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Original poster

Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

712 replies

Hamnet · 23/01/2021 08:30

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 24/01/2021 12:31

I want what's best for my kids. I put their happiness and success above me having my "dream house".
100% this.
I find it sad that there's parents who seriously think that a child wanting to be settled at school and not have their GCSEs needlessly disrupted is somehow a teenager trying to control the house.
Some parents seem very set on viewing everything as a power struggle.

Stompythedinosaur · 24/01/2021 12:37

Children don't get to make major decisions like this. Absurd to let a teen control the household

Well, no, but adults don't usually prioritise their happiness over their dc's happiness either.

I would say you made a decision about where to bring up your dc some years ago and you need to stick with it for a few more years (even if you regret it) so as not to damage your dc's education and social life.

Bythemillpond · 24/01/2021 12:38

If you did move to Devon what do you see your daughter or any of your children doing from the age of 18. Presumably they will go to University but after do you foresee any of them coming back to live and work?
What work is around the village/town you would be living?
Whilst it is undoubtably a very beautiful area it isn’t a practical area for a young person. I do think we will get back to some sort of normal within 2 years. I don’t see that this way of life can continue. I think because you are still working you miss the fact that a lot of people aren’t. What happens if you lost your job and you were in Devon. What sort of thing would you be able to do? What opportunities would there be?

Whilst London might not be a great place to live it does have opportunities that you wouldn’t get in a small village or town in Devon Long term if you are within the realms of commuting distance to London then that is going to be more helpful long term to your children

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

14 year olds Families Secondary education
reefedsail · 24/01/2021 12:45

All these people who think the West Country is the third world. Grin

Her current school is very pushy and high achieving. The stress to get amazing grades has caused her serious anxiety.
This just isn't a necessary way to live.

Bythemillpond · 24/01/2021 12:49

The West Country might not be the 3rd world. It is a lovely area but when you are comparing it to London with all the opportunities that has to offer in terms of education, work etc then I don’t consider it a practical place to live.

Dixiechickonhols · 24/01/2021 12:54

My neighbour in her 70s was telling me about how awful her husband’s parents were moving him from an English town to welsh speaking rural wales age 15 meaning he left school without friends or any qualifications. We were having a cup of tea in her garden (when it was allowed in summer) chatting about local secondary schools - something that clearly affected him. No doubt ops DD would ‘manage’ but it seems mad to have put her through competitive London private school only to pull rug at last hurdle. The poor girl sounds academic to go from being expected to get 9 grade 8 and 9 GCSEs to 5 scraped passes due to change of school being seen as a good outcome is going to be mentally devastating plus potentially impacting uni especially if she wanted a competitive course like vet/dr/law etc.

reefedsail · 24/01/2021 13:06

An academic child can get 3/4 A*s at A Level in any school with the right support and environment at home. Then they can go to university wherever they like. Attending a London hot house is not necessary.

Plenty of kids don't go back to their home town after university, not just kids from the West.

There are different opportunities outside London- including the opportunity not to be stressed out of your mind by false pressure to 'achieve'.

FoolsAssassin · 24/01/2021 13:09

Personally I am quite happy to let some people think the West Country is the third world, then some are less likely to move here and we will get the more open minded people moving who have a broader view of life and everyone one is happy.

borageforager · 24/01/2021 13:10

DH went to a top London private school and now lives in Devon. Wonder what to make of that Hmm

Fembot123 · 24/01/2021 13:12

@borageforager

DH went to a top London private school and now lives in Devon. Wonder what to make of that Hmm
Not much in relation to the OP.
reefedsail · 24/01/2021 13:16

@FoolsAssassin

Personally I am quite happy to let some people think the West Country is the third world, then some are less likely to move here and we will get the more open minded people moving who have a broader view of life and everyone one is happy.
Yes there is that! Grin
Dixiechickonhols · 24/01/2021 13:16

Ops daughter probably won’t make grades to get admitted to 6th form for A levels though if she’s moved in yr 10 or 11 - most have requirements of x grade at gcse to study that subject at A level and a minimum number of GCSEs at x grade to be admitted. For example if she’s doing history and wants to do a history A level if she moves to different school exam board and syllabus will be completely different so will have to drop it or even if she self teaches may only get a 6 not an 8 meaning 6th form won’t let her study it at A level.

reefedsail · 24/01/2021 13:18

OP is talking about dropping her down a year, which given the mess that this year is shaping up to be is no bad plan.

Comefromaway · 24/01/2021 13:20

@reefedsail

An academic child can get 3/4 A*s at A Level in any school with the right support and environment at home. Then they can go to university wherever they like. Attending a London hot house is not necessary.

Plenty of kids don't go back to their home town after university, not just kids from the West.

There are different opportunities outside London- including the opportunity not to be stressed out of your mind by false pressure to 'achieve'.

