He has just quit his job...

[Ungratefulwiife]

And we are supposed to exchange on our new house next week

I have posted before about my DH (a search shows it was back in 2015 - things really don't change, do they?) and his job. He is/was a high earner. Always hated his job, has done for the 18 years (and 4 different jobs) I have known him.

He changed career slightly a couple of years ago and things settled down a bit (he is still a workaholic) but he has just come down from working to inform me that he has handed his notice in and we now cannot move (because we won't get our mortgage and he is the main earner).

I have sent him out for a walk to calm the fuck down. His boss has rung and asked me WTF is going on - he hasn't accepted the resignation yet but he can't exactly force DH to keep his job.

There is a background to this, he has always threatened to quit his job "next year" - in fact I will link to my ancient thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2509489-Should-I-be-more-supportive

We now have 2 DC - 5&3

I have bent over backwards to support him and his career. He has always made it difficult for me to work - I have done every drop off and collection, always taken leave for sickness, even now I work evenings and weekends so he can have a clear 9hr day to work (we are both WFH) whilst I homeschool DS. He has never supported me working and several times he has asked me to be a SAHM. I work PT, 24hrs a week, but even FT I couldn't afford the new house.

What have I got in return? This. What angers me is that he has waited until the worst possible time to do it - it has taken almost a year to get to this point in the selling/buying process and we are in a chain of 6 houses (we are in the middle) which will now collapse.

I was in a bit of shock when he told me and so I informed him that he will be the one making all the calls - I shall have nothing further to do with it. He could be doing that now.

I have tried over the years to get him to seek help for what I believe to be MH issues but he refuses to. He won't speak to anyone.

Before Christmas he was overloaded with work but point blank refused to say so to his boss because it is a sign of "weakness".

Last night he was complaining about being underpaid (he took a massive pay cut for this job in the misguided notion it would mean less hours - the reality is, he is a workaholic, if there is work to do he will stay at his desk until it is done, all night if he has to. Unfortunately it is one of those jobs where you can always do more). I did not expect this, not today.

I don't even know why I am posting this, it's not like anyone can help. I am so angry.

If concern for the rest of the chain and worry about letting people down prompts her to just go ahead with the sale then co-dependence is a massive problem. The fact that she has even considered it as a factor here is worrying. I don't see it as a plus in any way. It simply cannot be a factor in her decision.

Op some of the descriptions in your thread are so parallel to my life right now it makes me realise it's not me over reacting or being dismissive or awkward.

My h has spent years lurching from one crisis in work to another

He's moved companies before,paid out a shed load for training etc that I've forgone time and things for.

The most recent role (the last three years) has involved him pretty much never being around due to being in call (which he put his name down for) or just massively more hours due to work load and responsibility

It's pretty much ruined the summer or any time off for a couple of years and when he hasn't been at work he's been stressy and tired and never ever bloody happy.

The comment you made about you always smoothing his path and him throwing boulders in yours is literally what's happened the last two weeks here and my final response was to call our marriage a day.

I've literally had enough of our lives revolving around choices and decisions he makes on a whim in a stress and never ever considering us.

I stopped expecting any promises of time off and phone off or staying settled and happy with what he has a long time ago.

The straw that broke the camels back was him coming home a few weeks ago one day and out of the blue telling me he had handed his notice in and wasnt going back

No discussion at all with me

I'm on a really reduced income thanks to Covid and have been for a long time so he just dropped us right in the shit

He has now found another job on a lower wage but too late for me.

Years of literally placating him and bending over backwards and I've had enough.

I've told him I'm totally drained in every way in our marriage and I can no longer live like it.

So current situation is we are both bumbling along in the same house which is hard because he doesn't start his new job for a week so I haven't had a chance to breathe and think.

Op I should have gone with my gut years ago and I didn't. I just glossed things over and just accepted them and bent over to make everything ok and now Im no longer doing that.

DH hates any kind of confrontation but said that had they been in the office he would have pulled him aside for a quiet chat but because everything is online it is difficult to have those "in the moment" conversations - everything they do online is recorded and DH didn't want to make a personal phone call in case it came across as bullying/ harassing the colleague or he was accused to doing something nefarious.

It sounds like he gets his way by bullying and working remotely is making that difficult to do in the shadows - it would have to be out in the bright harsh daylight of emails and recorded phone calls. Vile.

He'll never change you know. It's going to be like this until you're old. He pulls this shit - and has you doing all the domestic work - in order to harm your career prospects and keep you on moving sands so that you're too exhausted and turned upside down to see straight and leave him. Further, if you don't leave him, you will never have any sort of security and happiness in your life. It will be like this forever, into retirement and all the way to the end.

Can you remortgage your current house in your own name? Is there a financial way forward for you as a single person?

@PicsInRed

This is how I feel and why I've stepped away from marriage although I'm now going to have months of trying to navigate where we go next etc but the feeling of not living under someone else's decisions and issues is like a weight has been lifted.

I've had to stop myself a few times from asking questions about things that no longer apply to me or from sticking his washing in or just taking over any form filling etc he's trying to do because that's what I've done for too long now.

Now I'm stepping out I'm seeing things very differently.

Fair enough, thanks for taking the trouble to clarify. I don't agree fwiw. Some people are temperamentally suited to cope with volatile relationships. The drama washes off them. Others find them stressful. Horses for courses.

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague I don't think it's good for people to live that way, and virtually everyone would prefer not to, unless they've been in previous toxic relationships and got in the habit of living with angry and controlling/explosive men (and this isn't a volatile relationship as far as we know, it's not a two-way street, it's a volatile individual who OP is putting up with.)

