Why are women so unkind about other women with male children

[istheresomethingwrongwithme]

I have two boys, aged 2 and 4. They are about as typical as children of this age can be - they argue, whinge, are boisterous, funny, inquisitive, kind and sweet and to me, they are wonderful, just as I imagine most parents think of their own children as.

Ever since I was pregnant with DS2, I was barraged with comments assuming I was hoping this one was a girl and that I would be disappointed if it were a boy. Then, when he was born, comments about surviving two boys, you'll have to have another to try for a pink one etc. It drove me mad and in the mixture of newborn hormones and sleep deprivation, made me a little sad I guess.

I'm quite open about not wanting any more children, so most people know that I won't be having a daughter. Fine by me, but the amount of unwanted sympathy and pity I'm offered for being 'stuck with all boys and no girls' is quite unbelievable. I thought perhaps that as the boys grew older and it was clear i was quite happy with my lot, people would just stop mentioning this kind of crap.

Last night I had a zoom call with a group of uni mates. One friend passed on some news on behalf of another friend (who didn't make the call) that she is pregnant with her second. Lovely, very happy for her. She has a girl already and says she 'will not cope' if this one is a boy. She will of course, but what a thing to say! Then comes along all the comments of 'boys are such hard work, girls are so much easier to parent, good luck istheresomethingwrongwithme'. What? Why?! I love my boys, no need to offer your sympathy because my children are so awful because of what's between their legs.

It probably sounds like I'm reading too much into small, off hand comments, but it's all the time. I can't say anything back because then it looks like I'm bitter. The best thing I could come up with was to say that it's lucky they have me as a mum then because I think they're great.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I love them and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I know this has been done to death on Mumsnet but I'm just feeling a bit cheesed off. Why do women say this crap all the time? Are my children really less lovely because they are little boys?

I don't get this and comments like - oh just you wait until girls are teenagers are just as bad IMO.

I've got 2 DDs and have had exactly the same negativity - oh your poor husband, no sons! And oh little boys really love their mums, like little girls don't?

It is infuriating and just women bringing other women down.

It's the same if you have girls. I have two girls and had constant comments about needing to try for a boy.

Some people just love to comment on your children.

I have twin boys and received several negative comments at the time.

They are 14 now and even last week an aunt said "Oh of course, we'd have loved girls"!
She then came out with lots of sexist comments about little girls and dresses and baking....

As a "girl mum" I can assure you I don't dislike boys or see them as lesser. How sad that some seem to. I've had lovely chats with my friends' boys, they're every bit as funny, interesting, sensitive, loud, quiet etc as girls.

One of the nastiest comments I have ever had is in regard to this. I have two DSs and our second was born critically ill. He spent two months in NICU, needed open chest surgery and it was touch and go for a while (he is three and fine now). It was the hardest thing I have ever been through.

An acquaintance actually said to me “what a shame you went through all that for just another boy”.

@Useruseruserusee goodness that's awful. So glad your little DS is a healthy and happy three year old.

@Useruseruserusee

One of the nastiest comments I have ever had is in regard to this. I have two DSs and our second was born critically ill. He spent two months in NICU, needed open chest surgery and it was touch and go for a while (he is three and fine now). It was the hardest thing I have ever been through.

An acquaintance actually said to me “what a shame you went through all that for just another boy”.

Have they found her body yet because I swear you were with me the day she disappeared

@SleepingStandingUp

Unfortunately 1) I was too shocked to respond and 2) it was in a work setting where I was more senior so I had to remain professional.

However the look on my face must have been enough as she left the room pretty quickly and nothing was ever mentioned again!

So utterly unprofessional as well as a total bitch. Hope you don't have to deal with her much.

Some of these comments are saddening. Can't believe some people would treat girls in a gentle manner and boys like they have no emotion.

I actually know 4 people that have only dds, they have expressed they want sons.
I've never seem them act like their girls are any more precious, if anything when we all get together, tends to be some of the girls that are really very loud, stressing the mum out, I'll hear comments like the boys are so well behaved, why can't dd be more like that.

I think some people expect boys to be naughty, loud and stressful, which is why when I've been around people, I get a lot of praise in regards to my boys that they are so well behaved and I should be proud of how they turned out, I never thought much of it til now.

@Reinventinganna

You need new friends.

I’ve not once had any negative comments about having boys.

No. Nor me. I have two and with the second was hoping for another boy. Maybe they are more boisterous when they are younger but I definitely think it's an easier ride in the teenage years.

I could have wrote this post myself. I remember telling people the sex of baby number 2 and getting lots of 'Awww never mind!' and 'You can always try again' I'd never expressed a desire or preference for a girl or a boy! And this was all because my 1st baby was a boy! Its ridiculous. If one more person quotes 'A son is your son until he takes a wife but your daughter is your daughter for life' at me I won't be responsible for my actions! My husband is living proof that that quote isn't always true.

