Why are women so unkind about other women with male children

[istheresomethingwrongwithme]

I have two boys, aged 2 and 4. They are about as typical as children of this age can be - they argue, whinge, are boisterous, funny, inquisitive, kind and sweet and to me, they are wonderful, just as I imagine most parents think of their own children as.

Ever since I was pregnant with DS2, I was barraged with comments assuming I was hoping this one was a girl and that I would be disappointed if it were a boy. Then, when he was born, comments about surviving two boys, you'll have to have another to try for a pink one etc. It drove me mad and in the mixture of newborn hormones and sleep deprivation, made me a little sad I guess.

I'm quite open about not wanting any more children, so most people know that I won't be having a daughter. Fine by me, but the amount of unwanted sympathy and pity I'm offered for being 'stuck with all boys and no girls' is quite unbelievable. I thought perhaps that as the boys grew older and it was clear i was quite happy with my lot, people would just stop mentioning this kind of crap.

Last night I had a zoom call with a group of uni mates. One friend passed on some news on behalf of another friend (who didn't make the call) that she is pregnant with her second. Lovely, very happy for her. She has a girl already and says she 'will not cope' if this one is a boy. She will of course, but what a thing to say! Then comes along all the comments of 'boys are such hard work, girls are so much easier to parent, good luck istheresomethingwrongwithme'. What? Why?! I love my boys, no need to offer your sympathy because my children are so awful because of what's between their legs.

It probably sounds like I'm reading too much into small, off hand comments, but it's all the time. I can't say anything back because then it looks like I'm bitter. The best thing I could come up with was to say that it's lucky they have me as a mum then because I think they're great.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I love them and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I know this has been done to death on Mumsnet but I'm just feeling a bit cheesed off. Why do women say this crap all the time? Are my children really less lovely because they are little boys?

[istheresomethingwrongwithme]

It's not just my friends though. It's strangers in the supermarket. It's my Mum who said maybe we should try for another one because it might be a little girl next time. It's the (childless) lady next door who said little boys are horrible until they become teenagers. It's my (otherwise lovely) aunt who spotted that 'a daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he finds a wife' line at DS2's christening.

I probably just need some witty responses!

[blackcat86]

Remember that you can't fix stupid! I had some jealously in my nct group because I was the only one having a girl (personally I wasn't bothered either way) but DD is by far the hardest of all 6 dc. As newborns the boys were easy going and slept well whilst DD was a clingy sleep thief. The boys met all their physical milestone easily whilst DD didn't- didn't walk until she was 2. She's very bright and an early talker so follows adults around asking questions whilst the boys happily run around with the a football. I love DD but I'm a bit jealous of the boy mums! The boys look a lot easier!

[KarensChoppyBob]

I love them equally but my DS was far easier to parent than my DD.

Ignore,ignore, ignore OP.

People that make sweeping generalisations often aren't the brightest.

[istheresomethingwrongwithme]

You're all making me feel a lot better by the way!

[31RooCambon]

@Shinyletsbebadguys I agree. The purpose of the remark is to come out of the exchange feeling superior and it's sad and pathetic that people carry on like this but they can and they do. A relative of mine who is pushing 50 gave me the silent treatment for, well, the bones of a year and I'm not 100% sure it's over, because I defend a small boundary.
The purpose of this silent treatment is the same as a remark about whether it's better to be a mum to girls or a mum to boys. It's to put you back in your place (beneath them) and to feel good about what they have/do.

They can only feel good about who they are, what they have or what they do if they compare it somebody ELSE and declare them self the winner.

Sometimes these people are really dominant in social groups. Not well liked as such but always considered, always central so they can have a lot of power and it can be hard to stand up to them.

The shining a light on the issue technique is really good though. And in the future I will use it instead of passively sticking my head in the sand.

It goes something like this.

''i feel like you pity me for having sons. I'm happy with my lot. Is it your intention to make me feel pitied?'' and nine times out of ten they will say ''oh gosh no, no no not at all''. Just take them at their word and smile and say ''oh I'm so relieved! We're both happy! phew''.

