Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Why are women so unkind about other women with male children

284 replies

istheresomethingwrongwithme · 14/02/2021 12:21

I have two boys, aged 2 and 4. They are about as typical as children of this age can be - they argue, whinge, are boisterous, funny, inquisitive, kind and sweet and to me, they are wonderful, just as I imagine most parents think of their own children as.

Ever since I was pregnant with DS2, I was barraged with comments assuming I was hoping this one was a girl and that I would be disappointed if it were a boy. Then, when he was born, comments about surviving two boys, you'll have to have another to try for a pink one etc. It drove me mad and in the mixture of newborn hormones and sleep deprivation, made me a little sad I guess.

I'm quite open about not wanting any more children, so most people know that I won't be having a daughter. Fine by me, but the amount of unwanted sympathy and pity I'm offered for being 'stuck with all boys and no girls' is quite unbelievable. I thought perhaps that as the boys grew older and it was clear i was quite happy with my lot, people would just stop mentioning this kind of crap.

Last night I had a zoom call with a group of uni mates. One friend passed on some news on behalf of another friend (who didn't make the call) that she is pregnant with her second. Lovely, very happy for her. She has a girl already and says she 'will not cope' if this one is a boy. She will of course, but what a thing to say! Then comes along all the comments of 'boys are such hard work, girls are so much easier to parent, good luck istheresomethingwrongwithme'. What? Why?! I love my boys, no need to offer your sympathy because my children are so awful because of what's between their legs.

It probably sounds like I'm reading too much into small, off hand comments, but it's all the time. I can't say anything back because then it looks like I'm bitter. The best thing I could come up with was to say that it's lucky they have me as a mum then because I think they're great.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I love them and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I know this has been done to death on Mumsnet but I'm just feeling a bit cheesed off. Why do women say this crap all the time? Are my children really less lovely because they are little boys?

OP posts:
Deadringer · 14/02/2021 20:23

It works both ways, i come from a large family, mostly girls, and i remember my mum getting a lot of sympathy about having so many daughters, it was seen as a burden. We have one boy and four girls and my dh gets a lot of faux sympathy about living in a house of women.
Maybe mothers get sympathy if they have lots of boys and fathers if they have girls. It's a load of nonsense anyway.

AlwaysNameChanging1 · 14/02/2021 20:23

Meh, you get the same comments about two girls. My dad was always being told how awful the teenage years would be with two girls.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 20:25

That's why I didn't say all "girls mums" were like that @OnlyToWin but I have met quite a few. Then again I've also met "boy mums" who say they're pleased because their kids aren't whingey or bitchy Hmm liars

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
itwillbehormones · 14/02/2021 20:26

You really need new friends, I have sons and never in a million years would tolerate or have have had any comments towards them.

BlueTimes · 14/02/2021 20:26

I think it goes both ways. When I was pregnant with DD3 (and very much wanted her to be a girl) people told me I was trying for a boy. Couldn’t have been further from the truth. I much preferred a girl, largely to the masses of clothes I already had and because I hadn’t used the name I’d wanted for DD2.

Babyroobs · 14/02/2021 20:28

I have 3 boys and one girl but can't really say I've had any negative comments beyond that I must have my hands full. My friend has a baby and herself was really negative when she found out she was having a boy. I can't understand that especially when it's a first baby.

peboh · 14/02/2021 20:32

Mothers of girls get the same comments too though. I'm the youngest of 4 girls and I remember being a child and people telling my mum that they bet she wishes I'd have come out a boy, or was she going to keep trying for a boy. Must be so difficult to raise all girls, they couldn't imagine that etc.
I'm also a mum of one dd and constantly get told it just be time for child number two and that hopefully I get a boy so I can have one of each. I'm a happy mum of one and one only 🤣

DipSwimSwoosh · 14/02/2021 20:33

People are stupid.
I had a boy. I had a friend who had a girl. Then I was pregnant again.
Friend said 'I'm afraid to get pregnant again in case it's a boy. I could never have such a close bond with a boy as with my dd'. She said this to me, in front of my ds!
She is no longer a friend.
Incidentally, she went on to have a boy and I now have 2 girls and my boy.
I have no idea how she is getting on and I really don't care.

Ohnomoreno · 14/02/2021 20:36

With you there, any old crap really. My dd is much harder work than my dss.

JulianTheUnicorn · 14/02/2021 20:41

When I was pregnant I was asked by an acquaintance what I was having and said it was a boy, they said "oh that's such a shame!" Confused I was baffled and she went on to say she only meant that baby girls clothes are nicer than boys. I think she was just trying to save face

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 14/02/2021 20:53

Yes have 2 boys and lots have commented did we not want to try for a third, we did consider having a third child but but not to have a girl just to have another, but decided financially just couldn't afford it.
Mine were easy babies , toddlers and kids and now typical teenagers, both very sporty , play rugby , football etc so I have spent a lot of time at side of a pitch, but I love it. My friend with 2 boys and a girl spends all her time at side of football pitch as well with her dd, her boys were never sporty but her dd is .
Also had people say about old rhymer were daughter is for life , son yours until takes a wife or something similar.
Also crap as i know plenty of daughters nc with mums and plenty of dil who have good relationships with mil , so therefore so do their sons.

pastaparadise · 14/02/2021 20:55

I remember when I'd just had ds2, my boss said "a daughter's a daughter for life, a son's a son til he meets a wife". Never forgave her!

