Why are women so unkind about other women with male children

[istheresomethingwrongwithme]

I have two boys, aged 2 and 4. They are about as typical as children of this age can be - they argue, whinge, are boisterous, funny, inquisitive, kind and sweet and to me, they are wonderful, just as I imagine most parents think of their own children as.

Ever since I was pregnant with DS2, I was barraged with comments assuming I was hoping this one was a girl and that I would be disappointed if it were a boy. Then, when he was born, comments about surviving two boys, you'll have to have another to try for a pink one etc. It drove me mad and in the mixture of newborn hormones and sleep deprivation, made me a little sad I guess.

I'm quite open about not wanting any more children, so most people know that I won't be having a daughter. Fine by me, but the amount of unwanted sympathy and pity I'm offered for being 'stuck with all boys and no girls' is quite unbelievable. I thought perhaps that as the boys grew older and it was clear i was quite happy with my lot, people would just stop mentioning this kind of crap.

Last night I had a zoom call with a group of uni mates. One friend passed on some news on behalf of another friend (who didn't make the call) that she is pregnant with her second. Lovely, very happy for her. She has a girl already and says she 'will not cope' if this one is a boy. She will of course, but what a thing to say! Then comes along all the comments of 'boys are such hard work, girls are so much easier to parent, good luck istheresomethingwrongwithme'. What? Why?! I love my boys, no need to offer your sympathy because my children are so awful because of what's between their legs.

It probably sounds like I'm reading too much into small, off hand comments, but it's all the time. I can't say anything back because then it looks like I'm bitter. The best thing I could come up with was to say that it's lucky they have me as a mum then because I think they're great.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I love them and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I know this has been done to death on Mumsnet but I'm just feeling a bit cheesed off. Why do women say this crap all the time? Are my children really less lovely because they are little boys?

Unfortunately it seems to have sparked a reaction where grown women wear jumpers that say they’re proud to be a mum of boys.

Which to me is perpetuating the myth even further TBH, but I understand where it’s coming from.

It’s probably a bit like the big bump or small bump comments in pg. Some people just love to make their little crap comments whichever way things are!

5 boys here,some people are just idiots,who open their mouth with out engaging their brain.

Doesn't occur to them they're people not just a gender.And so will have their own personality.
Just have some smartarse answer for them.IF they're rude to you,be rude back.

There will always be people who use other people's situations to make them self feel superior. Recognise it for what it is, but also be happy enough not to care. For me it's being a single parent. I've had lots of PA remarks and also been scapegoated a few time by bitches who've perceived me to be 'low status'. They'd never pull the crap (excluding me, silent treatments) on a woman with a husband in her corner.

People can be such arseholes and if it's not one thing, it's another. The arseholery will come out. It's not you, it's them.

A few years ago I was talking to a woman on a bus about babies, as we were both heavily pregnant. She was having a girl, and when I said I was having my third boy she got really defensive and said "well girls are just as good" and I was like uh, yes, of course? I wondered afterwards who in her life had made her feel like that.

I found everyone said girls were much, much harder than boys and how easy life must be for me, whilst silmulteanously being horrified at noise and the level of boyishness compared to a one or no boy house. Then the many variations of saying i must be devestated not to have girls as my boys wouldnt bother with me as an adult. One close friend went as far as 'you arent really a mum to a boy, just a caretaker' and expressing how sad she was that I never got to be a mum.

Im sure mum's of girls get all sorts of crap said too.

I have two boys. I've had similar comments from people who have never met them. My response has been "mmm, yes, well if I'd had a girl I would have left the baby at the hospital" and changed the subject. No one has challenged this, the usual response has been a nervous laugh. Most who have then met my boys have commented on how quiet, calm, sensible and mature they are......as though such a thing was rare. Ignore these comments OP. There was a time in history when women were bereft for not producing a boy!

I have twin boys. I’ve never once had this type of comment made to me. Not once.

Both of them are disabled and I’ve obviously had comments like that or the difficulty of twins, but nothing about having two boys. It’s strange how many here have had comments like this frequently.

@MsTSwift

I have had abit of weirdness from mums of boys about girls too (I just have 2 girls). One said girls are all “bitches” 🙄 and mothers of sons who are otherwise sensible seem quick to emphasise gender differences.

oh yes, true actually, have had these remarks now you mention it.

One close friend went as far as 'you arent really a mum to a boy, just a caretaker' and expressing how sad she was that I never got to be a mum

Bloody hell! What is wrong with some people! What a horrible thing to say.

