Why are women so unkind about other women with male children

[istheresomethingwrongwithme]

I have two boys, aged 2 and 4. They are about as typical as children of this age can be - they argue, whinge, are boisterous, funny, inquisitive, kind and sweet and to me, they are wonderful, just as I imagine most parents think of their own children as.

Ever since I was pregnant with DS2, I was barraged with comments assuming I was hoping this one was a girl and that I would be disappointed if it were a boy. Then, when he was born, comments about surviving two boys, you'll have to have another to try for a pink one etc. It drove me mad and in the mixture of newborn hormones and sleep deprivation, made me a little sad I guess.

I'm quite open about not wanting any more children, so most people know that I won't be having a daughter. Fine by me, but the amount of unwanted sympathy and pity I'm offered for being 'stuck with all boys and no girls' is quite unbelievable. I thought perhaps that as the boys grew older and it was clear i was quite happy with my lot, people would just stop mentioning this kind of crap.

Last night I had a zoom call with a group of uni mates. One friend passed on some news on behalf of another friend (who didn't make the call) that she is pregnant with her second. Lovely, very happy for her. She has a girl already and says she 'will not cope' if this one is a boy. She will of course, but what a thing to say! Then comes along all the comments of 'boys are such hard work, girls are so much easier to parent, good luck istheresomethingwrongwithme'. What? Why?! I love my boys, no need to offer your sympathy because my children are so awful because of what's between their legs.

It probably sounds like I'm reading too much into small, off hand comments, but it's all the time. I can't say anything back because then it looks like I'm bitter. The best thing I could come up with was to say that it's lucky they have me as a mum then because I think they're great.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I love them and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I know this has been done to death on Mumsnet but I'm just feeling a bit cheesed off. Why do women say this crap all the time? Are my children really less lovely because they are little boys?

[CaffeineInfusion]

Some people just suffer from Maiden Aunt Syndrome. They spout advice on marriage, and other subjects, on which they know nothing.

I've met a lot of Maiden Aunts🙄🤣

[TrainingAim]

Nope. My boys are 17 & 19yo now and can't say I've experienced this.

SIL did used to enjoy telling me aviutbhiwnmuch harder my life was going to be than with her angelic girl, but that was all about how she felt about me, not the boys

[littlepattilou]

@istheresomethingwrongwithme I see this happening a lot. People feeling sorry for parents with just sons/boys... I have one girl and have never had ANYone saying 'you need to have a boy now...' My friend who has one boy (now 18,) had people saying 'aww, you'll want to try for a girl next...' until the lad was 12 or 13, and she was 45!

I also know some women with 2 or 3 or more boys (and no girls,) who have CONSTANTLY been bombarded with 'awww, shame it was another boy' type comments, and yet the ones who have 2 or 3 or more GIRLS (and no boys) never get comments about having a boy. Indeed, some people have commented on how lucky they are to have girls...

It's weird, because in some parts of the world, especially the middle east/far east, it's BOYS who are revered, not girls.

IMO, girls are easier to deal with/look after than boys ... when they're younger (like up to 12-13.) Then when they hit their teens, they're a bloody PITA. Girls are much more toxic and bitchy than boys, and they're rude and obnoxious to their parents, and the bullying (from some girls) is more insidious than bullying from boys.

When they are grown though, (past 18/19,) they become much nicer, and much more loving and considerate. (Most of them anyway!) My DD is a really great, loyal friend to me, who I will never lose, and I absolutely adore her. She is always there for me, and we have a wonderful mother-daughter relationship. We go shopping together, on day trips together, we have lunches together, and meet for walks and long chats. (Pre-covid!) When Covid is done with, we will go back to how we were.

I know boys can be loving and loyal too, but not as much as girls IMO. That old saying 'a daughter's a daughter for all of your life, a son is a son til he gets a wife' wasn't made up for nothing. Not always but quite often, a son won't be as close to his parents as a daughter. As I said, some will, but not all.

Maybe that's why people feel sorry for people with boys.

If someone had ever said they felt sorry for me (for only having a daughter, and no sons,) I have to say, it would not have bothered me, because I always wanted a girl. I would have thought someone would only be bothered if it hit a raw nerve (and they actually do want a daughter...)


