He has just quit his job...

[Ungratefulwiife]

And we are supposed to exchange on our new house next week

I have posted before about my DH (a search shows it was back in 2015 - things really don't change, do they?) and his job. He is/was a high earner. Always hated his job, has done for the 18 years (and 4 different jobs) I have known him.

He changed career slightly a couple of years ago and things settled down a bit (he is still a workaholic) but he has just come down from working to inform me that he has handed his notice in and we now cannot move (because we won't get our mortgage and he is the main earner).

I have sent him out for a walk to calm the fuck down. His boss has rung and asked me WTF is going on - he hasn't accepted the resignation yet but he can't exactly force DH to keep his job.

There is a background to this, he has always threatened to quit his job "next year" - in fact I will link to my ancient thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2509489-Should-I-be-more-supportive

We now have 2 DC - 5&3

I have bent over backwards to support him and his career. He has always made it difficult for me to work - I have done every drop off and collection, always taken leave for sickness, even now I work evenings and weekends so he can have a clear 9hr day to work (we are both WFH) whilst I homeschool DS. He has never supported me working and several times he has asked me to be a SAHM. I work PT, 24hrs a week, but even FT I couldn't afford the new house.

What have I got in return? This. What angers me is that he has waited until the worst possible time to do it - it has taken almost a year to get to this point in the selling/buying process and we are in a chain of 6 houses (we are in the middle) which will now collapse.

I was in a bit of shock when he told me and so I informed him that he will be the one making all the calls - I shall have nothing further to do with it. He could be doing that now.

I have tried over the years to get him to seek help for what I believe to be MH issues but he refuses to. He won't speak to anyone.

Before Christmas he was overloaded with work but point blank refused to say so to his boss because it is a sign of "weakness".

Last night he was complaining about being underpaid (he took a massive pay cut for this job in the misguided notion it would mean less hours - the reality is, he is a workaholic, if there is work to do he will stay at his desk until it is done, all night if he has to. Unfortunately it is one of those jobs where you can always do more). I did not expect this, not today.

I don't even know why I am posting this, it's not like anyone can help. I am so angry.

@AmberItsACertainty I completely agree with you.

You could move to rented to save the chain under you but moving away just absolutely no. It's also a serious consideration to stay put because if he does anything like this again would you end the marriage??

DO NOT MOVE!

Things are too up in the air and you are, at best, ambivalent to it. It also affects your job as well.

I'd be saying that he needs to take the ADs myself and engage in counselling and that this cycle cannot continue.

I really feel for you op, time to start putting yourself first for a change.

Oh god please don't move for him. In fact, don't make any big decisions for him any more. How awful for you - this uncertainty of how he will be from one day to the next.

It's been long time OP - this is who he is. There's no shame or judgement about realising that you've tried and it's just not going to work.

You should want to see a significant effort and significant change before you agree to move - and by that I personally would want at least a couple of years, he takes the antidepressants, attends and engages with ongoing counselling, and explores the possibility of ADHD/autism that you’ve said you think may be present.

Remember 2016-2017, when he showed a slight improvement, and you had another child? And then pretty soon it was right back to the same old same old.

Go ahead with this house move now, and you’ll be posting in 2 or 3 years time from the new house that you are already wavering on and he’s trying to cajole you into.

If you do make the move you’re doing it with your eyes wide open and the benefit of 18 years experience, so you can’t really moan when he inevitably doesn’t change one tiny bit.

He has a supportive and understanding boss who is doing the right things. He has been provided with the tools he needs. It is now up to him to actually use those tools including taking the ADs and seeing the counsellor. The problem with people like him is that even with a supportive and understanding boss, in these environments, the boss can only be supportive up to a point before the drama of it becomes too much. There's a reason banks are the ones who have in house GPs and counselling and wellness programmes!

If you feel YOU would benefit from counselling or other similar support, check your DH's firm's policy. My DH was able to access it via the bank I worked for, and we weren't even married at the time - just living together.

@Hoppinggreen

That all sounds very positive OP but I still think that moving is very risky right now I know it will be awful to let ever down but I think it would be better to let things calm down with your DH work, see how his counselling etc goes and revisit moving in a year or so.

Actually to me it sounds like someone doing the minimum necessary to continue getting their own way.

OP your DP tried to log in at work, but couldn't. He had no intention of speaking to boss or going doctors, until it was forced onto him. Didn't even do it himself, you spoke to his boss OP. Just like you spoke to his boss yesterday and the family GP, when you tried to set up an appointment, which presumably DP declined as there's been no further mention of it. DP didn't need a gentle nudge in the right direction, he got that yesterday and ignored it! He's only going along with it this time because he has to.

