Why are women so unkind about other women with male children

[istheresomethingwrongwithme]

I have two boys, aged 2 and 4. They are about as typical as children of this age can be - they argue, whinge, are boisterous, funny, inquisitive, kind and sweet and to me, they are wonderful, just as I imagine most parents think of their own children as.

Ever since I was pregnant with DS2, I was barraged with comments assuming I was hoping this one was a girl and that I would be disappointed if it were a boy. Then, when he was born, comments about surviving two boys, you'll have to have another to try for a pink one etc. It drove me mad and in the mixture of newborn hormones and sleep deprivation, made me a little sad I guess.

I'm quite open about not wanting any more children, so most people know that I won't be having a daughter. Fine by me, but the amount of unwanted sympathy and pity I'm offered for being 'stuck with all boys and no girls' is quite unbelievable. I thought perhaps that as the boys grew older and it was clear i was quite happy with my lot, people would just stop mentioning this kind of crap.

Last night I had a zoom call with a group of uni mates. One friend passed on some news on behalf of another friend (who didn't make the call) that she is pregnant with her second. Lovely, very happy for her. She has a girl already and says she 'will not cope' if this one is a boy. She will of course, but what a thing to say! Then comes along all the comments of 'boys are such hard work, girls are so much easier to parent, good luck istheresomethingwrongwithme'. What? Why?! I love my boys, no need to offer your sympathy because my children are so awful because of what's between their legs.

It probably sounds like I'm reading too much into small, off hand comments, but it's all the time. I can't say anything back because then it looks like I'm bitter. The best thing I could come up with was to say that it's lucky they have me as a mum then because I think they're great.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I love them and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I know this has been done to death on Mumsnet but I'm just feeling a bit cheesed off. Why do women say this crap all the time? Are my children really less lovely because they are little boys?

When I had my first ( a boy) I was young and friends who I think were possibly jealous would say things like " oh but I want a girl when I have one, they're cuter". I've got 2 of each now and found that some family members and friends made more of a fuss of the girls, buying them dresses and stuff and the boys were left out.

Neither of my boys are loud and boisterous - what a load of stereotypical nonsense. Kids are kids. If you’re using sexist tropes to describe them to your friends, maybe that’s why you’re getting sexist bullshit back from them.

I have friends with a mix of boys and girls, some who have 2/3 boys and have never seen or heard any negativity towards them. One mum in particular of 3 boys posts loads of pics on FB of them playing nicely together, hugging, the big ones looking after the little one. It’s adorable and she gets nothing but praise for her beautiful boys. Obviously some kids are more intense/adventurous/energetic/hard work than others, but that’s just kids as far as I’m concerned, not boys specifically. My DD has been by far the most accident prone daredevil out of the 3. If I’d been hoping for a little princess I’d have been very disappointed! Luckily (for both her and me) she’s been brought up in exactly the same way as her brothers to allow her personality to shine through gender expectations.

Looking back I remember some very unkind comments when I was pregnant with DS3 like ‘Oh dear- never mind!’, ‘You’ll have to try again’ and ‘You’re outnumbered now’!
DS3 has been the dream baby and I say that as someone parenting in the midst of a global pandemic. I love him so much and whilst I’ve always wondered what raising daughter would be like, I would never change having my three sons. They are all so different and I’d be equally happy if they were girls. I’m just so grateful to have my family. I really dislike all the stereotypes; children are all individual people.

My ds has been an easier child, temperamentally speaking, than my DD. My DD was a non sleeping baby and then a nightmare toddler, tantrums galore and extremely willful. DS is an easy child, slept easy as a baby, no tantrums, though has been more challenging with health concerns and things like anxiety and speech and language difficulties.

And everyone cooed over my son as a baby/toddler as he had a mop of ringlet curls and long lashes, some people used to ask if he was girl actually. He's a quiet, gentle boy that is a bit of geek really. But my DD has lots of male friends that can be endearing in their own ways. So no, I don't get the boy hate, probably from people that have zero experience of little boys.

And yes you get comments on girls too, all down to gender stereotype, usually about girls having attitude, being 'sassy' and probably gonna be a wayward teenager. My DD, though yes can have attitude is mostly sensible and grounded despite her dramatic toddler years.

Saying "Why are women so unkind about other women..." makes it sound like this is a) all women, and b) some sort of universal characteristic of the female sex.

"Why do some people say stupid things?" would have been much closer to the truth.

You sound genuinely sad about it though, which makes me think you might be feeling down in general. If it's more than Lockdown Melancholy, maybe think about talking to your GP?

I’ve not had any unkindness & I have 4 boys so a busy house and wouldn’t change it. Course I’ve had the wouldn’t you want a girl next comments - no I’m done. I got 4 boys abs I love them all.

I've never heard of this preference for girls IRL, only on Mumsnet. In my experience, there is an overwhelmingly strong preference for "one of each".

You need new friends. I have lots of friends with 2 boys and I am delighted for their healthy lovely children. I'd never say a word to them about whether they wanted a girl. I have a boy and a girl and they are equally lovely, I would never have minded all of one sex either.

I have a friend with 3 daughters. I think she has a lovely family. I also have a friend with 3 sons. I think they are a lovely family too. Who cares about who gets what?

Yeah, you need new friends. Very odd things to say.

