Why are women so unkind about other women with male children

[istheresomethingwrongwithme]

I have two boys, aged 2 and 4. They are about as typical as children of this age can be - they argue, whinge, are boisterous, funny, inquisitive, kind and sweet and to me, they are wonderful, just as I imagine most parents think of their own children as.

Ever since I was pregnant with DS2, I was barraged with comments assuming I was hoping this one was a girl and that I would be disappointed if it were a boy. Then, when he was born, comments about surviving two boys, you'll have to have another to try for a pink one etc. It drove me mad and in the mixture of newborn hormones and sleep deprivation, made me a little sad I guess.

I'm quite open about not wanting any more children, so most people know that I won't be having a daughter. Fine by me, but the amount of unwanted sympathy and pity I'm offered for being 'stuck with all boys and no girls' is quite unbelievable. I thought perhaps that as the boys grew older and it was clear i was quite happy with my lot, people would just stop mentioning this kind of crap.

Last night I had a zoom call with a group of uni mates. One friend passed on some news on behalf of another friend (who didn't make the call) that she is pregnant with her second. Lovely, very happy for her. She has a girl already and says she 'will not cope' if this one is a boy. She will of course, but what a thing to say! Then comes along all the comments of 'boys are such hard work, girls are so much easier to parent, good luck istheresomethingwrongwithme'. What? Why?! I love my boys, no need to offer your sympathy because my children are so awful because of what's between their legs.

It probably sounds like I'm reading too much into small, off hand comments, but it's all the time. I can't say anything back because then it looks like I'm bitter. The best thing I could come up with was to say that it's lucky they have me as a mum then because I think they're great.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I love them and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I know this has been done to death on Mumsnet but I'm just feeling a bit cheesed off. Why do women say this crap all the time? Are my children really less lovely because they are little boys?

@changingmine I think that is totally wrong. As I've said up thread I've got two girls and I've had lots of what the mums of boys on here have had in reverse (poor DH/girls are moody/nasty with friends etc) and I do think it's poor that some of the people on this thread are propagating the negativity by saying how much 'easier' their teen boys are Surely if you experienced it one way you wouldn't want to do that to mums of girls!

I am one of six, three girls and three boys, and I can categorically say that sex makes literally no difference to anything whatsoever.

One of my sisters was a fucking nightmare as a teenager, but so was one of my brothers. One of my brothers is really close to our mum and lives 5 minutes down the road, as is one of the girls (me). Another brother and sister live all the way across the world.

It makes no difference.

And BTW I have one DS and he isn't boisterous at all. He's gentle, quiet and hardly raises his voice.

What @Chollok said. It just depends on personality doesn't it?

Why people always assume women want to help arrange a wedding and have a dd to care for them when they get old I don't know.

I don't want either of those things. I'd like my kids to love me, be happy when they hear from me and always be able to come to me when they need help, but other than that they are free to live their own lives.

I have friends to shop with, big weddings are a nightmare and I will check myself into a home when the time is right. Sorted.

@Useruseruserusee

One of the nastiest comments I have ever had is in regard to this. I have two DSs and our second was born critically ill. He spent two months in NICU, needed open chest surgery and it was touch and go for a while (he is three and fine now). It was the hardest thing I have ever been through.

An acquaintance actually said to me “what a shame you went through all that for just another boy”.

Fuck me, that's cold 😯 I'm glad your little boy is OK now.

The only downside is that he clothes that boys have.
The lack of choice is disgusting in this day and age.

@BorderlineHappy yes I agree with you there! And the lack of choice gets worse as they get older.

[quote wizzbangfizz]@changingmine I think that is totally wrong. As I've said up thread I've got two girls and I've had lots of what the mums of boys on here have had in reverse (poor DH/girls are moody/nasty with friends etc) and I do think it's poor that some of the people on this thread are propagating the negativity by saying how much 'easier' their teen boys are Surely if you experienced it one way you wouldn't want to do that to mums of girls! [/quote]
I know you think it's wrong, you said AA much already.

But as a parent of both sons and daughters, as also whose profession involves contact with multiple parents, I can tell you that the negativity towards boys from mothers of girls is toxic. All projection of course but toxic nevertheless. Unfortunately becoming a parent doesn't make many people grow up

I hate all this 'Sons a son till he marries a wife' etc.

My Dad was devoted to my Gran, visited three times a week, holidays, anything she wanted he would get.

All my DP's have been the same, phoning, holidays, visits, presents.

I find it incredibly sad that people dare to make these comments about daughters being better to the mothers of sons.