DP given ADs and counselling. Refuses ADs. Apparently "agrees" to counselling. But will he do more than sit there thinking it's pointless? Will he properly engage with the process and to what ends? Will he use the sessions to deal with the current work stress? Will he recognise the need to effect long term change in his own behaviour for the sake of his family, and commit to that? Counselling is not a magic cure all. It requires the person to work on themselves.

DP offers to sell his investment to pay for house like he's doing OP a favour. He's not. Where's the wisdom in getting a huge mortgage when you've got a pile of savings and are currently mortgage free?

OP doesn't even want to move! She likes her home and location.

DP could have sold those investments originally so they could be mortgage free. Given he's prevented you working full time OP, on what grounds did you not deserve the security of a mortgage free house before? He's only doing this now because you've refused to move.

Everything he's doing is about him and getting what he wants.

Actually to me it sounds like someone doing the minimum necessary to continue getting their own way.

That’s exactly what I think.

The DH has no intention of taking AD’s or engaging with counselling.

He’s paying lip service until the contracts are exchanged on the house move and there’s no backing out.

And I feel like the OP is just going to go along with it.

It's not for me to tell you what to do now, but I do think that going ahead with the move is one step towards committing to stay with him for some time to come. It's quite clear that life with him is a rollercoaster and it seems pretty likely to continue that way. Lots of pp have said they couldn't live like that, but undoubtedly some people could. Some might even thrive on it but that would take a very particular personality imo, a rare breed who is somehow a cross between a laidback surfer dude type and a change junkie - someone who can take the adrenalin spike of the tantrums and meltdowns in their stride and pour oil on stormy waters every time. Is that you, and is that a life you want? Perhaps. Is he worth it? Only you know.

I like a pp's suggestion to go ahead with the sale and move into rented. That way you separate the challenges of the immediate situation from the longer-term decision-making ahead of you. (The housing market, particularly in London, is going to drop soon anyway, so it makes financial sense too.)

I also think you need some kind of legal advice whatever happens. If you were to stay together, you need to be able to trust him not to keep throwing grenades into everything periodically, with all the financial implications of that to you and the kids - yet clearly you can't, based on recent events. So you need to find some way of protecting yourself from negative impacts on your own career and income. I wonder if some kind of variation on a prenuptial agreement is possible mid-marriage, so that he understands the implications of continuing to mess you around. It doesn't deal with the emotional fallout though. You sound fed up with that already tbh.

Does he understand that this is a make-or-break moment?

I completely agree with Amber, and I certainly wouldn't be moving. I don't think he will actually engage with the counselling. He's just going along with what his boss is saying.

Also I don't want this to sound bitchy but

Reality Check: most people don't feel the need for a 75k buffer zone of savings, because most people aren't living with someone who would happily quit their job on a whim. Especially whilst insisting on remaining the main breadwinner and actively preventing their partner from working full time.

Ignoring the fact that most people could never amass 75k in savings no matter how hard they tried, the fact is they don't need to because their partner is in a team with them and they can rely on each other when times are tough. You're twitchy about not having this huge buffer zone because you know he's unreliable.

My guess is he likes having all the power in the relationship. If he keeps you tied up in a more tricky financial situation and with no time between working, house chores, childcare and the drama he creates, for you to even stop to think about what you want, well then you're less likely to leave, aren't you?

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague yup, some people are addicted to the drama, even whilst bemoaning their lot in life. It can be why they don't walk away.

Actually to me it sounds like someone doing the minimum necessary to continue getting their own way.

Absolutely.

OP you are exhausted. Just leave it (and this thread maybe?) for the weekend.

But I wonder if your husband (can't say DH) knows how close you are to breakdown and/or leaving him? Does he realise how close he is to dealbreaker time?

My ex-BiL was a bit like this. Moved jobs every 5 or 6 years. Starting in a new post - all wonderful. But 5 -6 years in - apparently everyone he worked with was an idiot or difficult.

I did start to wonder whether actually the common factor in all this was him. But he's got his 6 figure salary, his new Mercedes every year, and a new younger model wife ...

On reflection, he displayed many of the features of a narcissist. Expected his wife to work full-time, except when it was inconvenient for him. Kept telling her that a "good wife" would iron all his shirts, and make all his lunches.

[quote AmberItsACertainty]@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague yup, some people are addicted to the drama, even whilst bemoaning their lot in life. It can be why they don't walk away.[/quote]
I wasn't suggesting at all that OP is addicted to the drama, if that was what you meant. On the contrary, she sounds thoroughly sick of it to me. Sorry if I expressed myself poorly, OP.

