He has just quit his job...

[Ungratefulwiife]

And we are supposed to exchange on our new house next week

I have posted before about my DH (a search shows it was back in 2015 - things really don't change, do they?) and his job. He is/was a high earner. Always hated his job, has done for the 18 years (and 4 different jobs) I have known him.

He changed career slightly a couple of years ago and things settled down a bit (he is still a workaholic) but he has just come down from working to inform me that he has handed his notice in and we now cannot move (because we won't get our mortgage and he is the main earner).

I have sent him out for a walk to calm the fuck down. His boss has rung and asked me WTF is going on - he hasn't accepted the resignation yet but he can't exactly force DH to keep his job.

There is a background to this, he has always threatened to quit his job "next year" - in fact I will link to my ancient thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2509489-Should-I-be-more-supportive

We now have 2 DC - 5&3

I have bent over backwards to support him and his career. He has always made it difficult for me to work - I have done every drop off and collection, always taken leave for sickness, even now I work evenings and weekends so he can have a clear 9hr day to work (we are both WFH) whilst I homeschool DS. He has never supported me working and several times he has asked me to be a SAHM. I work PT, 24hrs a week, but even FT I couldn't afford the new house.

What have I got in return? This. What angers me is that he has waited until the worst possible time to do it - it has taken almost a year to get to this point in the selling/buying process and we are in a chain of 6 houses (we are in the middle) which will now collapse.

I was in a bit of shock when he told me and so I informed him that he will be the one making all the calls - I shall have nothing further to do with it. He could be doing that now.

I have tried over the years to get him to seek help for what I believe to be MH issues but he refuses to. He won't speak to anyone.

Before Christmas he was overloaded with work but point blank refused to say so to his boss because it is a sign of "weakness".

Last night he was complaining about being underpaid (he took a massive pay cut for this job in the misguided notion it would mean less hours - the reality is, he is a workaholic, if there is work to do he will stay at his desk until it is done, all night if he has to. Unfortunately it is one of those jobs where you can always do more). I did not expect this, not today.

I don't even know why I am posting this, it's not like anyone can help. I am so angry.

He will probably never be satisfied with whatever job/home/car he has.
Can you see yourself living for the rest of your life with him as he is ?
He doesn't want to change and has little insight into how his behaviour effects you.

What do you want OP ? Focus on what you can control and start putting yourself first instead of his needs.

Oh god I feel anxious just reading this; I can't imagine what it's like living it. This is just a wealthy version of addictive behaviour - a gambler or a bloke who spends all his wages down the pub or who snorts cocaine. You can never relax, you're all dancing to his tune and nothing will ever be enough.

I would stay in your house. Yes, it will make the chain collapse but you can remove immediate financial stress if you stay and it will give you a bit of breathing space.

I really relate to what you say about him and I was diagnosed as autistic at 40. I've been reading the thread hoping someone would have the answers. I hate all my jobs, hate everywhere I live. Nothing ever feels safe or comfortable. I'm always awkward, stressed and unhappy. It's a horrible way to live. I went to a top university so it's really set up a millstone of wanting to be the person I think I could have been but have never been able to live up to.

I can see why the threat of redundancy might have triggered him and the house move could be triggering him now if change is hard for him to cope with but he's in denial about that.

@bitheby

I really relate to what you say about him and I was diagnosed as autistic at 40. I've been reading the thread hoping someone would have the answers. I hate all my jobs, hate everywhere I live. Nothing ever feels safe or comfortable. I'm always awkward, stressed and unhappy. It's a horrible way to live. I went to a top university so it's really set up a millstone of wanting to be the person I think I could have been but have never been able to live up to.

I can see why the threat of redundancy might have triggered him and the house move could be triggering him now if change is hard for him to cope with but he's in denial about that.

I can relate to parts of it too. Not diagnosed but definitely suspect I have some sort of ADD or autism. My behaviours can be a bit knee jerk. I am a perfectionist so work really hard going over and above but then get completely overwhelmed. It's then very difficult to explain why I do things because even I don't know!

Sounds like he may have something similar.

Why are you facilitating this life?

Just stop. Leave the children with him for a week. Just start making your own decisions. Sell items from round the house. Sell the car. Go crazy and assert yourself. And get some counselling so you have someone to go over this with otherwise you will really end up doubting yourself.

I was married to someone like this: never happy, always someone else's fault and someone else's responsibility. There was always something just out of reach which would make everything OK and it was always my responsibility to facilitate it. In my case I was the breadwinner which was lucky, but I can totally relate to that feeling of nothing ever being quite good enough and being on this constant emotional treadmill of trying to support someone who was congenitally incapable of being happy.

My ex husband also quit his job (twice) without consulting me beforehand. The second time it happened was the last straw and the point where the penny dropped that my marriage was over.

I don't think its possible to have a happy and fulfilling marriage with a person like this: there will always be another hill to climb, another spanner in the works. Nothing will ever be enough.

