Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

[Hamnet]

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

[Ginfordinner]

Some of the comments here about moving away after university are weird. I expect DD to not move back home after university. She loves the city where she is, and there will be far more opportunities there than where we live. Neither DH nor I went back to live near our families after we left our respective homes for higher education.

[Sausagessizzling]

You should absolutely do it.
Everyone's quality of life will massively go up.
Devon is full of beauty and loads of interesting people.
You do however need to be prepared that she may move back to London when she's older and be far away from you.

[TheReluctantPhoenix]

I think that London (lived here all my life) is exciting when things are going well but very grim when they are not.

If you want to move, I would move, as long as you can find a nice supportive school for your daughter, where she will be welcomed.

Realistically, with a few exceptions, friends that age, as important as they seem, are a moveable feast. How many people still have close friends from 14/15 (I know there are exceptions)?

Teenagers are not always the best judge of what they will enjoy and a more relaxed life with more open space may really help her.

Most people move to Uni away from home and friends at 18, when friendships are arguably even stronger, and they make new friends and move on.

So, although it will undoubtedly be tough at first, I would go for it.

[reefedsail]

People leaving their home town to go to university and never going back doesn't automatically brand the town as somewhere nobody should consider living.

I was desperate to leave 'The North' when I went to university, and I never went back to live in the north. It doesn't mean the whole of the north is a totally unreasonable place to live. I was just looking for change, as many young people are at that age.

[polexiaaphrodesia]

South Devon (Close to Exeter, train service to London etc) then maybe but not North Devon which always feels very cut off when we go to visit PIL. My parents moved up to rural Suffolk when I started year 9 and I found it incredibly difficult. Friendship groups were already established, teaching in my new school was very poor compared to my previous school, public transport was non existent and I found it a very isolating experience. As an adult I see now how beautiful the countryside is and what a lovely house my parents got for the price of a much smaller house in the South East but as a teenager I couldn't wait to leave for university and never went back to live there again.

[NellyJames]

@Hamnet, could you possibly sell your house, buy the dream house and rent it out whilst you continue to rent in London until your DD finishes Y11? Moving half way through GCSEs could have a life long impact on both her attainment and her MH. But it’s also important to consider your MH and the positive effects such a move would bring.

[Ginfordinner]

We are pondering the same thing about North Cornwall. However, our kids are younger (and enthusiastic).

I have family in Cornwall, and the the crowds in the resort areas mean that they avoid them during the summer months. The narrow Cornish lanes and being overrun woth tourists makes life quite difficult for the locals. It is a double edged sword of course because tourism is important for the local economy.

[goodbyestranger]

We had a reluctant DC come down to join our school in the middle of GCSEs from one of the competitive London schools recently. His father came with him and rented a place locally while the mother (well known actress - irrelevant :)) stayed on in London with the older sibling while the latter finished her A levels. There are all sorts of options if you're prepared to mix things up and -crucially - can afford extra rental etc.

[TheABC]

We are pondering the same thing about North Cornwall. However, our kids are younger (and enthusiastic).

OP, it boils down to two things:

1. What are the chances of getting your kids into a decent school? In-year applications are tricky and outside of the natural break-points, you may struggle to find somewhere with spaces.
   
   
2. Would a partial move work? Get your younger children settled in Devon and then your DD follows as soon as her GCSEs finish? It would mean temporarily splitting the family with rental accommodation in London, or else a boarding option for DD.

[goodbyestranger]

In fact that DC went to Durham for undergrad but is now doing a PhD at Oxford. I didn't think the person asking the question about where my DC went needed a full CV for each - it isn't the topic of the thread after all, so I used shorthand. The other seven all did undergrad at Oxford, a couple did postgrad too. Yes some thought of Cambridge but preferred Oxford and one is at Cambridge now, as a postgrad, so we do have some representation there, finally :)

[HaveringWavering]

One of my own DC was only picked up with processing issues and dysgraphia too late (sixth form) to allow any extra time in exams.

But still got into Oxford along with his/her SEVEN siblings?

I’m astonished that such a bright family all followed each other to exactly the same university. Did none of them even consider Cambridge?

[goodbyestranger]

It's completely not ridiculous to compare the place the OP is considering for her family with the place she would be leaving, while making the comparison relevant to the type of student she describes her DD as being. It's an absolutely targeted comparison.