By the way, before anyone gets snarky and offended, these are just my opinions and thoughts, based on my own life experiences and the life experiences of people I know...

[theconstantinoplegardener]

I have all girls, and got similar reactions of shock and pity. One friend looked at me with an aghast expression and said, "Your poor husband!" (DH was perfectly happy with the situation!). Most comments were about us needing to put another bathroom in, or hormones and the teenage years. DH and I were, and still are, delighted with our DDs, and have no regrets (we would have been equally delighted if wed just had boys). I think most of the people who made these remarks were just making conversation and meant no harm (although the one or two who made comments about bitchiness were clearly being unpleasant). I think some people just picture a stereotypical family with mum, dad, son and daughter and dont have the imagination to see past this.

[Popskipiekin]

Only mums of all sons will recognise this OP. I get it. I have 2 wonderful DSs. I had it all the way through my second pregnancy from friends, colleagues, strangers. Then the same when he was born. Now DS2 is 4, I get it much less. I make a huge point if I ever meet mums of (all) sons to say how wonderful and fantastic and what a beautiful family they have.

The comments made me so so sad during my pregnancy and gave me mild post natal depression. I was so happy when I conceived my second boy but the comments tipped me over and I could have swapped him for a girl until he was about 9 months old, just to get away from the comments. My mil rejoicing over her first granddaughter in a way I had not had with either of my boys... my aunt and uncle who said “we’re not as excited about your son as we are with X’s new daughter, of course”... checkout workers looking into my pram and saying “well I’d want one of each, personally”. And yes all the congratulatory comments to friends / relations who had had a boy and a girl: “well done!”. They didn’t do anything ... and I didn’t not do anything... and please refer your comments to their male partners if you want to say anything at all (!).

So frustrating. I try not to think too much about it. And I rejoice in how affectionate my children (who happen to be boys) are and how settled I feel with my family now. You’ll be fine, OP. Ignore them all.

[Barracker]

People LOVE their stereotypes. Boys are this, girls are that. It's all such stupid nonsense, but it gives people something to joke about, talk about, it keeps slogan T-shirt manufacturers, greeting card companies, and children's toy producers in business. It's a common trope that people share to show they know what they're supposed to think. Boys are boys. Noisy, muddy, rowdy, then grow up to be brave, noble and strong.
Girls are sweet, kind and innocent. Then bitchy, mean and frivolous.

It's what people know they're supposed to believe. They repeat it until they've recreated it.

People tell themselves this is a general rule, but all the exceptions are somehow proof of the rule too.

There's a scene in Four weddings and a Funeral where someone suggests that people get married when they've run out of things to talk about, simply to have a common topic of conversation for the rest of their lives.

I think regurgitating stereotypes fills that conversational void for some people.

Anyway, congratulations on your boys.

[DilysMoon]

Definitely had this about my 2 DS when they were little and more comments after having DC3 who happened to be a girl. "Couldn't cope with boys" type comments, girls more likely to stick around as they get older and all that tripe. I can see it for the nonsense/envy/spite it is now but at the time and with hindsight with some form of PND it affected me for a long time. Wish I'd told the perpetrators to naff off now.

[Remmy123]

I have all boys and people assume they are pissing all over the place and my house is loud and hectic with mess everywhere - not my good friends that say this as they have met my boys and been to my house- but work colleagues!!

Weird

[istheresomethingwrongwithme]

@Popskipiekin I agree with 100% of everything you have said. The midwife who delivered DS2 had two boys and one of her sons and his partner were expecting a baby girl. She was rejoicing about the prospect of this baby being a girl literally whilst my feet were in stirrups as she stitched me up. That is no exaggeration!

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

My midwife told me I could try again for a boy after my second girl- I have no desire to try for a boy. This is just the crap mothers of two of the same sex receive, ignore it!
Also These threads inevitably lead to a girl bashing, I hate that — all children are loving and Brattish in their own ways

[HexWitch]

I had much the same when I had one of each and found out I was pregnant with my 3rd. Why would you want a 3rd when you already have one of each? Very strange outlook!

My ex-sil gets it with her 2 girls, with people saying she 'needs to try again' so she can have a boy when she's perfectly happy being a mum of girls and doesn't want a 3rd baby at all.

