Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

[Hamnet]

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

[cushioncovers]

No I wouldn't. I waited until mine had both finished school and were driving before I moved.

[feelingdizzy]

I moved a lot as a child and had 2 significant moves between 13 and 16 , without being over dramatic it had a very negative impact on me ( it's 30 years ago now) However to be fair there was a huge amount going in my family at the time and this impacts my feelings about this time.
I really wouldn't do it.

[goodbyestranger]

Bythemillpond I think my family is arguably the highest achieving in the country, as a collective, and all eight of them have been educated exclusively in Devon, from Reception through to Y13.

[BalladOfBarryAndFreda]

If I had no choice, yes. Otherwise, no.

[goodbyestranger]

And achieving educationally without undue pressure has got to be a reasonable aim.

[TheUndoingProject]

You seem to be viewing this as being about your child’s personal preferences and friends, rather than about very serious disruption to her education. Yes you may be forced to spend many more years in an area you no longer love, but that’s really the commitment you make when you have secondary age children.

[callmeadoctor]

I get the distinct impression that the OP has already decided folks

[fairynick]

If you believe that lockdowns will be the norm, then her teenage years won’t be like yours. You talk of house parties and friends just a walk away. If lockdowns continue she won’t be attending house parties. She also won’t make any friends.

[nocoolnamesleft]

I'm afraid I'm someone else who thinks it would be selfish to torpedo your DD's GCSEs, and potentially permanently adversely affect her life chances.

[Bythemillpond]

Bythemillpond I think my family is arguably the highest achieving in the country, as a collective, and all eight of them have been educated exclusively in Devon, from Reception through to Y13

So there was no moving them whilst studying for their GCSEs.
Where did they then go? Where are they now.

[goodbyestranger]

That's true, there was no moving them during GCSEs but this was what you wrote:

The West Country might not be the 3rd world. It is a lovely area but when you are comparing it to London with all the opportunities that has to offer in terms of education, work etc then I don’t consider it a practical place to live.

I picked up the point about 'educational opportunities' to illustrate that the same education - in terms of education itself, as well as grades - is available down in the West Country too, but with nothing like the same stress.

All eight of my DC have ended up at Oxford along with many of their school peers, on the back of strings of A* and a beach side life.

As for where are they now? Do you mean in terms of career or geographically? Geographically, two are in Oxford, one in Cambridge and the five oldest are in London but able to nip down whenever it suits to take in the air :)

[FoolsAssassin]

I noticed that Exeter was the first place along with London to have a specialist 6th form Maths School, both of which have apparently been a success and led to more being set up around the country.

[Bythemillpond]

But as you say non of your children stayed in Devon to go to university and aren’t in Devon working.
I was trying to point out that for Hamnet staying near London would help her children more than moving to Devon as the likely hood is that after university finding work, as your children have found, that the most jobs are in or around the Capital.
Most of the people I know who live here have there adult children living with them whilst they save up for a deposit on their own place. Saving a fortune on rent.

[goodbyestranger]

Bythemillpond the argument that you need to live in the place where your DC will get their first job is incredibly limited, with respect. I would always encourage my DC to spread their wings. I'm also unclear why going to Exeter Uni with mummy on the doorstep would be more attractive to young adults than going to Oxford, given the choice. For someone advocating the merits of London, you do seem astonishingly parochial!

[NotMeNoNo]

I'm sure Devon is a fantastic place to live and be educated, but children who have grown up there and had continuity of schooling are in a completely different situation from someone who's moved there in a pandemic halfway through her GCSE course. Moving to start sixth form will be hard but is much more feasible.

[goodbyestranger]

NotMeNoNo I've already responded to the general idea. My own view, fwiw, with a large high achieving family recently through the educational process, and in Devon, is that a move from London to Devon is perfectly do-able without damage to the DD's education (and very possibly to the benefit of it) if she repeats Y10. An alternative would be to buy the house if it's possible financially and to move in the summer of 2022, for the start of Y12. Beyond that I never said my DCs' situation was comparable; I merely picked up Bythemillpond's implication that the West Country is dead beat for academically inclined DC.

[merrymouse]

Bythemillpond the argument that you need to live in the place where your DC will get their first job is incredibly limited, with respect.

I think the point here is more about the cost of accommodation in London. It would be great if everyone could easily find accommodation near London, or if job opportunities were more evenly spread out across the country. However, that is not currently the case, so people who can live at home near London (or any other centre of employment) are at an advantage.

That might not be a big problem if your first entry level job is highly paid because of your amazing academic qualifications, or if your parents can finance your accommodation. However, for most people it is a consideration.

[goodbyestranger]

merrymouse for the most part on this thread we're talking about parents who are spending the cost of a London flat on private education in London. I think the logic is fairly unassailable.

[Bythemillpond]

I think it is great that all your children are high achieving and have spread their wings but each child is different and no amount of educational process can overcome ADHD and dyslexia that wasn’t diagnosed till after school.
My children are very bright. The hyper focus makes them very knowledgeable about all sorts of random stuff but academically they have 3 GCSEs between them. In Devon what exactly would they do for work.
In London and I presume any large city they have opportunities

[goodbyestranger]

The thread is about OP's DC, Bythemillpond, specifically her high achieving DD.

[merrymouse]

merrymouse for the most part on this thread we're talking about parents who are spending the cost of a London flat on private education in London. I think the logic is fairly unassailable.

Logically, the cost of private education can indicate both that somebody is very rich and that they have no spare money.

[goodbyestranger]

Although sympathies for the late diagnosis. One of my own DC was only picked up with processing issues and dysgraphia too late (sixth form) to allow any extra time in exams. It does seem to be a real issue where a DC's ability masks one or more SpLDs.

[goodbyestranger]

Spending on private education isn't a necessity, it's a choice. The same amount spent on private education could clearly be squirrelled away, if there's a finite amount. But this idea that the family world now revolves around DC saving for a deposit to the extent that it shapes all choices from the DCs' early age is being taken too far. In fact it's only been introduced to justify the nonsense about decent education etc being limited to London.

[merrymouse]

But this idea that the family world now revolves around DC saving for a deposit to the extent that it shapes all choices from the DCs' early age is being taken too far.

No, not necessarily saving for a deposit. In some cases simply being able to live near where you need to work to do a particular job. It's a problem because many entry level jobs are badly paid, or not paid at all.

Many people do not regard private education as a choice (and ironically given comments on this thread, they often live in London).

I think there are good and bad schools everywhere, and London is a massive place. It's ridiculous to make London/Devon comparisons. It depends where in Devon and where in London. It is however, definitely true that employment opportunities are greater in London, but the high cost of accommodation makes it difficult to move there.

If money is no object, then obviously the OP should either just buy a second home in Devon, or downsize in London, to enable the daughter to complete her GCSEs.

However, I would guess that many Devonians have mixed feelings about Londoners snapping up pandemic bolt holes and pushing up property prices.