Why are women so unkind about other women with male children

[istheresomethingwrongwithme]

I have two boys, aged 2 and 4. They are about as typical as children of this age can be - they argue, whinge, are boisterous, funny, inquisitive, kind and sweet and to me, they are wonderful, just as I imagine most parents think of their own children as.

Ever since I was pregnant with DS2, I was barraged with comments assuming I was hoping this one was a girl and that I would be disappointed if it were a boy. Then, when he was born, comments about surviving two boys, you'll have to have another to try for a pink one etc. It drove me mad and in the mixture of newborn hormones and sleep deprivation, made me a little sad I guess.

I'm quite open about not wanting any more children, so most people know that I won't be having a daughter. Fine by me, but the amount of unwanted sympathy and pity I'm offered for being 'stuck with all boys and no girls' is quite unbelievable. I thought perhaps that as the boys grew older and it was clear i was quite happy with my lot, people would just stop mentioning this kind of crap.

Last night I had a zoom call with a group of uni mates. One friend passed on some news on behalf of another friend (who didn't make the call) that she is pregnant with her second. Lovely, very happy for her. She has a girl already and says she 'will not cope' if this one is a boy. She will of course, but what a thing to say! Then comes along all the comments of 'boys are such hard work, girls are so much easier to parent, good luck istheresomethingwrongwithme'. What? Why?! I love my boys, no need to offer your sympathy because my children are so awful because of what's between their legs.

It probably sounds like I'm reading too much into small, off hand comments, but it's all the time. I can't say anything back because then it looks like I'm bitter. The best thing I could come up with was to say that it's lucky they have me as a mum then because I think they're great.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I love them and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I know this has been done to death on Mumsnet but I'm just feeling a bit cheesed off. Why do women say this crap all the time? Are my children really less lovely because they are little boys?

I have never had any comments, but in fairness men often get comments about being dissapointed it's not a boy etc, so I do think it swings both ways.

This is a thing. I have 3 girls. When pregnant with my 4th I felt huge pressure from certain family members for it to be a boy. Burst into tears of relief when the sonographer told me I was carrying a boy. Utter madness. Now I would tell them to fuck off.

I agree wholeheartedly with you OP.

I experienced negative comments about the birth of my son (and since then about raising a son) that I've never experienced about my DD. Otherwise lovely people seem to think it's ok to say that having a boy is not as good.

I've read something before that stuck with me, that baby girls are prized more than boys in our society and as they get older this reverses, so that by the time they are women, they are less valuable than of course men are valued more for jobs etc. Then this just accelerates as they get older and older.

And to add another level of batshit I remember my mum sneering about a neighbour who had had a girl followed by a boy. Mum was boasting she had done it “properly “ and had a boy followed by a girl. Wtf!

I have three sons. Most of the friends I have made since having them are mothers of boys. Of course, some of that is because you become friends with the mums of your sons' friends (and they are more often than not, also boys). BUT, most of these friends have only boys...two...three...four... and we just feel safe together, away from the snidey comments. It's sad really.

When you have kids you do notice sexism more. On here I notice that if someone posts about a boy bully then people will criticise the boy bully only, but if someone posts about a girl bully there will always be some sexist twat who posts "Oh yes GIRLS ARE BITCHES!" If a boy bullies it's a reflection on him. If a girl bullies it's a reflection on her entire sex apparently!

2 boys here.

The only people I have had this from are my own parents. Mum was open and vocal in her disappointment. Dad said it was natural to want one of each. Wtf.

Some people are weirdly involved in the sex of other people's babies. They also make up their own opinions and judgements as to what the parents want or trying for based on random prejudices and stereotypes.

It's stupidity and mindless drivel.

There's always comments about girls like ohh doesn't dad want a boy to carry the family name ? Oh doesn't dad want a boy to go fishing and play football with?
Or to a mum with 4 girls announcing she's pregnant again "haha you keep trying for a boy aren't you? Hopefully this one is it".

And that bullshit of you'll be outnumbered to one parent or the other or "they'll gang up on you".

It's all bullshit.

I got this comments when my two boys were small.My best friend had three girls and couldn't cope with my active boys( normal activity) and told me she was so glad that she didn't have boys as she wouldn't have coped with them.When leaving her house she said to me that she thought it would be better if the next time we met , that we meet 'without the kids'.We never did meet again.

Doesn't stop with your kids either,keeps going with GC as well.
2 grandsons,so I got "ah you never getting your girl."
Like I'm going to be standing there waiting to pounce the baby away if it's a girl.

This makes me furious.

I have two beautiful boys.

I love them with all my heart.

Fuck these people.

They aren't nice .

Get rid

But pissed. Apologies 🤪

I have a friend who calls her Son "My Sun" and doesn't talk much about her daughter.

I know Mums who run around their grown sons cooking cleaning washing.