It seems like a small and meaningless exchange but it puts them on notice apparently.

[CaraDuneRedux]

@istheresomethingwrongwithme

It's not just my friends though. It's strangers in the supermarket. It's my Mum who said maybe we should try for another one because it might be a little girl next time. It's the (childless) lady next door who said little boys are horrible until they become teenagers. It's my (otherwise lovely) aunt who spotted that 'a daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he finds a wife' line at DS2's christening.

I probably just need some witty responses!

I think it's ingrained sexism.

It doesn't do either sex any good. Boys are written off as boisterous, messy and rubbish (which they aren't of course - mine is wonderful), and at the same time, the same set of stereotypes are used to push girls into pretty pink be-ribboned boxes with no room to move (and woe betide the girl who is naturally boisterous and messy).

It's crap all round. But remarkably prevalent because sexism is incredibly prevalent - even among women.

[BorderlineHappy]

I think if you're getting questions like girls are easier
Answer with why?
Answer every question with Why?
Stand there,don't say anything,when people have to explain their stupid questions,they usually can't.

[Stompythedinosaur]

Yuck, I wouldn't want to be friends with such a sexist bunch!

For what it's worth, I got plenty of stick for having two dds - lots from dp's side of the family about needing to try again for a boy to carry on the family name, a few barbed comments about being "unable to give dp a son".

Basically, people can be cunts. I know my dds are perfect for us, I bet your dss are perfect too.

[istheresomethingwrongwithme]

@31RooCambon and @Shinyletsbebadguys you raise very good points there, particularly when I think about my Zoom call last night. I won't go into too much detail in case it's outing, but that's a very valid viewpoint given the circumstances of some of the group. Thank your

[StellaDendrite]

You are really overthinking this. If people say something rude or hurtful then tell them. There is nothing wrong with reminding people that not everyone wants the same as other people.
I’m sure you will get a million anecdotal posts about how boys are closer to their mums or girls are much harder work but they are all meaningless really. You’ve got your kids and they are what they are. There is literally no point giving it any thought.
I had two boys and when I was pregnant with my third I told my husband if it was a boy I would like to try again for. a girl. I wanted a girl and don’t see anything wrong with expressing that. However I knew with absolute certainty that I wouldn’t be ‘dissapointed’ with a boy.
As it was I ended up having two boys then two girls.
I wouldn’t dream of ever commenting on other people’s children - you never know if you might upset someone or not. I’m also not interested 😅

[3JsMa]

Fuck me ,I should probably be stoned for wanting boys .
I always wanted 3 sons,no idea why this number exactly.Never longed for a girl,never thought I would be able to cope with girly stuff etc.
So yes,I have 3 boys which were the easiest kids to parent,my 2 oldest are late teenagers.Then a long break,another boy(my exH quite upset as he was hoping for a girl.He did persuade me to have another one and the last one was a GIRL! I had mixed feelings but tbh I was mostly worried about how I am going to cope with DD.
Yes,I love her to bits but can definitely say that girls are way harder to raise than boys.I am always assuming it was karma for having 3 well behaved DSs and my DD makes up for it now with her moodiness,big mouth and stubborness.

[ConeHat]

I have three boys and then had a girl. If I had had my dd first I would have materialised myself with a teaspoon. She is 1000% more hard work than all three of my sons.

Kids are individual personalities and they dont live up to what society expects. Ignore the comments. Yes they do hurt and I still get some comments but they do trail off as the kids get older and you also brush them off faster.

My sil once told my mil ( who then told me) "why didnt come just have a girl and boy like me?"

That just did it for me and showed me that most comments come from a place of utter stupidity and nastiness

[ConeHat]

I mean steralised!

[LittleTiger007]

You do need new friends.

