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Original poster

How to help my partner with his dirty nappy aversion?

407 replies

Cleaneatingisawesome · 24/01/2021 09:49

My partner is a wonderful father to our 6 month old son.

The only thing he's got a big, big problem with is changing dirty nappies. He's okay with urine, but if our son does a poo my partner always starts to gag, like he's about to throw up. The smell and look just makes him feel very sick.

He always calls me for help then, even if I have a lie in.

I'm just worried how he will cope on a day when I'm out of the house and he needs to look after our son himself.

Does anyone have tips how he can overcome this?

He's had an aversion against dirty nappies his whole life and we hoped it would change with his own child, but it didn't.

OP posts:
VienneseWhirligig · 25/01/2021 01:40

@sortmylifeoutplease but you got yourself a workaround to enable you to do it. You didn't make a crap excuse about flat pack furniture being your forte instead of taking care of your child. This is the difference. You cracked on, despite your aversion.

PeggyHill · 25/01/2021 01:41

@Arobase

But I'm genuinely worried. One time I was lying in bed in the morning and my partner started doing these screams. Almost like he was in agony. I felt immediate panic as I thought he had stumbled, fell down and perhaps dropped the baby. I thought something had happened to our son.

I ran down the stairs in a panic only to find him bent over gagging.

I really struggle to understand how anyone could scream if they were gagging, or indeed if they were feeling faint. I have a sensitive gag reflex, and when I'm gagging the most noise I can make is a quiet retching noise. If you can take in enough breath to scream, it's highly unlikely that you would be feeling faint.

I'm inclined to agree with this.

When I was suffering with bad morning sickness during my second pregnancy and my daughter had a tummy bug, I was gagging whilst cleaning up her overflowing nappies. I managed to not actually throw up on her, but had to run to the toilet straight afterwards to puke.

At no point did I scream and shout. Gagging noises aren't that loud.

He's clearly doing it to get OP's attention. Like a child.

sortmylifeoutplease · 25/01/2021 01:45

[quote VienneseWhirligig]@sortmylifeoutplease but you got yourself a workaround to enable you to do it. You didn't make a crap excuse about flat pack furniture being your forte instead of taking care of your child. This is the difference. You cracked on, despite your aversion.[/quote]
Yes I did. I'm just saying it's a real thing to posters saying he just doesn't like nappies / is male etc. I'm also trying to show OP that like other aversions, it can be tackled.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3-6 months old 6-9 months old Babies & sleep Families
Topseyt · 25/01/2021 02:01

I would have been most unimpressed with DH if he had pulled this stunt.

Nobody likes changing shitty nappies but it goes with the territory of being a parent. You simply have to just get on with it.

In fact, as the parents of a baby you have to get used to being puked on, puked on, pissed on farted on and shat on. It happens, and you just have to get on with it and clean it up. That includes father's.

So my "tip" would be that he has to man up here. I presume that he copes with his own shit and doesn't make such an enormous drama there that you have to go in and wipe his arse for him before he passes out.

He absolutely isn't going to pass out because of a bit of poo. Ignore his dramatics and leave him to get on with it.

FunkBus · 25/01/2021 02:05

"It's not just men! I'm female!"

Yes and some women are violent, but if you look at the crime statistics, violent crime is overwhelmingly perpetuated by men.

By and large, the poor sausages who can't deal with baby poop are men.

timeisnotaline · 25/01/2021 04:00

@Cleaneatingisawesome

I spoke with my partner this afternoon and he said that he's the one in the relationship that for insurance assembles flatpack furniture as I don't have the skills to do it and that I should be the one changing nappies as he doesn't have the skills to change nappies.
Does he honestly think you couldn’t assemble flat pack furniture? What a dismissive tosser.

If he died, you’d be fine. Not crippled in basic life by an inability to assemble furniture, because youd work it out. If you died, your baby would be screwed. That’s not an acceptable situation for me, he has to demonstrate the capacity to do something as basic for his child as change a pooey nappy so I know he’s fit to be a parent.

I have an aversion to food in early pregnancy. I still feed my dc (this Vix under the nose might be a huge help). And if I’m gagging, I’m not screaming as that would be pathetic but you can’t do both at the same time anyway, which means he’s doing the second as part of his pathetic drama queen act. Ugh.

Pyewhacket · 25/01/2021 04:29

Surgical mask or builders type respirator and disposable latex free gloves. eBay. I’ve had student nurses who gag at cleaning up shit. No point shouting or bullying.

wellthatsunusual · 25/01/2021 04:45

@Pyewhacket

Surgical mask or builders type respirator and disposable latex free gloves. eBay. I’ve had student nurses who gag at cleaning up shit. No point shouting or bullying.
My mind boggles at someone deciding to go into nursing if they know that these things make them gag. I think I'd really enjoy 95% of nursing and even be good at it, but I knew I could never be suited to it because vomit makes me vomit too, so I never applied.
Graphista · 25/01/2021 05:15

Honestly? He just needs to get on with it!

Vicks will help with the smell a little, If he's worried about it getting on his hands he could use latex gloves, good quick technique will help.

But really just plenty of practice/exposure

My mind boggles at someone deciding to go into nursing if they know that these things make them gag

I'm an ex nurse, trust me EVERYONE has something they really are repulsed at dealing with, some it's poo, some it's vomit, some it's less common things like thumbs (yep had a colleague who HATED dealing with thumbs) but the vast majority just push through although swapping such tasks is not uncommon, you tend to get to know who hates doing what and "trade" eg I'd swap with thumb person and they'd do the thing I hated (which I won't mention as also somewhat unusual)

I'd deal with the thing I hated when I had to without (hopefully) showing my feelings to the patient.

Someone I know is married to another hcp who's job is almost ENTIRELY dealing with the thing the 1st person hates! It makes for interesting conversations when he's explaining what he does at eg a dinner party and she's sat next to him trying not to listen Grin

There are always things that help mitigate or reduce the issue and again lots of practice helps

Porridgeoat · 25/01/2021 05:16

Get him some of those swimming nose things which stop air getting in

Porridgeoat · 25/01/2021 05:17

Also exposure. The more he does it the easier it will become

AaronPurr · 25/01/2021 06:51

I will ask him to a dirty nappy change tomorrow on his own so that he can get used to it.

Given his pathetic excuse about flat pack furniture I can see exactly how this conversation will go.

You'll ask him to change a nappy, he'll gag, shout, scream, make a pathetic song and dance about how he just can't do it. You'll step in, and he'll have shown you once again that he's incapable of meeting the basic needs of his son. What a depressing situation.

timeisnotaline · 25/01/2021 06:56

@AaronPurr

I will ask him to a dirty nappy change tomorrow on his own so that he can get used to it.

Given his pathetic excuse about flat pack furniture I can see exactly how this conversation will go.

You'll ask him to change a nappy, he'll gag, shout, scream, make a pathetic song and dance about how he just can't do it. You'll step in, and he'll have shown you once again that he's incapable of meeting the basic needs of his son. What a depressing situation.

She has to leave the house. Go for an hour long walk while he gets on with it. Leave a recorder to see if he screams when there’s no one there to hear Grin
Shoxfordian · 25/01/2021 07:04

Nobody likes changing shitty nappies though, it’s just part of being a parent. He needs to step up and do it

chocolateypeanuty · 25/01/2021 07:09

God you must be jumping his bones. Screaming over a nappy. That's attractive.

297vic · 25/01/2021 07:27

I remember my DP saying over and over that he would never change a pooey nappy when we was expecting our first child. As soon as she was born he never mentioned it and just got on with it because he wouldn't want our DD to be uncomfortable sat in poo.
Your DH is being a big spoilt baby and you pussyfooting around him being so pathetic is also pathetic imo.

Milomonster · 25/01/2021 08:10

The flat pack comment is awfully patronising and I wonder what other things he says/does to belittle you. My first thought when I read this was that he cleans his own arse. He’s been watching too many YouTube vids of dads doing similar gagging. I would not have tolerated this at all. You need to go out for a few hours (preferably straight after your baby has pood) and let him get on with it.

peridito · 25/01/2021 09:09

@Cleaneatingisawesome I've not read all 16 pages of ranting at your husband so this may have been suggested but humming to yourself helps with gagging .

good luck

Arobase · 25/01/2021 09:30

You'll ask him to change a nappy, he'll gag, shout, scream, make a pathetic song and dance about how he just can't do it. You'll step in, and he'll have shown you once again that he's incapable of meeting the basic needs of his son. What a depressing situation.

I'd hope that, having forewarned her DH that she won't be responding to shouts or screams, OP will walk as far away as possible and use ear plugs, or even go out. Or, if she's too worried to leave him to it, she agrees beforehand that she'll be in the room (still with ear plugs!) but won't intervene even if he throws up.

MustardMitt · 25/01/2021 10:32

STOP apologising!

@Cleaneatingisawesome tell him to sit on the floor to clean his child. He won’t hurt himself or his baby if he ‘collapses’ then Hmm

Does he do flat packs twice a day every day? Not comparable. The more you post about him the lazier and stupider he seems.

I’m sorry but the way you come across is completely downtrodden and the more you describe him the more I can’t help but feel you’re being taken advantage of hugely here. He has a child. He needs to be able to do all the care of this child. That’s the bottom line. He’s refusing to now because it’s distasteful to him.

SnoozyLou · 25/01/2021 11:55

I do wonder how he went on after you had the baby if you were in a bad way. I had a c section with both of mine. Partner couldn't stay with us last time because of covid restrictions, but I didn't change a nappy for about a week with my first (I was high as a kite). I was throwing up everywhere and my partner hates vomit. Unfortunately, in some situations, you just have to get on with it.

This is one of those situations! You will get pissed off with it in the end, especially if you have a second or third. I would have thrown my toys out of the pram in the first week.

He needs to crack on and resolve it before your son picks up on his the retching etc. I don't think it would be good for him to think poo is disgusting from a toilet training point of view. Plus it definitely won't get any better from your husband's point of view. He needs to pitch in and get desensitised now.

AprilThe8th · 25/01/2021 12:01

Hook a scented nappy bag handle over each ear

Shinyletsbebadguys · 25/01/2021 12:08

See heres the thing OP I have an ex husband who is a very loving and caring dad. No he is. Except

It started that he "struggled " with nappies because his mother had never taught himHmm
Then he couldn't get up in the night with the babies because if his work hours
Then he couldn't bear the mess the DC made learning to eat solid food because it made him feel sick
Then he had social anxiety so skipped ds1 first birthday party he was invited to when he was with him( we had split up by then)
Then he couldn't read to them or support them with schooling because I has awful traumatic memories of schooling and it triggers him.

Yep he is loving and sweet with them. There genuinely is no doubt at all he loves them. As long as it's nothing hard. Nothing to do with injuries, nothing to do with getting them to eat healthily, nothing to do with schools or studying. Because he can't work out the home schooling systems because he has a phobia about schooling (despite using complex online systems professionally).

See where I am going here. A parent isn't just sweet and loving. I am often not sweet with my DC when I am insisting they brush their teeth (Exdh doesnt make them do this at theirs because he is afraid of doing it the wrong way Hmm).

A parent steps up. Exdh tried the gagging once and at the time I didn't have the spine I learnt to develop later on to keep my DC safe , but I detested (and still do) attention seeking gagging. It's a bugbear of mine. Whilst I accept there are some genuine cases , they are very rarely the ones who make an absolute performance out of it. The attention seekers do a huge song and dance gagging routine (most often seen when there is a food they don't want to eat and they are feeing ignored) so actually I gave him both barrels. Everyone has gagged once or twice at nappies. Quietly and got the hell on with it.

Shouting and bending over fetching was designed to make you come running.

All of exdhs excuses seemed reasonable at the time and like the poor little lamb wanted to try but was sufffeeerrring...was it bollocks. Then as now he just didn't want to do the hard bits.

It's fun playing with a baby and snuggling them. Much less fun changing the nappy. Being a parent requires both parts. He needs to get the hell on with it.

Same4Walls · 25/01/2021 12:15

Shinyletsbebadguys what a harrowing post. Sad I strongly suspect this is exactly how the OPs partner will turn out. It's not hard to see why he's your ex.

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