Most people would find it stressful.

And children have no choice about whether they're in that unhealthy and damaging envirronment.

Even if they don't directly experiencing anything from the man, they still experience some effects due to the effect he's having on their mum.

I've read both your threads now and your relationship sounds very unbalanced. He's the big man and you're the little wife.
You speak of 18 years so was it always like that? When you first started dating did he always call the shots? Was he your first long term relationship?

You're clearly unhappy in your role so something has to change. You could try communicating with him and being very clear and firm about how you feel and that you want an equal part in decision making. For me marriage should be a union of equals regardless who earns more. Don't bend over backwards for him it won't help him solve his problems and it's making you unhappy.

You are financially secure in the house you have so sit down with him and see if you can divide childcare, chores and the rest equally and then go back full time. If he can't do his share of drop off/pick up he sorts a nanny or whatever, but it's his job. You have the money to buy in help. Same with decisions, they have to involve both of you. Make it clear that he has to discuss life changes or else you will leave.

If you still like him give him a chance, but be firm, have a timeframe and an exit strategy.

Can you remortgage your current house in your own name? Manoeuvre,cheat or cajole him out his fair share. How that work?

@SoulofanAggron I agree most people would find it stressful, and the OP sounds like she's one of them. But not everybody would take his nonsense to heart. I've known people who would just say, 'You've resigned? Yeah, sure you have. Try some of this cheese, it's wonderful. Then give your boss a call and smooth it over. And later we'll watch a film and you'll feel better.' There's nothing wrong with being laid back. It doesn't make you unhealthy or codependent or brainwashed - though it does make you unusual, and I think you have to really know your spouse inside out to have confidence in your reaction. I'm not talking about people who are swallowing their stress and pretending to be laid back about it. That I agree would be unhealthy, both for OP and her kids.

I personally would leave this man, but OP's not me and I'm not her, so I'm trying to be open to a range of perspectives here.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Can you remortgage your current house in your own name? Manoeuvre,cheat or cajole him out his fair share. How that work?

Or...formal divorce settlement requiring the remortgaging of the family home?

Well yes that’s the formal legal route as opposed to sneakily remortgage their joint house

I know you said it was good he had an understanding boss, but I'm not so sure. He knows what he's doing, your husband, because this is the the behaviour that gets him what he wants. Where's his incentive to change?
Imagine if his boss had said, ok sunshine, you've resigned, here's your notice period. True, it's shit for you in the short term, but there's an immediate negative consequence to his actions (for him). I used to work with someone like this, they got away with murder! They weren't even that good at their job, but they made everyone think they were. We uncovered all sorts of crap when he left.

I think you've got to decide whether want to carry on like this. You have choices, you don't have to be a supporting actor to his main role. You have a life too.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Well yes that’s the formal legal route as opposed to sneakily remortgage their joint house

It's not sneaky when it's required by the court in order to settle finances as part of a formal divorce process. The question was asked to ascertain whether the OP was in a workable position to divorce, not as a rallying cry to a laughably clumsy attempt at fraud.

Are you quite alright there?

I'll say one thing about a bigger house. More to clean.

Your phraseology suggested a clumsily executed scam,hence the query
@PicsInRed, Are you tired perhaps?

Christ, how is this bickering helping the OP?

Women can have different opinions,don’t belittle it as bickering
It’s hardly been a cohesive thread of unanimity with two dissenting posters
So you’re making a bland point

“Are you quite alright there”

“Are you tired perhaps”

Is not different opinions. It’s the worst kind of passive aggressive bickering

it wasn’t passive. It was an intentional response to pointed out down
And you know what? it didn’t detract from thread.there is no unanimity of opinion anyway
So go occupy yourself with the other posters who also disagree on points

You understand there’s a difference between passive and passive aggressive right? And whilst it may well have been a response to a put down it is the very definition of bickering - which is what detracts from the thread and why you were challenged.

Not because you had a difference of opinion.

You’re being quite the contrarian persisting in making a point about manners whilst persistently labouring your point. Lol.By your measure we are now bickering

I think you’ll find that another poster made the point you are equating to being about manners.

I was merely agreeing that you were bickering. HTH.

@Ungratefulwiife How're things?

We have pulled out of the move.

Our estate agent is so angry. They are billing us anyway because they found buyers who were willing and able to exchange contracts - I feel absolutely awful about it and tempted to go ahead with the sale anyway and rent somewhere.

DH has had two lots of counselling sessions and is likely to formally hand in his notice at the end of his sick leave (two weeks). He is worried he will be "managed out" now because of this episode and his ego/pride will not let him return. He has a three month notice period but is unlikely to be asked to work it. DH is already talking about renting somewhere near the coast for a few months 🙄 (third time lucky perhaps?) but claims we should come too (although I need to go into my office in London once a week as I am on a rota with my colleagues - atm I cycle as I don't want to get on the train - so I don't know how he thinks that will work).

I got called for an interview for that job in new town 🤦🏻‍♀️

What do YOU want to do though OP? I see what your “D”H wants. Is he assuming that you will follow along with unwavering support as per usual. I would let him go to the coast (alone) and use the time to get your ducks in a row to consider what you would like in a new life for yourself.

I call bullshit from your H re the coast move. He knows very well you can’t go due to work but this way he can say he suggested you came and look like a hero.
I agree with @Sithee. What do you want??? Have you thought about counselling for yourself?