Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

[Hamnet]

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

I've only read the OP's posts not the full thread- but OP I would 100% do it.

Your DD's current school sounds miserable and I'd move away just to get her out of that. Let her repeat Y10 in a nice, laid back Independent where she can get her confidence back.

Your kids can sail and windsurf and ride and live a more outdoorsy life without the London pressure to be perfect. Life in the West Country is so much healthier- nothing to do with the pandemic.

My family situation is different but I live near where you are thinking of moving to and I also own a flat in London. Devon is a good place to ride out the pandemic but the economic aftermath will be grim and we will probably be moving back to the capital. There will always be more work and cultural opportunities in London and London will bounce back more effectively.

Would you be putting your children back into private education OP? Because that really does have a bearing on things. Talk to the schools. I reckon they'd be pretty open to having her repeat a year. (I also think that might be a real advantage just now.) So the educational impact should be minimal.

Making new friends is going to be tricky, but honestly, as they all emerge from lockdown having barely seen one another for a year or more this might actually be a better time than usual. Friendship groups will be less tight for starters.

This is the only chance you'll have to do this for upwards of a decade. You're talking about moving to a town with a train station. Your kids will all move up to London or Bristol eventually anyway, but this way they'll have their own links with the place where you are then.

I'd do it. (Because I'm originally from Devon too.)

I agree that repeating a year at the moment would be a good, not a bad. It's by no means true that all state schools would oppose the idea, especially with a house move and a child who is young in the year. My DCs' Devon school(state grammar) have a few who joined out of year. It tends to oppose moving up a year but often suggests moving down a year if there's good reason for it. It's not even hugely unusual; the school looks at what's best for the child in the particular circumstances.

I thought the kids weren’t having exams?

Speak to your preferred school in Devon for advice and take it from their.

I’d move her.

@Ginfordinner

My problem is that I don't think it is the best advice. Do you have children in the m iddle of GCSEs or have recently taken them?

Yes, I know teens who moved in year 10 and were fine, My teen is younger but I would consider moving in year 10 if the benefits outweighed the costs. Disagree with me all you like but don't just dismiss my view as irrelevant because it's different to yours.

I thought the kids weren’t having exams?

Not this year, I believe, but if this continues it is all the more reason to stay in a school where the teachers know what the pupil is capable of. I don't know if schools share data on pupils who move schools. Maybe a teacher could confirm this?

I agree that researching schools is the obvious first step.

I think that’s a huge and destabilising move for a teenager. London to Devon is a massive lifestyle change. I personally wouldn’t do it. Wait until she goes to university?

Next year's Y11s will be having exams Mrs Amaretto, unless the sky falls in.

The thing is that by the time one's talked to the school (which would be Exeter School or one of the more local comps), the dream house may well have been snapped up by another buyer. Time probably isn't on OP's side. I'd tend to make an offer on the house but that will only be entertained if the OP has sufficient cash funds not tied up in her London house. If the London house has to be sold to make the price, then by the time it's even put on the market (photographs, contract etc etc) the dream house may well have gone. She needs to act fast if this thing is going to happen, and not make the move contingent on school (tbh the school thing will work, one way or another), since bagging the house seems to be the thing most at risk.

Yes data is shared.

Your DD's current school sounds miserable and I'd move away just to get her out of that. Let her repeat Y10 in a nice, laid back Independent where she can get her confidence back

The problem is that that sort of independent doesn't seem to exist in the area where OP wants to move to, according to people in the know on this thread.

Why on earth do people think repeating a year is a good idea??

The OP's daughter has worked exceptionally hard to do well in a demanding school. And her reward for that is to do it all over again? Honestly wtf.

This is not a situation where the family has to move. The OP is having pandemic anxiety and her solution is to recreate her own childhood life. At the cost of her daughter's mental health.

All of the issues she talks about could be resolved by taking her DD out of the high pressure private school, maybe moving to a greener part of London. They don't need such a drastic plan.

@dreamingbohemian

Why on earth do people think repeating a year is a good idea??

The OP's daughter has worked exceptionally hard to do well in a demanding school. And her reward for that is to do it all over again? Honestly wtf.