@Anystarinthesky

I hate all this 'Sons a son till he marries a wife' etc.

My Dad was devoted to my Gran, visited three times a week, holidays, anything she wanted he would get.

All my DP's have been the same, phoning, holidays, visits, presents.

I find it incredibly sad that people dare to make these comments about daughters being better to the mothers of sons.

Agree totally.

My husband is very close to his mum, calls her for a chat most days.

My dad was the same with my nan, FIL is the same.

I have an 18 year old ds, I can see us meeting up for a pint or getting together for pizza when he moves out, we'll probably still text each other daft shit

I've never seen that stereotype of a son in real life, not with male friends or boyfriends. They've all had close relationships with their mums.

Some of these replies are awful!

My first pregnancy I had a lot of positive comments when I said I was having a girl. I secretly was hoping for a girl, not sure why, possibly all the negativity around boys that people were filling my head with.

When I found out my second was a boy, people seemed less enthusiastic and a few were actually concerned how I would cope with a boy .

When I was pregnant with my second boy someone commented to me that they couldn't possibly have managed 2 boys. I'm wondering what she would have done had she had a boy? Declined it? Asked to return it?

I have 2 very chillled out, "easy" boys who are incredibly loving so I find this stereotype so strange. I know a fair few girls that have been absolute terrors whilst small and I know some very hard work boys as well. Every child is different, it has nothing to do with gender.

Are they unkind? I've never experienced that.

I have two girls. My DH got the equivalent comments about being outnumbered and how maybe he'd get a boy next time. And we both got being sick of people saying wait until they're teenagers, like they'd turn into some kind of monsters (they didn't).

So yep, file this under 'people are stupid'. If you had girls it would just be that your partner would be the recipient of this twaddle instead.

@ThenCatoJumpedOut

Ah yes. The smug mums of little girls

They exist. You can wait it out. See how the tables turn when those little divas and princesses are teens (and how they treat their mums)

Sincerely,

Mum of teenage boys

See? You're doing exactly the same. "Wait until they're teenagers". The demonisation of girls is every bit as bad, and another sweeping, false generalisation.

I got so sick of hearing that phrase, as did my DH. We loved our girls, and no we didn't expect them to be obnoxious teenagers, and they weren't. You only have to look around to see that teenage boys aren't all paragons of virtue either. Kids are kids.

If we are stereotyping, teenage boys are often harder work than girls, but of course that's not true for everyone. It's interesting how the stereotypes are not okay one way, but fine the other!

Must admit, have never had comments like this and would pull anyone up sharpish if they made such a stupid comments.

Plutoh when I for example mentioned my DD being harder to deal with in her teens than my DS it was purely based on my experience. I wouldn't for a minute assume that it's always the case.

Generalisations tend to be quite stupid really.

Thread title is a bit of a generalisation.

Literally never come across this in my life. 🤷‍♀️

@ThenCatoJumpedOut

Ah yes. The smug mums of little girls grin

They exist. You can wait it out. See how the tables turn when those little divas and princesses are teens (and how they treat their mums)

Sincerely,

Mum of teenage boys

This is no better. A smug mum of teenage boys is no better than the smug mum of little girls. Both are ridiculous.

Yep. Smug mums of any kind can do one. The lack of self-awareness can be astonishing.

I never understand why people say things like this. A friend of mine has four boys and she LOVES it. Had always envisaged herself as a boy mum. But she gets such pitying looks and comments from people which really drives her up the wall. I have 3 girls and people so often assume we were trying for a boy with number 3, but we really weren't. We just wanted 3 kids no matter what sex they were. People often comment how lucky we are (and we certainly are). But not because they're easy. My girls are high energy, love a fart joke and don't have inside voices. They love a frilly dress and headband too though so I think that's all strangers see.

I agree. My Dd is 16. Yes, she can be very emotional and she can be hard work but we have a good relationship. She is v open with me.

Ds is 12. He can challenge me in different ways. He is more secretive but also less needy

I have all boys. The worst comments have always come from mothers who have just girls.

I had a friend who had just boys, then she had a girl and cut me off, because she didn't want me to feel jealous or have resentment towards her . She puts her daughter on a pedestal and from her SM you would think that her daughter is an only child. Buys designer clothes for her, her sons wear supermarket clothes. Sons go into school holiday clubs so that she can have days out with just her and her daughter. I feel so sorry for her sons. And for her daughter, whose brothers will probably grow to resent her.

I'm happy with my sons, I'd not change them for anything. Like all children they've had their moments, I wouldn't say they've been any more unruly than girls the same age I've seen.