Why are women so unkind about other women with male children

[istheresomethingwrongwithme]

I have two boys, aged 2 and 4. They are about as typical as children of this age can be - they argue, whinge, are boisterous, funny, inquisitive, kind and sweet and to me, they are wonderful, just as I imagine most parents think of their own children as.

Ever since I was pregnant with DS2, I was barraged with comments assuming I was hoping this one was a girl and that I would be disappointed if it were a boy. Then, when he was born, comments about surviving two boys, you'll have to have another to try for a pink one etc. It drove me mad and in the mixture of newborn hormones and sleep deprivation, made me a little sad I guess.

I'm quite open about not wanting any more children, so most people know that I won't be having a daughter. Fine by me, but the amount of unwanted sympathy and pity I'm offered for being 'stuck with all boys and no girls' is quite unbelievable. I thought perhaps that as the boys grew older and it was clear i was quite happy with my lot, people would just stop mentioning this kind of crap.

Last night I had a zoom call with a group of uni mates. One friend passed on some news on behalf of another friend (who didn't make the call) that she is pregnant with her second. Lovely, very happy for her. She has a girl already and says she 'will not cope' if this one is a boy. She will of course, but what a thing to say! Then comes along all the comments of 'boys are such hard work, girls are so much easier to parent, good luck istheresomethingwrongwithme'. What? Why?! I love my boys, no need to offer your sympathy because my children are so awful because of what's between their legs.

It probably sounds like I'm reading too much into small, off hand comments, but it's all the time. I can't say anything back because then it looks like I'm bitter. The best thing I could come up with was to say that it's lucky they have me as a mum then because I think they're great.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I love them and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I know this has been done to death on Mumsnet but I'm just feeling a bit cheesed off. Why do women say this crap all the time? Are my children really less lovely because they are little boys?

I’ve never experienced it as badly as you describe, and tbf I have one of each now but after my first (DS) yes I did get the sense that a boy was less desirable.
Comments such as “I bet you really want the next to be a girl” when he was a few months old and we hadn’t even considered a second baby. And when I was pregnant with DD “I’m so happy for you that you got your girl!”

I found the last one really hard to respond to because I didn’t want to make out I was upset to be pregnant with a girl because of course I wasn’t, I was thrilled that I was having another baby and indifferent towards the sex, but I just found the sentiment such a slight on my DS.

Another person I know, pregnant with her second after DD1, talking about whether she’d be “lucky” enough to get another DD. Because she was talking about herself it obviously wasn’t a comment I could really respond to in the way I would have if she’d said anything about me / my DC.

I had the same over 2 girls. ‘Never mind, next time...’ etc.

I let it wash over me. Dh and I were very happy and that was all that mattered. I never felt a yen for a ‘blue’ one.

I was probably affected to some extent by my DM (I was the 2nd girl of 2) and although she did try not to make it obvious, she definitely favoured no. 3 - a boy. And once told me that it was ‘natural’ for a mother to feel differently about a son.
So my dd2 was definitely never going to be 2nd best.

Is this a thing?

I have a boy. Won’t be having any more children (my friends and family know this). Nobody has ever ever asked if I’m sad I didn’t or won’t have a girl.

Maybe you do just need new friends?

I have two girls and have also had comments about "surely" I'll try for another so that I can have a boy. Some people just seem to think a family is not complete without at least one of each. Weird. Don't take any notice.

I’m also really really sad to see comments up thread about “worship of the patriarchy”.

I have very very strong feminist views. And yes I dote on my son. And yes I call him “my sunshine”. If he were a girl, it would be precisely the same.

Please let’s not make loving our male children a feminist issue.

I'm expecting my second boy - my son is 3 in may and baby is due next month.
And 99% of people when I told them I was having a boy said 'oh I bet you wanted a girl' 'are you sure it's not a girl' 'oh Christ another boy' I got 1 nice comment out of everyone I told.

I have 2 girls, I would have loved to have a boy, but my 2 girls are awesome.
They’re like chalk and cheese - 1 quiet, loves to sit and draw, favourite colour is pink and everything has to have unicorns on! She wouldn’t be seen dead in trousers!
The other loves dinosaurs, never ever sits still, always climbing and running around.
I have no idea what parenting boys is like. But I do know their genitals do not dictate their personality.
When DD2 was born, DH got a lot of “are you going to try for a boy?” and “you’ll need a man cave!” I got none of that.
Enjoy your boys OP!