This is not a situation where the family has to move. The OP is having pandemic anxiety and her solution is to recreate her own childhood life. At the cost of her daughter's mental health.

All of the issues she talks about could be resolved by taking her DD out of the high pressure private school, maybe moving to a greener part of London. They don't need such a drastic plan.

Agree with all this

The repeating a year idea is madness

Ginfordinner I don't see that time is on OP's side in terms of the house if she 'researches' schools. It's almost a given that one of the South Hams comps would accept the DD and allow her to join in Sept having moved down a year. Exeter School always has places available, if that seems like a good fit and the DD is happy to travel. It's very hard to believe that Exeter wouldn't take the DD into Y10 in Sept. Any of the grammars would take longer to sort because the DD would have to take an in year test and space would have to be available. But basically, something will work. I'd tend to sort the house first and then the schools - OP can always pull out of the sale.

Arobase I would say that Exeter School fits the bill of a good, not high pressured indie which gets excellent results. It's a zillion miles away from the SPGS type schools.

Repeating a year would be something a number of schools and the wellbeing team might look at and suggest, even without parental initiative. It's really not so unusual or out there at all.

We moved our 14 year old Starting year 10, it's been a great move and she has settled well - we also took her out of a high pressures school and she is thriving at her new school, she has made lots of new friends and has stayed in contact with her old friends! X

The OP's daughter has worked exceptionally hard to do well in a demanding school. And her reward for that is to do it all over again? Honestly wtf.

Isn't that assuming that the next school is using the same exam boards, studying the same topics in the same syllabus in the same order?

Yes, there is bound to be some overlap, but if she went from year 10 in one school to year 11 in a different school that is using different exam boards and covering topics in a different order there will be gaps in her knowledge. There would be a lot of catching up to do, and if she is already struggling with stress over her workload this could be an issue.

If this was me, I would be tempted to buy the dream house and keep it was a holiday home to start with then gradually spend longer and longer there. But I appreciate not everyone in in a position to do this.

It’s horrible repeating a year, I had to in sixth form as was unwell and missed a lot.

Hated it so much I dropped out altogether. Being a year older than your peers isn’t easy though I accept harder for some than others. Also covering stuff you have done before is really tedious and not good for motivation . Plus with the pandemic less chances to socialise anyway.

Is Exeter School that good? 70% A to C? Our local comp has 79% A to C

Ginfordinner I don't see that time is on OP's side in terms of the house

The idea that anyones’s happiness depends on buying a particular house is flawed, particularly if the idea is tied into anxiety about lockdown.

I wouldn’t want to over emphasise how serious the OP is about this purchase - as she said it’s just a post on MN. However I think posters talking about selfish immature teenagers denying the rest of the family a better quality of life are very wide of the mark.

I understand those making the points about the DD repeating a year, but what if she doesn't want to?

OP says she's doing really well academically, and she obviously cares a lot about her GCSEs as she's the one who made the point about it being a bad time to move.

I can't imagine repeating a year would be a great experience, for someone who is used to a fast paced and academically challenging school life. It could be even more damaging than the high pressure environment she is currently in.

@FoolsAssassin

It’s horrible repeating a year, I had to in sixth form as was unwell and missed a lot.

Hated it so much I dropped out altogether. Being a year older than your peers isn’t easy though I accept harder for some than others. Also covering stuff you have done before is really tedious and not good for motivation . Plus with the pandemic less chances to socialise anyway.

I agree with this. A bright, motivated child will do better with support to continue rather than repeat.

And tbh they are only GCSEs. As long as they get her into the college or course of her choice post 16 that's really all that matters.

@FoolsAssassin

It’s horrible repeating a year, I had to in sixth form as was unwell and missed a lot.

Hated it so much I dropped out altogether. Being a year older than your peers isn’t easy though I accept harder for some than others. Also covering stuff you have done before is really tedious and not good for motivation . Plus with the pandemic less chances to socialise anyway.

Crossed posts. This is the point I was also making, and highlights the issues the DD may face.

Yes, there is bound to be some overlap, but if she went from year 10 in one school to year 11...

Or she could just stay where she is.