[Rocksandstones]

I always think that people who make these sort of comments are so...basic? They want a girl to go ‘shopping with’ and the dad wants a boy to ‘play football with’. It really does makes my eyes roll when someone is disappointed they aren’t having a girl, because now they can’t do all their ‘girly’ activities together.
Personally if your friends are being twats about it then I’d give them a wide birth, or if you can be bothered try and educate them that there is much much more to personality than sex.
It does make me laugh when my boys are much more gentle and cuddly than my friend who has a girl and gave me sympathetic looks in the early days. I’m also pleased for her daughter, she’s being boisterous and loud as that’s who she is and ridiculous ‘girls must be sensible’ stereotypes haven’t stopped her!

[Lotusmonster]

Weird. I’ve never observed what you’re describing at all.

[Barbadosgirl]

I had a few comments- a client said to me “You know what you need, Barbados? A little girl.” “No, Sam, what I need is my own bathroom.” I think it is about, OP. I got raised eyebrows when we “chose” to have a second boy (our kids are adopted). Equally I know someone with three girls who gets comments along the lines that her husband must be dying to have a boy he can play rugby with (girls not being able to do that, of course).

[BurningBenches]

Lots of people are odd and rude.

I'm mother to 3 girls in a row, followed by a boy after a large gap. When I had my 3rd DD we got loads of unsolicited comments (mainly strangers in supermarkets when i was there with a 10yo 18m old and newborn girls) about trying for a boy next time, how awful they will all be in the teenage years, poor DH outnumbered etc. Got it all the time. I don't think I ever got a positive comment.

Had baby DS and I got lots of yay you got your boy, well done, DH must be delighted etc. He is a delight, much wanted but had he been DD4 he would have been just as loved.

My friends who have multiple daughters all say the same regarding comments, likewise my friends with boys. The ideal generally seems to one of each. If you have one of each, well you're done. If you have 2 the same you must be trying for what you don't have.

[SimonJT]

You would probably get similar comments if you had girls, people who are unkind are unlikely to be nice if you had girls.

I have a son, I think hes fab, like him number two will be adopted, I don’t care if we’re eventually matched with a girl or boy, other people seem interested though. People have either assumed we will only say yes to a girl so we have one of each, others have assumed we would only say yes to a boy so its ‘easier’ raising two the the same (apparently your genitals determine your needs and behaviour) or they think we wouldn’t be capable of raising a girl. Funnily enough all the people who have made stupid comments are the ones who manage to find a negative in absolutely everything.

[Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin]

I have a dd and wanted more but didn't happen - my friend has a ds and he is an only so we quite often borrow each others kids for holidays and weekends etc - makes me think l missed out by not having a boy tbh! Love him like he is my own.
Got another friend with 3 sons who said she will never feel complete til she has a girl which annoyed me as l was desperate for baby number 2 which never happened.

[SonjaMorgan]

My DD was so much more hard work and we had a year around her 14th birthday that nearly broke me. DS is lazy and less academic but far more loving and kind.

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

I have encountered the same attitude, OP. Women often assume girl babies will be close to them as adults whereas boys will grow up and be lost to them.

It is a bit disheartening, and I am surprised people on this thread have not run into it, because it is not a rare attitude.

[LittleOverwhelmed]

@istheresomethingwrongwithme honestly, just ignore them! (most especially strangers).

A lot of people are ignorant, misinformed or just see a narrow perspective... the world is a diverse place and not everything and everyone follows narrow preconceptions.

I have posted up- thread about my gorgeous DS - who I wouldn’t change for the world. However, before I knew he was going to be a boy, I had always kind of wanted a girl: girls are the best right? Fun, sweet, laid back....? THEN I had my 20 week scan and found I was having a boy: I was immediately overjoyed!!! I never ever looked back.

At the end of the day, whatever you have is great.

[Coffeeandcake1]

Ive had one of each and have been surprised by the amount of people that have said 'well done' and 'you don't need any more now!'
If anything it would have been easier to have another boy to reuse all the clothes!
And it sed to really irritate me when people say things like you need a girl so you're not surrounded by cars and dinosaurs, they're just toys and my girl may want cars and dinosaurs anyway!

[Fembot123]

Honestly I promise you people talk a lot of crap about girls too, I’ve seen loads of that on this very site. That they are bitchy, spiteful and little madams. I’ve got both and they are all amazing and different but none of them are mean.