Boys are probably harder work to parent while they are younger but the people with girls seem to be forgetting about hormones and periods! Good luck when those little girls are in their teens!

I have 3 sons and was so so sick of the negative comments about boys, it wasn't from close friends but from almost everyone I met from nurses to mums in the playground. I ended up feeling really defensive and protective of them all the time and it really got me down so I know how you feel OP. They're now 14, 18 and 22 and have so far been super lovely and easy to parent and I couldnt feel prouder of my 3 beautiful, kind and loving boys.

@Rillington

It's the same if you have girls. I have two girls and had constant comments about needing to try for a boy.

It isn't the same of you have girls. Yes there are negative comments but not to the same relentless extent. It seems to based in a basic British negativity towards children with boys being the less palatable of the two genders.

I haven't seen this at all in real life. I know several people with only boys and it never occurred to me. My partner is one of 5 boy siblings (plus 1 girl) and his parents were considered blessed. They did own a dairy farm though 😃.

Well I have 3 sisters. I have 2 girls, one sister has a girl, another sister about to have a girl. Girls are overrated. Enjoy your boys OP

I have both but did want girls as DH came from a very male dominated family

Yes. This definitely happens. I have 2 boys. They’re in their teens now. When they were little there were definitely more of those kinds of comments. Usually, I would say that having experienced miscarriages before both of them, I was just incredibly thankful to have 2 healthy babies.

I once sat in a room with a dad of 2 daughters who claimed very firmly that girls were ‘better’! His wife told me later that they were going to have a 3rd as he was desperate for a son (they had another daughter).

I once had a random stranger tell me she was ‘lucky’ and had one of each. I thought that’s great but actually I’m lucky too to have same sex siblings.

The most recent negative comment was a guy I worked with who was a womaniser. Had a baby girl and a few months later was talking about how she’s going to be a nun because he intends to never let her out. I told him he was assuming that all men are like him and not like my sons who have been raised to be kind, respectful and care for their female pals and their girlfriends.

Sometimes I think there’s an assumption that mums want a daughter to dress prettily and be a girl friend for life. I was very close to my own mum and would have loved to have experienced that mother/daughter relationship from the other side but truthfully I don’t ever feel I’m missing out. I thought I would but I don’t.

I have noticed that as they’ve grown older, the nature of peoples comments has altered - often these days people comment on how handsome, stylish and protective of me my boys are. I’m very proud of them as I’m sure I would have been if they were daughters.

You need to change the people you spend time with. I have 2 boys and no-one has ever said anything like this to me ever.

MN has a 'gender disappointment' active thread at least weekly. ALWAYS a boy.

MN is full of threads about how many men are abusive / cheaters etc. (Yes, not all men etc, but there's a lot of broad brushing. I have 2 sons, and my relationships with men have not been great, so I get it, but it's still a depressing message for those of us with boys).

Yet this thread, is apparently full of people who have never met anyone who's said or thought anything like this and think OP's friends are outliers.

Have they been on here for more than 5 mins?

It’s horrible.
I think are people like this? I find it so wierd and offensive?!

People (like my own mum and sister) were AGOG at me not minding a second son and still I think they secretly assume I must be privately seething with resentment....

What I actually wanted was two children the same because I thought it would be easier on just about every level!

Everybody makes out like it’s a shame having two sons, I love them so much. I’ll be honest, my life is somewhat easier because they hate football and love arts like me 😍

@LadyMonicaBaddingham

I've stolen my darling godmother's line; she had two boys, as do I. Any questions about hypothetical daughters are met with "Oh, you know me, I love being surrounded by men!“

Love this! Totally going to use that line.

My DM had three daughters and wanted sons. So we are a disappointment. She is also disappointed that out of 5 grandchildren only one is male. So it cuts both ways.
I only wanted a live healthy baby. I have two DD and when I was pregnant with my second, people use to say- bet you want a boy and I use to just say no, just a living baby. It always shut them up

The older generations of my family (grandparents) seemed to prize boys more than girls. A son to a carry on the family name/business etc. “A son and heir.” In the Royal Family the status of girls was lower than boys, until just before Prince George was born and changers were made so if he had been a girl the place in the line of succession would have been retained.

Other than older generation’s comments I honestly have not heard people criticise boys or mothers of boys. In our “new mum” group I had the only dd and it was never a thing. We were just all learning to adjust to being new mothers to human babies! The sex of them honestly never came into it (other than much later being called a “smug mother of girls” by someone outside of this group - I had never said a thing about her boys - she’d just read it in a book and thought it was funny! ). I can see from this thread that we were perhaps the exception and not the rule!!

I was discussing this with a fellow mum boy last night. Apparently when she'd just given birth to her son another friend of hers I don't know said she'd have been gutted to have a boy and couldn't have loved it as he may turn out to be a rapist .