I think it can be a little upsetting but more annoying than anything else!

[Donotgogentle]

If it cheers you up op when DS1 was an only, a man commented “at least if you’re only having one you’ve got the right one”.

I responded you do realise I’m a female?

All sorts of stupid sexist stereotypes around, I can’t stand them either way.

[cptartapp]

I have two older teen boys and time has taught me that two of the same gender, relatively close in age, has been absolutely the best outcome for us.

This is a female forum so you'll get female views. And I do suspect most women hand on heart, prefer girls. A male forum however, would read very differently and be quite eye opening to those 'smug mothers of girls'.
Tons of research shows that the vast majority of men prefer boys, and they are far more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female. Indeed, a greater % of divorces have only female children.

[sunshineandshowers40]

People really don't think before they speak. I have more than one boy and have had multiple 🤔 comments over the year. One "friend" said she was so pleased she had two girls (as she finds boys difficult) to myself and another friend that has boys. I'm generalising but I find that mums that only have girls seem to really dislike boys. I just ignore them now!

[dancingindungarees]

Someone said to me they were sorry I'd had a boy she then went on to say you never love a son like a daughter and they never love you back .

[PolytheneHam]

I've never experienced this. Sounds like you should keep better company. I'm sorry they've made you feel crap.

[Pipandmum]

I have one of each, and they seem to be fulfilling their stereotype: she's quiet, polite, creative and hard working; he's loud, sporty and gregarious. Both teens. I do find her easier, as it happens, as she is like me, likes being on her own, pretty much does what she's told, and would rather die than break a rule. My son has to be the loudest thing in the room, is high energy, contrary beyond belief, and was constantly in trouble at school (not for being mean or a bullying, but for being late, disorganised and chatty).
But no one has ever said anything negative about him being a boy, only that it would be nice to have a girl at some point (he has two older half brothers). So the family were quite happy we had a girl.
I do know someone who had identical triplet boys- I'm sure they were a handful (as would girls have been)!

[TheBitchOfTheVicar]

time has taught me that two of the same gender, relatively close in age, has been absolutely the best outcome for us.

Agree with this

[Howshouldibehave]

I’ve never experienced this at all-your friends make some very odd comments. I’d say get some new friends.

[Mankyfruitbowl]

People just love a stereotype - then they get repeated so often that they genuinely believe them, and the cycle continues.

The thing that annoys me (as a mum of 2 girls) is that some parents who have dc of both sexes think they're the experts on "boys are like this, girls are like that", often based on a sample size of TWO!

I've often been told things like "oh you're so lucky not to have constant fart jokes" etc. Um... My girls think farts are hilarious. They're kids!

[Moonface123]

I think some women think they will be more familiar with a girl, that's all. Boys are lovely surprises, my eldest brought me some flowers today, as well as his girlfriend, so l wouldn't feel left out as widowed 7 years ago. What a lovely gesture.
My mum had three daughters, and has always said she didn't want a son, l am much closer to my sons than l have ever been to her, we never had a close relationship.

[ArchbishopOfBanterbury]

The amount of insensitive small talk you get about the sex of a baby.

I have a boy, and a mystery bump. I'm quite happy either way, but the amount of people demanding I tell them what I want, as if wanting makes any difference at all. Gender disappointment is a real, difficult, traumatic thing, why force that on someone. A healthy baby is the goal.

The rest of the comments are also lazy, outdated stereotypes. My son is super loving, and adores glitter and bunnies. He still can't kick a ball, not fussed at all. People are people, with individual personalities. Not production line replicas.

[wewillmeetagain]

Yes I completely get it OP! I have 3 sons and one daughter and people always assume DD is the youngest ( she's actually number 3) and that we stopped trying when we " finally" got a girl! Its a very strange way to think if you ask me, i had four kids because I wanted four kids not because i was desperate for a daughter!

[Cam2020]

I've never heard of this but how horrible and utterly stupid. Children have their own personalities that are both wonderful and challenging at times regardless of sex!

[Covidcorvid]

It does happen the other way on as well. I have a SIL with 4x girls who has had lots of comments about not having a boy, how she must have had 4 kids as kept trying for a boy, how BIL must be outnumbered, how the house must be hormone hell, etc.