Two boys here and also had negative comments.

See this is the thing. One of the other women has two girls and she received no such comments. It was all about how hard boys are.

You are probably all right, people do just say things without meaning to be unpleasant. It just seems like such a monumental thing to be negative about - you know, someone's actual children.

I think a lot of the time people just trot out platitudes without really meaning anything by it. Don't take it to heart.

I have two girls. A few of my friends have two boys and with most it doesn't even come up. There is one who is evangelical about boys being better so I just avoid her a little or change the subject.

People are arses.
Don’t have age children you’re bombarded with when are you going to have children comments?
Have one, when you going to have another? (An only child is a likely child you know )
Have two one of each sex that’s you done your not allowed any more.
Have the misfortune of two of the same sex you can have another as you simply must be desperate to have the other sex.

As the mother of 3 girls then a boy I’ve had my fair share of comments from “maybe you can’t carry boys” (after a mc), your poor husband all those girls, your not a real woman until you can give your husband a boy, you can stop now you have your boy!!

The girls are all so different and we see them as four children not their sexes.

Not because she's right or wrong, I should add sorry, just because there's more to talk about...

I've stolen my darling godmother's line; she had two boys, as do I. Any questions about hypothetical daughters are met with "Oh, you know me, I love being surrounded by men!“

My daughter was hard to parent at all ages up to 17 and is now great company. My son was a dream up until 14, but of course the inevitable hormones have caused a few problems as is normal of course for teenagers.

My children defied the stereotype as their personalities are not the cliched gentle girls/boisterous boys.

I would have have a houseful of boys if I could have guaranteed them to be like DS.

I have had sympathetic looks with DS off friends with DD's I don't take it personally I agree with them at times my first DC is a girl she was a lovely DD whereas DS is boisterous full of energy and demanding I'm sure he'll settle.
I don't know if it is the sex or 2nd DC my siblings who only have girls found their 2nd wilder.

@istheresomethingwrongwithme

See this is the thing. One of the other women has two girls and she received no such comments. It was all about how hard boys are.

You are probably all right, people do just say things without meaning to be unpleasant. It just seems like such a monumental thing to be negative about - you know, someone's actual children.

Sorry but actually I do think they mean to be unpleasant. Honestly if someone feels the need to put anyone down for such a thing , they definitely intend to be unpleasant. Especially if they make silly comments like that to make themselves feel better. Its basically saying that their feelings are far more important so it's ok to trample over yours to make themselves feel validated.

No bugger that.

@MillieEpple that is so sad

I have two boys and we hope to have a third. We want a third because we want a child, when I picture it I do picture it being a boy I suppose because that’s what I’m used to, but I would be so happy with either. I just know that when I’m (hopefully!) pregnant though we’ll get all the ‘bet you’re hoping it’s a girl’ comments. I’ve had one already actually when I said we might have a third ‘ill be keeping everything cross for you it’s a girl’. Please don’t. I’m actually dreading it, it makes me so sad that people might think we’re ‘disappointed’ if it’s a boy. I’d absolutely love either!

Your friends sound horrible OP! I had nothing but nice things said when I was pregnant with my DS from friends and strangers. I only have one though so who knows what it would be like if I had another baby. Boys are great, what a totally bonkers thing to say!

I've realised in the last year (because TWO people were giving me the silent treatment) that a lot of people say what they say to you to make themselves feel better. I always read that, I'd always heard it, but having lacked a lot of confidence until middle age, I was never any threat to anybody. But after being (perceived to be) a low status single mum to two kids, and people around me being comfortable with my lack of confidence, then, when a decade rolled on and my DC were applying to the best colleges (who knows if they'll get in though) and I have a good job and I now have a house, and I'm content, healthy, sane, secure.................. there are people who don't like that. I've triggered silent treatments by defending really small boundaries.

I know this is all so obvious that I should have got it, seen it much more clearly before, but all of the CRAP that's been flung at me in the last year is because other people around me weren't happy that I wasn't clearly a rung beneath them anymore.

One said girls are all
Yes I had this from a mum of 2 boys.

I have one (almost 9 year old) boy. I had a comment years ago that you're not a proper mum if you don't have a daughter. Currently trying for a second child and I'll be so happy either way if we manage to conceive. I find so many of my friends and family members tell themselves they're having a boy before they find out - why? It's like they want a girl so badly but they tell themselves it'll be a boy to save the disappointment? My boy is my world. I can't understand it.