I was disappointed at first as i knew dh wouldn't have more kids, so i would never have a daughter. But ds2 is now 4 and i can genuinely say i love having 2 boys. Does worry me the level of competition betwen them, which might be less with boy/ girl, but nothing else. If you're happy ignore what anyone else says - just stupid people.

Worriedhomemover · 14/02/2021 20:57

Haven’t read the whole thread. I do wonder though if it’s a generation thing. People who have grown up in households where maybe their brothers were favoured?

I’m only 29 but I definitely didn’t get treated as well as my brothers. I also grew up in a very typical ‘boy’ household and hated it. For some odd reason it has made me not want boys. I have a little girl, and I’m expecting twins. If I have one or more boy I will of course be happy but I feel like I will need to come to terms with it in a way.

HelplessProcrastinator · 14/02/2021 20:59

Absolutely the same reaction if you have just girls. My parents were clearly disappointed with second grand daughter but my brother got the ‘perfect family at the first attempt’ with b/g twins.

My girls won’t be as affectionate or as loving to me as sons will be, they will favour their father. They will be manipulative bitches. Well, it took about 8 years to peel the youngest off me, but whatever. My friends with b/g combinations all tell me boys are way easier. I love my fierce and stubborn girls but would also have been delighted with boys. Just happy to be a parent as I thought it wouldn’t happen for us.

Bluebutterfly36 · 14/02/2021 21:11

I have 4 boys and have had many similar comments over the years. The assumption that we had 4 children because we kept trying for a girl, and many off the other comments that have been posted above.

At one point when I had 3 boys and my SIL had 3 boys, my other SIL became pregnant. I distinctly remember my MIL saying very loudly in my earshot to a friend “AND OF COURSE WE’RE JUST PRAYING THIS ONE’S A GIRL!!!” Hmm At the time I was incensed that she was implying that her existing grandsons weren’t good enough, but looking back I actually think she just wanted a change!

But I have had two positive comments!
One from FIL who was delighted that his family name (very unusual) will live on and on!
One from an Indian man at an airport who told me how lucky I was because my sons would look after me in old age, which I thought was lovely. I hope it’s true!!

FlamingGreatGalaahs · 14/02/2021 21:12

I have never had these comments.
Get new friends OP.

Boys are awesome & they love their mummies best 🙌🙌🙌

Fatandfifty49 · 14/02/2021 21:18

I have one of each. I wouldn't have minded 2 of the same either.

I honestly find my boy less of a handful than my girl who is very feisty

handsforfeet · 14/02/2021 21:21

Are boys really more boisterous? I always hear this but it's not my experience. I have twins, my boy is far lower energy, generally much "easier" and quiet. His male friends are fairly quiet, if slightly construction obsessed.

Isn't it just personality?

Fatandfifty49 · 14/02/2021 21:22

My daugyter is more boisterous but neither of them is particularly quiet

Crikeycroc · 14/02/2021 21:24

I have a DD and people have already told me how unpleasant she will be when she’s a teenager so I think the rubbish sexist stereotypes go both ways.
I have a brother and a sister and I don’t remember my brother being violent or boisterous and my sister didn’t transform into a ‘bitch’ when she turned 13.

Worriedhomemover · 14/02/2021 21:25

@handsforfeet

Are boys really more boisterous? I always hear this but it's not my experience. I have twins, my boy is far lower energy, generally much "easier" and quiet. His male friends are fairly quiet, if slightly construction obsessed.

Isn't it just personality?

My little girl is a whirlwind mini tornado. Smile I remember the NCT baby boys being so chilled. Although she has calmed down a lot since turning 2, and does love to sit down to do her arts and crafts now. She is totally obsessed with her babies though no matter how many train sets/ construction or dinosaur toys we buy her!
TheresAnEyeInMeSoup · 14/02/2021 21:30

I have 2 boys and have had the 'will you try for a girl?' Question a few times. I just reply no, I'm happy with my boys and leave it at that.

I don't understand why people think you wouldn't be happy with your lot. They must lack imagination.

IceBearRocks · 14/02/2021 21:32

I hadctwo boys 2 years apart ...fell pregnant with DC3. DS2 was poorly baby and we spent most of his first 2 years in and out of hospital.
He was being assessed for many things, tube fed and severely delayed.
People asked if I was desperate for a girl...no ....I was desperate for a healthy baby without the problems that DS2 had.....the gender of my child was the least if my worries.
DC3 was DD....she was dairy intolerant, stubborn, moody and generally bloody hard work. If I had her first...she would definitely be an only child!!!
Funnily enough....she us nearly 10 now and an absolute delight.

LegoLegs · 14/02/2021 21:36

2 boys here. Never, ever had any comment like that. Or perhaps I have but just haven't noticed it because I'm not in the slightest bit sensitive about it. All my life I've seen myself with 2 boys and that's what I got. I feel sorry for friends who only have girls Smile

handsforfeet · 14/02/2021 21:48

@LegoLegs

2 boys here. Never, ever had any comment like that. Or perhaps I have but just haven't noticed it because I'm not in the slightest bit sensitive about it. All my life I've seen myself with 2 boys and that's what I got. I feel sorry for friends who only have girls Smile
See I find that as weird as "don't you want a girl comment". And sad. When can we just see kids for their own interests and not their genitals.

My son is quiet and thoughtful and so loving. He likes trains but he loves reading quietly. My daughter is loud and demanding and hilarious. She's sporty and not academic. They're a lot more than their sex.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread