How to help my partner with his dirty nappy aversion?

[Cleaneatingisawesome]

My partner is a wonderful father to our 6 month old son.

The only thing he's got a big, big problem with is changing dirty nappies. He's okay with urine, but if our son does a poo my partner always starts to gag, like he's about to throw up. The smell and look just makes him feel very sick.

He always calls me for help then, even if I have a lie in.

I'm just worried how he will cope on a day when I'm out of the house and he needs to look after our son himself.

Does anyone have tips how he can overcome this?

He's had an aversion against dirty nappies his whole life and we hoped it would change with his own child, but it didn't.

Some friends of ours moved closer to his grandchildren, so they could help out with childcare. He told his wife (who had never had any children) that she would have to change his grandchildren's nappies because he couldn't face it.

She completely enabled him in his aversion by stepping in and changing nappies. Quite honestly, although it's nothing to do with me, I've never forgiven either of them over this. I honestly think she should have told him to get stuffed and get on with it.

This is what you should do @Cleaneatingisawesome

My DH was not great at shitty nappies. But on every occasion in which I was not available he just dug down and dealt with it-because he could not entertain leaving a baby in a dirty nappy.
On the occasions where I was available we had a deal...I’m not great with sick you see...so he agreed to deal with all and any sick that may emit from our darlings. And I did shitty nappies. I think I got the better end of the deal to be fair. Especially when DC2 threw up spaghetti bolognaise over the banister-of the top floor of a three storey house...it hit every single floor on its way down and even hit the cat .

@5zeds

It won’t kill him to put the baby down, throw up and carry on. How does the think pregnant women with morning sickness get through the day? You are BOTH being ridiculous.

I used to change my son in the bathroom so I could be sick in the toilet while changing him. Normally if I was sick it would be once or twice, but not straight after each other.

When he had worms I think we were on day 2/3 of worms, I was being sick and couldn’t stop for maybe two minutes, so obviously when I turned around his shit was spread all over him and the bathroom.

The only saving grace is that it was a wetroom so I could just swill it clean with buckets of water and bleach. It was a lovely introduction to parenting.

Or perhaps you could acknowledge this is a particular area of weakness and he is genuinely struggling. You could offer to trade off something you don't particularly enjoy doing with all the dirty nappies you're available to do.

Ok, and if it was the mother who had the aversion, what would you suggest? That dad should never leave the house or have a lie-in until the baby is potty-trained???

The problem with babies is it's not like doing the ironing or taking the bins out which only needs to be done occasionally. Their nappies need changing very regularly throughout the day and one adult needs to be on constant stand-by to do it. If two adults share it, then both can have some down-time, go out on their own, have a lie-in. If only one adult does it, then that adult cannot have time off. At all.

My FIL proudly boasts about how he never changed a nappy and that he stayed at work or the pub or went out dancing until the kids were teenagers.

In recent years my MIL has had several major illnesses. After an operation gone wrong, he didn't even pick her up from the hospital sending someone else to do it. He came home for 20 minutes to see her then tried to leave her alone (unable to see) to go back to work. She hadn't eaten for over 24 hours and asked for tea and something plain like toast. He rang someone from work to pick her up a McDonalds, which she would never eat. I ended up leaving work to feed her, then myself, DH and family members took it in turns to see to her needs.

I think she assumed my FIL didn't look after his own children because it wasn't man's work. It became evident that his lack of care extends to her too. It put a massive strain on their marriage.

Don't end up like her OP, she has coped by now excusing this behaviour as he's too sensitive to cope with illness. Your DH is avoiding caring for his own offspring and he's manipulating you into doing everything. He puts himself first, don't you want someone who loves you enough to understand you have needs too?

And no I don't hate men. My husband was a fully paid up responsible parent who was just as capable as me and loved looking after his son. I both respect and like him.

Tell him to get a grip
He's being ridiculous

And no I don't hate men. My husband was a fully paid up responsible parent who was just as capable as me and loved looking after his son. I both respect and like him.

Same here. It’s not ‘men’ I’m denigrating - it’s this selfish, entitled, manchildish, pathetically self-indulgent behaviour I’m denigrating.

I have been married twice. Both men I chose to spend significant parts of my life with, one of whom I had children with, are good, decent, reliable and responsible men who take pride in being capable and don’t take the piss. I have a huge amount of respect for men who behave in a way that I can respect. I don’t automatically afford them special men’s privileges of being let off the harder aspects of parenting simply on account of their being be-penised.

@SimonJT

I remember being sick from a few nappy changes, especially when my son had an upset tummy. The worst was when he first came to live with me and he had worms.

I found blocking my nostrils helped, I used to put one of those foam ear plugs in each nostril.

Oh ho

Worms! Oh. I remember finding those after a nursery breakout. Only time I ever thought of wanting to scratch my own skin off.

We’ve slept with them twice due to bloody kids and nurseries. Yuck yuck yuck

Vicks under the nose if he really has too. Though my friend is a pathologist in America and only ever had to use Vicks for people who have been underwater for a considerable amount of time.

