. I have said ‘at least spring is round the corner’ to someone on every one of my daily walks recently.

I have had a few people saying girls are much easier than boys and boys have more energy, more boisterous etc... when I say I have a girl. I just say, 'oh really, you haven't met my DD, have you?' Stereotypes and received ideas.

I actually feel rather sorry for your friends' DDs OP. Having mothers intent on lumbering them with a bunch of sex-based stereotypes that being female is all about being nice and quiet and doing as you're told (not like those loud, messy boys!) is not going to serve them well in life.

My son is the easiest going child ever..my daughter on the hand will probably cause me a heart attack one day..she's only 4!
It depends on personality not whether they're a girl or a boy

Oh I hear you. Women I know who only have daughters are THE WORST for negativity about boys. Our beautiful boys.

Never had any negative comments about having a girl.

@istheresomethingwrongwithme

Thanks for all of your responses. It's nice to know I'm not alone in finding these silly comments completely irritating. I think if you looked at one comment in isolation you'd assume I was being really over sensitive (and maybe I am), it's more to do with the continuous assumption that I must be disappointed in my lot, when nothing could be further from the truth.

What I think we are all in agreement with is that I need some quick witted responses to shut these comments down. Any suggestions?

You are not oversensitive, it really is a thing.

A good response could be to say, "Why do you say that?" Keep asking so they have to explain themselves. In the course of the spiel they will at some point realise they are talking nonsense.

People just talk crap to have something to say, take no notice.

FWIW I had three DDs in a row and then have just had my first son. My little boy is an absolute dream baby compared to the girls. He is perfect in every way and I feel it such a privilege to have a son. I bet yours are absolutely perfect too.

I've had this, I've had comments along the lines of I shouldn't have a third child incase it's another boy! I don't speak to those people anymore.

Most of my friends have had girls in the last year or 2. I've noticed the way they talk about their girls is so different to how they referred to my DC when they were babies. The language they use is just so much more gentle, it makes me quite sad because I kind of felt like I was doing it 'wrong' when mine were babies. I didn't change what I was doing of course, but I felt like I was being too soft and not treating them like boys should be treated. Seeing my friends (particularly male friends) treating their daughters as if they're made of glass really annoys me when they treat my boys like they are wrestlers with no emotions or feelings. I discourage this of course, but this seems to be what people do.

I do want a third but we just aren't in a position to have one, secretly I'd love to have a boy but then it had crossed my mind how having a girl would help me fit in with friends when we are older. That was a worrying thought and has made me reassess some of my friendships. I won't be spending time with the friends I mentioned above, they need to treat my sons like the humans they are rather than some socially constructed robots.

I'm often asked how I cope having 2 boys, it's so insulting. I've had friends ask me this on days out when their daughters have been demanding and lively (behaving like typical children of any gender of course - not a criticism!) and it shocks me how blinkered they are towards their own children. I'm sure half of them do it just to make conversation or to shift the focus away from their own children's behaviour.

MIL prefers girls and actually said that she hoped SILs DC2 was going to a girl as 'a girl would fit in better'. To what I'm not sure? She is very disconnected from our boys.

I've found that whatever people know about you personally, they always revert back to stereotypes. My plan is to start speaking up a lot more.

You don't need to come back with retorts. Just don't even heed them. People say insensitive and stupid things all the time, about lots of things. They tend to have more impact if you are listening out for them, or they hit a nerve. (Obviously there are exceptions. And somethings are truly offensive) A range of retorts will make it seem like you've spent a lot if time considering and pondering. A shrug and complete change of conversation topic works well. Harder in Zoom world I appreciate.

Although saying that I came close to reassessing a friendship with someone who was so rude about boys in general. It made me really cross, but actually there was some pressure for her to have at least one boy, so perhaps she was actively looking for reasons why she was pleased she didnt actually have one....she did eventually. Baby 4.

Incidently the sympathy from others seems to increase once girls hit puberty.... Again, ignore. Its just filling air time usually.

Ah yes. The smug mums of little girls

They exist. You can wait it out. See how the tables turn when those little divas and princesses are teens (and how they treat their mums)

Sincerely,

Mum of teenage boys

I think some people so desperately want girls they struggle to understand or believe those of us who either didn’t or are totally content with just boys.

I honestly had no preference at all when pregnant and was delighted to end up with two DSs - I would of been equally delighted with two DDs or one of each, as would DH. I don’t ever get any pangs of what if or sadness, but I’ve had people not believe me!

One of my closest friends has two girls and on the flip side she’s had comments about is her DH sad he didn’t get a boy, will she try again........

Ignore and move on, the comments say far more about them than you