What do you think of women who don't drink socially?

[Username2ElectricBoogaloo]

Be brutally honest!

I'm 49, and have never enjoyed drinking. I hang out with three different social groups of women, and they all drink.

It's easier in lockdown, of course, but with one particular group, in pre-Covid times, I'd lie to get out of drinking, especially at lunchtime. Pretend I'd driven there. Pretend to be on antibiotics. Etc. Because they always demand a reason: "I'm not drinking" isn't enough.

A few days after New Year, I had a zoom with another group, and someone asked who was doing dry January. I was the only one to put my hand up. I explained that I've done dry all-year-round, pretty much - I didn't even drink over Christmas - and there was an uncomfortable silence. Why?

I enjoy my friends' company sober, but they can make me feel like an outcast for not wanting to slur my words, lose my balance, or wake up hung over. I feel socially unacceptable. What do you think?

(Don't tell me I need new friends! I can't dump absolutely everyone I know )

I'd think mothing of it. DH doesn't really drink.

Nothing at all. It’s entirely normal these days (when socialising is allowed again!).

Nothing at all, I really enjoy a social drink, but I have friends that don’t and it doesn’t matter to me what anyone else is drinking (or eating) provided that it goes both ways (which it does with my friends) and there’s no judgement or queries on what I’m eating/drinking. They’re maybe just surprised that you’ve not drank all year if they thought you did have alcohol, sometimes I find there can also be more judgement from people that are trying to justify their own relationship with food/alcohol

I'm the same. Yes, it's viewed with suspicion. My friends are used to me but I find so many people joke in social situations about alcohol and what it makes them do. I really hate how alcohol is so pivotal in British culture and so much socialising and conversation is based around it.

Literally nothing I have had phases of drinking far to much and now I barely drink at all

So I’d just assume for whatever reason they had also chosen not to drink

I think good for you! It’s sad that you have to find but I can totally understand why.
Unfortunately alcohol is extremely well marketed especially to women. It’s become the norm to drink and to brag about it. Quite odd when you really start thinking about what it is and what it does. You just be true to yourself.

I rarely drink. Frankly if anyone has an issue with a friend choosing to stay sober, that's entirely their issue.

If you don't want to change your friends for a more understanding bunch, you need to build some resolve in just saying "I don't enjoy drinking" or something else you're comfortable with. Maybe the reason they ask for an excuse is that there always is one?

If I'm not drinking, I just say so. I don't need an elaborate ruse.

I don't think anything of anyone who doesn't drink socially.

A few days after New Year, I had a zoom with another group, and someone asked who was doing dry January. I was the only one to put my hand up. I explained that I've done dry all-year-round, pretty much - I didn't even drink over Christmas - and there was an uncomfortable silence. Why?

Why? I expect because they were trying to work out why a non drinker would say they're doing dry January?

That's a little bit odd.

You're all so reasonable and lovely! I need more women in my social life like you.

If it matters to them what you are drinking then they are not really your friends. You are probably overthinking it.

Because it makes them think they drink too much?

I would find a new excuse or way of handling. Eg dry January - well technically you aren’t if you’re dry anyway? So don’t answer.

Or if you’re socialising (when we can!) and it comes to drinks, just order what you want. If someone makes a comment, just say you can’t take alcohol or don’t have it for personal reasons. Or something similar. Not strictly true but it’s just to head off any comments which will be about the defensiveness of the people.

*find = fib 🙄

I’m the same and a little younger than you. My friends don’t care, that sounds difficult for you and I think I’d be a bit hurt at not being accepted. What I find hard is newer friends who don’t know I don’t drink and having to tell them, people just assume that everyone loves/ needs a drink, and I feel uncomfortable at their discomfort.

Me too (can I be your friend?)

I'm 10 years older than you, and I find I can now be totally outrageous and say things like 'If I said I was an alcoholic and that was why I don't drink, would that be more acceptable?'

Nothing at all! I'm 48 and stopped drinking around 40. DH has been teetotal pretty much since leaving uni. He's 62! I've never been asked about it! All of my friends drink. They never give me a hard time.

You have unreasonable friends. None of my friends would judge anyone who didn't drink.

And neither would I.

@WorraLiberty the thing is I do sometimes drink socially, as I feel pressured into it, so I'm not known as being teetotal.

"I can't take alcohol" is a good response @Iggly, and it's true: my tolerance is rubbish.

I enjoy my friends' company sober, but they can make me feel like an outcast for not wanting to slur my words, lose my balance, or wake up hung over. I feel socially unacceptable. What do you think?

I think you sound incredibly judgemental and a little bit tedious.

If your attitude comes across like this in real life such as it is right now then I can understand why people feel a bit awkward around you, especially when they're drunk and vulnerable.

I don't drink at all. People found it strange when I was younger but now I am 50 + I tend to get more praise than frowned upon.

I don't think anything at all, it's absolutely none of my business whether my friends are drinking alcohol or not.

When I was in my twenties there was probably more of a culture of pushing booze on people, but now most my friends are in their 40's none of us would dream of judging or asking why if someone wasn't drinking.

I don’t think anything of them. I have friends who don’t drink and friends who do. In your example however I can see why it would come across as irritating. It’s like asking your friends if anyone is doing meat free Monday and the first person to respond is the vegan who reminds you at every opportunity that they are a vegan.

I don't really drink either and haven't for around 8 years. I get drunk maybe once a year and barely touch a drop in between times. I do t really like the taste, don't particularly like cold drinks anyway and a small amount can make me really ill. My family never say anything, my close friends are all similar anyway but my neighbours have come out and said some shit things that made me feel boring, weird and miserable even though I was having a laugh without alcohol.

How do you know that they are ‘judging’ you?

If I socialised with somebody whom I’d never seen drinking for as long as I’d known her, then on a Zoom call where somebody mentioned dry January and she raised her hand, there would be an uncomfortable silence from me, too.

Here is why. I’d be thinking, we already know that X doesn’t drink, why does she have to combine attention seeking (everyone look at meeeee, boasting about never drinking!) with pouring cold water on what might have been a fun light hearted conversation about giving up wine for a month?

pouring cold water on what might have been a fun light hearted conversation about giving up wine for a month?

I struggle socially with conversations like this. I think it's totally bizarre that not drinking for a month is even worthy of conversation.