Personally I see no issue moving jobs every 5 or so years. It's often needed for salary and position progression.
My husband is a workaholic too. WFH has worked very much in our favour. He's taken up running at lunch time and that helps making sure he has a mental break. He's also not at the office until late.
If you think moving is a good idea then go for it. I would do what suits you best. Maybe a fresh start will help.
Hopefully some talking therapy with the work Dr will help. Good luck.

This is how your life is going to be with a workaholic. He won’t change. A close family member of mine is very much like this.

This is how he handles stress when it all builds up. He basically takes it out on you by dropping a dramatic bombshell like this. He has more resources available to him than many people under pressure but he isn’t interested. The rewards and status of the job are worth the stress to him and that’s it.

MrsP RTFT. The OP doesn't want to move. Her husband quite his job without discussing it.

I think him taking the meds would be a deal breaker for me also. If he was ill he's take medication, so why not AD meds, there's no difference

If I was in a chain and it broke down because someone had developed serious health problems somewhere in the middle, I'd be fed up of course, but I wouldn'tbe angry with the pullers-outers , Id see that moving is the last thing anyone needs when they're unwell.

Christ Jesus, do NOT move. At the moment you are basically financially secure, do not give that up. DH has thrown his share of bombshells over the years, now you get to throw one back. Cancel the house sale.

Your DH sounds very much like mine, worse in some ways, better in others. Work is his focus, his self-worth, his angst, his everything. The difference is I gave him an ultimatum a few years ago that I would not put up with a particular behaviour and he knew I meant it. Now when I see the pressure building I tell him that is what he sees, and push it firmly back to him to sort it out. (Obvs I will support and help, but he has to take the steps he needs). I'm making it sound like an easy fix, it wasn't. I was halfway out of the door and he knew it.

"Personally I see no issue moving jobs every 5 or so years. It's often needed for salary and position progression."

@MrsPerfect12 Yes, it's ok if the person has a new job lined up or if they don't have a family to contribute towards. Even if he has enough savings to help keep them afloat when he quits a job, it's still stressful for the OP.

If you think moving is a good idea then go for it. I would do what suits you best. Maybe a fresh start will help.

@Ungratefulwiife please don't do this on a 'maybe a new start will help' basis. I think that hardly ever works. There' no reason why moving would alter the current situation with his moods etc.

My mum moved a couple of years ago when she should've backed out, because she didn't want to let down the others in the chain. She really regrets leaving her old house, but it's done now.

@Ungratefulwiife I still do not like the sound of him, his moods and what he makes your life like etc, which is not a brief situation of the moment but an ongoing thing. I hope the counselling helps him, and he also should take the medication he's been prescribed.

Do you ever tell him how all this makes you feel and does he care?

You could lay out the changes you want him to make, or the commitment to trying to improve, treatment etc, that you want to see.

@ConquestHungerEmpirePlague I meant your description of the sort of person who the situation would suit. I have no idea if that's the OP or not.

I was halfway out of the door and he knew it.

This is key, I think. If husbands like this knew their wives were serious, and that their behaviour is a dealbreaker - divorce - they might start to realise there are consequences to being an arse.

But it’s no simple or easy thing to leave a partner of 18 years, to uproot children, and so on. Good luck OP

@Ungratefulwiife
I am not sure you appreciate it, but where you are is stuck with the responsibility of the decision about the house move hanging over just you.

You are stuck with a H who has the tools he needs to stop the roller coaster he has strapped you onto, but won't use them.

I think what he thinks he is dealing with is a quid pro quo - you give the OK to the move and he agrees to consider the ADs and the counselling, with no guarantee that he will ever accept that he has a problem and needs to change. What motivation is there for him to change if you don't force him by some means to change?

Stand your ground and make serious engagement with the help available the condition of you staying in the relationship.

..................

I see something very worrying in your concern for the rest of the chain - co-dependence.

Please get counseling for this and try your utmost to recast yourself in another, healthier mould. It is your worst enemy. It is what has kept you on the roller coaster for 18 years.

[quote AmberItsACertainty]@ConquestHungerEmpirePlague I meant your description of the sort of person who the situation would suit. I have no idea if that's the OP or not.[/quote]
Fair enough, thanks for taking the trouble to clarify. I don't agree fwiw. Some people are temperamentally suited to cope with volatile relationships. The drama washes off them. Others find them stressful. Horses for courses.

I see something very worrying in your concern for the rest of the chain - co-dependence.

I think any decent person would feel bad about the rest of the chain actually. Feeling concern is not the same as putting their needs ahead of her own.