Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

712 replies

Hamnet · 23/01/2021 08:30

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

OP posts:
FoolsAssassin · 24/01/2021 07:41

Thought of this thread yesterday when reading a discussion on our college WhatsApp. The parent of a year 13 was saying that they felt friendships aren’t as strong as they would be in normal circumstances and others agreed.

It brought home to me how harder it currently is for them to make new friends . These are kids who have had 3 terms face to face teaching, all started afresh in 6th form , are studying very similar subjects and have a lot in common and come from broadly similar geographical areas and it has effected them, I had thought it might have made friendships stronger as going through difficult time together but apparently not.

I think those saying do it and they were fine are not factoring in how much harder it would be currently with the pandemic. I am definitely sticking to what I said earlier, wait until 6th form if doing it. I haven’t mentioned the London
aspect as don’t think it’s particularly relevant. To me the main issues are moving now would hugely disrupt education and make it incredibly difficult to make new friends so if doing it , when starting 6th form would definitely be the best plan.

ivykaty44 · 24/01/2021 07:44

I have friends that both considered moving to Devon as they work in drug rehabilitation, plenty of jobs in their line of work as many youngsters taking drugs due to lack of interests

This was some 15 years ago and things may have changed

Ineedaduvetday · 24/01/2021 07:47

Don't do it. I was moved against my will and hated it. One parent was blissfully happy as it is what they wanted, the rest of us were miserable and moved back to our original location as soon as we could.

You are using Coronavirus as an excuse. London will not be in 'tiers for years'.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

14 year olds Families Secondary education
sparklefarts · 24/01/2021 07:52

I wouldn't. But it sounds like you're going to.

FoolsAssassin · 24/01/2021 08:00

With regards to whoever mentioned fewer drugs and alcohol in Devon I think that is a very optimistic view. We are the next county along from Devon. In the last 18 months someone who was in one of my DS’s classes died of an overdose and my friend’s child committed suicide , there was drug involvement sadly.

BigGreen · 24/01/2021 08:02

I agree that London is a bit shit in lockdown, but I'm more optimistic than you about bouncing back. Even without vaccines pandemics burn out over a few years and we're one year in already.

gerispringer · 24/01/2021 08:09

My parents moved from London to Exeter many years ago just before I was to start yr 10, I didn’t want to go and made their lives hell for ages. After a term I grew to love it, made loads of friends Ive still got, and look back on that time with great affection,

mellongoose · 24/01/2021 08:10

I'd be uncomfortable moving my teen. However, I guess it depends on the child. At that age I had been moved out to the country from the town. Although I was still at the same school as my friends, I felt as though I was missing out a bit. They all called round each other's houses after school and I was no longer a part of it.

However, I LOVED living in the country. I was the strange sort of teen that loved to walk with the dog and be outside for hours.

I'm afraid it doesn't sound like your teen is ok with it. I'd be inclined to wait. Sorry.

AaronPurr · 24/01/2021 08:10

I think those saying do it and they were fine are not factoring in how much harder it would be currently with the pandemic.

I think this is really worth quoting. As many on this thread have pointed out her education will be negatively affeted, but like you say opportunities for making friends / adapting to the new area will also be hindered by the current situation.

Hotcuppatea · 24/01/2021 08:13

Is there anyway you can buy the house, rent it out, rent in London for a few years until your DD finishes school and then make the move?

Her feelings are important. But so are yours. Could this be a compromise?

PerveenMistry · 24/01/2021 08:15

Children don't get to make major decisions like this. Absurd to let a teen control the household.

Snap up your dream house and move. She'll survive.

Ginfordinner · 24/01/2021 08:20

@PerveenMistry

Children don't get to make major decisions like this. Absurd to let a teen control the household.

Snap up your dream house and move. She'll survive.

And parents shouldn't make irresponsible decisions about their children's education either.
FoolsAssassin · 24/01/2021 08:21

@PerveenMistry

Children don't get to make major decisions like this. Absurd to let a teen control the household.

Snap up your dream house and move. She'll survive.

You are absolutely right, children don’t get to decide this, parents do after weighing up the pros and cons which is why the OP posted to get more info.
Arobase · 24/01/2021 08:32

@PerveenMistry

Children don't get to make major decisions like this. Absurd to let a teen control the household.

