Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

[Hamnet]

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

Everyone has said that transferring to another school mid GCSEs is madness. So either wait or don't go.

And if the school the OP's children are currently at is so awful and highly pressured, she could move them to a different school within London.

It was the OP's choice to send her children to the terribly demanding school after all.

@Frodont

Is Exeter School that good? 70% A to C? Our local comp has 79% A to C

A lot of that depends on the demographic. Our local comp has excellent results, but that is because the vast majority of pupils come from supportive backgrounds.

The best indicator is the value added rather than just results.

However I think posters talking about selfish immature teenagers denying the rest of the family a better quality of life are very wide of the mark.

I agree. Having been the parent of a depressed and anxious 14 year old, I think people underestimate just how hard it is to be that parent.

I have two year 10s. There is no way I would even consider this.

And tbh they are only GCSEs. As long as they get her into the college or course of her choice post 16 that's really all that matters.

This has never been the case. Unless things change, university offers are based on GCSEs and predicted grades.

Perhaps if you stay in the same setting, a good teacher reference can make up for disappointing GCSEs, but if you move at 16, expectations will be based on GCSEs.

I believe that since the demise of AS levels universities are increasingly looking at GCSEs, especially for applicants for medicine, vetmed and Oxbridge.

@goodbyestranger

Next year's Y11s will be having exams Mrs Amaretto, unless the sky falls in.

The thing is that by the time one's talked to the school (which would be Exeter School or one of the more local comps), the dream house may well have been snapped up by another buyer. Time probably isn't on OP's side. I'd tend to make an offer on the house but that will only be entertained if the OP has sufficient cash funds not tied up in her London house. If the London house has to be sold to make the price, then by the time it's even put on the market (photographs, contract etc etc) the dream house may well have gone. She needs to act fast if this thing is going to happen, and not make the move contingent on school (tbh the school thing will work, one way or another), since bagging the house seems to be the thing most at risk.

She could literally call the registrar tomorrow. And Exeter School or a local comp are certainly not the only options.

For a high achieving DC the other independents in the area are pretty dubious. And yes of course she can phone the school tomorrow and all indies in the area will say is yes we'll take her no problem and do the usual marketing chat. There's not a single indie which won't make room for the DD. I'm not clear that gets any discerning parent much further. What the OP doesn't have time for is to visit the schools.

Of course the grammars could be an option but the DD would (legally) have to sit an in year test which no grammar is going to arrange at the click of a finger, especially not at the moment.

On the house front it could well be that OP has sufficient cash aside from her London house but I know that my own agent won't even let those without a property under offer even view.

even

Haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if I have missed anything. Expat parent here who has moved her children many times . My daughter did 4 schools in her secondary and sixth form years but I would never and did not move her during her GCSE or A level years . It is just too hard for them to realign syllabuses and options . Also don’t recommend dropping down a year . Considered this at one point by myself and point blank refused by DD and with hindsight she was too bright for this and would have been bored doing the year again and we still talk about it and how glad she is she didn’t drop back. Children are resilient and you can move them at certain points but ultimately you are making decisions which can affect their whole life so you have to weigh up the risk benefit and at this age it would have too many negative potential problems for me.
Have you thought about alternative like buying the Devon house renting temporarily in London with DD while rest of family begin their new life in Devon auntie she finishes GCSE’s and she can start A levels fresh in Devon . I know it would be difficult in Covid times and more expensive running two households but ultimately you would achieve your goal in 18months.

@dreamingbohemian

Why on earth do people think repeating a year is a good idea??

The OP's daughter has worked exceptionally hard to do well in a demanding school. And her reward for that is to do it all over again? Honestly wtf.

This is not a situation where the family has to move. The OP is having pandemic anxiety and her solution is to recreate her own childhood life. At the cost of her daughter's mental health.

All of the issues she talks about could be resolved by taking her DD out of the high pressure private school, maybe moving to a greener part of London. They don't need such a drastic plan.

If she moves school she will change syllabus so it will not necessarily be a question of repeating what she has done so much as doing different topics on the same theme. For topics that she’s already covered it’s more like extra revision and solidifying of knowledge base.

Given that she’s anxious about work it could potentially increase her confidence enormously.

The friends of mine who stuffed up an A level and had to retake did exponentially better the second time round and gained in confidence In the subject in the process.

The other aspect is that it’s hard being younger than everyone else and having a year’s less maturity. One of my friends was very young for her year and she always felt it as a disadvantage. I was one of the oldest, and felt it as an advantage.

Btw the parts of London with high pressure schools are perfectly green.