Yes I'm unkind about that type, in the way that I avoid them as they're ridiculous. & They're always in complete denial that they pamper their sons but, they surely do.

I'm unsurprised so very many women land on FB about their lazy "no life skills" husbands.

The get out clause of the pamperers: Why blame Mothers? It's the Dads too.

When I know very well that type of woman will argue or fall out with husband over their precious son should husband even imply that a bit less could be done for precious son; or scurry around when husband is out, making sure they do their precious boys' cooking room tidying washing, and that he's no housework chores to do.

Worship of the patriarchy.

Before I had kids I did think boys would be harder work. I have some of each and the girls are much more draining. Boys mess up your house. Girls mess up your head!

I have two girls and my friend with two boys used to refer to women with only girls as “smug mothers of girls” because she has read it in a book and thought it was funny. It wasn’t and used to annoy me.
Why people feel the need to comment on the sex of other people’s children and make some judgement call on their parenting based upon it is beyond me. Children of both sex have a myriad of personalities, challenges and brilliance.

Not sure where this 'girls are easy' mentality comes from?

and couldn't cope with my active boys( normal activity)

^

Exactly? What's all this can't cope with boys? U. E. Going to the park? You can't cope?

Which begs the question, what the fuck are you doing with your girls? Indoors playing Princess?

I have four sons and have never had any negative comments about them all being the same sex.

My experience is some people like to comment on things whatever the scenario...
If you have no children people often ask when are you going to have one
If you have one they ask when will you be giving them a sibling
If you have 2 boys they assume you want a girl
If you have 2 girls they assume you want a boy
People can be so rude and over-invested in other peoples situations

I hate when people generalise about “bringing up girls” or “bringing up boys”
Children’s personalities are unique regardless of girl/boy

Give it time. As they get older you'll find the "girls only" people start envying you when the boys can have friendship fallouts and get over it in a few minutes, whereas the girls carry grudges for ages. Generalisation obviously - but with 2 teenage boys it's something I've heard expressed by a surprising number of mothers of girls.

Not read the full thread but as the mother of three boys, I do understand what you mean to some extent. It was absolutely worse when I was pregnant with DS3- lots of comments from everyone! Was even commented on at an antenatal appointment! However, now he’s here, I don’t get those comments very often, thankfully! Certainly not from my friends anyway.

I have 2 boys and no one has said anything like that to me before.

If they did I would say "have you SEEN my children? I'm the luckiest mam in the world" because that is how I feel.

I think a lot of women would like a daughter. I think western society stereotypes make women feel this way. If you have only boys it is normal to hear negative comments. People do it without even realizing. My own mum used to say she never wanted boys and was so pleased to have had girls, and wasn't it lovely that her friends daughter had girls. Yet, she is great with my two boys. I don't remind her of those comments but they hurt. People who make those comments are horrible and I often feel they look down on me so I tend to prefer being friends with mums of boys. And I am someone who never cared whether they had boys or girls but I have become sensitive to this whole issue because of how others make me feel and it is very sad. For the record lots of my friends who boys feel the same.

I’ve got two boys like you & also like you, I don’t want another baby. I’m very, very happy with my boys. They’re cuddly & active (boisterous!!) and it’s great. I have also been subjected to the “you’ll have to have another one.....it might be a girl,” type comments. I just ignore.

Aside from anything else, I don’t know where this weird notion comes from that girls are easier than boys. They’re not! My friend has five kiddies, 4 boys & 1 girl. She says give her a boy any day!!!

I have two friends who have both had two boys. They both got these comments OP. Stuff like 'oh what a shame' and 'you'll have to have another one now!'
Weirdly it was all from complete strangers. I had a DS and a DD, and when heavily pregnant with DD, and pushing DS in the trolley seat, the cashier asked 'what are you having?' And I said a girl, and she said 'oh brilliant, you can stop now.' As if I had made my contribution to society, or whatever. So people do say stuff but only total strangers, weirdly.
When I was pg with DD but didn't know she was a girl, I hoped for another DS, only because I thought 'I love my DS and I want another like that!'
I do think as people have said it's your friends at fault here, strange thing to say. Having sons is lovely. I have three fantastic nephews and it's literally never crossed my mind that my sister or my sister in law were longing for girls!

I've never experienced negative comments about my two boys, although when they were younger most other mums I socialised with had boys too. I agree that the problem is your friends. Do they socialise with you and your children too? I'd take issue with any comments like that said in front of the children and also what do they say about your boys and how they interact with each other and the little girls? I think I would be mildly insulted that my boys were somehow "lesser humans" due to their sex and would reconsider hanging out with people who thought that way!

I don't agree with boys not being emotional either, we're just starting through puberty with ours and the ups and downs of their emotions is exactly how I used to act as an early teen too. Boys have hormonal changes and worries and parental clashes too, they just arent as obvious as girls.