Snap up your dream house and move. She'll survive.

No-one is suggesting the child makes the decision. But what OP should do is take into account her responsibilities in terms of her child's education if they move. It would be completely selfish not to do so.
Covidcorvid · 24/01/2021 08:42

@PerveenMistry

Children don't get to make major decisions like this. Absurd to let a teen control the household.

Snap up your dream house and move. She'll survive.

If it was just a case of a child saying they’d miss their friends I’d be more inclined to agree. But this is quite probably stuffing up her education. I think the teen has a valid point. So down the line when she has shit gcse grades, can’t get into sixth form, etc and ends up not getting on her dream uni course/career she may well survive but she also may never forgive her parents. I wouldn’t.

So OP needs to decide what’s more important, her dream house or her daughter’s future and her relationship with her daughter.

Dixiechickonhols · 24/01/2021 08:50

Saw your update that you are paying private school fees now at London prices in that case I’m sure you’ll find a private school to take her into a yr 10 repeat especially if she is young. Very big difference if you can use private school. As the mum of a yr 10 I wouldn’t bank on her making any friends via you - opposite true for mine. How is your daughter personality wise? A new boy joined dds school start of yr 10 and is obnoxious to point no one wants to pair with him and teachers are irritated with him - he’s very rudely outspoken and a know it all - how not to fit in and make friends.

BackwardsGoing · 24/01/2021 08:53

Hi OP. I would do it. She will keep her old friends and make new ones. You can mitigate against the impact on her GCSEs. She will have different opportunities. It's a move that will benefit the whole family so you have to balance everyone's needs.

I moved a lot when I was young. I'm absolutely fine.

Ginfordinner · 24/01/2021 09:18

I moved a lot when I was young. I'm absolutely fine.

How is that relevant? The OP's daughter isn't you. Besides, loads of posters who had to move a lot or moved as a teenager weren't fine.

You can mitigate against the impact on her GCSEs

Only if the daughter can restart year 10 again, which isn't a given.

cautiouscovidity · 24/01/2021 09:28

@Dixiechickonhols

Saw your update that you are paying private school fees now at London prices in that case I’m sure you’ll find a private school to take her into a yr 10 repeat especially if she is young. Very big difference if you can use private school. As the mum of a yr 10 I wouldn’t bank on her making any friends via you - opposite true for mine. How is your daughter personality wise? A new boy joined dds school start of yr 10 and is obnoxious to point no one wants to pair with him and teachers are irritated with him - he’s very rudely outspoken and a know it all - how not to fit in and make friends.
We don't actually have many private schools in the part of Devon the op mentioned (South Hams). Certainly none in the two possible towns that were mentioned upthread by virtue of having a mainline railway station on the London line. Neither of the closest private schools are selective and being located several miles away may make it harder still for the DD to make friends as they have wide catchments so very unlikely that classmates will live nearby. The local comprehensives are very good though.
Ginfordinner · 24/01/2021 09:32

Would a state comprehensive allow her to re-do year 10 though?

TatianaBis · 24/01/2021 09:36

@Ginfordinner

I moved a lot when I was young. I'm absolutely fine.

How is that relevant? The OP's daughter isn't you. Besides, loads of posters who had to move a lot or moved as a teenager weren't fine.

You can mitigate against the impact on her GCSEs

Only if the daughter can restart year 10 again, which isn't a given.

It’s just as relevant to the discussion as the posters who moved and weren’t fine.

The OP’s daughter isn’t anyone on this thread for that matter.

Clymene · 24/01/2021 09:38

@Ginfordinner

Would a state comprehensive allow her to re-do year 10 though?
No, I doubt it.
Fembot123 · 24/01/2021 09:40

Sorry but definitely not.

BackwardsGoing · 24/01/2021 09:43

@Ginfordinner

I moved a lot when I was young. I'm absolutely fine.

How is that relevant? The OP's daughter isn't you. Besides, loads of posters who had to move a lot or moved as a teenager weren't fine.

You can mitigate against the impact on her GCSEs

Only if the daughter can restart year 10 again, which isn't a given.

Just offering my experience and opinion. Like everyone else. What's your problem?

Ginfordinner · 24/01/2021 09:48

My problem is that I don't think it is the best advice. Do you have children in the m iddle of GCSEs or have recently taken them?