My daughter was terrified that her third would be a girl.She's so happy to have three boys, all lovely happy clever boys

I have 3 boys. I do sort of think girls are favoured socially. People are still into all the sugar and spice and all things nice type crap. But I love my boys. I will never have a girl. It might have been nice but as a 40+ divorcee that ship has sailed.

People are weird. I have a 2 year old boy, I love him to death and if I'm fortunate to have a second, I'd personally prefer a second son. I qcr would prefer not to have a daughter, but that is more to do with my terrible relationship with my own mother above anything else. Ignore those who try to convince you you 'need' one of each. All you need to do is love the children you bear.

Oh and of course, if I were to have a daughter, I'd love her just as much as my son. I just meant, not everyone wants one of each; it isn't unusual to be a mother and be happy with sons!

I think you get this on either end tbh? I have 2 boys & am currently pregnant woth my 3rd admittedly this is most likely going to be my last & I would have liked a girl. I love my boys & wouldn't change them for the world! I'd of just liked a girl for all the girly things, I mean my youngest is nearly 5 & will sometimes ask if I can paint his nails 😂 But thats about as far as it goes!

I definitely got a lot of comments this pregnancy saying oh I bet you're hoping for a girl, family wanted a girl after me having 2 boys as both sides of the family have alot more boys & only 2 girls & I definitelygot a lot of comments of oh you'll have your hands full with 3 boys to look after. But I never got the feeling any of it came across unkind, I think if you have girls it's the same. I've always heard people say girls are hard work in their teens, they backchat & have attitude ect. So I suppose mums of just girls or boys both get comments like it.

I'm not English but I think there is a belief amongst some (in England) if you don't have a girl you are missing out on something. I have 3 sisters & my mum would have liked a boy. I had the "1st boy" & my parents were very excited. I now have both sexes but in some ways prefer the same sex thing but maybe that's because that's what I had & my sisters & I are all very close.
I remember 2 colleagues bickering because the one with only girls said to the one with only boys "are you sad you didn't have a daughter". She replied "is your husband sad he doesn't have a son?". Apparently the retort was more offensive 🤷‍♀️

I have 1 of each, when I was pregnant with my son, we didn't find out what we were having.
A friend of mine told me they couldn't have a surprise as they would be so disappointed if it was a boy and would need time to come to terms with it!

I just can't understand feelings like that but it does seem to be quite common.

Totally agree @istheresomethingwrongwithme

I've had similar comments

Also I was told by a mum if girls that every woman really wants a girl

These comments are upsetting, I dont know why people dont think

People just talk shit.

I’ve had comments about how I need to give my daughter a sibling. But I had a stillbirth before I had my daughter and feel no inclination to go through another high risk high anxiety pregnancy. People still feel the need to comment about how lonely she’ll be. I’ve literally told people to fuck off before and to keep their noses out. Even my own mother. Fuck people.

I have 3 DS'a, oldest one is 12, I STILL get the "have to try again for a girl" comments - umm no!

Also, my mil genuinely did want a girl after 3 boys. She got one... except he’s ftm and transitioning so there’s no guarantees that what you have is what you’ll end up with!

I've three sons, all now in their 20s and wonderful young men of whom I'm very proud. They all adore me and are close to me, so I must have done something right!

I never had any desire to have a girl, though I'm sure I'd have coped perfectly well if I'd had one.

I've had my share of comments over the years, along the lines of was I going to try again for a girl. I have always batted them back by asking them what on earth they think is wrong with having all boys. They never have an answer to that.

I have one of each and I've noticed "girl mums" (those who only have girls) are quite sniffy about boys and very much have a "boys are gross" attitude. I cut ties with one girl mum friend who allowed her DDs to bully my son, and thought it was ok because they're "only girls", but Merry hell broke loose when her precious DD got called smelly at school by a boy...because boys are obviously big brutish bullies

I’m sorry your friends are so negative about boys. I have a DS and baby DD. I would have been perfectly happy if she had been a boy. My DS is a beautiful, sunny, hilarious little chap who loves a cuddle and is my little shadow. Ignore them or get new friends!

I have two boys the same age as you and the only comments I get are either ‘you’ve got your hands full with them’ or ‘boys are easy like dogs - they just need lots of food and exercise’.

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows I am a “girl mum” and don’t think about boys in the way you have described at all. I am a “girl mum” because the XY sperm met the eggs I released. It does not define who I am or how I think.

I have a high-sentitive, very emotional boy who enjoys crafts and hates playing sport and a totally wild, spirited daughter who loves all ball games and doesn't want to sit still for more than 5 minutes.

People seem to be constantly disappointed that they are not meeting their pre-concieved notions

Sorry meant X not XY - I’m tired!!