He has just quit his job...

[Ungratefulwiife]

And we are supposed to exchange on our new house next week

I have posted before about my DH (a search shows it was back in 2015 - things really don't change, do they?) and his job. He is/was a high earner. Always hated his job, has done for the 18 years (and 4 different jobs) I have known him.

He changed career slightly a couple of years ago and things settled down a bit (he is still a workaholic) but he has just come down from working to inform me that he has handed his notice in and we now cannot move (because we won't get our mortgage and he is the main earner).

I have sent him out for a walk to calm the fuck down. His boss has rung and asked me WTF is going on - he hasn't accepted the resignation yet but he can't exactly force DH to keep his job.

There is a background to this, he has always threatened to quit his job "next year" - in fact I will link to my ancient thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2509489-Should-I-be-more-supportive

We now have 2 DC - 5&3

I have bent over backwards to support him and his career. He has always made it difficult for me to work - I have done every drop off and collection, always taken leave for sickness, even now I work evenings and weekends so he can have a clear 9hr day to work (we are both WFH) whilst I homeschool DS. He has never supported me working and several times he has asked me to be a SAHM. I work PT, 24hrs a week, but even FT I couldn't afford the new house.

What have I got in return? This. What angers me is that he has waited until the worst possible time to do it - it has taken almost a year to get to this point in the selling/buying process and we are in a chain of 6 houses (we are in the middle) which will now collapse.

I was in a bit of shock when he told me and so I informed him that he will be the one making all the calls - I shall have nothing further to do with it. He could be doing that now.

I have tried over the years to get him to seek help for what I believe to be MH issues but he refuses to. He won't speak to anyone.

Before Christmas he was overloaded with work but point blank refused to say so to his boss because it is a sign of "weakness".

Last night he was complaining about being underpaid (he took a massive pay cut for this job in the misguided notion it would mean less hours - the reality is, he is a workaholic, if there is work to do he will stay at his desk until it is done, all night if he has to. Unfortunately it is one of those jobs where you can always do more). I did not expect this, not today.

I don't even know why I am posting this, it's not like anyone can help. I am so angry.

Absolute bullshit. If he leaves he isn't coming back.

How much naval gazing can one do???

Him leaving means he doesn't have to engage in counselling.

His ego is more important than you or the DC.

Definitely agree with everyone else. Shut off all the other noise and make a list of what you want - what would make you happy?
Without reference to anyone else (kids excepting) - not your husband, your estate agent, the rest of the chain, the job interviewer..etc

Op sorry it's gone tits up.

Some men really do make decisions without ever thinking down the line or about anyone else.

How do you feel about the situation.
Is it what you want?

Is your dh aware that his decisions are having a massive effect on you ?

I have had counselling before, when he took redundancy in 2018. He went off to the coast then for a couple of months (not sure what is so special about the coast!) and I was considering our future then.

I want my marriage to work and for my husband to suck up the fact that no one loves working all the time, we all grin and bear it from time to time.
I want him to take on an equal share of the housework and childcare and I go back to work full time, he will need to work too as I would not earn enough to sustain the lifestyle he wants to have, I could cover the essential bills though.

Last time I had counselling I came out of it feeling resolved to support DH, almost like it was my duty to do so. His attitude around work is the only thing I would say that upsets me, in other ways he is great (I know that MN consensus is that he isn't, that's ok, you do not know the ins and outs, only what I post).

Wow 32k PT? What kind of work do you do, that is really good.

I agree with a couple of the other posts, see if he will be willing to get help, it's whether you can get through the log slog whilst things possibly improve. I think it also depends on what has already gone on and whether you can take any more.

What a dreadful situation Ungratefulwiife I’ve experience of similar with my OH but not quite so extreme.
Absolutely the right decision to pull out of the house move as this offers familiarity and stability for the kids. Mortgage free as well so if decide to stay together then that leaves you in a great financial position. He could take a much less stressful job and the bills would be covered. I suspect however that that won’t fit his mental image of how things should be for him!
If he does need “time out to think” it shouldn’t be on the coast it should be in a studio flat or even better a room in a house share close enough that he can be with the kids or at least drop off and pick up on the days you need to go into work.

What you want seems very dependant on your husband - and behaviours he appears unable to provide.

I would suggest you think about 'What do you want if he never changes?' given that you did commit totally to the marriage and he never came through for you.

He is going a lot of magical thinking 'the coast!' 'a stressfree job that pays lots of money on very few hours!' - but so are you if you think that after all this time he is going to become someone else.

I really think you need to play hardball and tell him your marriage is on the line.

His sabbatical will need yo be where you now at home with him doing the childcare and homeschool and domestic drudgery whilst you get full time work.

He also needs to commit to therapy and pursuing potential diagnosis's.

I think a few weeks of homeschool and all domestic stuff especially whilst living inns reduced budget (food and his hobbies) will focus his mind into wanting a new job ASAP.

Supporting him doesn't mean your becoming a doormat to this pattern of behaviour. Unfortunately I think if you don't lay down the law this time it will happen again and again until you do.

He's a parent and spouse and yes like the rest of us he needs to grow up and work and deal with it in a mature manner.

I think if you’re going to make your marriage work he’s got to start working as a team not a selfish solo. It sounds like he’s already off on his usual pattern wanting to leave his current life and go off to the coast - you’re allowed to follow him this time, which he probably thinks is him “guving”. I think you should tell him nobody is going off to the coast, you’re staying put and dealing with his mess at home. That means he takes what the doctor prescribed him, he speaks to his boss honestly and frankly about what’s happening, he needs to have counselling to find out why he keeps doing this. And he needs to treat you like an equal team player, in house and child work and decisions. If he doesn’t change he’s just going to keep putting you through this time after time - and you’ll always just be the lady in waiting. Good luck. You’ve a lot of work ahead of you. (and I’d be livid if I was the estate agent/other people too - you ought to be paying their fees too for the time you’ve wasted for them (and m not blaming you, I understand why you can’t move, but your stupid, selfish husband is totally to blame).

