Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

[Hamnet]

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

I think year 10 is a very difficult time to move and if they are not keen for the adventire then I wouldn't be able to bring myself to force them to go through something so difficult.

(Aside from that, can I just say some of the posts on the thread here are ridiculous?! Devon is not the end of the earth, there are plenty of opportunities, activities and decent schools.

"I think the opportunities for her (and your other children) will be significantly less in Devon."

"Have you looked at the local schools in Devon? I would guess they won’t be as good as in London."

"London will bounce back, but what opportunities will there be for your DCs in Devon?"

I don't know whether the posters of these comments have ever been to Devon but the idea that the SW is only inhabited by families whose children go to poor schools, have no opportunities and do no activities is a bit weird no?!)

I wouldn't move yet, at this stage as there is no guarantee she would be able to continue with the subjects she has chosen for gcse at a new school, it is all dependent on timetables. She would likely be behind and if we are in and out of lockdown how would she make friends in a new setting? I would wait till her gcse's are done and then move. You don't have to give up your move just delay it.

No I wouldn't. Wait till she's 18 and at university. I love the countryside but what prospects are there for a teenager there as others have said? London is great for young people.

I have a 14yo DD who is exceptionally happy at her school and with her friends. For that reason DH and I would not consider a move until she finishes school. Perhaps if we could double our income we would, but nothing apart from that.

DS13 is ho hum about school. We would consider his opinion but feel like he could be just as happy elsewhere.

In 5 years we will be able to suit ourselves where we live. It’s not that long in the scheme of things.

I think your DD has point, particularly about school. I asked DH, because he did a similar move at the same stage when his dad’s work moved. As it happened, he made his best friend ever at his new school, and 30 years later they still are, but obviously that can’t be planned for!! DH said his exams sifferrd because the syllabus and coursework at the new school, were different to the old school.

Yabvu, a dream house is nowhere near as important as your daughter's education. You sound very entitled and selfish.

Whereabouts in Devon? I agree with KindKylie btw that there are some weird tones about not-London on this thread.

I’ve moved my kids a lot but I think this would be a harsh time to move without buy in from the teenager... it’s a difficult balance to meet the needs of all the family here.

Can't believe you're even considering it! How is your poor dd meant to make friends at her new school during a pandemic?! It's hard enough to integrate at that age during normal times.

Definitely not. You can move to the arse end of the country when you haven't got children at a critical stage in their education.

You will not ruin your daughters life by moving to a better area/house. Children are very resilient. They have access to Skype, FaceTime, trains, public transport ect..

Your dd will be going uni or leaving home in a few years leaving you behind in a area you don’t want to be in and missing the chance of a house you’ve always wanted and would love to spend the rest of your days in - she’s got her whole life in front of her.

I really don’t get this ‘you must sacrifice your happiness for your children’ vibe on MN. Your not moving to a god awful place - it’s Devon and it’s bloody beautiful and a much better way of life.

My friend is moving to Devon next week from the NW for the exact same reasons as you. I’m very jealous.

Make the most out of your life, she will benefit from it too. You shouldn’t let a 14 year old dictate whole family decisions.

Please, please don't. It is such an upheaval for your daughter. We moved when our daughter was only 6 and very happy where she was and that was a mistake. It took a few years to settle, 2 school changes and lots of guilt, which I still feel. We should have stayed where we were.

You know your child best of all, I wouldn't move my DD at that stage because she's not good with change anyway. However, l moved to a new town at the end of year 10. Most of the GCSEs at my new school were on a different syllabus, some weren't available at all. So I did less GCSEs than everyone else and needed to do a lot of catching up work. But by A levels all was fine. I missed my old friends a lot but I very quickly made great new friends and settled into school life. It was my 8th school (thanks parents🙄), so I was well armed with a "new kid" skill set.

The mental health of your child surely has to come first. Would you forgive yourself if it took a serious downturn?

In terms of education, I guess this might be feasible if your daughter went back a year and started Year 10 again in September. But that depends on whether the school would agree, and of course how your daughter would feel about that.

I think it would be selfish and I couldn't do it to my daughter. They've had a shit enough time of it as it is. Could you go between GCSEs and sixth form? It's only 2y and you'd have a better idea by then if it's really true that London will be shit for years 🤔. Personally I think it unlikely Devon bounces back quicker.

I totally get why you want to do this. I'm looking to move somewhere that suits DH&I more but I have a 14 year old too and I'm going to wait 4 or 5 years to do this and then it will only be part-time as she'll still need a place to come home to from uni.