London is London - outer is not significantly different to inner with sky high house prices, materialism, social pressure, competition etc.

One of my sisters lives in Kent between Sevenoaks and Tunbridge Wells - the pressure there is essentially the same. It’s got a lot of London people who commute.

Does it have to be such a drastic move?

Couldn't you find somewhere close to London/in the outer zones where you could get more green spaces but still be in commuting distance?

Your kids will likely feel very isolated.

Also if you move your entire family to the middle of nowhere you reduce everyone's future choices in term of education, social activities and jobs. For example you and your partner might be able to work from home now but those are uncertain times and you might lose that employment and then be stuck with reduced choices once people go back to offices...

Feels like you are trying to run away from the city but haven't quite thought through the long term impact on everyone else.

It's fair to say that London is the worst for academic pressure but Kent has issues all of its own with the grammar system, and that's something Devon avoids. outcomes are the same for a bright DC who gets into a good school but with significantly less peer pressure on either parents or DC.

@TatianaBis

Btw the parts of London with high pressure schools are perfectly green.

London is London - outer is not significantly different to inner with sky high house prices, materialism, social pressure, competition etc.

One of my sisters lives in Kent between Sevenoaks and Tunbridge Wells - the pressure there is essentially the same. It’s got a lot of London people who commute.

I was referring to the OP's big issues being a too high pressure school and they're bored walking around the same park.

I live in SE London, my son will be going to a good but not hothouse state secondary school and we are surrounded by multiple parks and the river.

Just saying the OP could address her main concerns without moving far away.

This has never been the case. Unless things change, university offers are based on GCSEs and predicted grades.

Yes, VERY likely that university admissions will be reformed very soon, potentially to an A Level results-based (rather than predicted) offer. A lot of noise in govt about this recently.

@Hamnet - I think it’s an idea well worth considering.

Your daughter is one fifth of your family, and her views shouldn’t necessarily trump all others.

Give her opinion due consideration, but weigh up everything (and that includes your long term happiness too).

@goodbyestranger

ancientgran if you read the thread you'll see that my advice is to move and find a school where the DD can start Y10 again this Sept or to leave the move until the summer of 2022 for her to start in Y12.

Shouldn't the daughter get a say in that, easy for you to discard a year of her life but she might not be so keen.

God, don't make her repeat a year! What terrible advice.

@gerispringer

My parents moved from London to Exeter many years ago just before I was to start yr 10, I didn’t want to go and made their lives hell for ages. After a term I grew to love it, made loads of friends Ive still got, and look back on that time with great affection,

That's great for you but the OP isn't talking about moving to Exeter and the DD is already in year 10. Maybe you'd still have grown to love it if you'd moved halfway through your GCSEs and lived in a small town instead of a city but we will never know.

@PerveenMistry

Children don't get to make major decisions like this. Absurd to let a teen control the household.

Snap up your dream house and move. She'll survive.

Is that our ambition for your children? They'll survive, not thrive or flourish but survive.

I think there is an in between solution to all of your issues.

None really need a huge move across country to solve.
You complain of the private school 2 of your children go to. If you are going to move schools then why not move schools locally. You don’t have to move to Devon to be able to go to a state secondary or a less stressful private school. But how does your daughter feel about the school and the work she is given. Although if she has friends in the school then I wouldn’t move her. It could backfire completely.

If your children are in a private school then you don’t have to live on top of the school, you could move anywhere within commuting distance. One of my children went to a Central London private school and it took just under an hour to get there. Car to the tube station, 2 tubes and a walk. They were navigating their journey to school from 10 years old. You don’t have to live in London move to the outskirts. Somewhere like Amersham, Chesham or Rickmansworth are all on tube lines and St Albans has a non stopping train into the City. Watford is only about 15-20 minutes from Euston.
I felt safer with them on their own in London at night coming home late after seeing friends than I would them walking down a country lane in broad daylight.

If you want to move then move as far out as you can but don’t change your daughters school if she is happy with her friends.

There are 5 of you in the household. How many are unhappy with where they live and their life.

@Frodont

God, don't make her repeat a year! What terrible advice.

One of my siblings had to do it, mix up with birth date and went from being a straight A student and youngest in the year to being the oldest and not doing well. Totally demoralised.

I know another member of the extended family who re did a year at A level and it worked out well.

Like so much of this situation it isn't possible to predict how it would turn out for this particular child but I'd be very wary of doing something a teenager hates that has the potential to mess up their future.

Children don't get to make major decisions like this. Absurd to let a teen control the household

What a strange take on a parent considering what's best for their children before making major decisions.

I want what's best for my kids. I put their happiness and success above me having my "dream house".