But without 7/8 GCSES at grades 6-9 or even 7-9 depending on how academic a school/college is she won’t even be alllwed into an A level course.
AaronPurr · 24/01/2021 13:21

@reefedsail

OP is talking about dropping her down a year, which given the mess that this year is shaping up to be is no bad plan.
The OPs DD might not want to drop down a year. As others have said on the thread, even if it's possible being made to retake a year can have its own problems, especially for an academic student.
AliceBlueGown · 24/01/2021 13:23

It seems that your frustrations with regard to the pandemic is a big driver here. Would you still want to move if this particular house wasn't on the market? If it was sold tomorrow would you start doing some serious house hunting to find a different house? If we weren't in the middle of a pandemic would you be wanting to move? I would also say we moved from a city to Cornwall and although I love it now it look a long time for me to adjust. So, I really feel for your daughter. Please do not underestimate the upheaval you are thinking of imparting on your family.

TatianaBis · 24/01/2021 13:26

One of my siblings had to do it, mix up with birth date and went from being a straight A student and youngest in the year to being the oldest and not doing well. Totally demoralised.

Super unusual. The children that I’ve seen who repeated a year went from anxious, unconfident and feeling behind developmentally to blooming and fulfilling their true potential.

TatianaBis · 24/01/2021 13:29

I was referring to the OP's big issues being a too high pressure school and they're bored walking around the same park.

I live in SE London, my son will be going to a good but not hothouse state secondary school and we are surrounded by multiple parks and the river.

There are multiple parks wherever you are in London. OP’s kids may be bored of walking round Richmond Park for all we know.

goodbyestranger · 24/01/2021 13:31

Repeating a year is an option to throw into the mix. Since it will be associated with a move rather than any struggles, it could be easily spun as a serious positive to the DD. Staying at the same school and 'moving down' - very different (although sometimes justified where there are health issues of course).

itwillbehormones · 24/01/2021 13:34

No from me, I've put in place a five year plan with my teens, I want to move from our area but will wait until my youngest has done his a levels.

Then we will move, can't you wait 4-5 years and them make this move?

I'd make that move only if my ds were between 1-10 years old, once they are in secondary I feel it's important to have stability.

goodbyestranger · 24/01/2021 13:36

The DD appears to be unhappy, so there doesn't seem to be such a premium to be put on stability.

Merriwicks · 24/01/2021 13:41

OP I would say it depends on where in Devon, it is a big place. Exeter/south devon/east devon is great, lots of private schools if that's is what you wanted to consider. Small numbers and from hearing colleagues discuss there has been movement in and out of the schools with pupils. There is often movement of families with academics, met office staff and drs moving around. The public schools are also very good! Lots of my colleagues opt to just send their teenagers to local public school as they are so good.
Im not sure what people thi k teenagers do in Devon. Sit inside lokking at 4 walls. There are bwach parties for birthday parties, they get together for surfing, they do tyoical teenage hanging out on sat in high street. Lots of festivals. It is so packed full of things to do during spring autumn summer.winter is a bit slow. No major venues so dont get big shows. But we found that the big tours often started in devon to iron out any issues and we got tickets at a much cheaper price with a tiny audience.

The only way you would know about school syllabus is to contact the schools and ask.
I moved to devon on my own and found it very friendly and welcoming and made friends for life. I have now moved away again but would cut of my arm to go back. Don't listen to anyone on here, do your research and weigh up what is right for your family.

flapjackfairy · 24/01/2021 13:44

My parents moved me from a city I loved where I was v settled and Happy to the other end of the country when I was 16 and part way through my first year of A levels. Honestly it impacted me in a negative way to a massive degree. I never settled and it has had long term impact on my ability to cope with change.
In fact I moved several times as a child but it was this one that destabilised me . I think it was a v difficult age to lose all your friends and have to start again.i really wouldn't do it unless you really have to.

newatbabystuff · 24/01/2021 13:45

i would do it. Think of the mental health benefits of being in the more outdoorsy/spacious environment, with less population density and general chaos. Her London school sounds intense and it’s such a brilliant life lesson to know you can move and adapt - she sounds smart and capable to be doing well at her current school. Moving might be a temporary knock and difficult for a time but she could gain a lot of confidence from it. Maybe she could chat to some of the kids her age you know there to find out what school is like etc. At the end of the day it’s about your entire family and supporting each other to have a better life. She doesn’t know anything else so can’t be a judge of it til she’s there. Good luck!!

BackwardsGoing · 24/01/2021 14:09

@Bythemillpond

The West Country might not be the 3rd world. It is a lovely area but when you are comparing it to London with all the opportunities that has to offer in terms of education, work etc then I don’t consider it a practical place to live.
🤣🤣🤣 that is so funny. The entire West Country written off as "impractical".