With two children in the mix, if my DH told me he wanted to clear off to the coast, for a couple of months of navel gazing, I would be seriously considering not letting him come back. But then I didn't get married on the basis that it was something to be dipped in and out of as and when. It's not fair on you or on the kids that he does that. And as unconfortable as the conversation will be I think you might need to be blunt with him and tell him exactly how you feel, exactly what you want from your marriage, and what you are prepared to do if he can't live up to that. But before you have that conversation you have to work those things out for yourself.

It's so difficult though OP, my DH has some significant MH challenges, and we make allowances for that as a couple and a family. But I am watchful that this doesn't descend into me tolerating any kind of behaviour, because 'mental health issues' trumps 'decent human behaviour'. It doesn't. And what is important to you, and your mental and physical health, are all incredibly important here. If anything you need to hold them up higher, because he is clearly not putting you first at all.

You come across as a bit of a doormat really. You make noise about not putting up with it but in reality you let it happen, more than once. He has no incentive to change - why would he?!

You've been putting up with this attitude to his work for 18 years. He's not going to change.

You are constantly letting him rule your life (like letting him disappear to the coast for however long, again )

What are your children learning along the way?

I do get that there is more to his persona than just this. But he simply does not understand that 18 years of putting you last and doing his own thing is just not acceptable.

I had been thinking about you and I’m glad you pulled out of the move. It gives you and the children much more financial stability. 18 years is a long time to put someone else’s needs before your own. I agree not going through with the move is a watershed moment in your relationship because you are in a much better position to suggest he doesn’t return, the next time he mentions heading to the coast!

Hello again, OP. Sorry that the shit is hitting the fan.

I want my marriage to work and for my husband to suck up the fact that no one loves working all the time, we all grin and bear it from time to time. I want him to take on an equal share of the housework and childcare and I go back to work full time, he will need to work too as I would not earn enough to sustain the lifestyle he wants to have, I could cover the essential bills though.

With respect, this is not a list of what you want to do, but of what you want your husband to do. Not only is that a thing you have no control over, but given he's poised to do the cottage by the coast thing again (aka running away from his problems), it seems like he's not in a position, for whatever reason, to exert control over his behaviour either.

I agree with @AnnaMagnani. If you accept that he isn't going to change his behaviour anytime soon, then what do you want to do?

Who is going to deal with the admin fall out from the estate agent? Is this something you're supposed to sort out?

I mean this is the nicest possible way OP but what kind of husband and father can just pack up and head to the coast for a few months to find themselves? Would you have this luxury? I doubt it!

We all have responsibilities and yes sometimes that is pants and we would like an escape or to get away for a few days, but we can't because we are husbands, wives, parents, employees. In other words people with responsibility and commitments we can't give up on.

I didn't blame you in the least for not moving it was the right move and I would have done the same in your position, however your husbands antics have messed it up for everyone else In the chain. Other families who have spent money and wanted to move but now can't.

I hope that your husband engages with the counselling and takes on board what is said, but being honest, I don't think he will and a few years down the line when the dust has settled I think he will pull a similar stunt again. I know everyone has a fight or flight reaction when things are tough but your husbands is most definitely flight and I don't know how you can trust that he won't just up and leave again one day when things get a bit difficult.

I hope you are well and like I said I'm not having a go because I would have done the same as you, this time the ramifications of his actions have spread a lot further than your family unit and it seems unfair that others are having to pay the price...you included.

He started taking the ADs at the weekend - does anyone know if they can make you worse before you get better?

We had a few cross words over the estate agent fees (I want to pay them, he wants to see if they will sue us for them) and he has absolutely hit the roof. He has never really been angry at me before, more melancholy - everyone is against me type rants.

He is going to stay with his mum. I wasn't aware that she knew anything but straight after we rowed he called her and he is driving up there this afternoon. It is the anniversary of his dad's death next week too - losing his dad had a huge effect on him.

I need to sort a few things out, as usual I am left smoothing the path.

I don't think you should stay with him. He rules and ruins your life. That's no way to live.

I want my marriage to work and for my husband to suck up the fact that no one loves working all the time, we all grin and bear it from time to time.
I want him to take on an equal share of the housework and childcare and I go back to work full time, he will need to work too as I would not earn enough to sustain the lifestyle he wants to have, I could cover the essential bills though.

Great to hear from you, @Ungratefulwiife - and to read you articulating what you want. That is so good to read.

Your husband needs to know the seriousness of what's at stake, and that you will no longer "smooth his way" for him. And that he risks losing his marriage.

Stay were you are, so you can cycle to work, for example.

I hope you manage to keep your marriage working, but your husband will need to do his 50% of that. And he doesn't have a track record of pulling his weight, except in earning money - and that is not enough.

Good luck!

The AD s can take several weeks to have an effect.

2 weeks sick leave ? He is likely to get that extended . I know some people who have been off 4 to 6 months with phased returns . I am sure there is no need to hand in his notice after his 2 weeks sick leave . He is not being rational .

I hope the counselling and ADs can help but please remember- you cannot, cannot put a price on peace of mind, and I'm talking about yours here, not your husband's.

Don’t you think it’s time to step off this merry go round op?

Sorry to read your update op

I think him going away is a good thing for you.

So you can step off the throttle a second and gather your own thoughts and what you want out of this relationship