@Cleaneatingisawesome

We've started giving our baby solid food since Wednesday. I said he's a wonderful dad as he's very caring and loving with our son otherwise. He also sometimes looks after him for hours in the evening after work so that I can have a break.

I understand what you're all saying. Changing nappies is part of being a parent. I suppose I always rush to his aid because I genuinely worry that he might pass out and our son would be in danger then.

I told him that I asked for advice on mumsnet and read some of the replies to him. He just laughed and thought it was funny :(

I suppose I kind of have to force him to do it in future.

If he passes out. It would literally be for seconds. Gag reflex can cause a slight panic attack type breathing patterns. But the reason they pass out is to reboot breathing. So it’s for seconds. Mins at the very most. Wouldn’t be for hours.

@MyDcAreMarvel

This thread is horrible , there is a difference between not liking the smell of a dirty nappy and a medical issue akin to emetophobia.

What do you think single parents with emetophobia do when their DC has a tummy bug?

He’s laughing at you op.

Next time you hear the shouting just take a deep breath and ignore it. Cleaning up turds makes everyone feel sick. He won’t pass out.

@Cleaneatingisawesome

Some people are saying I couldn't be serious when I say I worry that he might pass out.

But I'm genuinely worried. One time I was lying in bed in the morning and my partner started doing these screams. Almost like he was in agony. I felt immediate panic as I thought he had stumbled, fell down and perhaps dropped the baby. I thought something had happened to our son.

I ran down the stairs in a panic only to find him bent over gagging.

Oh come ONNNNNNN!

Latex gloves and nose peg?

He just has to get on with it like the rest of us! My DD2 is severely disabled and I've been changing her dirty pads for over 19 years. Add her older sister on before her, that makes 22 years of nappy changing! He should count himself lucky!

Get a peg for his nose then make him change every single nappy until his aversion is gone. Stop enabling him to be a giant man baby

Also, does he actually know the best ways to deal with a pooey nappy? eg use the front of nappy to wipe up the worst of it, fold up and then most of poo is out of sight? Sooner or later, he'll have to deal with an up the back, out of the armpits type, so he needs to be prepared in techniques!! Is he just out of his depth??!

Tell him to stop being such an idiot. Honestly, leave him to it and if you need to point out it is pathetic that he can't do it. When pregnancy with my third my second was only one so still in nappies I had terrible morning sickness made worse by bad smells but there were sometimes when I just had to suck it up and do it because my Dc needed a clean nappy.

And no I don't hate men. My husband was a fully paid up responsible parent who was just as capable as me and loved looking after his son. I both respect and like him.

Same here. My dad was fully capable of looking after me and my brothers in the '50s and '60s because, you know, he was a parent. When my own son was born, in 2000, and I was quite ill afterwards, my dad, then in his late '60s, got up early so he could take him from me and change him while dh went to work. My dad is growing old now and might not be with us for that much longer, but I shall always have that memory of watching him care for my child as I knew he had once cared for me.

I suppose I always rush to his aid because

Hope you can see how this impacts for DH. What would have happened to you, if someone had jumped in anytime you were just getting the hang of something ?

Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he laughs out of embarrassment at having played you like this.

Agree with @Hazelnutlatteplease that he does 'em all until he has got over it.

Simples.

This sad but almost funny thread is a perfect explanation why so.many.mothers get stuck with the lion's share of childcare.

Sigh.

Must be upsetting for the baby to have his dad shouting! I’m with everyone else, it’s pathetic and shameful. He can wipe his own arse ok without an attack of hysteria I suppose.

Dirty nappies are a bit grim but he just had to get on with it. Dear god. You cannot have an aversion to making sure your own child is clean and comfortable

Threaten to film him doing his special nappy 'routine' and put it on Facebook. I guarantee he will manage to stop the theatrics if a public shaming is in store.

@FinallyHere

This sad but almost funny thread is a perfect explanation why so.many.mothers get stuck with the lion's share of childcare.

Sigh.

Very true. So many women make excuses for their men.

I know a couple of women right now, whose DH's do shift work, and they are ALWAYS too tired to get up for the baby, or to change or feed them, and they NEED to rest and sleep when they're home. So SHE does every bastard thing. Even though she works 20-25 hours a week too in paid employment.

'Awww but he gets so tired...' she whines feebly. Excuse after excuse for lazy men who can't be arsed to contribute to the childcare, housework, and grunt work. Still finds the energy for his hobbies though, and to play video games.

The amount of shitty behaviour some women take from men (whilst making pathetic excuses for them) is just depressing.

These women are totally brainwashed, and conditioned into thinking their poor iccle man needs to rest, and he has such a hard life!

Poor bloke works 40 hours a week, bless..... And in some cases, he keeps any 'surplus' money to himself, while she goes without, and he never lifts a finger in the house.

Seen this scenario so much, and so many times in my lifetime that it's just exasperating.