I don’t understand it when people make these comments.
I have a DS and a DD, but plenty of friends have either just DSs or just DDs. They don’t think (and as far as I know no one has ever expressed to them) that they are missing out.
Personally, though my DS has some issues that have been challenging, on the whole he has been a much easier child to parent thus far - but he has a more malleable personality than my DD, who is strong-willed, but I celebrate her for it (just not when she is digging in her heels against me 😂)

I’ve got one of each but for some odd reason in my life I have lots of people who have all boys but only one friend who has just girls.

Yes there were insensitive comments made to them from some quarters, especially around their perceived disappointment when the third boy came along. But most of them give that back in spades in their anti girl comments or accusing parents of girls of being precious or over protective if we’d prefer our kids came back from a play date with all their limbs intact.

There are generalisations occurring all over the place, most people just tune into the ones that impact and offend them.

What weird friends. Ds is in many ways easier than dd - but all dc are individuals! You can't generalise about them... enjoy your lovely boys.

I have one of each - I’ve noticed more negativity about dds. Apparently they are nightmares - friends are bitchy and horrible - I think they are lovely - I think boys are lovely too. My sister had a girl after a boy - she said she didn’t know how to deal with a girl because she wasn’t very girly. All nonsense, kids are kids - go looking for problems snd you’ll find them. Stop being so sensitive OP - you are taking something to heart that doesn’t concern you - you like having two boys..,that’s all that matters.

I disagree with the posters saying that you need new friends (you may or may not, I don't know!) on the basis of these comments. As you've noticed yourself, plenty of people in the wider world also say stupid and insensitive things on this topic.

I do think though that you should find a way to shut the topic down in a breezy but firm way, just so that you're not continually hearing things that upset you.

That said, I think you are taking obviously stupid and trivial passing-the-time-of-day comments far too seriously.

Mums of all girls get this too.
The assumption that you only had a third for a boy.
The lack of congratulations when they hear it’s another girl.
Being told that boys are so much easier to raise and girls are such bitches.
I ignore those people. There not my friends and never will be.

I've not had this but then tbh I've v few friends who don't have at least one boy. So any sympathy over rambunctious boys is based on their children and actually I have friends who say the opposite - at least I'm not dealing with strong willed girls etc.

However you only have to read any thread on "I'm so sad about my baby's sex" or "were trying for a certain sex next time" and virtually every time it's about wanting a girl not a stinky boy.

I do wonder if people dislike "stinky smelly farty boys" or whether they see the rapists, abusers, misogynists they assume they will become.

Three boys here, and I would only swap them when they're waking me up at 4 am!

Your boys sound lovely.

Your friends sound vile.

FWIW my oldest is 10 now and all manner of people have commented on the composition of my family since I had my older one — all uninvited. I have one of each and I’ve had everything from ‘well done’ (as if I had any say in it) to comments about the expense of having to buy everything again but in pink (I didn’t rebuy anything in pink) to their opinion about whether it was better to have the boy or the girl first (I got mine in the ‘wrong’ order). Ignore them — maybe new friends are in order.

Re fri nds,next time someone says Something, do comment

"Sara has a girl already and says she 'will not cope' if this one is a boy"
"Oh that's really sad that she's worried she'll struggle once baby is here, do you think there's something we can do to support her?

"Oh it's only if it's a boy!!"
"Why, what's different about boys and girls for the first year at least except which direction their pee goes of you're slow with a nappy?"
Forcing people to explain it will either shut them up or give you a clearer idea of if you want to be their friend

'boys are such hard work, girls are so much easier to parent, good luck istheresomethingwrongwithme'.
"Why do I need luck? Lucien and Damien are fabulous, I feel so lucky being their Mom."

Etc.

Or just a simple "I know it isn't meant to upset me, but it does make me sad when everyone keeps going on about not wanting boys. What do you actually think is so awful about Lucien and Damien?"

I've actually heard the contrary that boys are easier!

However I don't like to generalise, I think each child is different, generally boys are more physical, whereas some girls find it easier to sit down do colouring watch a movie without getting bored! I have nieces and nephews, and certainly have experienced not all girls are and not all boys are the same

As for what you said op, people would say the same things had you had 2 girls. Seems people just can't be satisfied with their own lives that they have to criticise everyone else's, I have the same gender children, I haven't had these comments thankfully, however I do remember one particular comment I received after 5 days of giving birth, telling me that I needed to have the opposite gender! I just had a baby, it's the last thing I want to hear, am hardly going to be thinking of birthing another child! Perhaps am more than happy for being blessed with children regardless of gender, why do I need to have a particular gender just because certain people say so? People can be so cruel with words, I don't care about gender, many women that can't conceive, am grateful I was able to have children without difficulty.
Cut negative people from your lives, they bring no good to you

When I was a girl, I was a lot of work to my parents. I got sick frequently as a child (heart condition), and was loud, naughty, picky with food and very active & constantly got myself in trouble & got into fights with little boys. I also needed help with homework from my parents to catch up with the grades. Looking back I feel sorry for my parents. Not all little girls are angels and are easy to parent.

I have 3 boys and a girl (girl is no 3). They were all born in the very late nineties to 2005. Have people really not progressed since then?!! Because I didn't get one bad comment about having sons. In fact, most people seemed to think it was kind of cool...either way!

I got lots of commiserations when I had ds3. Mainly from the type of women who post on Facebook about their 'little diva' or 'princess' or about how their dd is their mini-me and their bff 😂🙈

Just ignore.