I think you should use this as a catalyst: the fact that he can casually put you into this position of terror about your future after you have put so much work into everything and then turn on a dime as if to say "it was all a joke", is just so disrespectful to you and your children. I would tell him you're staying put and ask him to move out.

It sounds like things may be tough financially for a bit but I think you will feel like a weight has been lifted once you no longer have to live with this self-indulgent narcissist.

It must be awfully draining to know that he will never be happy.

@Iwonder08

OP, I hear you, it was his idea with the bigger house, he didn't support with getting a proper job, but you probably have zero clue how it feels like to have 3 dependants, being a main breadwinner and hate his job. Yes, he is allowed to hate more than one job, it is entirely possible he hates the industry. The prospect even more responsibilities just tipped him over the edge. Have you seen Falling down with Mike Douglas? It might be a good thing he found the courage to stop the house move now and quit his job. However frustrating the situation is, if it was my husband I would encourage him to take 6 months off and relax before he starts considering different jobs

1. I know what that's like. You either pay the bills or you make innocent dependents homeless, so you take any help that is available to make it possible.

1. Falling Down is a film about a Domestic Abuser who has been forced to come to earth with the consequences of his actions. It's not a moralistic 'Look After Your Man or the Poor Soul Will Get himself Killed' tale.

The house is paid for.

He did take 6 months off. Everything, not just his job.

He's a grass is always greener type.

I really relate to what you say about him and I was diagnosed as autistic at 40. I've been reading the thread hoping someone would have the answers. I hate all my jobs, hate everywhere I live. Nothing ever feels safe or comfortable. I'm always awkward, stressed and unhappy. It's a horrible way to live. I went to a top university so it's really set up a millstone of wanting to be the person I think I could have been but have never been able to live up to. I can see why the threat of redundancy might have triggered him and the house move could be triggering him now if change is hard for him to cope with but he's in denial about that.

As far as I understand, he isn't currently under threat of redundancy.

This is an side, but @bitheby @GingerNorthernLass I've had a lot of therapy and EMDR therapy has been the best. If someone has ADHD/autism that can lead to them having a lot of unpleasant experiences socially and that can lead to personality disorder traits- not narc usually, borderline or avoidant as they're based on low self-esteem. EMDR can address traumas such as bullying and rejection, which have more of an impact than society gives them credit for. This makes it easier to control your emotional reactions. Also if you spend a lot of your income on therapy, you kind of are invested in 'proving' to yourself that your money has been well spent, if you see what I mean, so you try even harder to demonstrate improvement.

Everyone is different, I had a lot of issues of putting up with shit because I didn't want to lose friends/lovers. Mumsnet relationships board actually helped me with that- I literally didn't know what a boundary was before I came here, I'd never heard of the concept.

As to work- I have accepted that isn't for me now, even though I went to a good university too. It was so difficult for me that I don't really miss it.

Oh and I try not to often have alcohol in the house, and there's a locked cupboard for treats for others in the house, as I have poor impulse control when it comes to alcohol and food.

But I like to think I/we aren't like this guy. Women don't tend to be like him. Some of his behaviour is rooted in male entitlement perhaps- he thinks he can act how he wants and his family's feelings don't count. I don't just mean the current work issue, but how he constantly pulls strops and goes on and on about it. He doesn' consider how he makes others feel, or doesn't care. He's somewhat controlling, or atteempts to be, etc etc. Whether he's a total narc or not, male entitlement resembles narcissistic traits even when it's as common as it is in society.

Sorry for the long and tangential post.

Why do people keep trying to explain his behaviour or ways for op to help him? She's done enough.

Sounds like an absolute nightmare op. My ex was the high earner, on a similar salary to your dh I think. He didn't like me working, was completely unsupportive and did absolute zilch to help with dd/household chores. Ok sorry, he sometimes stuck the dishwasher on and for that I should be eternally thankful. I eventually became a sahm. I regret that decision though I felt coerced into it - but am grateful for the time I got to have with our dd. He held all the cards, made all the decisions. He was in control of absolutely everything we did and I never felt I could have much of an input because he had all the money. I hated my life, felt totally dependent and powerless.

Like you, I spent years listening to him complain about his job, talk about how he was going to quit. In my case he never did but it was flung around with no thought or concern about how it may impact the rest of the family. No talking through, no discussions. Just whatever he felt like at the time.

I have way less money now, although I barely got to spend his back when we were a couple as he was very mean with money when it involved me - no problems spending for himself or our dd of course, but I am so much happier. I make the decisions, I have the control over what I do and how I spend money and time. It is so freeing.

You work which is great as it means you still have some independence in that way, but you would be so much better away from that I think. I'm sure it all comes down to control. It's definitely selfish behaviour.

Maybe his mental health is suffering - I am sure my exes was, but I know that my own mental health reached rock bottom trying to live like that, and I bet yours isn't too dandy either. Maybe your DH will sort himself out but don't waste a load more years of your own life trying to help him. I hope I'm not projecting too much as this has struck a chord with me. They do sound very similar though!