I think your gloomy outlook about the future state of London is because you are trying to justify your desire to move to Devon. However I don't think it's realistic. 14 is a classic age for teenage difficulties and you've already said your DD is finding life quite hard. Plus you have to consider moving so close to GCSEs when there has already been so much disruption.

We had to make a big move when one of my DC was nearly 14 and it was terrible for her. She really struggled. She is only starting to come out of it 3 years later.

It’s not really about a dream house as the driver for this. I love the house but it’s more about getting out of London which is not a great place to live when gatherings are banned which I fear they will be for a long time to come.

If we wait to move until she’s 18, then DC2 will be in GCSEs, when DC2 is done it will be DC3. If I’m to avoid moving a teen child we are looking at another 11 years here.

I don’t see London as full of the same opportunities it once was. I actually see it as full of risk and less freedom than the countryside, I have loved raising kids here because up to now I have embraced the increased freedom and opportunity but that’s not going to be the same for a while.

Move after GCSEs so she can start A levels in a new location.

You will not ruin your daughters life by moving to a better area/house. Children are very resilient. They have access to Skype, FaceTime, trains, public transport ect..

Except children aren’t all resilient, and no amount of resilience and wishful thinking will make up for the practical realities of having to change courses half way through GCSEs.

Living in Devon is not a better way of life. It’s just different.

If we wait to move until she’s 18, then DC2 will be in GCSEs, when DC2 is done it will be DC3. If I’m to avoid moving a teen child we are looking at another 11 years here

So waiting till she's 16 sounds reasonably practical?

This happened to me at the same age and it was a nightmare. Not friendshipwise but academically. The new school didn't offer one subject and had a different exam board for another meaning I was way behind. Another subject they don't the topics opposite the first school so I missed out whole topics. I have no doubt it impacted my results.
I wouldn't do it.

No.

But, like others I'd suggest looking into buying it and renting in London for a few years, then moving.

You can always rent out the Devon house while you do that, to help with income.

That said, by the time it comes to move to Devon, I suspect London may be a more attractive option than Devon - so if you then decide you don't want to move, you might not be able to afford to stay in London.

The impact of Brexit kicks in after coronavirus (🤦‍♀️) and that suggests the economic cost is going to be lower in London than elsewhere in the U.K. That may have a significant impact on what a move to Devon entails.

But ... all that may be irrelevant if living in London was only a temporary thing for you.

Still, if you want this, a good compromise is to sell up, buy the Devon house, rent in London for a few years.

The education issue matters. You'll almost certainly find it a nightmare finding school places, they're likely to involve travel, and your 14 year old is unlikely (very) to find a school with the same GCSE offer she is now following - and extremely unlikely to find a school that has covered the same parts of the syllabus - especially because this year has been disrupted.

This past year has been awful for young people. She will be struggling with the impact of that already. Whacking her with an extra load of dealing with a whole load of education and social change is an enormous ask.

For a start, how will she actually make new friends with the tier system and possible school closures still a possibility over 2021?

And how will you, for that matter?

It's a huge thing to expect of a teen. She'll need a lot of your support and understanding. Do you, as a family, have the bandwidth to acknowledge and support it?

I wouldn't. 🤷‍♀️ I'm finding it hard enough to support my teen as it is, without factoring a bloody huge life change.

Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide.

Yours kids will move out in a few years but you may be staying in the house of your dreams forever. Your DD will make new friends and she can visit her current ones in London and they can come to Devon. I'd say absolutely go for it.

I think my stance is also influenced by the fact I was moved a long distance against my will at 16 and was furious but it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to me. Obviously I can’t guarantee the same for my DD but I’m sure that’s a factor in my considering this.

I also wouldn't move at this stage in your DD's life. Disrupted GCSEs aside, if you're expecting lockdowns on and off for years how are you expecting your DC to make friends if school isn't consistent?

DH grew up in the countryside and quite frankly his teen years sound far more dangerous than my suburban ones. No public transport so more drink driving. Nothing else to do than pubs unless you get irregular public transport to the nearest town.

My siblings also grew up in a village. Their mum spent years as a taxi ferrying them about to friends as there was no other way for them to meet. Awful.

This is hard because I don't believe children should be the centre of our universe, adults are people too with needs, that said I think you've left it a bit late (unintentionally) 14 has got to be one of the worst ages to move a child. We have moved a lot due to my DH's job but we always said we would settle somewhere before high school and commit to it until both kids are out of full time education (not including uni). DH moved a lot as a kid and hated it so this was our compromise. So we've found our place, I don't love it, but it will do us for the next 10 years. I really think if there isn't any other major reason needing to move that you should consider sticking it out due to the ages of your kids.