[merrymouse]

But this idea that the family world now revolves around DC saving for a deposit to the extent that it shapes all choices from the DCs' early age is being taken too far.

No, not necessarily saving for a deposit. In some cases simply being able to live near where you need to work to do a particular job. It's a problem because many entry level jobs are badly paid, or not paid at all.

Many people do not regard private education as a choice (and ironically given comments on this thread, they often live in London).

I think there are good and bad schools everywhere, and London is a massive place. It's ridiculous to make London/Devon comparisons. It depends where in Devon and where in London. It is however, definitely true that employment opportunities are greater in London, but the high cost of accommodation makes it difficult to move there.

If money is no object, then obviously the OP should either just buy a second home in Devon, or downsize in London, to enable the daughter to complete her GCSEs.

However, I would guess that many Devonians have mixed feelings about Londoners snapping up pandemic bolt holes and pushing up property prices.

[goodbyestranger]

Spending on private education isn't a necessity, it's a choice. The same amount spent on private education could clearly be squirrelled away, if there's a finite amount. But this idea that the family world now revolves around DC saving for a deposit to the extent that it shapes all choices from the DCs' early age is being taken too far. In fact it's only been introduced to justify the nonsense about decent education etc being limited to London.

[goodbyestranger]

Although sympathies for the late diagnosis. One of my own DC was only picked up with processing issues and dysgraphia too late (sixth form) to allow any extra time in exams. It does seem to be a real issue where a DC's ability masks one or more SpLDs.

[merrymouse]

merrymouse for the most part on this thread we're talking about parents who are spending the cost of a London flat on private education in London. I think the logic is fairly unassailable.

Logically, the cost of private education can indicate both that somebody is very rich and that they have no spare money.

[goodbyestranger]

The thread is about OP's DC, Bythemillpond, specifically her high achieving DD.

[Bythemillpond]

I think it is great that all your children are high achieving and have spread their wings but each child is different and no amount of educational process can overcome ADHD and dyslexia that wasn’t diagnosed till after school.
My children are very bright. The hyper focus makes them very knowledgeable about all sorts of random stuff but academically they have 3 GCSEs between them. In Devon what exactly would they do for work.
In London and I presume any large city they have opportunities

[goodbyestranger]

merrymouse for the most part on this thread we're talking about parents who are spending the cost of a London flat on private education in London. I think the logic is fairly unassailable.

[merrymouse]

Bythemillpond the argument that you need to live in the place where your DC will get their first job is incredibly limited, with respect.

I think the point here is more about the cost of accommodation in London. It would be great if everyone could easily find accommodation near London, or if job opportunities were more evenly spread out across the country. However, that is not currently the case, so people who can live at home near London (or any other centre of employment) are at an advantage.

That might not be a big problem if your first entry level job is highly paid because of your amazing academic qualifications, or if your parents can finance your accommodation. However, for most people it is a consideration.

[goodbyestranger]

NotMeNoNo I've already responded to the general idea. My own view, fwiw, with a large high achieving family recently through the educational process, and in Devon, is that a move from London to Devon is perfectly do-able without damage to the DD's education (and very possibly to the benefit of it) if she repeats Y10. An alternative would be to buy the house if it's possible financially and to move in the summer of 2022, for the start of Y12. Beyond that I never said my DCs' situation was comparable; I merely picked up Bythemillpond's implication that the West Country is dead beat for academically inclined DC.

[NotMeNoNo]

I'm sure Devon is a fantastic place to live and be educated, but children who have grown up there and had continuity of schooling are in a completely different situation from someone who's moved there in a pandemic halfway through her GCSE course. Moving to start sixth form will be hard but is much more feasible.

[goodbyestranger]

Bythemillpond the argument that you need to live in the place where your DC will get their first job is incredibly limited, with respect. I would always encourage my DC to spread their wings. I'm also unclear why going to Exeter Uni with mummy on the doorstep would be more attractive to young adults than going to Oxford, given the choice. For someone advocating the merits of London, you do seem astonishingly parochial!

[Bythemillpond]

But as you say non of your children stayed in Devon to go to university and aren’t in Devon working.
I was trying to point out that for Hamnet staying near London would help her children more than moving to Devon as the likely hood is that after university finding work, as your children have found, that the most jobs are in or around the Capital.
Most of the people I know who live here have there adult children living with them whilst they save up for a deposit on their own place. Saving a fortune on rent.