I have just read that you've had 18 years of this. I had 11 and was a complete shell of myself before I finally made the decision to end things. Don't give up another 18 years of your life going through this same old routine. Whatever his issues are, they're his issues. He's had years to deal with them but he's chosen not to. You've been bending over backwards to support him and neglecting your own needs in the process. It's time to start thinking about yourself and getting some control back over your life.

Well YOU don't have to live like this.
You can't change him.
In many senses endlessly bending yourself out of shape to try and make him happy had allowed him to continue.
No mortgage, you take home? 1800 a month and MAY qualify for help with child care etc as a single parent.......

Hope you're doing okay today, OP.

Thanks for all your comments.

We spoke long into the night. This whole thing was triggered by someone in his team (someone very junior to him) making a comment in a meeting that he saw as a dig at him a couple of weeks ago and apparently it has built up from there. The same person then sent an email yesterday about something else which DH took the wrong way (I have read it and I can see what he means but it doesn't warrant this diva like strop) - it was cc'd to lots of very senior people too. DH hates any kind of confrontation but said that had they been in the office he would have pulled him aside for a quiet chat but because everything is online it is difficult to have those "in the moment" conversations - everything they do online is recorded and DH didn't want to make a personal phone call in case it came across as bullying/ harassing the colleague or he was accused to doing something nefarious.

I do feel bad for him, his job is high stress but sometimes he seems to thrive on it, others it is too much. He swings like a pendulum.

He retracted his resignation and his boss accepted it. He is very hard working and very very bright - he isn't being paid top whack and his firm know it, they would have to pay double for someone like him usually.

DH wants to carry on with the house sale and purchase but I have said no. He claims that the move is not linked to his meltdown yesterday.

He has some investments that he could cash in (but he didn't want to) so that we can buy the house without a mortgage - he has offered to sell them and buy the house without a mortgage to give me some comfort. It wouldn't leave us with much of a cash buffer though.

I don't know what to do - head says one thing but then I think of all the families that will be let down by us pulling out and I feel terrible. I have agreed to wait it out over the weekend and decide Monday -it may be that we ask to delay by a few more weeks and see what happens.

I do not see moving as a sticking plaster at all - I know we would be taking our problems with us but I feel this is a watershed moment. The move is just very bad timing.

Via work he has access to a private GP and counselling service - his boss has said he needs to speak to them before he is allowed back to work - he couldn't log on to his work portal this morning and he massively panicked, I had to ring his boss because DH was having what I could only describe as a panic attack. His boss is actually pretty understanding considering he is the typical alpha male type - he was telling me that he uses these services too when things get stressful. He knows what happened with the other person in the team and he said that he is taking it further with them (he sounded completely fed up with this other guy too).

He has spoken to the GP this morning via VC and the Dr has prescribed some ADs. DH doesn't want to take them. He has an online counselling session set up for this afternoon.

So, that's where we are.
I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open, DH is trying to homeschool DS in maths which is hilarious seeing as DH has a maths PhD. Things are calm at the moment.

Seriously I wouldn't relocate.

Relocating is very hard work let alone in the pandemic etc.

You could consider moving into rented.

Relocating or buying in the same area is still an option in the future but I really wouldn't do it now. His therapy/counselling etc could make him worse before l/if he gets better.

OP, does he know, or has he ever, shown any understanding of the effect his behaviour has on you, and the children?

I really would struggle, actually, couldn’t at all, live with such a volatile person who keeps throwing the toys out the pram like this. You have no control over your own life, and that’s a terrible way to live.

Does he now, not know.

That all sounds very positive OP but I still think that moving is very risky right now
I know it will be awful to let ever down but I think it would be better to let things calm down with your DH work, see how his counselling etc goes and revisit moving in a year or so.

Can you access counselling too via dhs workplace? I think you would benefit from it hugely.

I know he does not want to take them. He needs to take them .

Is he off work now ? Has the doctor signed him off ?

Don't move. Your only reason is to not disappoint the others in the chain. That's not reasonable. It's your life, do what's best for you. Everyone involved in the chain knew the risks of getting involved with one. You don't owe them anything.

If your DP really feels the need for more space because "it's student like living in your shitty house" then there's something wrong either with him or your marriage. It makes it sound like he views you as housemates. A couple with two(?) DC in a 2/3 bedroom house is enough space. There's families living in flats with no garden managing just fine. If he needs space from you all that desperately then what's he saying? Does he actually want a family, or not? If it's not your marriage and there's something wrong with him then moving won't fix that either. At the moment you could easily split up, one have the house and the other buy another house. If you move, splitting up means selling a house.

Plus if you stay where you are you get to stay near your support network. It's not all about poor little him, you need support too in life and you're not getting it at home.

He's got almost all the power in your relationship. Or he did have. If you stay in the current house, you've got some too (the knowledge that leaving is possible fairly easily). Keep that power, you deserve it. And there's a chance you might need it.